lottieface

Ahhh shit, I’m really worried about the election in September. I really don’t want to see the further damage to this country that a 4th-term National government will do. I will always vote Green no matter what, but that will always mean a Labour government, which is what I want since it’s the best we can hope for - but they had a record low in the polls, the leader has just stepped down and been replaced by a 37 year old woman who is immensely popular and who I like a lot, but who has also never been in parliament (since we’ve had a National government since 2008) and has straight up said that she doesn’t want to be prime minister, even though she tweeted about being honoured to have been chosen as leader. It worries me, because I imagine the fact that she’s young, a woman, inexperienced compared to the current prime minister (who, by the way, is a conservative catholic who is opposed to reproductive rights, drug reform, and voted against the marriage equality bill iirc), and is reluctant to be leader, no matter what she says now - I’m worried that this will drive a lot of the swing voters and/or misogynists over to National. As much as I like Jacinda and would be happy to have her as prime minister, I kind of wish they had elected Grant Robertson - yes, another white male, but also a gay man (although that could push the homophobic swing voters over to National but I would hope that wouldn’t be many), with experience, and who is also pretty well-liked. Anyway, my point is that I really fucking hope that Jacinda and the rest of the Labour Party will get their shit together, maybe do something dramatic that will draw voters from National just as the Greens did (unfortunately at the expense of Labour), and win this fucking election. Because I loathe Bill English and I am terrified about what another three years of National will do - people will literally die, with our extremely high suicide rates and our high rates of children living in poverty, and the ever-growing gap between the rich and the poor. I’m not saying Labour is the answer, because as a centre-left party they’re not hugely different from National, but they’re at least a bit more progressive, and a Labour government means Greens in parliament, which is what we truly need imo.
ANYWAY sorry about this rant, it probably won’t mean anything to those of you who don’t live in New Zealand - but I’m worried and I needed to get it all out, and I don’t want to say anything on Facebook because I sure as fuck do not want to get into another argument with my fucking National-voting relatives

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh why are even positive things that happen to me so damn stressful??????? When is an obscenely wealthy person going to hire me to be their ornamental garden hermit so I never have to talk to anyone again??????

Just found I will have full-time work, five days a week with two days off in a row, from October 19th, because another staff member is leaving, and I’m so fucking relieved oh man, it is such a weight off my shoulders. And I’m so looking forward to not being constantly poor! I did a bit of maths and after my weekly expenses I’ll have ~$270 a week to buy food and as disposable income in general - which means I’ll be able to actually SAVE some money, get my scooter fixed, get my hair dyed again because it’s starting to look really sad. I just feel really relieved, idk. Won’t have to fight WINZ to give me money in between the end of semester and Christmas when the workmate whose job I was originally going to take leaves. I feel so much better ugh

My doctor asked me to obtain my school reports as part of my assessment for ADHD. My mum sent them down and I got them today and have been reading them and like… it made me feel like shit. Just, the explicit reminder of how much I struggled as a mentally ill teenager, and the feeling of isolation and fear that I always felt as a child and as a teenager. The worst part is that they really don’t seem to reflect the experiences of a child with ADHD - I was a smart kid and got by on my natural abilities but I remember having a huge amount of conflict with my teachers over my lack of focus and motivation and organisation and lack of completion of tasks and difficulty relating to my peers and the anxiety and perfectionism that made me unable to do things that I wasn’t instantly good at. My memories, when I consider them in the context of ADHD, are completely congruent with a kid that was anxious and quiet and internalising but still exhibited the hallmarks of a child with primarily inattentive ADHD. But these aren’t reflected for the most part in my school reports, which seem to be mostly focused on my academic achievements. Teachers that I remember calling my parents to complain about me were nothing but complimentary in their reports. Some of my high school reports comment on my lack of focus/effort and my not handing in a lot of work, but they mostly follow the same pattern as my primary school reports. There’s just… no mention of the other stuff. And that’s so frustrating, like, no wonder nobody ever said “oh hey, maybe there’s something going on with this kid,” when these reports are not even a little representative of my own experiences of school. I’m worried that my doctor is going to look at these and conclude that there’s no chance of my having ADHD after all, when I feel so strongly that this would explain so much about my experience and my memories of school. I’m hoping that she’ll still refer me on to the psychiatrist regardless, because she is really good at listening to my concerns. I don’t know.

feeling pretty shitty rn ngl.  it’s election night here and i just really wanted to go out to a bar and have some drinks and watch the election coverage.  the greens were having a party at one of my favourite bars with coverage and with live music, and i was gonna go, but now literally everyone has bailed on me, and it kind of made me realise how few friends i have?  and it’s really fucking depressing.

just, like.  i actually felt like leaving my house and doing something sociable for the first time in months, but i’ve got no one to do that with, so i’m gonna do what i always do on a saturday night and just eat takeaways and watch netflix and i’m just really fucking sad about it i hate myself so much

Wow, still being accused of lesbophobia by TERFs whilst ironically receiving lesbophobic harassment from the same TERFs.

Literally what do these people gain from this? I’m in the demographic that they claim to be trying to protect with their hatred of trans women. How am I a threat to them, and what do they achieve by continuing to reblog my post (as well as now reblogging other posts of mine with disparaging comments) after I asked them not to?

I hate this trash website, I’m a small time blogger with only 1k followers and I just wanted to make a fucking gay ass playlist FFS

Sooooo.  I have reached the point where my current situation has become untenable, and I will start to become seriously unwell if I don’t do something to change it.

The main problem at the moment is university.  I am so far behind that I don’t think it is possible for me to catch up, at least in two of my papers - the third, neuroscience, I still have a chance of salvaging and getting around a B grade if I put a lot of effort in, but the other two are past the point of return, I think.

Now, I have an assignment due tomorrow for child development (the same paper that I missed the test for on Tuesday, and still haven’t heard back from the course coordinator on when I can re-sit, but it’s pointless since I don’t know any of the content), and I just know for certain that I can’t do it.  I talked my options through with my therapist today, and we decided that I’d give it a go, but I’ve looked at it and I just don’t have time to do anything that would even pass, and I would rather not waste my limited energy on a lost cause.

So my current options are as follows:

  1. Continue trying to do as well as I can in all papers.  PROS: would probably be able to scrape a passing grade if I work my ass off, and therefore would still be able to start Honours next year.  CONS: passing grades would be very low, which would destroy my GPA, which needs to be at a certain level to get into Honours; I simply do not have the brain capacity to manage the amount of work that I would need to do; I will likely burn out from trying to do this and end up really unwell, not just moderately unwell like I am at the moment.
  2. Drop out of all papers, work full-time until July next year so I can do them again in semester two next year.  PROS: at the moment I can withdraw from my papers and receive a “withdrawn” on my academic transcript rather than a “fail”, which I don’t think will impact my GPA; one of my workmates is leaving at Christmas time and it is likely that my boss would give me his job until July if I asked her; would be good for my mental health to have some time off study for a wee bit.  CONS: can’t get fees refunded; I would lose my student allowance in the meantime, and there is not currently any full-time work available at my work, which means I’d have to go on a benefit for a while and that’s a whole other can of worms that I do not want to open; it would mean putting off Honours for an extra year, and therefore probably putting off applying for Clinical for two years instead of one, and I’m not getting any younger; I don’t know if I would be able to continue to see my GP at Student Health if I am not currently enrolled at university, even though it would only be temporary, and I do not want to lose her as my GP, especially since we’ve just put in motion an assessment for ADHD, which, if I end up being diagnosed, which I think I will, would have a potentially life-changing effect on me and my ability to do things, if I can get medication.
  3. Drop out of two of my papers, continue doing the third, work full-time from Christmas through to July next year, and then do the final two papers in semester two next year.  PROS: as long as I apply for limited full-time status, I won’t lost my student allowance for the rest of the semester - it means a little bit of bureaucracy, but much less than if I had to go on a benefit, and I know my doctor would sign off on it, and then at the end of the semester I’ll have work if my boss agrees to it; it will make things a little bit easier when I am trying to do those two papers next year, since I won’t have to do three at once; I won’t feel like a COMPLETE failure; I’ll still be able to see my GP at Student Health.  CONS: will still have that extra year before I start Honours; still can’t get course fees refunded.

At the moment, I’m leaning towards option three, that seems like the best approach.  I’m going to wait until I’ve talked to my boss tomorrow before I make that decision though - while I’m 90% sure she’d be happy for me to do my workmate’s job until July, I don’t want to take it for granted.

I feel pretty shitty about this, and I feel like a complete loser.  But at this point, I think I don’t have any other option, and I guess it’s a sign of where I’m at in my recovery that I would rather have a year’s setback and be well, than push through and end up losing myself again.  So yeah.  Ugh.