loud inside my head

potential angst starters
  • “please don’t forget”
  • “you know you should have stayed”
  • “you’re cold on the inside”
  • “there’s a dog in your heart and it tells you to tear everything apart”
  • “you ruin everything you touch and destroy anyone you love”
  • “i know that you can’t hear me anymore”
  • “it’s so loud inside my head”
  • “i haven’t been all that you could have hoped for”
  • “if you held on a little longer, you would have more reasons to be proud”
  • “i talk to the shadows hoping you might be listening”
  • “how can i say this without breaking?”
  • “i loved and i lost you”
  • “i don’t want them to know the way i loved you”
  • “i don’t think they would accept me”
  • “your heart fits like a key”
  • “it’s so quiet here”
  • “you said that you weren’t alone”
  • “you still owe me a reason”
  • “i act like i don’t fucking care”
  • “maybe you’re too good for me”
  • “lately colors seem so bright”
  • “i can’t admit that you’ve got all the strings and know how to tug them”
  • “losing you was something i always did so well”
  • “i don’t do anything anymore”
  • “sorry, i nearly lost my head”
  • “this feeling i dread, it makes me wish i was dead”
  • “i’ll be alone instead, i don’t need anyone in this bed”
  • “i come home on my own”
  • “i don’t care if i don’t look pretty”
  • “big girls cry when their hearts are breaking”
  • “i’m in pain”
  • “she gives me toothaches just from kissing me”
  • “i didn’t care much how long i lived”
  • “heaven and hell were words to me”
  • “i need to feel your hands upon my face”
  • “words can be like knives. they can cut you open”
  • “i think i might have inhaled you”
  • “i can feel you flowing in me”
  • “i miss you more than i thought i would”
  • “i never meant to start a fire. i never meant to make you bleed”
  • “i’ll love the world like i should”
  • “the blood on my hands scares me to death”
  • “you took a chance and you took a fall for us”
  • “my love, look what you can do”
  • “i know in peace you’ll go. i hope relief is yours”
  • “was i selfish again? well, i can’t help that”
  • “i pour my heart out on the ice and everyone’s watching but you”
  • “i can’t see you, you can’t see me”
  • “everybody’s watching but you, and i don’t think i want them to”
  • “there’s a bitter storm inside of me”
  • “i do it all for you”
  • “it’s all gone to shit, it’s out of our hands”
  • “if you’re searching for us, you’ll find us side by side”
  • “as long as we’re going down, baby you should stick around”
  • “does any of this love exist or is this just a fire keeping out the cold?”
  • “memories never lie”
  • “tell me that i’m right”
  • “your tired, unfamiliar face says it all”
  • “even though we all grow old, love will never die”
  • “that was long ago”
  • “i used to call you my own, my dear”
  • “now you’re lost and i am drunk alone”
  • “when you said your last goodbye, i died a little bit inside”
  • “if you loved me, why’d you leave me?”
  • “our love was made for movie screens”
  • “i tried to be someone else for you”
  • “i thought that i loved you, but we weren’t love”
  • “there was something that was not there”
  • “i can sleep forever these days”
  • “i believe in anything that brings you back home to me”
  • “there is no distraction to mask what is real”
  • “now you’ll be missing from the photographs”
  • “in my thoughts, you’re far away”
  • “i can picture you so easily”
  • “what’s gonna be left the world if you’re not in it?”
  • “every minute of every hour, i miss you more”
  • “it’s such a shame we have to see them burn”
  • “i’ve lost control of all of my senses”
  • “put me in my place”
  • “i can’t help but think of you”
  • “it’s always been just you and me”
  • “and i’ll hold in these hands all that remains”
  • “i don’t want to rest in peace, i’d rather be the ghost that annoys you”
  • “hold me in your arms”
  • “don’t listen to your friends, they only care once in a while”
  • “it’s pulling me back”
  • “when you go home, everything looks different”
  • “i wish you would tell me how you really feel”
  • “when you leave me, you take away everything”
  • “that’s not our deal”
  • “i want you so much”
  • “i want to go back to the first time, the first place”
  • “my heart is open like a door, but i don’t trust you like before”
  • “you came and took me by surprise”
  • “maybe one day you’ll be the one, but until then…”
  • “now i’m fucked up and i’m missing you”
  • “please just look me in my face and tell me everything’s okay”
  • “i’ll never be like you”
  • “absolve me of my sins, won’t you?”
  • “it hurts me everytime i see you”
  • “i hate that i love you”
  • “you want her, you need her, and i’ll never be her”
  • “do you miss me like i miss you?”
  • “wedding bells were just alarms”
  • “you said you wouldn’t but you fucking did”
  • “i guess this is moving on”
  • “you don’t care, you never did”
  • “you don’t give a damn about me”
  • “you’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope”
  • “if you’re looking for love, know that love don’t live here anymore”
  • “i don’t want to see you go, i just want to see you smile”
  • “tell me that now is not the end”
  • “if you’re trying to find pity, then you need to look somewhere else”
  • “i’m a first class let down”
  • “how did it come to this?”
  • “love is a polaroid- better in picture but never can fill the void”
  • “if it’s broken then it can be fixed”
  • “all you need is time”
  • “we promised the world we’d tame it”
  • “i wonder what keeps us so high up”
  • “could there be a love beneath these wings?”

14 Angsty Sentence Starters
  1. “When it concerns you, I care more than I probably should.”
  2. “This is what I do when I can’t take my mind off of you.”
  3. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I…thought I had more time.”
  4. “Do you have to go?”
  5. “Without you, this is just four walls and a roof. You’re what makes it a home.”
  6. “I haven’t been able to sleep since you left. The noise inside my head is too loud.”
  7. “Just hold my hand and remember the good times we had.”
  8. “Not even a goodbye kiss?”
  9. “I’ve hated you for as long as I can remember. Because you’ve made me feel things I never wanted to feel.”
  10. “Being with you just makes me realize how lonely I am.”
  11. “You completed me. Made me whole. And then you took that away from me. Why?”
  12. “I feel like I can’t breathe when you’re not by my side.”
  13. “I don’t want to remember because if I do, I’ll have to grieve all over again.”
  14. “How can you move on so easily while I feel like I’ve been sentenced to purgatory?”
It’s so loud inside my head again and I can’t make it stop.

September 28, 2015 | 11:26 am

I relapsed, just now. I cut my wrist once, it’s been a long time since I last cut. I cut today just because I was bored. Shallow right? I was doing good so far. But it felt good. What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s so loud inside my head again and I can’t make it stop. I’m so disappointed with myself. I’m such a failure.


(Requested by thelittlewolfpup) (Admin Ziggy note: Thank you for requesting this omfg I had way too much fun writing it.)

The impala rumbled to a stop right outside ‘The Lodge.’ You grimaced at the worn looking building, the crackling ‘OPEN’ light in the window giving you a hint of how many years it had been since it was first hung.

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How is it possible for someone to be so supportive and so damaging all at once?
I used to sleep at your house when it was too loud inside my own head for me to sleep at my own
Now I wake in a cold sweat in a college dorm room and the ghost of you drips, saline, from my skin.
You were the poison and the antidote and I guzzled them both down
as eager to kill myself as I was to get better.
I remember the way your words poured acid over anyone who dared to express their humanity through art.
I remember being confused at how you could write me the most beautiful poems,
but laughed at the song lyrics I loved because they made me think of you.
“So edgy.” “So brooding.”
Woe unto those who relied on vague lyrics to get them to sleep at night!
Death to the poets who wrote anything at all before they had fully mastered the craft!
It took months of you being gone from my life for me to enjoy myself without feeling stupid
Still even now all it takes is the slightest word from anyone, the smallest change in tone,
And doubt is all I know.
A mere taste of the self-professed insanity I used to mainline
Have you ever told someone your version of events,
what you were sure was the truth,
only to have them say you were crazy?
For the rest of your life you are never entirely sure of anything.
Your autobiography is reduced to a disjointed series of maybes.
I used to wish like hell that there was a pill I could take that would reattach me to reality,
some chemical way to ensure the accuracy of my memory.
I have no idea what happened anymore.
Sometimes I’m not sure I even know what’s happening now.
And the worst of it is I can hear your voice even as I write this poem.
“It’s good,” you’d say, “but a bit too angsty.”

Things I admit I need Inside my head:

1. Sectioned plates.
2. Trainer cups.
3. Blanket laid out on the floor to sit on and color.
4. Onesies.
5. Binkies.
6. Pink flowery sheets.
7. A shiny crown
8. Glitter
9. Cutsie pet names
10. Bathes
11. Crayons
12. Stickers to stick on myself and other people.
13. Dresses

The things I will admit that I need out loud:

1. None! -.-

black & yellow

author’s note: no joke this has been sitting in the bottom of my drafts for five months. five months!!! it’s not requested, just something short i came up with. i also tried something new and wrote it in first person POV, so I hope you like it :-)

“I’m Erik.”

I look up and meet his blue-eyed gaze and for a moment, I’m caught so off guard that I almost forget I’m shaking hands with a footballer, and then I wonder if he even genuinely needs to introduce himself anymore, but then I decide I’m glad he still takes the time to introduce himself because it’s charming.

“I’m Y/N.”

“Are you a trainer?” He asks.

“Yes,” I laugh, motioning to the bag of training supplies in my hand.

He cocks his head to the side and studies my face so intently I start to feel a blush creep onto my cheeks. “Are you new here?”

“Yeah, I just started working here this week.”

“Good, so I’ll be seeing more of you.”

I feel the blush on my cheeks flare up again. He asks if I’ll help him stretch out after the game, and I say yes again, and then he smiles so entrancingly that if I focus on it for too long it might possibly sweep me off my feet – but then he leaves to warm up on the pitch.

He’s taller in person. And more handsome. And his eyes an even brighter shade of blue, if that’s possible. He has an effortless charisma that somehow makes him the center of attention without even trying. Even when he’s on the field, in the midst of plenty of other players, my eyes naturally gravitate to him without realizing it. I just want to admire him, because he is very admirable.

But I just can’t say the same about that jersey.

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forbidden love chapter six {demi lovato fanfiction}

“what did you get?” jace ask as we both make our way back to the table where demi sits poking at her ice cream. i take the seat next to hers. “strawberry.” i inform him watching as he tries to get comfortable on the metal chair. they both make a face disapproving my choice in dessert favor. “whats wrong with strawberry?!” i say a little too defensive. “the strawberries are always way too frozen.” demi smiles watching me nearly bend my spoon in the frozen fruit. jace joins in saying,” you could chip a tooth.”  demi just stares at him realizing they agree on something for the first time in weeks. jace looks at demi to agree but she ignores him. “i still love it despite its critics.” i reply taking a spoonful into my mouth looking at both of them, trying to bite into the very frozen piece.

“what time did they say to be home?” i ask while checking the time on my phone. “7.” she sighs. i glance down to “5:45″ shining back at me. both pair of parents are preparing dinner for tonight, they all thought it would be a amazing idea to have the three of us go out for “bonding time” with each other. i imagine the four of them sitting in the living room with wine glasses talking about the most boring of topics laughing at the fact this “bonding time” is just an excuse for the adults to have adult time. jace had the idea of ice cream since demi suggested digging our graves rather then spending time with him. “what now?” demi says swirling her plastic spoon into the melted colored ice cream. “arcade?” jace suggests. “ill go get the shovel now.” demi shoots back. jace laughs but we both know shes slightly serious. “the arcade sounds fine.” i reply picking up my cup along with demis. “if were twelve.” demi mutters. i push my hips against her reaching for jaces cup. i feel demis hand on my ass as i reach forward. i can only imagine what shes thinking.

the arcade has way too many people if anyone else enters the walls might burst. “oh look!!.” demi shouts over the loud music. i give her a confused look. “a twelve year old!” she sarcastically says. “oh look another one and another!!” demi says pointing to random people not paying attention to age at this point. “we get it!” i shout loudly pushing her hand down. jace stops at a shooting game jamming four coins into the slit not giving attention to either of us. demi spots something near the back, she guides me towards it. “look.” she says softly. “if you say another twelve yea-” “no.” she smiles interrupting me. our hands lock together as we enter the small photo booth. “this isnt going to work.” i say looking at the small seat meant for a child. “sit on mamas lap.” demi jokes pulling me on top of her. my ass is directly on her crotch. “mama likes.” she whispers pulling my dress up my legs. “demi.” i whisper pulling the hideous red curtain across giving us some privacy. “i only have enough for one strip.” demi tells me pulling out the right amount leaning forward pushing the coins in the slot. “lets make it count.” she smiles. the countdown begins the first photo is us looking at each other our eyes full of lust our faces only inches apart. she leans forward pushing her warm lips on mine, i cup her face wanting more. with the second snap of the camera i quickly pull one leg over her lap straddling her, my arms wrap around her neck her hands travel to my waist dragging me forward. third snap goes off. my arms lift to the roof of the small booth. demi pulls down my dress exposing my breasts. she licks my nipples, wrapping her lips around my breasts. i let go of a loud moan feeling her teeth bite down. the fourth and final snap goes off. the machine sings robotic noises printing our filthy pictures. “we both know which pair i want.” demi laughs pulling up my dress. when we make our way out i grab the strip tearing right down the middle. i purposely give her the first two. “nice try.” she smiles snatching the other half from my hand. 

by 7 we are back at jaces house gathering around the dinner table as nina rushes to get the forks. “so sorry for the mess.” nina apologizes passing her husband reaching to the drawer. the only “messy” thing i see is the pile of dish towels near the sink.  “nonsense.” my mom smiles taking a seat next to eric. “please take those dear.” nina tells jace pointing towards the napkins. he places them in the middle of the table then takes the seat in front of me. 

“are you excited for school?” nina asks me while scooping a large portion of peas from the light blue bowl. just before i answer demis hand slithers into my lap. i grab her wrist holding it in place as i try my best to focus on nina. “umm yes.” i say feeling her fingertips tracing my skin. “iam sure jace will be a gentleman by showing you around willow high.” nina smiles looking to her son, jace forces a small smile while poking at his pot roast. “oh and of course you as well demi.” she goes on realizing she left her out.“ “ill be just fine but thanks.” demi shoots back in her sarcastic tone we all know well. minutes go by while eric and charlie absorb into conversation about some kind of new model airplane being released. charlie although a soft spoken man who never really speaks much was very chatty when it came to the things he was passionate about. erics tone filled with joy as they go on and on about the details in the new model that is said to be out during the winter months. “y/n jace never told me how the date went.” nina brings up suddenly creating an awkward friction between me and demi. her hand slides away from my lap slowly. i look over towards her but she doesnt return a glance. “its was really nice.” i reply clearing my throat. “where did he take you?” nina asks ignoring jace as he makes a remark telling his mother to stop. “the diner.” i say softly watching her joyful mood change. she looks towards jace, giving him a soft smile. i catch demi roll her eyes. i lay my hand on hers but she soon retracts. “you must be very special.” nina softly whispers leaning towards me. jace tries his hardest not to make eye contact with me. “please tell me there is going to be a second date.” nina laughs. “thats up to jace.” i smile making my heart hurt watching demi. “oh he will be happy to a second date…. wont you jace?” she pushes the question on him. “yeah of course.” he agrees probably wishing his mom would stop.

demi sighs loudly getting ninas attention immediately.  “is something wrong with the meal?” nina asks which makes my insides twist together nervous of what demi might say next. she shakes her head slowly. “its just the conversations.” demi sighs swirling her fork in her mash potatoes. “oh honey i know model planes can be very boring in my opinion.” nina smiles crinkling her nose at eric and charlie at the other end of the table. eric and charlie give no attention to nina as they fanboy on. “thats not the conversation i was talking about.” demi replies not looking at anyone. nina gives a quick look between me and jace before saying,” oh sweetheart. its okay to feel envious. not everyone can have the y/n looks honey some arent as blessed as others.”  “nina!” my mom shouts which makes the men stop their chattering. the looks on their faces tell me they heard ninas comment. “what?” she says innocently. “everyone understands her jealously at this. but the fact is y/n has the looks in this duo and jace likes her very much.” nina nods looking to everyone as if everyone here has the same opinion as hers. jace looks horrified at his mothers words.  “jealous.” demi nearly laughs. “i would never be jealous of this.” demi snaps standing pointing between us. “its just an act… at least i hope.” she whispers in the most softest tone ive ever heard from her. demi disappears through the kitchen and i follow her without hesitation. as i reach the door i hear my mom begin to protest defending demi. 

she is pacing the room when i enter. “who the hell does she think she is?!” demi shouts. i close the door softly locking it. “demi.” i say softly. “she actually thinks iam jealous!” she laughs stopping in front of me then going back to her pacing. “demi!” i say loudly grabbing her wrist. “i am not jealous of jace!” she goes on trying to make her point. “i didnt say you were.”  “well someone thinks i am.” demi sighs walking towards the medium size window. i stand behind her running my hands up to her chest. “you know what might make you feel better?” i ask leaning my head against her back. “naughty girl.” she whispers pulling me around her roughly pushing me against the wall. her lips crash against mine while she reaches for her desk drawer yanking it open. her hands grab my favorite toy getting rid of any clothes she begins tightening it around her waist. “take them off.” she mutters tugging on my shorts. lifting my shirt i slip my shorts off kicking them behind her. “jump.” she smiles i do as told as she slams into me.  “baby please wait!!” i scream holding onto demi so i wont slip off her. she has me pinned against the wall with my legs wrapped tightly around her waist as the massive strap on is rammed into me. “who. does. she. think. she. is!!” demi mutters each word equals one hard thrust deep inside me. i let out a loud moan throwing my head back. “and you!” she barely screams grabbing my ass. “demi baby i told you nothing is …. fuckkkk please keep going!!” i beg as she hits my favorite spot. “why should i your being a slut.” demi says pulling out an inch. “pleasee!” i beg craving my high. “no.” she spits letting her grip go. “demi!” i nag she pushes me down on my knees. “suck slut.” she demands pushing my face towards the dildo standing tall from her waist. my lips wrap around the toy i instantly taste my juices. i suck hard not like she can feel it or anything but she enjoys the view so might as well give her one. “look at you slut tasting yourself you like that dont you?” demi smiles thrusting into my mouth causing an involuntary gag. “stand up.” i do as told wiping my lower lip. she pins me against the wall again, our naked bodies smash together i feel the toy against my pussy lips never entering me. demis lips are on mine our tongues slide into each others mouth. she begins to rock her hips making the cock toy slide slowly into me then pulling out. i whimper trying to push down onto it. “no no no.” she whispers into my ear. “you have to work for it.” demi smiles sucking on my neck. she moves over to the bed motioning me to lay down. i follow her orders laying with my legs hanging off the bed a little. she pulls me down to where it is only my upper body on the lavender throw blanket. she says nothing while she lifts my legs in the air thrusting into me with an intense amount of force. i scream out grabbing onto her. she smiles watching my reaction as i take the whole toy inside me nice and slow. “mmmmm fuck demi yesss baby.” i whimper once again wrapping my legs around her wanting her closer than ever. she lays on top of me thrusting deep inside me hitting the spot she knows all too well. before i moan out her lips are on mine and we both make moaning noise together. she must feel it too with the toy inside her. both of our hands intertwine with each others as we feel our favorite feeling about to take over. “oh my god! “ demi mumbles into my mouth. thats when i feel my high hit i scream into our kiss while the juices mix together as demi still thrusts into me. i pull away heavily breathing not letting her go just yet. “demi…. iam yours.” i whisper moving her hair that has fallen in between us. “i know babe i know…. i want you all to myself i dont like sharing.” she mutters pecking my lips. i say nothing as we hear the front door open along with our parents voices. “this second date is never happening.” demi smiles. “agreed.” i laugh pulling her in for another kiss. 

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ 

hope you all like it!! tell me what you think!!  😊 thanks for reading ! && let me know if you want a chapter seven!!  😀 😀  ❤xxx

Youtuber Party part 1

Today was the YouTube party of the year. So huge that even Phil and I had to come. Literally every British Youtuber was here. On my way into the crowded place I already saw some familiar faces. I was glad that I was here with Phil, instead of being alone. In the middle of the night me and him could sit down somewhere in a corner have some snacks and talk about stuff, just like at every party. There were few people already dancing on the dance floor. Phil and I scanned the room to find some friends we could talk to. I let my head swerve but her body made me stop in the middle of my tracks. My eyes opened in shock but there she stood, she just tucked a strand if her soft hair behind her ear and laughed. Although I couldn’t hear her laugh over the loud music it rang inside my head and made my inside tingle. “Phil” I whisper-screamed. He turned to me and raised his eyebrows. “Y/n is here” I nearly shouted. Phil searched her in the crowd until he saw her too. I hadn’t noticed anything but y/n. But now I realised that she was standing next to Joe and laughed because of his joke. This is a Youtuber party so she had to be accompanying someone in order to be able to be here. “Phil” I shouted. “She is here with Joe” I was starting to panic. Phil just blankly looked at me. “Dan, she is not yours anymore. Remember you broke up with her about half a year ago.” In the corner of my eye I saw Joe wrap his arm around her waist and whisper something in her ear. “I know but I haven’t seen or talked to her since then. And now y/n is here with Joe, and he is much better than I am.” Phil shook his head in disbelieve. “Dan you are being ridiculous right now” “No, come on Joe is funny, sporty and extremely boyish. He knows how he get’s girls around. Good he is much better than me. No wonder why y/n is with him now” I was just chatting to my friend Joe when he suddenly wrapped his arm around my waist. It was nothing unusual for him to do, we were those too much body contact type of friends. “Dan is here” he whispered in my ear. My heart sank. Nervously I looked towards the entrance and indeed, he was standing there next to Phil. He was wearing his black leather jacket that I loved so much, his hair looked great and his tall figure made my stomach twist. “Shit, shit, shit” I whispered. “Joe this is the first time I see him since we aren’t together anymore.” “Okay calm down. Breath,darling. You know what ? I actually have a fun idea” I eyed him, a mischievous smirk played with his lips. “Let’s make him jealous” he whispered. I hesitated. “Come on let’s tease him a little bit. Show him he is the dumbest person in the world because he broke up with a girl as perfect as you are. We will show him what he missed out on.” “Well, okay but just as friends right ?”  "Just friends" he agreed and pressed my body closer against his. 

 Part 2 will be out on friday !

 you can find part 2 and  part 3 here : 

Part 2    Part 3  

My Tutor

Originally posted by showandwrite

Part II / Part III

Requested: Yes! By the lovely teodorsalparov!

Prompt: “ hello! i dreamed about something last night so this is gonna be very specific :D so y/n is stiles’ cousin and she moves in with the stilinski family and her mother was a fairy, so she knows all about the supernatural. she quickly becomes lydia and allison’s best friend. one day she has to bring something to allison’s house while she isn’t there and chris invites her in for coffee. and while they are talking he kisses her. what happens next is on your imagination ½

2/2 because i would really love to see how this goes, given the fact that i woke up at the exact moment of the kiss :D thank you in advance c:

Fandom: Teen Wolf 

Character: Chris Argent

Word Count: 1.674

Warnings: The reader is underage and as you know Chris is way older, so don’t read if you have a problem with that,

Type: Slight Smut

Authors Note: I got a little bit carried away, and I changed the coffee thing. 

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Apartment 5108 // 10

Apartment 5108 — ft. Oh Sehun

// Contemporary Romance
// Adult Fiction
// Sexual & Explicit Language — in later chapters

A/N: This chapter contains content for mature audiences. If you are under 18, I am not responsible for the imagery you will read. :)

// 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 //


Headaches spur off as a little prick. They’re small, tiny, and insignificant until they start to spread throughout the entire left side of my brain. What was nothing in the beginning is evolving to feel like a rhinoceros on a rampage, trying to crack through my skull to escape its cage. Headaches are similar to love. Falling in love starts off minuscule and then it grows, expanding with no control or intention of being contained. It wants to flee, breaking away from its prison to consume my entire being. I find it difficult keeping myself intact when I am so close to crumbling into broken pieces due to my feelings for this particular man. 

I don’t even realize I’ve fallen until it’s too late and there’s nothing I can do but to surrender to my futile emotions.

It’s a terrible fate to fall for Sehun.

But it doesn’t mean I’ll give up on him.

To prevent myself from completely shattering, I will work harder for what I want.

My words from the few nights ago weren’t meant to imply I will leave Sehun immediately or at all. It was meant to show him I will first help him as I’ve promised. I will aid him in overcoming his love for Jiyul–although it pains me to realize I can only help so much. I can only do so much for a person if they are unwilling to do half of the work in return. I don’t know where he stands with her. I don’t know if he is any closer to his end goal or even farther away from it.

What I do know is I’m not at her level. The affection he has for me is not at the same peak as Jiyul stands and this specific fact alone is where one of the largest cracks has formed in my heart.

I care for Sehun. I care for him more than I ever allowed myself to care for another and it brings about a fear of losing this special person. I don’t want to lose him. I want to help him but I’m afraid it will come to nothing. In the end, there is a probability he might be no better off from when he first asked me to assist him in moving on from Jiyul. 

Coming up with whatever else I can do is continually making my headache worse and perhaps if I really examine my well-being, I believe my heart is possibly going down the same destructive path.

My ailment hasn’t subsided and is transitioning into an excruciating migraine, matching a level 8 earthquake on the Richter scale. The radio in the background dimly plays as Sehun drives us to a restaurant upstate to meet his family for their annual Christmas Eve dinner. Minus the music, the car ride has been silent (which should alleviate my headache but instead it has a rather countering effect). The quietness is making my headache worse. It is unlike Sehun to not talk. He always knows what to say–he always has something to say. When he doesn’t talk, his actions speak. But lately, he has kept a distance. 

I’m accustomed to his lively and amiable attitude. I’m used to his sweet words filling my ears but after the night in front of my parent’s grave, he chose to stay away. He’s withdrawn but doesn’t completely ignore me. He replies when I ask questions. He still greets me in the morning and at night but there is a wall. There is a barrier he has put up and it is identical to the one I had installed when I first moved into the apartment. It is as if Sehun and I have switched places and this time he is the one with the inner struggle in which he can’t bring up the courage to speak about to me.

“Pick a color,” I state, despairingly attempting to ignore the pulsating throb pressing down against my skull. 

“Why?” His languid monotone voice is not missed.

Keep reading

She's Here With Us Now

*Listen to words by Skylar Grey while reading, it made me cry like a baby*

Warnings: Mentions Death (Sorry 😕)

Requested: No

It’s so loud, inside my head with words that I should’ve said. As I drown in my regrets.. I can’t take back .. the words I never said…

There were plenty of things you and Grayson argued about. Fans, him being away so much, him being possessive and jealous at times. Sometimes they got so bad that Ethan had to step in. You cried and prayed to god that things would change. Grayson was angry that the two of you couldn’t communicate with each other anymore.

You and Grayson was extremely happy at one point. Being around each other and just chilling was you guys’ favorite thing to do. Vibing with one another. Laughs and kisses. Sleepless nights where you two couldn’t keep your hands off of each other resulting in Ethan teasing you two the next morning. He admired you’re beauty. He admired the color of your eyes and that one dimple in your left cheek. He admired your flaws. He admired all of you. The little things that you didn’t like he loved. Grayson loved when you sang to him. When he was away, he would call you, asking you to sing to him until he fell asleep.

Sometimes Grayson would sit and reminisce on things he could’ve made better. He wishes he could’ve told you the things he’s never told anyone else. Ever. He wanted to tell you that he loved you. He beats himself up for not telling you sooner. Ethan couldn’t help his brother because he didn’t know how. He hated seeing Grayson so upset but he didn’t how to fix it.

You dying did nothing but make Grayson fall apart. He cried for days after your funeral. He broke glass and punched walls. He wasn’t eating. He wasn’t sleeping. Grayson felt as if maybe if he just shut up and listened to you that maybe he could’ve stopped it from happening. There was no such thing as happiness in Grayson’s life anymore. He isolated himself from everyone. He wanted you. He needed you. He loved you. But you left him. You left him here and he hated you for that. He was angry with you. He couldn’t believe you. The pain that he was feeling wasn’t like any other and you were the cause.

So now here he is standing in front of your headstone trying to hold back his tears. Ethan worriedly watched his brother from afar. He knew Grayson wouldn’t be able to say much but he didn’t speak on it.

The longer I stand here. The louder the silence. I know that you’re gone but sometimes I swear that I hear, your voice when the wind blows so I talk to the shadows hoping you might be listening cause I want you to know …

“All I wanted was for you to stay with me.” Grayson mumbled. “Why didn’t you stay with me? We had a future together.” He placed the rose on your tombstone and took a step back and for the first time, Grayson felt like something has been lifted off his shoulder. That’s when he heard your voice.

“Gray?” His head snapped around and he saw you standing behind him. “(Y/N)?” He breathed. “You’re not real.” You shook your head no. “You need to wake up, Gray.” Your voice was soft just as he remembered.

“Why’d you leave me?” He asked. “It was my time to go Gray, but now I need you to wake up.” You said grabbing his hand. Grayson quietly gasped feeling how cold your hands were. “This isn’t real do you understand me?” He shook his head. “Please let me stay. I need you just please let me stay.” You sighed. (Y/N) placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “It’s time for you to wake up, Gray.” His body felt light and he can feel himself being lifted. Then suddenly everything went dark.

“Grayson!” Grayson!“ His eyes slowly opened. He winced as the light burned his eyes. He tried sitting up but wasn’t able to move. “You fell out at the cemetery.” Ethan’s voice echoed Grayson’s head. It took Grayson a while to see clearly and when he did, everyone was hugging him and crying. After seeing you, he felt at peace. He felt like the world has been lifted off his shoulders. Grayson heard footsteps and looked over Ethan’s shoulder.

It was you.

You two stared at each other in silence for a few seconds before you told him what he always wanted to hear. “I love you, Gray.” He begin to cry and Ethan held him in his arms. “I miss her s-so much.” Grayson sobbed. “I know buddy,” Ethan rubbed his back. “I miss her too.”

“She was there,” Grayson whispered to Ethan. “She was there at the cemetery.” Ethan pulled away from Grayson looking him in the eyes. “I know, I seen her too and I know she’s here with us now.”

A/N: Listen alright … this was pretty damn hard to right and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t cry while writing it 😪 but I hope you guys enjoyed and I’ll love some feedback! - A

I’m a quiet person. I don’t say much, silence is all I am these days. But my mind. My mind is impossibly loud inside my head. Filled with rage and pain and sorrow it screams to be heard, but I won’t allow it. So I sit there with my mouth sewn shut as words, sentences, whole paragraphs rip and shred at my throat, clawing to get out. There’s a chasm in my chest, a big aching hole that grows and expands every single day, eating away at my very being. I can feel my heart crying, sobbing giant tears of what I have become. And it’s like my mind is desperate to be listened to, my stomach hungry to be fed, my skin begging to not be hurt, my heart aching to be loved, my body shivering, wishing to be held. All of this is contained inside me, a single person holding oceans and mountains and storms, words and love and pain and heartache. But I stay silent. I let it all thrum inside me, like a savage current, and do nothing. Why? Because quite simply put, I am a prisoner. A slave, shackled to all my insecurites and self hatred. And I don’t know how to break free.