love note

Long distance is not easy.

It is not easy to watch someone through a screen instead of your eyes tracing the curves of their face while they’re standing in front of you.

It’s not easy to have a bad day and not be able to see one of the only people that can make it better. For something exciting to happen and not be able to celebrate about it that night.

To not be able to have brunch on Sunday morning, or make dinner plans for when you get off work, or snuggle up together on the couch for one of the nights a tv show comes on that you both love.

Sometimes you miss them so much and it’s like you can’t get relief from it. Sure, you plan times to see each other but some nights are bad and you need them right now and you need to touch them or you’ll die and your heart has never felt so lonely.

Long distance is not easy but one day it will be worth it. One day you’ll live in a cute apartment together where you can wake up next to each other and fuck each other to sleep and a see you later means see you tonight when we get off and it’s time for dinner. Long distance is a choice. It’s a commitment to say, “I love you more than all of the distance between us.”

—  you will always be worth it

I have never really been the type to “fall,” for someone. But when I do fall? I fall for the ones who have a habit of going back to the things that broke them, back to the people who didn’t see their worth, they’ve always tried again with the people in their past, it’s always been their pattern.. until me. They get to me and when things don’t work out I don’t get another chance.

And I will always wonder, is it because I didn’t break them, or because I’m not worth another round?

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.
—  C.S. Lewis | Mere Christianity
Who knows if we truly met one another at the wrong time in our lives. All I know is that if things do come to an end I will forever love you even if we distance ourselves. We met not knowing you would mean the world to me and you forever will hold a place in my heart if you ever wish to be mines again. Maybe later in another time and place we will be right for one another. Or maybe you’ll fall in love all over again with someone new and I don’t want you to worry about hurting me ever. Live your life your way and love someone else if that’s truly what makes you happy. I want you to spend your life with someone you love back just as much as they love you. But most importantly before you go if you ever do decide to please show up in my path even if it’s for the last time. For those last seconds just hold me closely and let me thank you for all the moments I shared by your side. Kiss me one last time, promise me you’ll be okay without me around, cry if you have to, but smile because we met. There were billions of people and somehow we managed to cross in this one and only life. Many would say that there are billions of others I can end up with, but it will always be you and only you. My first love, first heartbreak, and I will never forget that. So maybe just maybe down a new path somewhere down the road under billions of stars we will meet again and maybe just maybe we will be right for another…
—  baefiveoneoh (Jan. 25, 2015 maybe in another road we will love again..)

I can’t wait to go on so many adventures with you.

I can’t wait for the drives on our way to new places when we we listen to good music and fit kisses in during every red light. The morning drives when our eyes are sleepy and we need caffeine and the sunrise makes us feel fresh and new. The late night drives where the darkness envelopes us and the cities light up our dashboard and our eyes and we feel like the night is infinite.

I can’t wait to go to shitty bars and sit in a corner together until we’re drunk enough to dance and then sneak off to have sex against the bathroom stall wall. And I can’t wait for staying out until sunrise, grabbing food at Waffle House and celebrating the beginning of another day together.

I can’t wait to find new places to eat with you and to never stop discovering stuff. To find places we love so much that we become regulars there. I can’t wait to explore our own hometown. I can’t wait for lazy days when we want to go see a new movie and cuddle in the back of a theater.

I can’t wait to travel to new places with you. Wandering around like tourists and ducking into little coffee shops when it gets cold or going for walks when the weather is nice. I can’t wait to go to new cities, states, countries with you by my side.

—  all I’ve been thinking about lately is experiencing life with you
Getting to know you was the most wonderful adventure…
It was like suddenly discovering the love of my life and my best friend all in one. There were moments when I was almost afraid that this couldn’t be real…. That YOU couldn’t be real… Everything about you was just too perfect and we were so compatible it just didn’t seem possible.
But I surrendered to the feeling… let it take me where I knew I was fated to go and I’m so glad that I did because it allowed me to get to know you and in getting to know you I was getting to know myself …. because YOU are other half of me.
It was discovering new things about myself I never knew and remembering things about myself I thought I’d lost like my childlike joy and ability to laugh loudly and love deeply.
Finding you brought a magic and a joy into my life unlike anything I have ever known…. and there is not a day that goes by I am not grateful that on a planet of over 7 billion people, I was lucky enough to find you.
I don’t think that time always heals everything. Sometimes it can be weeks or months sometimes even years and I’ll probably still feel something at the sound of hearing your name. I always wanted things to work out between us but yes things turned out like this for some reason I’ll never understand. No matter how far we distance I’ll never deny that I felt something deep for you, and I always end up back in the same position of thinking so much about all that was said between us. I was so in love for the first time in my life that I really believed you when you said forever existed between us. We fought like enemies at times, but how much I loved falling asleep besides you and going everywhere by your side. Never did I feel life had limits when you were with me and now that I no longer see you I’m just thankful I at least met you because life seemed so perfect all in a still moment at some point. I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel the same feeling you gave me, but it was so beautiful. I try to forget your gorgeous face, and your laugh that filled me with such joy, but to me you were so flawless and that’s rare to feel that way towards someone. Maybe you don’t see me the same way anymore or the sound of my name doesn’t hurt you any longer, but I stopped trying to run away from these feelings long ago, because you were always the stronger one. I tried running for weeks and months, but still here I am writing about us as if our story never ends…
—  baefiveoneoh (March 9, 2015 12:50 AM)
You’re probably asleep. This might wake you up (sorry in advance) but I just wanted to say that I want to do everything with you. If one day you were like “let’s go to Europe” I’d pack my bags and swim across the ocean with you so we could afford a cute hotel. If you wanted to build a fort in our living room I’d get all the supplies and blare Taylor Swift to motivate us until we made the best fucking fort. Then we’d have super rough sex inside of it and knock it down. If we’re walking down the road and you see a tattoo shop and want to get spontaneously tattooed, I’d happily pay for it and hold your hand while you got it done. And even if one day we just sit in a park, on an old ripped up blanket, watching clouds roll by, I’d be the happiest girl in the world as long as you were there besides me.
Tldr; I love you. Let’s have an adventure together.
—  Me at 2 am
I don’t feel lonely until I’m sitting at a red light and realize you’re not here to kiss me hard until it turns green
—  It’s the kind of lonely that just makes you keep asking for more
And I still question why you decided to leave when I needed you the most in my life. I wanted you to stay and tell me that we were going to make it through our challenges. You didn’t have to fight for me at all whatsoever because I wasn’t going anywhere. In fact I was so damn sure it was you all along that I was waiting for to meet. I gave you all the love I had and even still you walked right out of my life as if it was all so simple for you. You were the best damn thing to walk into my life in years and I was never prepared to watch you walk away. But you know part of life is all about losing those who mean the most to you. You meant everything to me and losing you has become something I’m learning to accept. I’m not saying I stopped loving because then that would make this entire written piece false, but I’ve accepted your disappearance. I don’t expect for you to ever return but I do expect for you to make it far in life. We may have had our differences but I hope you keep growing into a better person then the one I fell in love with. Always keep a smile on your face and whenever you think of me remember part of me will always be with you even if we become strangers again…
—  baefiveoneoh (March 21, 2015 6:56 PM)