love these pens

And you think because he kissed another girl that it’s your fault. That it’s your body type, that it’s the way you chew your food or talk more about animals than anything else. You think just because he kissed another girl and held her hands the same way he held yours later that night that it makes you unworthy of affection from anyone in a lifetime. You think because he couldn’t keep it in his pants that you should of been more “easy”, that you should of just given if up. You think that you are incapable of love because you made one mistake. You think because your best friend stopped talking to you because she got a new boyfriend means that you are not worthy of a friendship. Not worthy of stay. You think because she left and he left and they left means there is something wrong with you. You think you are dumb just because a boy couldn’t love you the way you deserve but that is not true. You are worthy of people staying and you are worthy of a love that makes your toes curl and makes your heart race. You are worthy of a man who won’t dream of looking at another women. You are worthy even if men have told you for centuries that you are no more than “just a girl”. You are more than a girl, you are women and you have the power to change the fucking world if you wanted too. Do not let a man ever take that fire that seems to always die out in you but never does whenever someone leaves. You are a women and if that isn’t the most raw,magical thing to be then i don’t know what is.
—  You are more than enough.//Deeply Feeling Series

“How do you walk away from someone who made you feel so much?”

i. Ito ‘yong tanong na paulit-ulit na sumasagi sa isipan ko sa tatlong linggong pagpupumilit kong kalimutan kung anong meron sating dalawa. Hindi naman naging tayo pero bakit parang ang bigat-bigat at hirap na hirap akong talikuran ka’t kalimutan. Dahil ba sa ilang taong nakalipas na naging manhid ako, pinili kong buksan ulit 'yong puso ko para sa'yo kaya ito'y parang naninibago?

ii. May mga araw na ginusto kong balikan 'yong mga panahong “okay pa tayo”. 'yong panahong malabo pero okay tayo. Iisa ang frequency na dinadaluyan 'nong mga titig at simpleng ngiti nating dalawa sa isa’t isa. Pero ang tumitig sa'yo ngayon eh di ko na magawa, kasi natatakot ako. Natatakot akong sa mga mata mo'y muli akong mahulog sa walang kasiguraduhang sitwasyon.

iii. Para sa taong nagmamahal, mas pipiliin ba niyang mahulog at malunod sa imahinasyon nang kung ano meron sila o matutong lumangoy sa alon ng reyalidad ng buhay pagbukas ng mga mata niya?

iv. Minsan ayoko na lang mag-isip. Napapagod ako. Napanghihinaan na ako. Nawawalan ako ng kontrol sa iilang parte ng buhay ko, at ayoko 'non. Ayoko ng ganito. Pero gusto kong mahalin ka—ng buo, ng walang takot at inhibisyon. 

v. Higit sa lahat, gusto ko ring mahalin mo ako ng buong tapang at walang pag-aalinlangan. Bakit ba hindi mo ako magawang ipaglaban?

December 2016 // Year of Creative Habits, Book I, pages 3-4

In January 2017 I started a post-it (or two) a day project for Year of Creative Habits. In the lead up to the new year, I did some tester post-its.

A long time ago…

I was four years old, sitting in a theater with the stardust of galaxies far, far away caught in my eyes… soon to be acting out scenes (filmed and imagined) with 3-¾ inch figures on the kitchen floor, within a pillow fort, in the dirt of the front flower bed (and that one rose bush was likely scarred from so many encounters with the Empire).

A long time ago, I wanted to be a smuggler and have a loyal and fierce Wookiee as friend and partner, ever by my side.

A long time ago, something called Star Wars entered into my life, and the lives of countless women and men, girls and boys - impressionable dreamers who had no idea the depth and breadth impact of that phenomenon… when a take-no-shit princess fearlessly faced off with evil personified and helped lead a rebellion, a scoundrel came back just in the nick of time with lasers blazing, and a farm boy discovered his heritage and started a journey to reconcile his legacy.

A long time ago, another incarnation of the hero’s journey came alive, and sci-fi and action changed, following familiar patterns but forever influenced by the Force.

A long time ago seems like forever past, and just yesterday. And it stretches out into tomorrow and beyond, with the welcoming echo of Hope.

Happy 40th Star Wars. Thanks for being a big part of who I am.

@marauderlester tagged me to do the Handwriting Challenge ! (thanks ily)

as for the people i tag mmh @starmadephan @danulestu @pastelsandphan @radianthowell @dxntasies @kissmyphan

hah i feel like im always tagging the same people im sorryyy of course don’t feel pressured to do it, you can just ignore me ~~

And there was nothing poetic about wanting to kill myself and writing so many suicide notes in my head explaining how sorry I was for the things I did not become. There was nothing poetic and beautiful about crying myself to sleep every night for the past 5 years hoping someone would care enough to save me. No one saved me. No one was going to save me because there is nothing poetic about thinking you can’t be saved. There is nothing poetic about staring at a blank wall for an entire day or smiling and laughing the next and having people think “oh she’s fine.” There was nothing poetic and beautiful about trying to take my own life. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about my mother having a panic attack every time I have a bad day and lock my door. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about me not taking my pills because I don’t know who I am without this sadness. There is nothing poetic and beautiful about having depression and wishing you were dead. There was nothing poetic and beautiful about my depression or anyone else’s depression nor will there ever be anything beautiful and poetic about it.
—  Fuck anyone that says it’s beautiful//Deeply Feeling Series
I figured out how to stop loving someone you’re not supposed to love anymore. I know it sounds impossible but trust me, we’ve done it before. I told my first love that I’d love him forever, but I don’t anymore. He has a spot in my heart- just like my dog and my best friends and a teacher that changed my life- but I don’t love him anymore because that was a different person who was with him and I’m not her anymore. And one day, we’ll no longer love the people we love now, we just have to wait for ourselves to change again. And we try to speed it up by starting new hobbies, getting haircuts, moving, learning a new language. Anything. Because the sad truth is we know we need to shed part of ourselves to fall out of love. And that sucks but it’s necessary.

“why can’t you let anyone ever love you? why won’t you let anyone love you?”

“because people change their minds. their heart changes somewhere down the line and then they end up leaving. they leave. anyone that has ever loved me has left and it’s hard not to think that im the reason.”

—  Deeply feeling series