love and other natural disasters

5

So… this was my baby.
My Lil’ Doodler.

I’ve been paying on her for a year. I was 4 days short of my two year driving anniversary with no accidents when I was T-Boned yesterday. I was spun around and managed to turn the car so I didn’t smash dead into a concrete pillar, but I still caught it on the driver corner of the front end. I got the car completely out of the street and on the sidewalk before it died, and the driver door was pinned closed by the pillar.

The passenger door was stuck closed— could’t roll the window down, couldn’t open it by the latch form the inside or outside. I ended up having to kick it open to get out. None of my airbags went off.

This is the last in a long line of Really-Bad-Things that have been happening with me for the past 3-4 months. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do.

One thing I do know though— everyone has been so supportive of me.

@dracoskullart has been an absolute emotional rock for me– he has been checking in on me every day, and I think alerted people that something was going on in an attempt to cheer me up, and a couple of you even responded.

@fantau has been wonderful at giving me things to smile about, and keeping me distracted at night, when things seem darkest.

@mr-hawkmoth has been a ready shoulder for me to cry on, and is even doing her best to try and help me out, even though she herself is going through hard times.

All my fellow Kindness Kwami ( @amynchan, @marinette-buginette, @lahiffed, @tearoffire, etc) have been so supportive of me, and I honestly am so grateful to have them on my side.

So many of you, @ashfreesky and @krzed, @chortling-dingo and @blue-gold-demigod-clouds and @whatthehellsarah have sent me love, and even though I have been so poor at receiving and accepting it at times, I want you to know I appreciate it, and adore you all the more for it.

I may have no clue how I’m going to get through this latest disaster, and I may be in the clutches of despair but…. I treasure each and everyone of you who has offered me a gentle word and caring message during this hard time.

It justifies my faith in people, and I will continue to strive to be worthy of it.

I’ve found myself choking down bullets and sleeping pills more often than aspirin
and I’ve been picking shards of my broken heart out of my ribs and I’ve been using them to slit my wrists open so I can bleed out onto my favorite dress because you said I always looked good in red
But love wasn’t supposed to mean seeing my mother cry
It wasn’t supposed to mean waking up at 4 am to puke my guts out
Love wasn’t supposed to leave fucking scars
—  Love and other Natural Disasters
I don’t know how to say this any other way;
You fell in love with a natural disaster.
You fell in love with the reason that storms are named after people.
I have destroyed everything that has crossed my path and left nothing but wreckage and questions behind. I have washed away every god damn house that any man has built within my ribcage, but I still have shards of each and every one of them, and they tend to surface every time the skies turn grey.
They crumbled so easily, and allowed my waves to wash them away without any resistance. I suppose their foundation was not strong. How could it be? With eyes only for the skin stretched over my bones, and the idea that I could keep them safe from the storm, they were blinded by the reflection of the sun.
I am not a lifeboat, or shallow water to bask in. I am the storm that they seek protection from. I am nothing more than metaphors and bones, wrapped in skin that has been tainted by the touch of unloving hands.
But you,
you are the moon
and the sun
and the sand beneath my chaos.
You pull me closer when I push myself away.
you are so fucking radiant.
you have not once collapsed beneath the weight of my self destruction.
And although my waves continue to crash over you,
then turn to kiss you right after,
you do not falter or fray.
you simply hold me
and remind me that we were made to coexist
and allow yourself to be engulfed by everything that I am
and for that,
I will never tire of collapsing in to you.
—  Olivia Joelle
I don’t believe in love, I believe in thunderstorms
I believe in lightning scars where we touch, thundering heartbeats shaking the floor
I believe in clothes soaked in feeling, streets running with desire, the smell of not-quite-love-but-something-close in the air
I believe in tears flooding basements, whirlwinds knocking down trees and power lines
I don’t believe in us, I believe in disaster
—  Love and Other Natural Disasters