love of my life man of my dreams

Songs that never fail to make white people beyond turnt
  •  Don’t Stop Believing 
  • Bohemian Rhapsody 
  • Living On A Prayer 
  • Come On Eileen 
  • Sweet Caroline 
  • Shot Through the Heart 
  • Pour Some Sugar on Me 
  • Sweet Home Alabama 
  • Under Pressure 
  • Shook Me All Night Long 
  • Ice Ice Baby 
  • Cotton Eyed Joe
  • 500 Miles
  • Wonderwall 
  • Buddy Holly 
  • A Thousand Miles 
  • Teenage Dirtbag 
  • Red Solo Cup 
  • Mr Brightside 
  • Never Gonna Give You Up 
  • Eye of the Tiger 
  • Chicken Fried 
  • American Pie 
  • I Love Rock and Roll 
  • Dancing Queen 
  • Don’t You Want Me
  • We Will Rock You 
  • The Time Warp 
  • Hey Jude 
  • Piano Man
  • This Is How We Do It
  • Drops of Jupiter 
  • Hey Soul Sister
  • In The End 
  • All The Small Things 
  • Stacy’s Mom 
  • Kryptonite 
  • All Star 
  • You Found Me
  • Bad Day 
  • Bring Me To Life 
  • Dance, Dance
  • Sugar We’re Going Down 
  • I Write Sins Not Tragedies 
  • All The Small Things 
  • Ocean Avenue 
  • Dirty Little Secret 
  • Margaritaville 
  • Sk8er Boi
  • Brown Eyed Girl 
  • Life Is A Highway 
  • Some Nights 
  • Little Lion Man 
  • Breakeven
  • Hey There Delilah 
  • Viva La Vida
  • Use Somebody 
  • Carry On My Wayward Son 
  • Take On Me
  • 1985 
  • Iris 
  • I’m Awesome 
  • Seven Nation Army 
  • September 
  • Since U Been Gone
  • Skinny Love 
  • Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)
  • Bye Bye Bye 
  • Say It Ain’t So 
  • Somewhere Only We Know 
  • I’m Yours 
  • Last Resort 
  • My Girl 
  • Tiny Dancer 
  • Roxanne
  • Shout 
  • I’m a Believer 
  • Soul Man
  • Feel Good Inc 
  • Check Yes Juliet
  • Walking On Sunshine 
  • MMM Bop
  • Pumped up Kicks 
  • Hooked On A Feeling 
  • It’s A Beautiful Day
  • Summer Girls 
  • Before He Cheats 
  • Happy Together
  • You Make My Dreams Come True
  • Build Me Up Buttercup
  • Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
  • DONTTRUSTME
  • Shake It (Metro Station)
  • Juke Box Hero
  • Girls Just Want To Have Fun
“Lemonade” poetry bits

Intuition

I tried to make a home outta you.
But doors lead to trapdoors. A stairway leads to nothing.
Unknown women wander the hallways at night.
Where do you go when you go quiet?
You remind me of my father, a magician. Able to exist in two places at once.
In the tradition of men in my blood you come home at 3AM and lie to me.
What are you hiding? The past, and the future merge to meet us here.
What luck. What a fucking curse.


Denial

I tried to change.
Closed my mouth more.
Tried to be soft, prettier.
Less…awake.

Fasted for 60 days.
Wore white.
Abstained from mirrors.
Abstained from sex.
Slowly did not speak another word.

In that time my hair grew past my ankles.
I slept on a mat on the floor.
I swallowed a sword.
I levitated… into the basement, I confessed my sins and was baptized in a river.
Got on my knees and said, “Amen.” And said I mean. I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet.
I threw myself into a volcano.
I drank the blood and drank the wine.
I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God.
I crossed myself and thought… I saw the devil.
I grew thickened skin on my feet.
I bathed…in bleach and plugged my menses with pages from the Holy Book.
But still inside me coiled deep was the need to know.
Are you cheating? Are you cheating on me?


Anger

If this what you truly want.
I can wear her skin…over mine.
Her hair, over mine.
Her hands as gloves.
Her teeth as confetti.
Her scalp, a cap.
Her sternum, my bedazzled cane.
We can pose for a photograph.
All three of us, immortalized.
You and your perfect girl.

I don’t know when love became elusive.
What I know is no one I know has it.
My father’s arms around my mother’s neck.
Fruit too ripe to eat.

I think of lovers as trees…
…growing to and from one another.
Searching for the same light.
Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you see me? (Why can’t you) Why can’t you see me? Everyone else can.


Apathy

So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me?

Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness.

Her God was listening.
Her heaven would be a love without betrayal.
Ashes to ashes…dust to side chicks.


Emptiness

She sleeps all day…dreams of you in both worlds.

Tills the blood in and out of uterus. Wakes up smelling of zinc.
Grief, sedated by orgasm.
Orgasm heightened by grief.
God was in the room when the man said to the woman, “I love you so much. Wrap your legs around me and pull me in, pull me in, pull me in.”
Sometimes when he’d have her nipple in his mouth, she’d whisper, “Oh my God.” That, too, is a form of worship.
Her hips grind pestle and mortar, cinnamon and cloves, whenever he pulls out.

Loss.
Dear moon, we blame you for floods…for the flush of blood…for men who are also wolves. We blame you for the night, for the dark, for the ghosts.

Every fear…
Every nightmare…anyone has ever had.


Accountability

You find the black tube inside her beauty case.
Where she keeps your father’s old prison letters.
You desperately want to look like her.
You look nothing like your mother.
You look everything like your mother.
Film star, beauty.
How to wear your mother’s lipstick.
You go to the bathroom to apply the lipstick.
Somewhere no one can find you.
You must wear it like she wears disappointment on her face.
Your mother is a woman.
And women like her can not be contained.

Mother dearest, let me inherit the Earth.
Teach me how to make him beg.
Let me make up for the years he made you wait.
Did he bend your reflection?
Did he make you forget your own name?
Did he convince you he was a God?
Did you get on your knees daily?
Do his eyes close like doors?
Are you a slave to the back of his head?
Am I talking about your husband or your father?


Reformation

He bathes me…
…until I forget their names…and faces.
I ask him to look me in the eye when I come…home.
Why do you deny yourself heaven?
Why do you consider yourself undeserving?
Why are you afraid of love? You think it’s not possible for someone like you.
But you are the love of my life…love of my life…the love of my life…the love of my life.


Forgiveness

Baptize me…
…now that reconciliation is possible.
If we’re gonna heal, let it be glorious.
One thousand girls raise their arms.

Do you remember being born?

Are you thankful?
Are the hips that cracked…
…the deep velvet of your mother…
…and her mother…
…and her mother?
There is a curse that will be broken.


Resurrection

You are terrifying…
…and strange…
…and beautiful.


Hope

The nail technician pushes my cuticles back…
…turns my hand over, stretches the skin on my palm and says:
“I see your daughters, and their daughters.”
That night in a dream the first girl emerges from a slit in my stomach.
The scar heals into a smile.
The man I love pulls the stitches out with his fingernails.
We leave black sutures curling on the side of the bath.
I wake as the second girl crawls headfirst up my throat.
A flower blossoming out of the hole in my face.


Redemption

Take one pint of water, add a half pound of sugar, the juice of eight lemons…
…the zest of half lemon.
Pour the water from one jug, then into the other, several times.
Strain through a clean napkin.

Grandmother, the alchemist.
You spun gold out of this hard life.
Conjured beauty from the things left behind.
Found healing where it did not live.
Discovered the antidote in your own kitchen.
Broke the curse with your own two hands.
You passed these instructions down to your daughter.
Who then passed it down to her daughter.

My grandma said, nothing real can be threatened.
True love brought salvation back into me.
With every tear came redemption.
And my torturer became my remedy.

So we’re gonna heal, we’re gonna start again.
You’ve brought the orchestra.
Synchronized swimmers, you are the magician.
Pull me back together again the way you cut me in half.
Make the woman in doubt disappear.
Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk, knot after knot after knot.
The audience applauds…
…but we can’t hear them.


Warsan Shire

9

Happy birthday to the most amazing man I know.  And thank you so much for not only making my life better - but for making the world a happier and better. Thank you for being in my heart since I know how to love. I grew up watching you, you are a part of who i am. Now, I can’t even imagine how my life would be without you. And I know that I’m not alone, there are  thousands of people who feel same. We are proud of you, please never change ❤️

let's talk beautiful lyrics by yoongi

“amidst double standards and opposition everywhere I crushed the limits within myself” (we are bulletproof pt. 2)

“my hobby is proving you wrong” (we on)

“if i ruled the world why would i dream small, of gambling and investing in stocks? i would still be making music with my bangtan fam” (if i ruled the world)

“same day, same moon” (tomorrow)

“the studio is my playground, and the pen and paper are my partners” (triptych)

“a sweet wind named you is blowing in my heart” (miss right)

“others are running forward, yet why am i still here?” (intro: hyyh)

“take a breath, or breathe a dream” (intro: hyyh)

“this moment will never come again, it will never find me again, so i ask myself am i happy? yes, the answer is already there, i am happy.” (intro: hyyh)

“before the day of my birth inside of my mother’s womb, i counted the days till my first move. the cost of the move was a machine on her heart and a scar.” (move….. /fuh my heart)

“on the stage i desired so much, when i sing and dance, i feel that i am yet alive. i can withstand a long commute and the aching of my body because my people are watching me. i endure the exhaustion because the cheers come rolling in.” (born singer)

“i don’t give a shit, i don’t give a fuck” (intro: nvm)

“i have become the pride of my family, and have even succeeded to an extent.” (intro: nvm)

“though i taste failure and disappointment and bow my head, we’re still young and immature don’t even sweat it” (intro: nvm)

“if you can’t go back, run forward…
if you feel you’ll crash, accelerate all the more” (intro: nvm)

“you’re a butterfly effect, shining in pitch darkness. with your light touches i forget reality altogether” (butterfly)

“the words so carelessly thrown at me: even my loneliness looks like pretend to you.” (whalien 52)

“have i engraved my existence into you like rain? or have i come and gone like short showers?” (rain)

“the saying must be true that love blooms like cherry blossoms and then burns to ashes” (let me know)

“hip hop found me like a young child finds his mother” (hip hop lover)

“everyone asks me, what is hip hop, and i say proudly that it is my everything. as a result i have buried my entire existence under music. if loving this culture is a sin i’ll die a hundred times
over.” (hip hop lover)

“dream. hope. forward. forward” (epilogue: young forever)

Anne Shirley was Hamilton long before Lin-Manuel Miranda—only without the music or Alexander’s tragedy. Like Alex, Anne wrote her way out. She wrote her way out of a life of mediocrity, she wrote her way out of Prince Edward Island (albeit briefly), and she wrote her way into the hearts of every person whose path she crossed. But unlike Hamilton, Anne never had to assume that she was the smartest in the room, because she actually was—and after realizing it, she never apologized, because why would she? As a kid watching Anne use her words and her writing to work her way through spelling bees and Avery prizes into Queen’s University, my own know-it-all tendencies seemed a little less extra.


Hell, even as an adult, I think of Anne brazenly building her dream life and feel motivated to get back to work and stop wasting time. Plus, she stopped for no man: while childhood me swooned over the cuteness of Gilbert (obviously), my 31-year-old self loves even more that Anne never slowed down so he could keep up. Instead, dude upped his own ante to keep himself in the game—he was well aware he also had to work.

—  Anne T. Donahue, writer/person/bona fide Canadian from  Why the 1980s Anne of Green Gables Is Such a Hard Act to Follow (Vanity Fair)
Cheap Thrills (reader x Bucky Oneshot)

Characters: reader, Natasha, Sam, Clint, Tony, Bucky, OC Mark. 

Summary: A bet within the Avengers becomes a battle of the sexes, with you at the center of it. Who will be victorious and could it somehow help you snag the man of your dreams? 

Song Inspiration: Cheap Thrills by Sia

Warnings: drinking, sexist behavior? Mild violence mentioned, very subtle mention of sexy times. 

Word Count: 3.3k

A/N: This was supposed to be a short one, but eh. I’ve been living in the land of heavy angst with You are My Heaven and intense stress in my real life so when this fun, fluffy idea popped up, I ran with it. I’m working on a lot of other stuff so be patient, please! As always, I appreciate your feedback. Love each and every one of you!! 

Masterlist

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Originally posted by luvinchris

“Uh uh. No way.”

“It’s true, trust me.”

“You wanna bet?” Clint challenged the redhead across the table from him.

Natasha leaned forward and held his gaze, not an ounce of doubt in her demeanor. “Absolutely.”

It was too early in the morning for this childish banter, you thought from your seated position at the far end of the long kitchen table. You slumped forward, dipping the tea bag in and out of the steaming mug of liquid before you, then setting it on the small saucer beside it. Wrapping your hands around the cup’s warmth, your eyes unfocused as you continued to tune out the blathering of your teammates. The only other person in the room paying them no mind was Bucky, who was slouched in a cozy chair, thoroughly engrossed in a book.

“Now wait a minute,” a third voice joined the argument, “If we’re gonna do this, we gotta level the playing field a little. Nat could do this in her sleep. We need someone a little more…down to earth. How about Y/N?” Sam gestured toward you.

Blinking a few times, you finally broke out of your stupor. “Hey! I was only half listening to your stupidity, but I think I’m offended.”

Keep reading

Fun comp het things

“Um I’m definitely not gay I’m looking at that other girl’s boobs because I want my boobs to look like that haha”

“I’m not gay I love guys!! Just because I’ve never met a guy in real life that I have ever wanted to come into physical contact with ever doesn’t mean I’m not A MegaHet!!! I love Chris Evans”

“I’m just not in a position in my life where I want to date any guys right now… nor have I ever been in a position where I want to date guys but I’m Straight I Promise”

“Thinking about having sex with other girls? That’s just things all straight girls do haha… Because I’m thinking about stuff that guys would find hot, obviously”

“Theoretically I could see myself with a faceless and featureless man who has no discernible human characteristics in the future! Haha my dream man, you ask? Uh, we’ll he’s got hair, a face, eyes probably…”

“No I Don’t Only Get Crushes On Unattainable Guys Who Will Never Like Me Back Cara Shut Your Mouth”

“Girls are just prettier than boys, you know? Because like, girls can wear makeup and stuff. Even though girls without makeup are still prettier than boys. This Is Heterosexual And Science Trust Me”

“Um haha yeah I like him but I don’t want to be around him or talk to him or touch him ever haha what do you mean that IS normal haha”

“Listen,, me having 18 girl crushes is Normal and Heterosexual who doesn’t wanna fuck Kristen Stewart”

“Um straight girls can also like Hayley Kiyoko”

“I don’t really think I wanna get married because I don’t want to be tied down?? I definitely wanna live with my lady best friend when I’m older though we can have sleepovers every night and cook together and cuddle while we watch movies haha she’s the best and I love her and never want to be without her ever. But ew I definitely don’t want to get married I’m scared of commitment haha”

The key to love, my father told me, was to never love someone more than they love you. So when, after dating for five months, Christopher Moore was the first to say “I Love You”, I thought I had hit the “Love Jackpot”. I say this because, prior to him saying it at that very moment, I had never given thought to the possibility that I could love him in return. Standing in front of my apartment building, nervous and excited, facing him and his smile, I questioned whether love was the word to describe what I was feeling. High school love, after all, is quite trivial with it’s ins and outs. Nevertheless after weighing the theoretical pros and cons of love, I decided that I was in love, at least in some respects. He was handsome, smart, sweet, and I enjoyed his company. This is what I believed love boiled down to; four factors. Honesty, clearly, was something I overlooked. About a year and 7 months into our blissful love affair, after graduation had passed and we had spent the summer taking all the cliché couple pictures, Chris decided that he “just couldn’t go on lying to me anymore. “Jenine” he told me “this guilt is eating me alive!”. I imagine there wasn’t much of him left, as it had been “eating away at him” for 6 months. This is when I learned that there is no “key” to love; no guide, no tips, no 101 course, because love is lived and learned; never taught. Try as you may, to forgo the pain of love, you’ll find joy in knowing that it’s survive-able and moreover, sometimes the good outweighs the bad. No, Chris wasn’t the love of my life, but he gave life to my ability to love.

“Never” my father said “let love override your faculty of reason.” Easier said, than done. My next love was Jeremy Bishop. Before you ask, of course there were others between Chris and Jeremy. But this is a story about love; not “almost loves”,“semi loves”, and “could’ve beens”. Jeremy’s love was the worst kind of love. The kind that doesn’t have a reason to exist but somehow it does and you’re glad. Its sole purpose is to debilitate your mind, forcing you to follow only your emotions. While Jeremy was dreamy, I learned that the man of your dreams can sometimes be the root of your nightmares.

I met Jeremy my junior year at _________ University. It was a Sunday and I had been studying in the library for an anthropology midterm and decided that I would take a break. Putting my highlighter down & flexing my hand I stood up & headed towards the bathroom. As I walked through the stacks, passing my hand across the rows of books I’d never read, my friend Denise spotted me and waved me over. Walking swiftly I made my way to the table she was stationed it & gathered that she had been studying all day as all. Splayed papers, open textbooks, two highlighters, & her laptop with several window open screamed “cram session” to me. After having sat & talked for some time about school & it’s “scammagry”, I noticed that someone had taken a seat at the end of the table. You know those typical movies where two people look up at the same time & smile coyly at one another? Well that’s what happened with us…….minus the smiling. When Jeremy & I caught eyes it was more of an inquisitive stare down. I relented because who really stares at a stranger for lengths at a time? Apparently Jeremy does because every time I looked up he was looking at me or perhaps through me. Whatever the case was I asked Denise if she could “Excuse me for one second?” as I got up from my seat and sauntered over to Jeremy, running my fingernails along the wooden table that both separated and joined us.

He was brown skinned but it was a rich brown that I often found myself lost in. He had brown hair that was cut low to avoid maintenance & also to spite his mother who so much loved it longer. His eyes were almost black they were so dark, yet you never asked someone to hit the lights when staring into them. He had a slight dimple on the right side of face that only presented itself in the presence of his mother, its creator.

“I know you or something?” I said, to which he looked up & responded “No you don’t. But since you’re already here, I’m Jeremy. Nice to meet you….” he said moving his hand in that circular waiting motion “this is usually the part where you tell me your name”. He was sarcastic & forthcoming and I liked it. “This is usually the part when I’d say Jenine. My name is Jenine. Though I’m not sure it’s nice to meet you.” “Well Jenine, do you have HIST 256 on Mondays & Thursdays? I think that’s where I’ve seen you before.” “Well Jeremy, had I known you were a stalker I would’ve stayed at the other end of the table” “A stalker Jenine? Really? I think you’re mistaking my keen eye for details.” “I stand corrected then. I just had no idea I was noticeable to your "keen eye”, I said, making air quotes. He leaned in & said, “Maybe Jenine, just maybe there’s a lot of things you don’t know. I’d be happy to fill you in though. If you were ever free.” “Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me, Jeremy, that you’re asking me out.” “It seems that way, because it is that way. But enough with this, would you be interested in going out?” “I’ll contemplate it.”

A week later Jeremy picked me up in his beat up silver 2010 Toyota Corolla. Got out & offered to close the door for me not because he was a gentleman but because I literally couldn’t close it myself. He told me he wanted to show me his favorite place in all of Brooklyn. We drove for about 15 mins and parked in DUMBO; my favorite place. As we walked to the pier he barraged me with every menial question from favorite color to top five movies. I stopped his questioning because I realized I knew nothing about him. “What about you?” I said. “Tell me something I don’t know about you.” “I’m a Taurus. Now back to you.” “Your sign. You gave me the third degree and in return you tell me your astrological sign??” “I’m really not that interesting. I kind of just go with the flow nothing special really.” “I could say the same about myself but you don’t see me spewing monotonous facts about myself” “That’s just it though. You’re very interesting. I see you twice a week & you never look the same to me. Always a different hairstyle, new lipstick, different outfit. You keep me guessing & well…I like that.” “Different outfit…Did you expect me to have the same clothes on like a cartoon character?”

Jeremy took my clothes off the way he took down my walls; slowly & intently. I never felt exposed or vulnerable. It was easy with him & who doesn’t like easy? The first time we had sex he kissed every scar and stretch mark on my body while he whispered beautiful and for the first time I believed it. This is when I knew I loved him; this is when I knew he loved me. We fell into a routine & inevitably, that’s how we fell apart. We saw each other four-five times a week in between work, school & our respective friends. I’d meet him after work or he’d meet me after class, we’d get some food or I’d cook, we’d talk, then go back to his dorm room or my house & somewhere in between there we’d fuck once or twice & that would be that. Talk, Eat, Fuck, Repeat. This, I should inform you, was the foundation for our dismantling. Jeremy grew tired of our monotony, I suppose, & because of that he started talking to a female customer who had “just so happened” to frequent his job. In talking they “just so happened” to find they had “so much in common” & somehow Jeremy’s dick “just so happened” to be in her mouth when I walked into his dorm room to get the spare phone charger I left there just in case. “Oh Mahh Gahhhh” is what Celeste said with his dick slighty tucked to the left side of her mouth because it wouldn’t have been polite to pull it out all together; though I’m sure there was no God she could ever call her own. Startled yet surprisingly indifferent I found my charger in the first drawer of his night stand now decoratively arrayed with ripped condom wrappers and I closed the door behind me.

Walking out of the apartment I didn’t feel anything but when I reached the stairs it hit me and when Jeremy came running out of his room, pulling his boxers up I looked up at him from the top stair I was sitting on & hit him right in the groin. “Shit! Ahh! Damn, J! Come on!” he winced . “Come on?? Excuse me?!? You’re such a fucking dickhead. Like what the fuck?” “I know. I know. I’m sorry babe. You gotta believe me! I swear it’ll never happen again.” & that’s what I wanted to believe after all; that this was just a bump along our road; that we could get through this because we could get through anything. So when Jeremy crouched down in front of me, put his hand under my chin, looked me right in the eye and told me he was “so sorry”, that he “really loved me”, that he was “mad stupid for doing that” I believed him & gave us another chance because I wasn’t ready to admit failure.

Celeste Soto was the average full figured broad who just “couldn’t help” falling for other women’s boyfriends, husbands, fiancés, you name it. Walking back into his room, I found her putting her left shoe on with one hand on his desk for balance. “You gotta believe mama” she said “I didn’t know he even had a girl. You feel me? I wouldn’t have done anything with him. Thas crazy disrespectful. My bad.” as she adjusted her bra strap and pulled her hair into a messy bun. Turning slighty towards Jeremy, I looked at him as if to say “really?!? THIS was the best you could do??” and he lowered his head, and stared at this one spot on the carpet that he could never get out. Not only had Jeremy cheated but he chose the lowest of women to do it with. “First of all, I’m not one of your friends so I don’t know why you’re calling me "mama” & no I don’t “feel” you nor do I intend to. Get your shit and get out!“ When she was gone I searched the apartment for remnants of her presence, prior to that days visit. An earring, a hair tie, maybe a lip balm. I found nothing or maybe I wasn’t really looking.

For eight months straight Jeremy was on his BEST behavior. He’d let me know where he was at all times as to ensure that he wasn’t out cheating; send pictures as proof on some occasions. I have to admit, though I was secure in his whereabouts, I was also sure that this was not how healthy relationships works. Nevertheless I looked forward to each notification because afterall "once a cheater……"you know the rest. One night I went over to his place to cook dinner, partially to ensure he wouldn’t be feeding Celeste or any other girl his penis but also because this is what I missed most about us. I had become so preoccupied with deciding whether or not I could trust him that I wasn’t concerned with trying to make us seem normal. After dinner we were in his bed tearing at each other’s clothes & after switching positions five times he looked down at me & said "I can’t do this”. Looking back at him I said “it’s cool I wasn’t feeling it either honestly”. “Not this” he said falling to my side, facing the ceiling “I mean like this….us”. Somehow though I knew that was what he had meant. This ball of something akin to both fear & anger welled up in my throat & grew until finally all I could say was “oh”. One tear fell from my eye & couldn’t allow myself to shed another. “This whole time” he said getting up from the bed “I wasn’t with you because I wanted to be. I was with you because I didn’t want to let you down.” He was pacing back & front at the foot of the bed, lifting his hands to his head then retracting them, looking over at me occasionally for assurance of my understanding. So he continued "I couldn’t let your last image of me be somebody who betrayed you. I had to prove you wrong & that’s selfish. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be in a relationship I’m not fully committed to. It isn’t fair to either of us J & you can hate me but I’d rather you hate me for being honest.” “Is this a joke? Please tell me you’re kidding right now” I said, half laughing half crying. “Let me get this straight” I said, sitting upright in his bed, pulling my shirt over my head “You cheated…..You lied…..YOU fucked up….You begged for another chance!…and my stupid ass gave you one. I’m just so lost right now.” This is when I realized I never should have sat on those steps & cried. I should’ve ran out of that building like it was on fire because guys like him will always burn you.

Some nights I could still hear his footsteps pacing the floor & I’d wonder when in the hell it would be over. When I’d stop crying; when I’d realize I was better off without him. But there’s this moment & I know it sounds cliche but you just wake up & you feel different you feel like you can begin again. One morning I woke up and knew Jeremy would never have a hold on me the way he did before, but more importantly I didn’t want him to.

The thing about baggage is that you never realize how much of it you carry around. In fact you assume that more often than not you don’t carry any at all because you’re “over it” or you’ve “moved on”. You’ll find yourself compromising because you just want someone to call at night; that wants only you. “Trust me.” my mother said “There will be others and don’t think that you have to look for them or that you have to settle.” My mother had a way with words. I’m not sure if that’s necessarily a good thing but the fact remains that when she said those words to me I wished she had kept her opinion to herself. I would never settle…..or at least I didn’t think I would.

I knew I didn’t love Benjamin the first time he came inside me & I wished I had never come to his apartment, let alone into his room splayed with dirty laundry that he was “gonna get to”. More importantly I knew I couldn’t love Benjamin, not the way I wanted to at least, when he told me I’m just like my mother. This sounds stupid I know, but let me explain.

After a week of working overtime, my best friend Selene dragged me out of my apartment for a night of bar hopping. Upon walking into our third stop, Benjamin grabbed my hand & told me I was pretty. That was it. There was no drawn out conversation, no playing hard to get, it was very low stakes. I gave him my number & before I got to the next bar he had called & asked when he could see me again. “Tomorrow” I said.

The next evening Benjamin showed up at my apartment with no plan other than to show up. We decided to see a movie.

The movie we saw doesn’t matter. Neither does the fact that we went to the movies. What matters is that after we left the movies, Benjamin grabbed both my hands & kissed me. When he stopped & I looked up at him he said “You taste like stale popcorn”. I thought “what the fuck?” & then he reminded me that we shared a popcorn. Our entirely relationship was like this; constant reminders of things I should have been aware of.

Ben was different from Jeremy because he never lied to me. That doesn’t necessarily mean that’s a good thing though. His honesty was one that I had to grow accustomed to. We had been dating for about two months, when I called him asking if he wanted to get dinner later & he simply replied “no”. No explanation, no rain check, no apology; he just hung up. Later he’d text me & say that we should get breakfast instead the next day because he liked being the first person I talked to in the morning. He never hid anything from me. Girls would text him, telling him how much they “missed him” how much “fun” they used to have & he’d show me his phone while laughing & ask what I thought he should say in his reply. It was almost inconceivable, how much he included me in his decisions when it came to other women. Co-workers would invite him out to dinner & drinks after work, over to their apartments, concerts & he would ask me, not if he could go (because he was going to do what he wanted regardless) or if I wanted to come with, but how I’d feel if he went it with them. We’d be waiting for our heart rates to drop back to normal after sex; our skin still dewy and tingling and he’d say “the last time was better” or “you faked it, but that’s cool” as he got up and ambled to the bathroom & I’d wonder if he had to be so honest with me all the time.

I woke up one day to him sitting at my kitchen table in just some sweatpants, signing a card. Next to him there was a huge bouquet of sunflowers. I walked over to him, fixing my bed hair into a bed bun & when I sat down he was startled. “I didn’t think you’d be up this early” he said & I looked over at the clock on microwave. “It’s after 11……does that even count as early?” I said. He looked up at me, then at the clock, then back at me & shrugged “I guess not”. I asked “Who’s the card for?” & as he sealed it, he handed to me & said “Happy Anniversary Sweetness” with no inflection. My face dropped to the floor, along with the card. “An anniversary?” I thought “have we really been dating a year? Maybe it’s like a six month anniversary? But that’s not even an anniversary!” After a few mental “Fuck!!”’s, I pulled myself together, awkwardly smiled as I picked up the card & opened it. It had been a year since I moved into my own place. In the card he wrote about how happy he was for me; that he knew how big of a deal it was for me to live on my own & he wanted me to know that it was just as important to him. I cried out of relief. He thought I was overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness, primarily because as I closed the card, hugged him, wiped my tears and sniffled into his neck, I whispered “Thank you. This means a lot.”. One year of independence; something I should have been aware of.

The first time he told me he loved me, I opened my mouth to respond & he placed his index finger on my parted lips. “Stop” he said. “Not everything I say deserves or should be met with a response Jenine. I love you. That’s it.” I of course flew into defense. “So I can’t say it back? I can’t love you in return? What kind of bullshit is that Ben? You can’t just say something like that & expect me not to say anything back.” “I never said you can’t say anything back. But think about it baby, I said I love you & your first instinct was to respond. You didn’t even really take the moment in. That’s what I’m saying. I don’t want you to love me back because I love you. I want you to love me because you actually love me.” I felt little, like a child, like I had been put in my place, handled, dealt with, but I wouldn’t let him know. “You’re such an asshole sometimes” I said “but that Benjamin, for your information, is why I love you. Because you’re only an asshole sometimes”.

There are two important things I remember from when I broke up with Ben:

1. It was raining.
2. He told me I should’ve ended us a long time ago.

I came back to the apartment from the gym. As I shook my umbrella walking through the door, Ben sauntered by in his usual attire, house sweats and no shirt, saying “You must love mopping.” in a condescending tone. I happily returned the tone saying “Definitely. I just love it! Can’t get enough.” as I rolled my eyes and the umbrella up, fastening it shut. I walked over to the kitchen & checked the fridge. All that was left was this chicken Parmesan “thing” I had attempted to make three days earlier & it looked like a big pile of mush at that point. I chucked it & decided that take out sounded good. I had a taste for some pad thai so the choice was easy. Picking up my phone & dialing the number I thought it might be a good idea to ask Ben what he wanted but I figured he’d eat whatever I ordered him. So I made the call, ordered Chicken Pad Thai and another peanut sauce dish with shrimp, and hung up. As soon as my phone had ended the call, Benjamin started an argument. “Why would you order food without asking me what I wanted?” he asked me walking out of the bedroom and I replied “I ordered food for us both. No need to say thank you”. He walked towards the window to look out but really it was all dramatics because our window looks directly at the alley behind our building that holds nothing but two dumpsters and a few forgotten cats. “Why would I say thank you to you for doing something I never asked you to do?” he said with his back turned to me “Sometimes” he scoffed, almost laughing, as he looked at the rain collect in the window sill. “Sometimes I don’t get you. Like after all this time you still do shit that irritates me and I wonder why the fuck I still want to lay next to you at night or wake up with you in the morning.” I was sitting on the sofa, absentmindedly playing with the tag on this pillow I bought two years before when he & I had just started dating. He told me the pattern on it reminded him of us; that the lines never intersected. They just changed direction. “Nobody is holding you here Ben. You can leave anytime you’d like.” I said as I picked up the remote & turned on the television.

Thirty-five minutes later I was annoyed that the food hadn’t arrived but also because Ben never left the window. He just stayed there staring at the rain while it sheeted down the window screen and when thunder roared he’d just sigh. “What could be taking this food so long? The place isn’t even that far.” I complained. “It’s the rain Jenine. Everything slows when it rains. People, cars, buses, trains, bikes, they all slow.” He paused “You also might want to factor in the idea that a bunch of people order take out on a night like this.” I answered back “I knew that!……why are you always telling me things as if I don’t know them? As if I’m not aware? It’s just annoying. You’re annoying.” Ben walked away from the window & towards the kitchen counter. He planted his two hands palm down on the counter, hoisted himself up to sit on it, looked at me & said “Maybe it’s not me that annoys you Jenine. Maybe you can’t admit that I’m ever fucking right! I can’t ever make a point without you saying “I knew that!”. If you knew it Jenine…..then why would you say half the shit you say or do half the shit you do.“ I paused the lifetime movie I had been somehow become invested in and pressed a metaphorical "play” on the scene that was unfolding in our living room. “I don’t know Ben. Maybe you’re right” I replied as I sat up, crossed my legs and interlaced my fingers over my knee. “Maybe I can’t handle the fact that you make valid points. Or perhaps it’s the fact that you can’t ever let me be wrong without making me look like a complete ass. You’re always so philosophical. "Oh thee "all knowing Ben!” Ohh he who knows more than anyone!“ I mocked. "It’s insulting. For someone who is just so wise you damn sure don’t know how to do your own fucking laundry, or wash a dish, or aim your penis directly into the bowl when you pee. Stop with the bullshit. We both have our faults.” My phone rang. The food was downstairs.

I threw on my worn out flip flops and shuffled down the 3 flights of stairs. Walking back into the apartment with food in hand, I saw that Ben had returned to the window. He walked over to the kitchen counter where I was standing, taking the food out of the brown paper bag & said “You said your ordered me food.” “I just ordered two things off the menu. I figured we’d just share.” I reasoned. “Right I get that but I don’t like peanuts. You know that. Don’t you? I’ve told you this. I’m sure I have as we’ve been together give or take I don’t know 2 & half years!” “Dammit! I whispered to myself. "I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking & I was hungry & I’m…..sorry. I’m just sorry.” “It’s fine” he said. “I should’ve just picked something up on the way home. It isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this. You’re like your mother in that way.” “Like my mother? All of this over some take out? Listen, good luck with dinner.” I said as I grabbed a plastic fork at the bottom of the bag & headed back to the sofa. “Yeah, like your mother.” he continued, following me. “You’re always complaining that she never listens to you; that you have to remind her of things you’ve already told her. Yet, here you are never listening to me. It’s not even about the apology. It’s that I just don’t think you’re really sorry at all.” he retorted. “Fair enough.” I said, putting my food down on the coffee table. “You wanna know what I’m really sorry about Ben? Huh? Fine. I’m sorry I moved in with you. I’m sorry I’ve been in this relationship for this long because we’ll never be good enough for one another. You know that right? We’re always going to be like this Ben.” I said, pointing at the pace between with both hands. “It’s never going to be enough that we love each other. There’s gotta be more to love than whatever the fuck we’re doing. I just don’t think this is healthy. I don’t think we’re growing here. Do you?”. “Now that J…that’s the most honest thing you’ve said to me. You’re always saying what you think I want to hear and that’s my problem with you. You never say what the hell you want because you think too much about it. We are growing, it’s just apart from one another.” He sighed, finally saying “Look, I’m tired.” as he walked exhaustedly back towards the bedroom, on an empty stomach & closed the door behind him. I couldn’t figure out if he meant he was tired of us, of the arguing, of never really getting back to how we were or if he was honestly tired.

I slept on the sofa & I use the term “slept” very lightly. What I really did was stare at the ceiling, trying to figure out if this was really it for Ben & I. If that was our last real conversation; if that even counted as a conversation. I planned out what I’d say in the morning after we’d both had time to think & reflect. I’d tell him I was sorry about going off & that it’s not that I don’t want to try to make it work but that I don’t even think trying is worth an actual try. I thought about it & felt like the whole relationship was a perpetual “try”. We’d just kept getting up, dusting each other off, & holding hands until we’d fall again thinking it didn’t matter because we’d fallen together. How many times do you have to fall before you realize that perhaps it isn’t the ground that’s tripping you up? That it might just be you. Do you have to scrape your knees a few times or fall flat on your face? How do you know when you’ve had enough?

I laid there falling in & out of sleep. I had this weird dream that I was baking a cake. I kept checking on it. Ben was there but he didn’t really say much. Finally I took it out of the oven & it was burnt around the edges. He shuffled over to the stovetop & looked at the cake with a somber face. “I told you it was done 10 minutes ago. You should’ve taken it out.” he said & I just stared at him blankly because he was right. I turned the pan over and the cake popped out. I let it cool, frosted it and cut a piece. Jeremy hunched over the counter top and watched me put the cake on a plate with confusion. “You’re just going to eat a burnt cake?” he questioned me. I had just taken my first bite and was going in for a second when I looked up at him and said “It still tastes good so what’s the difference?”. “The difference, Jenine, is that you know the whole cake doesn’t taste good. Only certain parts do. Why don’t you just throw it out and make another one?” he said walking over to the cake, lifting the plate up at different points and angles to get a good look at it. It was as though he was wondering how the frosting did anything but make the cake look even sadder. I licked the last bit of frosting off my fork and said “Because, burnt or not burnt, I still love cake.”

I woke up to a sliver of sunlight shining through the living room across the floor & stopping right at the front door. I sat up & checked the time. It was 7:06. I decided I’d go to the bedroom and get some real rest. I stood up & stumbled towards the bedroom. As soon as I reached the door, Ben was coming out of the room. He was dressed & had 2 bags with him not including the backpack he’d never leave the house without. All of the things I had planned on saying were forgotten. I could barely see straight, let alone gather the words I wanted to say. He looked at me then said “Sorry. Can I just get by?”. “Sure!” I blurted out as I moved to the left, almost jumping. He walked towards the front door & I asked “Umm can at least ask where you’re going?”. He stopped moving and turned, telling me “I thought about what you said J. About us not being enough for one another. I guess I just always thought it would work itself out. But I see what you mean. I don’t know the exact moment when you came to that conclusion, or maybe you decided it, but you should’ve ended us then instead of now. So I’m leaving. I guess I’ll pick up the rest of my stuff over the next couple of weeks.”. That’s it. He was gone. Whatever he had left, the “stuff” he mentioned, was never picked up. They were minuscule items really; a toothbrush, some body wash, a value pack of razors. Things that made you think of him, even though they were all replaceable. It didn’t take long for me to realize that much like the burnt cake, I still loved Ben.

To be continued or whatever…….

anonymous asked:

you said you were working on reading 10 trans and wlw books this year but you didn't mention what they were!

THAT WAS REMISS OF ME, because so far they’ve been mostly friggin’ awesome: 

  • The Abyss Surrounds Us by Emily Skrutskie ♥ (wlw 1/10) – light sci-fi, light dystopian, LESBIAN MOTHERFUCKING PIRATES!!!!!!!!
  • This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel ♥ (trans 1/10) – this is what I was reading when I made that post, and it ended up being the borderline-literary, adult fiction, family + trans kid saga of my dreams
  • Luna by Julie Anne Peters (trans 2/10) – old enough to be considered a Classic of the very small, very niche genre, but is now suuuuper dated compared to everything else on this list (that possibly makes it required reading, tbh) 
  • Beast by Brie Spangler ♥ (trans 3/10) – I absolutely loved this book! it’s ANOTHER boy meets girl ~*~with a secret~*~ (i.e. she’s trans) book but actually really refreshing and lovely 
  • Coffee Boy by Austin Chant (trans 4/10) – this is more of a novella than a novel and also NOTHING HAPPENS but it was still cute
  • Peter Darling by Austin Chant ♥ (trans 5/10) – PETER PAN SEQUEL IN WHICH PETER IS TRANS AND COMES BACK TO NEVERLAND AS A GROWN UP AND FALLS IN LOVE WITH HOOK, A.K.A. MY DREAM BOOK
  • We Are Okay by Nina LaCour (wlw 2/10) – a lovely, quiet, sad-but-hopeful book (in which the protagonist just happens to be gay)
  • The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson (trans) – I’m not counting this towards my goal of 10 because it’s a memoir by someone who’s married to a trans man rather than A Novel About A Trans Person, but it was a really great read!
  • Days Without End by Sebastian Barry ♥ (trans 6/10) – one of the most fulfilling Book Surprises of my life was realising that Thomas is trans!!! the cherry on top of an already stunningly beautiful and moving novel 
  • This Is Where It Ends by Marieke Nijkamp (wlw 3/10) – I wasn’t mad about this book, but two of the POV characters are lesbians who’re in a relationship with each other (and iirc they’re the only relationship in the book) so it counts I guess 
  • Hold Your Own by Kate Tempest (trans) – this poem is trans in a THE GODS HATH TVRNED ME INTO A WOMAN way rather than a regular trans way, so I’m not counting it, but it was ELECTRIFYING and I loved it 
I tried, I truly and whole heartily did.
I spent hour after hour writing, rewriting, deleting, and editing hundreds of notes on my phone and thousands of papers with ink staining my skin where he should be.
As everything lays saturated and overflowing with feelings and words, I still cease to find or fit together these thoughts perfectly to help understand and explain what he does to me.
Hours turn to days, I still cannot find one piece of writing, one song, one line from my favorite book, that could ever do him justice.
He has plagued my mind, infected me with all that is good and pure, he is in my veins overriding all my doubts and fears and replacing them with the warmth of your smile
He has shown me things about myself I thought I had lost for good
He taught me to feel the things in both him and myself I never thought could exist outside of fairy tales.
The oceans will never have the waves required to swallow the mountains of love he unearthed from the depths of my soul.
There will never be a strong enough hurricane to drown the strength I’ve gained with him by my side.
The house I have slept and lived in for 15 years could never make me feel as at home as I do when he holds me close.
No matter how many police surround me, no matter how many knives my hands can hold, I will never feel as safe as I do when I find his hand on my knee, his thumb making circles as he drives slower than the speed limit.
With eyes on an empty road and car pointed towards the departure of a writer with her muse.
Yet, even with the view of mountains taunting me with the notion that too soon, I’ll be away from my happiest home
He removes his hand to turn up the music, allowing him to sing along to the music
As I watch him, at a loss of words, I am still reminded that no matter how far, he will ignite a fire in me that will burn hotter than a thousand stars
His eyes, those that which hold such a honey brown beauty that even Shakespeare himself is at a loss for words of how to describe their beauty
While I have never been one to look forward to the future, yet still, as I feel his lips on my forehead, I can see us clear as day in a year from now happier than thought possible.
There isn’t a single combination of words, out of all the quotes, poems and songs, not one can depict and properly show all that he is to me.
He is all that is anything in my life.
His mind is what holds my dreams, it holds the man who cannot be described with words
His hands hold all that I am with a kind of love that engulfs everything around it.
His mouth holds the key to my mind, his smile is a sight that can cause my breath to completely stop
His eyes contain all beauty in the world and with a simple look he makes me fall in love
He is my continuing happiness and strength, he is all my love and inspiration.
Words will never describe who he is to me because everything about my words, what they say, what they mean, how they came to form the way they did, are him.
No words can describe who he is to me, because he is all that my words are meant to be.
2

happy birthday to the man who gave me everything, who helped me believe in myself when no one else did, who finally stopped holding out for the life he wished he had and started fighting for the one he did. of all the sky’s stars, i know your soul is the most beautiful, by far. thank you for saving me, for teaching me what true strength really is, for inspiring me to pursue my own future in poetry and music and love. “someday the clouds and storm clears for everybody and you realize you can fucking move mountains.” damn straight, pete. dream on, you crazy kid. do what you do best: live.

Wedding in Hawaii || Part 2

hi. well i must say that part 1 went down pretty well, you all seemed to love it which makes me extremely happy! currently i’m working on part 3 and considering that harry styles just rocked up to the airport in a pair of glasses and a shirt that says “women are smarter” i am going to have to write about that too so get seated loves! i hope you’s will enjoy part 2, it’s really really fluffy and you will cry if you are sensitive. even if you aren’t you will shed a tear or two bc harry’s amazing. ok i shall stop rambling. hope you’s enjoy, don’t forget to like and follow and i think there’s an option to turn on my post notifications as well so if you don’t wanna miss out on cute harry stuff i suggest you turn it on 😘 lotta love, xoxo -b

Part 1 •  Part 3

It was around 12 pm when Harry and I finished our time in the gym that Harry desperately wanted to visit. He said it tends to help with his hangover and I knew about that because he’s done it before, I just didn’t think it helps. For me at least.

Once we got back from our work out session we both showered then got into something comfy to go and hang out in with the others.

Harry was wearing blue shorts with a grey shirt that had an eagle on the front, white sunglasses and a yellow snapback.

I think it was safe to say that he looked stunning. Gorgeous. Absolutely breath-taking. Beautiful.

You get the gist.

While he was literally shining I was looking like trash next to him but I didn’t mind because his beauty was enough for me too.

“I lost count on how many times I’ve caught you staring at me just since we got back from the gym,” Harry told me as he laughed.

We were sitting on the grass because we liked to make a show of ourselves in front of other people. It was chill as we were both having a glass of champagne, not minding one bit that we just got over our hangovers.

That’s how you roll when you’re a wedding guest, right?

“Can you blame me?” I asked him as I brought my glass up to my mouth and took a sip of my cold and bubbly drink. It felt good as it slid down my throat into my stomach, the coolness of it giving me a refreshing feeling for a little while. “You’re quite possibly the prettiest human being here.”

“You compliment me too much. It should be the other way round,” he shook his head which I saw from the corner of my eye. “Sometimes I feel like our roles are reversed.”

“Why?”

“Don’t know,” he shrugged. Wow, thanks for helping me. “I just do. But I don’t mind. It feels good to have someone like you beside me. Giving me compliments when I feel down and stuff, always making sure I’m grounded. I’m glad to have you.”

“You’re gonna make me cry, stop,” I laughed. As the words left his lips I just suck all of them in which totally messed with my emotions. He just had his own way of making me feel all these things and I will never be able to explain just what he does to me. “You deserve it all, honestly.”

“How much do you wanna bet that you’ll be the one to get down on one knee?”

“I’ll be getting down on two tonight,” I blurted out which caused him to just look at me with a smirk on his lovely features.

“Y’know what I meant you cheeky girl,” he squeezed my thigh, his hand eventually going more and more up. “I swear you got more confident ever since we got together.”

“Ever Since New York.”

“Huh?”

“Your song, silly boy.”

“Still don’t know what you’re saying.”

“You said I got more confident ever since we got together. But those are not the lyrics to your song.”

“Oh,” he said. “Oh my godness, baby, really?”

“I’m a proud girlfriend. Did you know that by the way? I’m proud of you. Like, super-duper proud.”

“Thank you,” he smiled and leaned closer, his lips touching mine in a sweet, champagne flavoured kiss.

A small moan escaped from me as he massaged his soft and tender lips against mine, his tongue slightly tracing over my upper lip causing me to open my mouth. Soon enough our tongues were slapping together and tasting each other, the familiar taste of the champagne rolling off of his sweet lips and tongue made my head spin and body shake. 

Our kiss started off totally innocent then ended up quite heated. But I loved it. Every time Harry and I kissed I just fell in love with him more and more.

The heated moment was interrupted when a ball was thrown our way, our lips parting ways quickly with a smacking noise. My cheeks were turning slightly pink as I licked my lips and turned my head where Harry was looking.

“Harry, play with me!” the little girl asked him, well, more like demanded then soon enough she ran away.

She was basically in love with Harry. Her name was Lily one of the men’s daughters, only 5 years old if I remember correctly. She was the cutest little girl I have seen in a long time; her neediness for Harry’s attention reminded me a bit of myself.

I looked back to Harry who was laughing as he was already staring at me with his eyes, licking his lips which caught my attention straight away.

His lips were pink, shiny and kissable. Whenever he would talk I’d sometimes just zone out and admire his mouth, the way he forms each word is just absolutely mesmerising to me.

Well, everything he does is mesmerising to me.

“Guess I better go and play,” he laughed before pecking my lips softly. I put my hand on the side of his neck, biting into my lower lip as I scanned over his face not missing one bit before seeing his little side smirk appear alongside his dimples. “You’re literally obsessed with me, aren’t you, pretty girl?”

“I just love you. I’m in love with you. Badly,” I told him what he probably already knew. Wow I loved him so much I would jump off a cliff for him if it meant he’ll be happy for the rest of his life and nothing bad will happen to him.

“I love you so much,” he said as he pressed a kiss to my forehead then got up to play with Lily.

And if I wasn’t an emotional mess before than I sure as hell turned into one the moment they started to play.

Harry had his phone in one hand while his champagne glass was in the other one and Lily was just chasing after him as he jogged in front of her. Their laughter added to the vibe of the people who were already talking and it made the atmosphere livelier and more welcoming to those who only just got to where we were.

Moments later Harry gave me his phone as he continued to play with the little girl. When he bopped her nose and she laughed then he joined in as well my whole heart melted like a big block of butter in the hot weather and I couldn’t stop the semi-loud “aw” rushing out of my mouth.

That was honestly the cutest fucking thing ever.

Lily was so small and Harry was so tall and gorgeous and the way he just messed around with the little girl was so adorable and all I wanted to do was get pregnant and give him a baby. I know I sound crazy but honestly.

He was so damn adorable I wanted to cry in happiness. He was just the man of my dreams. No, wait, scratch that.

Harry was better than any man in any of my dreams ever. Harry was something else.

He was better than anyone I have ever met, he raised my expectations and standards to an unhealthily high bar and I almost felt stuck up for it.

I loved him so much it was quite pathetic and indescribable; he made me so happy I sometimes wondered what my life was like before I got to know him.

“What are you thinking, pretty girl?” his voice was so close to me I almost jumped out of my skin. I wasn’t expecting him to be next to me but I guess my thoughts totally drowned me.

“Nothing much,” I answered finally as I looked up to him.

“Alright, if you say so,” he sat back down next to me, pushing his sunglasses up so that they were resting on his head on top of his snapback. “We have a dinner to attend tonight. Would you do me the honours of being my date for it?”

“I would absolutely love that,” I told him smiling which he returned. “You get tanned so easily I’ll have to get my game on.”

“You’re so fucking competitive,” he shook his head laughing.

“I am. Do you have a problem with that?” I asked back sassily.

“No just know that I will not let you win. I will be tanner than you are by the time we are going home.”

“Is that what you think?” I raised one of my eyebrows, challenging him. “Fifty quid when we get home?” I put my hand out, knowing full well he’s gonna have to pay.

We’ve done this before when we were in LA and I was twenty quid richer when we got back home. I had to raise the bar by thirty to make some profit.

“Alrighty, miss,” he took my hand and shook it. “Fifty quid right as we land at Heathrow.”

I winked at him, lifting up my new glass of champagne and taking a sip. I can’t wait to spend that fifty quid on shit that I don’t even need.

anonymous asked:

How many unreleased songs are there from beyonce?!?

Lotssss. I’ll give you a list of her unreleased songs along with some other interesting songs that may have been forgotton over the years just click the titles of the songs to listen.

(Unreleased Dangerously In Love Songs)

Baby You’re The Only Man / I’m Glad There’s You / Ice Cream 
Settle 4 U / I Can’t Take No More (Appeared on the “Speak My Mind” mixtape) / Sexuality (Appeared on the “Speak My Mind” mixtape)

(He’s) My Man
(Appeared on a later edition of Destiny Fulfilled also has the full conversation at the start) / What’s It Gonna Be (Japanese Edition, also on Live At Wembley)

(Unreleased B’Day Songs)

Blind Trust / Inevitably/Forever To Bleed / Kick Him Out (Next Ex) / New Shoes / Back Up (Circuit City Bonus) / Lost Yo Mind (Itunes Bonus)

(Unreleased I Am… Sasha Fierce Songs)

Black Culture / Control / Now I Know/Forever To Bleed / Roc
Slow Love / Stop Sign / Waiting

(Unreleased 4 Songs)

Dreaming (Japanese Bonus)

(Unreleased Destiny Fulfilled Songs)

Body Rock / Heart / Twirk

(Others)

After All Is Said And Done (The Best Man) / Woman Like Me (Pink Panther Movie) / God Made You Beautiful (Life Is But A Dream)
I’m Leaving (Appeared on the “Speak My Mind” mixtape)
Keep Giving Your Love To Me (Bad Boys II) / My First Time (Live At Wembley) / Rise Up (Epic) / Sexy Lil Thug aka In Da Club (Appeared on the “Speak My Mind” mixtape)
I’m Alone Now / What’s Good With You?

(Forgotton Features)

Usher - Love In This Club Part II Feat. Beyoncé & Lil Wayne

Solange - Naive Feat. Beyoncé & Da Brat

Alicia Keys - Put It In A Love Song Feat. Beyoncé

Kanye West - See Me Now Feat. Beyoncé, Big Sean & Charlie Wilson

The Dream - Turnt Feat. Beyoncé & 2 Chainz

Justin Timberlake - Until The End Of Time Feat. Beyoncé

Kelly Rowland - You Changed Feat. Beyoncé & Michelle

Prompt List

Random prompts that I gathered from other various lists over the years. Feel free to leave a request!


1. I don’t even know. who I am without you.
2. The way you flirt is just shameful.
3. I’m flirting with you.
4. You don’t need to protect me.
5. You can’t even look at me!
6. Stop looking at me like that!
7. You make a good pillow.
8. Does he know about the baby?
9. I had a nightmare about you and I wanted to make sure you were okay.
10. All I wanted was the truth.
11. Why are you pushing me away?
12. didn’t realize I needed your permission.
13. I can’t believe you talked me into this.
14. Nobody can trust me to do anything important!
15. I fall for the worst ones.
16. You make me feel like I’m not good enough.
17. Come over here and make me.
18. Stop thinking about him/her/them.
19. You’re beautiful/handsome, and I’m not the only one that thinks that.
20. I need your forgiveness.
21. If you don’t rest, you won’t heal.
22. You’re the only one I can trust.
23. Kiss me.
24. I love you.
25. I told you not to fall in love with me.
26. I forgive a lot, but I never forget what’s said and done.
27. Please shut up. I can’t stand how appealing your voice is.
28. Shut up. Just shut up.
29. Again?
30. I’ve been in love with you my entire life.
31. I’m tired of being your secret.
32. You know,it’s okay to cry.
33. I think we should have another.
34. Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?
35. Go on,tell me. Tell me you don’t love me.
36. You can’t leave me in the dark. You have to tell me these things.
37. Twins? We’re…we’re having twins?!
38. If he’s going to treat you like shit I’m going to kick his ass.
39. I just want to be alone right now.
40. Those things you said yesterday did you mean them?
41. You haven’t even touched. you food. 42. What’s going on?
43. If you don’t want to talk about what happened, then say so. Don’t lie and say it’s fine.
44. Sometimes, there is nothing better than some good old-fashioned, no string attached fucking.
45. Stay in bed.
46. Stop laughing at me.
47. Just say that it is okay. I just need to hear you say it.
48. I love you and I am terrified.
49. Why does it hurt so much?
50. I can’t promise you that…
51. Promise me you will come back…I need you to promise me.
52. I missed you.
53. Do you trust me?
54. Don’t look at me like that.
55. You’re the most amazing, incredible, beautiful being I’ve ever met.
56. I’ll find her and bring her home, I promise.
57. You embarrassed me this evening.
58. I couldn’t do it…one look in their eyes and I knew I couldn’t kill them. For that I am sorry.
59. Did you enjoy yourself last night?
60. I am not losing you again.
61. Why don’t they just kiss already?
62. You know, it hurt when I realized that you’re not in love with me. But nothing can compare to the pain I felt when I saw you fall in love with her.
63. I am different now.
64. You left without saying goodbye…I hate you for that.
65. I loved you and then you were gone…and I knew I lost you.
66. None of that matters now.
67. Please say something.
68. I shouldn’t have come.
69. It was a mistake coming here.
70. You hate me and I do not know why!!
71. Take your fill.
72. Is that a challenge?
73. What the hell was that?!
74. Mind if I cut in?
75. Did I stutter?
76. Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?
77. Why are you covered in mud?
78. I can’t…I can’t lose you.
79. You’ll be the death of me.
80. Come back to bed.
81. You are so tiny compared to me.
82. Can I kiss you?
83. Bring your pretty little butt over here.
84. Why are you dressed like that?
85. You deserve so much better.
86. You have the most amazing eyes.
87. You know, it’s okay to cry.
88. That’s distracting.
89. That isn’t appropriate.
90. Is it possible to love too much?
91. Promise me you’ll look after your father.
92. How long has it been?
93. This relationship used to be all about communication! What ever happened to that?
94. If you walk out that door, you’re no longer one of us. You’ll be one of them and that means I’ll treat you like one of them.
95. I left everything for this, I left it all…for you!
96. Look at me—just breathe, okay?
97. I’m sick of being USELESS!
98. I almost lost you.
99. I wish I could hate you.
100. Tell me a secret.
101. No one needs to know.
102. I don’t want to have a baby!
103. Did you enjoy yourself last night?
104. Are you kidding me? We are not fine!
105. You’ve only heard his side of the story. You never asked for mine.
106. Well, this is where I live.
107. You make me feel like I’m not good enough.
108. For some reason I’m attracted to you.
109. I think I picked up your coffee by mistake.
110. All I wanted was you honesty.
111. Why do you keep pushing me away?
112. I can’t explain it right now, but I need you to trust me.
113. I’ve never felt this way before…and it scares out of me.
114. Don’t fucking touch me!
115. Are you really taking his side against me?
116. Wait a second are you jealous?
117. I wish I could hate you.
118. I’m sorry if this upsets you, but I’m going to marry him/her.
119. This is by far the stupidest plan you’ve ever had. Of coarse I’m in.
120. You’re the only one I can trust to do this.
121. I thought you were dead.
122. This isn’t about you. It’s about what’s best for all of us.
123. I love you, you asshole.
124. You did this for me?
125. You can’t protect me.
126. You know I wouldn’t do this if I had any other choice.
127. Promise me you’ll look after your mom.
128. I’m so stupid to make mistake of falling in love with my best friend.
129. Stop talking about the past, I could be dead in a matter of hours…make me up a future.
130. The way you flirt is just shameful.
131. I waited and waited, but you never came back.
132. You never told me you had a fucking twin.
133. I want to go back to before…
134. I just wanted and easy day with me girlfriend/boyfriend. What’s so wrong with that?
135. Go then, leave! See if I care!
136. Why are you up so early?
137. Please,take me instead!
138. You braided his hair?
139. She’s been missing since Friday and you’re not worried.
140. Have you lost you damn mind?!
141. Please. don’t argue. You have to leave right now, you aren’t safe here.
142. I’m your daughter.
143. I’m not surprised that you murdered him.
144. Is there a special reason, as to why you’re wearing my shirt?
145. Am I supposed to be scared of you?
146. Don’t use me as an example. I wasn’t a good kid.
147. I can’t say I see how I’m supposed to love you more than I already do.
148. I know you’ve given me a million second chances and I’ll never take you for granted.
149. Everything that doesn’t make sense about me, makes sense when I’m with you.
150. You need to tell me what you need me to be.
151. I always want to come home to you.
152. Even after all this time, I’m still a fool for you.
153. Cause words don’t make what I make with you.
154. I love you…just not in that way.
155. You are my first choice.
156. Will you still love me in the morning?
157. You were the worst thing that happened to me.
158. I finally have the strength to leave, and I am.
159. I just feel like you don’t love me anymore.
160. I can’t go on this way.
161. Who is it? Who are you seeing behind my back?
162. I love you too much to watch you leave me slowly.
163. Don’t you dare die on me.
164. The car crash took your life but the funeral took mine.
165. I miss you and I miss her.
166. Things just aren’t the same.
167. I’m glad I’m leaving.
168. You never saw my bags be packed, but you sure saw them in the living room before I left.
169. I can’t breathe in your arms anymore.
170. Our love isn’t love anymore.
171. It’s hard to resist a bad boy who’s a good man.
172. If you’re looking for the full deal, the till-death deal, then look at me. No one’s ever going to love you, stick by you, understand how you work the way I do.
173. The wounded recognized the wounded.
174. What I wanted. I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there’s no one else you could ever be with, and that you’d rather be alone than without me.
175. I am not pushing you away I’m holding on for dear life but I need you to need me back.
176. Why won’t you ever just let me all the way in?
177. You’re the moon of my life, that’s all I need to know and if this is a dream I will kill the man that tries to wake me.
178. I don’t want to get over her, I want to be with her.
179. Oh I’m sorry did my back hurt your knife?
180. Sometimes I think that we waste our words and we waste our moments. And we don’t take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.
181. I’m afraid this conversation is going to end in goodbye.
182. Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.
183. I love you. I am in love with you. I have tried to kill it to runaway from it but I can’t and I don’t want to anymore.
184. Don’t act like I didn’t fight for you. I did.Hard. And for a long time. So forgive me if now that we’re over I’m exhausted.
185. Maybe I’m just supposed to let you go now, but I can’t. Because I can’t lose everything I have all at once.
186. I waited. I was here. Where were you?
187. I’m not leaving here without you.
188. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.
189. Don’t you give up on me now; we’ve come to far and I love you way too much to lose you now.
190. Someone told me once that to create true art you must be willing to bleed and let others watch.
191. I promised myself that if you came home I wouldn’t be afraid to tell you how I felt. But I’m still afraid. Because I can’t make you love me back.
192. I want your body. I want your mouth. I want your laugh and your funny faces. I want your friendship and your inspirational thoughts. And I want you to come with me when I go.
193. I have waited so long for you to want me. If you don’t hold me tight I won’t believe you mean it, and that’s worse than never being held at all.
194. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.
195. Please don’t leave me. Everyone always leaves.
196. Here, let me see.
197. Don’t look down.
198. I’m sorry I yelled at you…
199. Will you just hold still?
200. This isn’t just about you…
201. What’s behind your back.
202. When you’re happy, I’m happy.
203. I wish this moment could last forever…
204. There’s a leaf in your hair.
205. I think I twisted my ankle…
206. Why are you giving me such a hard time about this?
207. Look into my eyes what do you see?
208. Of course you’d believe that.
209. Your hands are so much larger than mine.
210. Shh, they’ll hear us.
211. It doesn’t look like you’ll need stitches.
212. Remember when you used to care?
213. Why didn’t you text me back?
214. Will you just tell me the truth?
215. You’re too damn cute.
216. Why are you laughing?
217. That stuff can’t be good for you.
218. This will only take a second…
219. Don’t look at me like that!
220. This tastes bitter.
221. Your think you could do better?
222. Isn’t this a gorgeous view?
223. You’ve been so selfish lately!
224. Anything but that!
225. Why did you think that was a good idea?
226. Stop it, you’re embarrassing me.
227. You’re eyes are red…were you crying?
228. We’re running low on time here.
229. You’ve got something on your cheek.
230. If I could just get you to understand…
231. Don’t move,it’ll be okay.
232. Hey, don’t raise your voice at me!
233. Let’s take a deep breath.
234. Come on, it wasn’t that bad.
235. You call that music?
236. Damn auto-correct!
237. You can’t have it both ways.
238. I’ve made a huge mistake.
239. Don’t worry about it, everyone screws up.
240. You can’t do that!
241. If you love it so much, then why don’t you marry it?
242. We go on three…
243. I’m not bothering you am I?
244. I didn’t know you could do that.
245. I forgot you used to like this stuff.
246. It wouldn’t be the first time you broke a promise.
247. You know how I feel about birthdays.
248. You can’t ask me to do that.
249. Oh, you scared me!
250. You’re jealous, aren’t you.
251. You really…that’s not exactly meant to be eaten.
252. This is my favorite song!
253. You’re so drunk.
254. It doesn’t matter, I’m not leaving you.
255. It’s just that…well my favorite character just died,
256. Don’t be stupid.
257. Of coarse I love you.
258. Don’t you ever do that again!
259. Have you ever thought 260. about…like…us?
260. If we die, I’m going to kill you.
261. I can’t believe you’d do something like this!
262. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.
263. You’re my favorite muse.
264. Don’t worry about it, I got it.
265. I promise, it’s just this once.
266. You owe me.
267. What, you’re scared I’ll kick you ass again?
268. Is that my shirt?
269. Wanna go for a drive?
270. You’ve got to be kidding me!
271. Fancy meeting you here.
272. You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into, do you?
273. Well this is awkward.
274. Give it back!
275. Do you think you could just please go one day without pissing me off?
276. Why are you crying?
277. Just this once, okay?
278. You’re really soft.
279. Is it possible to love too much?
280. I’ll always be there to protect you.
281. The stars look especially lovely tonight.
282. May I have this dance?
283. I can’t stop thinking about you.
284. All I want is you.
285. You look incredible in that.
286. Sometimes I just can’t control myself around you.
287. Do you believe in love at first sight?
288. I think I’m in love.
289. I’d like if you stayed.
290. I have never felt this way about anyone.
291. Can I kiss you?
292. I waxed the floors, grab your fluffy sox.
293. My parents are coming over in ten minutes so please put your clothes on.
294. I’m really drunk, please help me.
295. This is probably a bad time, but marry me?
296. We’ve become the clingy newlyweds you always complained about.
297. I think you might be pregnant.
298. Shh…I’m sleeping.
299. Why wasn’t I invited to your wedding?

Aşk/Love

I honour of Valentine’s Day coming up here’s a list of words and phrases related to love and romance.

Pet Names

  • Aşkım - My love
  • Canım - My life (can be used by friends and family as well)
  • Bi(r ) tanem - My only one
  • Hayatım - My life
  • Sevgilim - My darling
  • Balım - My honey
  • Yarim - My love (Similar to aşkım, but meaning a destined written in the stars kind of love)
  • Sultanım - My sultan  
  • Tatlım - My sweety (generally used for girls)
  • Güzelim - My beautiful (used for girls)
  • Çiçeğim - My flower (used for girls)
  • Gülüm - My rose (used for girls)
  • Meleğim - My angel (used for girls)

General Love Related Words

  • Sevgililer günü - Lovers’ Day (Valentine’s Day)
  • Evlenme teklifi - Marriage proposal
  • Nişanlı - Fiance 
  • Rüyalarımın erkeğisin/kadınısın - Man/Woman of my dreams 
  • İlk göz ağrım - First pain of my eye (can be used with first love or first child/grandchild)
  • Ciğerimin köşesi - Corner of my liver (term of endearment used with loved ones to relay they are precious)
  • Buluşma/Randevu -  Date
  • Nikah - Islamic marriage
  • Düğün -  Wedding
  • Sevgili - Boyfriend/Girlfriend
  • Manita - Girlfriend (slang, used for casual short-term relationships, can be offensive)
  • Öpmek -  To kiss
  • Öpücük - Kiss
  • Buse - Peck  
  • Sarılmak - To hug
  • Sarılma - Hug 
  • Kara sevda - Black love (meaning blind love or intense love)
  • Mecnun -  Insane/Obsessed/Possessed (meaning madly in love, reference to the character Majnun in the 11th century Arabian tale of Leyla and Majnun. Qays falls in love with Layla as a child but once they are grown he is forbidden from marrying her. Qays becomes obsessed with Layla hence gaining the nickname Majnun meaning possessed. If you call a man Mecnun it means he is head over heels in love with a girl and obsessed over her.)
  • Meftun - Strongly infatuated (poetic word, rarely used in regular speech)
  • Ruh eşi - Soulmate
  • Koca - Husband
  • Karı - Wife
  • Eş - Spouse 
  • Sevmek -  To love (to have deep affection for, not romantic in all cases)
  • Aşık olmak - To fall in love
  • Aşk/Sevda -  Love (romantic)
  • Sevgi - Love/Affection (usually used in the platonic sense) 
  • Gençlik/Çocukluk aşkı - Young/Childhood/Puppy love 

Questions

  • Benimle çıkar mısın? - Would you like to go out with me? 
  • Sevgililer gününü benimle geçirir misin? - Will you be my Valentine?
  • Benimle dans eder misin? - Would you like to dance with me?
  • Benimle evlenir misin? - Will you marry me?
  • Biraz daha kalabilir misin? - Can you stay a little longer?
  • Seni bir daha ne zaman göreceğim? - When will I see you next?
  • Sensiz ne yapardım? - What would I do without you?

Romantic Phrases

(Some of these phrases aren’t common, but when I saw them on the internet I thought they were cute and worth sharing.)

  • Seni seviyorum. - I love you.
  • Senden çok hoşlanıyorum. - I like you very much.
  • Seninle olmak istiyorum. - I want to be with you.
  • Seninle kalmak istiyorum. - I want to stay with you.
  • Seni çok özlüyorum. - I am missing you very much.
  • Seni görmek istiyorum. - I want to see you.
  • Çok güzelsin. - You are very beautiful.
  • Çok  yakışıklısın. - You are very handsome.
  • Sen benim herşeyimsin. - You are my everything.
  • Sen benim ilk ve son aşkımsın. - You are my first and last love.
  • Seni bütün kalbimle seviyorum. - I love you with all my heart. 
  • Seni her zaman düşünüyorum. - I think about you all the time.
  • Seni kelimelerin söylediğinden daha çok seviyorum. - I love you more than words can say. 
  • Sensiz hayatımın tadı olmaz. - Without you my life has no flavor/ sweetness/ pleasure.
  • Ellerini hiç bırakmazdım. - I’d never let go of your hands.
  • Tek ihtiyacım senin sevgin. -  All I need is your love.
  • Sensiz yaşayamam./Sensiz yapamam. -  I can’t live/do without you.
  • Sana aşık oldum. -  I fell in love with you.
  • Sana ihtiyacım var. -  I need you.
  • Seni her zaman seveceğim. -  I will always love you.
  • Aşkım gün geçtikçe büyüyor. -  My love gets stronger day by day.
  • Aşkımız ömür boyu sürecek. - Our love will last forever.
  • Hayat seninle harika.  -  Life is wonderful with you.
  • Uzak olmamıza rağmen hep kalbimdesin. - Even though we’re far away from each other, you’re always in my heart. 
  • İlk tanıştığımız gün benim kalbimi çaldın. - You stole my heart the first day we met. 
  • Seni gördüğüm an aşık oldum./ Seni görür görmez aşık oldum. - I fell in love the second I saw you 
  • Sen benim için çok şey ifade ediyorsun. - You mean so much to me. 
  • Sana olan aşkımı taşıyabilmek için yüz kalp yetmezdi. A hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for you. 
  • Sen benim güneşimsin, aşkım. You are my sunshine, my love. 
  • Biz birlikte olmak için yaratılmışız. We were meant to be together. 
A Summary of Les Mis Songs
  • Look Down: *rhythmic and dramatic grunting*
  • At The End Of The Day: everyday is a shit day
  • I Dreamed A Dream: life goals
  • Lovely Ladies: the immediate shielding song (but so catchy)
  • Who Am I: i must question who i am. i am a number.
  • The Confrontation: surprise bitch. bet you thought you saw the last of me.
  • Castle On A Cloud: dream house
  • Master Of The House: LET'S GET TURNT
  • Stars: i must get the bread man
  • Red/Black: pretty boys who sing about justice
  • Do You Hear The People Sing: WE'RE GONNA WRECK SHIT. FOR THE PEOPLE.
  • In My Life: cosette, you're such a lonely child
  • A Heart Full Of Love: hi girl behind fence i like you
  • One Day More: SHIT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW!
  • On My Own: notice me senpai
  • A Little Fall Of Rain: i like you marius. *dies*
  • Bring Him Home: i need to make cosette happy this boy seems to do it
  • Empty Chairs at Empty Tables: where are my friends. oh they're dead.
  • Epilogue: *intense crying*
They were all around me when the sun was shining. When it got dark I saw who really was with me. I laugh with many, but I don’t trust any. I am heartless because I cared too much. It’s true that time heals all wounds, but we have to forgive and forget first. I’m brave because I apologize first, strong because I forgive first and happy because I forget first. I learned that I never healed by wounding others. I mean it’s better to know nothing than to half-know many things. I am a believer, so when God said “love your enemy” I obeyed and loved myself. I am a human that have sinned and I am a sinner. I believe that my worst sin is that I destroyed and betrayed myself for nothing. We all live three lives that are public, private and secret. I believe that everybody has a chapter they don’t read out loud. It is love that makes you rich. The poor man who have love is richer than the wealthiest without love. Life always demanded skills I didn’t have. I thought I wasn’t good at anything until I learned that survival is a talent. My plan is to work while they sleep, learn while they party, save while they spend and then live like they dream
—  Lifehitsharder.tumblr.com