love is not my drug

I will never love again!

I found out that I only have a limited time left with the man I love more than anything in this world. I can’t tell anyone because he’s asked me not to and worst I can’t even spend it with him because we drive each other CRAZY literally. We end up fighting and the last things we said to each other were cold, cruel, and mean. I didn’t mean any of the things I said so why do I keep saying them. It always ends the same why can’t I just shut my stupid mouth and love him like my heart does. I will miss you my love and I’m truly sorry for all the mean things I said. I hope you remember me and the fun times we shared. I know you probably won’t because the illness steals your memory and your mind but a girl can hope. Goodbye my everything I do love you I always have and I always will. I think in the next life I’ll spare you the pain of loving me so that you can be happy. So I will not see you in the next life I will forever love you and that means I will do what is best for you no matter how bad it hurts me at least you won’t suffer too. I love you always.

I will fight for my love
The late nights,
Popped knuckles,
Relief like drugs.
Deep in the earth are bones that belong to me.
It’s time to dig them up.
I will take what belongs to me and I will
Love it with all my heart, all my heart, all my heart,
No part of it will be unloved.
Scar-kisser,
Watermelon mouth, joy emanating,
Growing,
Broken glass alley grinding into heels and
Gouges on cheeks, hot;
I came for the bones and came away
With fistfuls of magma. I will
Dig as deep as I please. Mother nature has not
Been kind. She sleeps on guard duty.
I take what I please
And I cherish it as if I will never own another thing on this earth.
Sweat on necks, midnight locks going unslippery;
Fear caresser,
Sacrificial palms and quivering lips,
Never shaking knees.
I am the taker, I am the giver,
I am the lover—
I hold lava in my hands, and I refuse to melt.
—  MAGMA MOUTH by Abbie Batty

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.