love is not my drug

I will never love again!

I found out that I only have a limited time left with the man I love more than anything in this world. I can’t tell anyone because he’s asked me not to and worst I can’t even spend it with him because we drive each other CRAZY literally. We end up fighting and the last things we said to each other were cold, cruel, and mean. I didn’t mean any of the things I said so why do I keep saying them. It always ends the same why can’t I just shut my stupid mouth and love him like my heart does. I will miss you my love and I’m truly sorry for all the mean things I said. I hope you remember me and the fun times we shared. I know you probably won’t because the illness steals your memory and your mind but a girl can hope. Goodbye my everything I do love you I always have and I always will. I think in the next life I’ll spare you the pain of loving me so that you can be happy. So I will not see you in the next life I will forever love you and that means I will do what is best for you no matter how bad it hurts me at least you won’t suffer too. I love you always.

I will fight for my love
The late nights,
Popped knuckles,
Relief like drugs.
Deep in the earth are bones that belong to me.
It’s time to dig them up.
I will take what belongs to me and I will
Love it with all my heart, all my heart, all my heart,
No part of it will be unloved.
Watermelon mouth, joy emanating,
Broken glass alley grinding into heels and
Gouges on cheeks, hot;
I came for the bones and came away
With fistfuls of magma. I will
Dig as deep as I please. Mother nature has not
Been kind. She sleeps on guard duty.
I take what I please
And I cherish it as if I will never own another thing on this earth.
Sweat on necks, midnight locks going unslippery;
Fear caresser,
Sacrificial palms and quivering lips,
Never shaking knees.
I am the taker, I am the giver,
I am the lover—
I hold lava in my hands, and I refuse to melt.
—  MAGMA MOUTH by Abbie Batty

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.