love these pens

And there was nothing poetic about wanting to kill myself and writing so many suicide notes in my head explaining how sorry I was for the things I did not become. There was nothing poetic and beautiful about crying myself to sleep every night for the past 5 years hoping someone would care enough to save me. No one saved me. No one was going to save me because there is nothing poetic about thinking you can’t be saved. There is nothing poetic about staring at a blank wall for an entire day or smiling and laughing the next and having people think “oh she’s fine.” There was nothing poetic and beautiful about trying to take my own life. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about my mother having a panic attack every time I have a bad day and lock my door. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about me not taking my pills because I don’t know who I am without this sadness. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about having depression and wishing you were dead. There was nothing poetic and beautiful about my depression or anyone else’s depression nor will there ever be anything beautiful and poetic about it.
—  Fuck anyone that says it’s beautiful//Deeply Feeling Series

“why can’t you let anyone ever love you? why won’t you let anyone love you?”

“because people change their minds. their heart changes somewhere down the line and then they end up leaving. they leave. anyone that has ever loved me has left and it’s hard not to think that im the reason.”

—  Deeply feeling series
Sometimes I change my mind about people, sometimes I change my mind about myself. Sometimes I like things I thought I’d hate and sometimes I grow to hate things I used to love. Sometimes I can’t make up my mind because I don’t like any of the options and sometimes it’s because I like all of them too much. No one has everything figured out and some people don’t have anything figured out, but that’s called living and it means we’re real.
I figured out how to stop loving someone you’re not supposed to love anymore. I know it sounds impossible but trust me, we’ve done it before. I told my first love that I’d love him forever, but I don’t anymore. He has a spot in my heart- just like my dog and my best friends and a teacher that changed my life- but I don’t love him anymore because that was a different person who was with him and I’m not her anymore. And one day, we’ll no longer love the people we love now, we just have to wait for ourselves to change again. And we try to speed it up by starting new hobbies, getting haircuts, moving, learning a new language. Anything. Because the sad truth is we know we need to shed part of ourselves to fall out of love. And that sucks but it’s necessary.
THOUGHTS OF A HOCKEY FAN

1.) “Why’d they blow the play dead?”

2.) “How is that even a penalty?”

3.) “What is ‘goaltender interference’?”

4.) “How the shit is that goaltender interference?”

5.) “That was the weakest penalty call I’ve ever seen.”

6.) “What the fuck are you even doing ref?”

7.) “ThAt’S nOt A pEnAlTy YoU bLiNd FuCk.”

8.) “Shut up Pierre.”

9.) “I hate every single one of these players, why are you even in the NHL.”

10.) “I can’t actually believe I’m watching beer league players.”

11.) “Wait…. When did he get traded? Who even are these people.”

12.) “I hate hockey and the players hate me.”

13.) “Oh there’s gonna be a figh–false alarm, they just hugged.”

14.) “Our goalie is going to kill every single one of his teammates and I might actually help.”

15.) “What the actual hell is our coach even doing? Can he be fired pls.”

Bonus: “I miss hockey.”

I know you’re doing your best and you rock for it and fuck everyone who doesn’t think it’s enough.

Never chase love, let it come to you. It’s a matter of time and patience. We’re all itching for happiness but you can never catch what’s never yours.
—  Don’t ask for too much, but don’t take too little//Ted A.
I’m so scared because you never shut up about how much you love me, but my brother’s best friend couldn’t shut up either about how much he loved his girlfriend, and now 2 years later he finds himself looking at other girls in nightclubs. He’s getting tired of her eventually, and the saddest part is that she’s still into him.
For now you never let go of my hand when we’re in nightclubs, and you don’t want to dance with anyone but me, but I’m so scared that one day, 2 years from now, you’ll leave me alone on a seat, and your eyes will imperceptibly scan the crowd in search of other prettier, skinnier, funnier girls.
You will get tired of me eventually, and the saddest part is that, I’ll still be into you.
—  Let’s not end up like this