Sometimes I still get these urges to contact you.
It feels like pure desperation… Like my skin is crawling and my eyes are burning and I just want you back in my life so badly….
And I don’t know why? Where these sudden urges come from?
Why do I still do this, even after all this time?!
It’s like I'm getting out, I'm almost clear…. and then suddenly I feel like I would do absolutely anything just to have you back in my life again.
Even for a single moment…. Just to see you, talk to you - ANYTHING!
It’s like I don’t WANT to be out, I still want to be in love with you because in my mind, loving you equates to happiness and I just want that back… just for one second.
But I have to remind myself it’s not healthy.
Loving you is not like it used to be - it's not real anymore.
It’s not happy, it’s not positive…. and it’s gone and I can’t go back.
All I can do is put the phone down, blink back the tears … and keep moving forward.
you ruined me. you took every bone from my body and broke it. you ripped every organ out of my chest and butchered them. you breathed in every essence of my soul and never returned any of it. so, yes, I became lost without you. I didn’t know how to breathe or walk -let alone get out of bed- I didn’t even know who I was; but that’s only because you took all my pieces, made me a gigantic puzzle, scrambled all the pieces and never put them back together.
I wish I could make love with him right now. I don’t care about sexual pleasure, I just want his body. His body against mine and our naked skins caressing each other, I want his hands on me, his lips and his voice, and the scent of his hair, and his sighs. I want him to fall asleep on me and I want to hear him breathe. I want everything, and my arms are shaking from not being able to hold him right now, it’s almost painful.
It’s terrifying how your life changes without your consent.
You meet someone one day and before you realise it's happening you’re falling in love with them and it’s too late to stop. It’s like that reoccurring dream where you’re driving towards a red light and suddenly the brakes don’t work. It’s terror in slow motion. You’re drifting …. Drifting towards the intersection with your foot to the floor so hard you’re practically standing and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. It’s out of your control, you know you’re going to crash so hard it’s going to kill you….
But just before that inevitable moment you wake up and you feel relieved. It’s okay, it was just a bad dream. You’re in love and everything’s okay… So you walk around in your half dream state blissfully unaware you’re still asleep until the point that you wake up for real one day to the realisation that they’re gone.
And there you are, sobbing like a 2 year old because you didn’t ask for this. This isn’t fair, this isn’t right. You saw the red light ahead… and you tried so hard to put the brakes on
You’ve tainted every memory I have.
No matter what I remember - I remember you.
It doesn’t matter how far back I go - you’re there.
Years before I met you, even childhood memories - I remember you. Not because you were there at the time - but because they’re memories I’ve shared with you, or they’re memories that remind me of a feeling you once gave me.
There is no part of me you haven’t touched.
Every place I go I think of you - even the places I’ve never been to with you, because at some point I’ve been there and I’ve thought of you.
You’re everywhere ….. and it’s killing me.
You’re in my head.
You’re in my heart.