AU in which Eridan is secretly a merman or a siren and Dirk is secretly a vampire (or some shit) and they decide to try and court each other but while also thinking the other is human.
*At the restaurant*
Eridan: Drinks 3 glasses of water before the food comes.
Dirk: Shit humans drink way more water than I thought. *Tries to drink like 8 glasses of water and just ends up feeling like he’s going to die.*
Eridan: Shit Dirk has a lot of issues with the sun he burns so easily. I’m pale like him should I be having more trouble than this? Should I complain more?
Dirk: Shit man you’re incredible at swimming.
Eridan: H-Huh? Oh no! Haha I’m totally average at it!
Dirk: Shit man I better step up my swimming game fast.
Dirk: *Easy as Hell parkours up a building with gravity-defying acrobatics.*
Eridan: CAN ALL HUMANS DO THAT?!!?
Also Roxy knows about both of them and is having THE TIME OF HER LIFE.
Eridan: Rox Rox you gotta help me hit on Dirk but like in a human way.
Roxy: Bite his neck that’s sexy.
Dirk: Roxy do you know a good date restaurant that doesn’t use a lot of garlic so I don’t break out in a rash?
Roxy: How about sushi?