loss of faith

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C-PTSD is a psychological disorder caused by repetitive, prolonged trauma involving harm or abandonment from interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic. 

C-PTSD is associated with,

  • Slavery.
  • Long term crisis.
  • Long term imprisonment.
  • Cult involvement.

Symptoms include,

  • Emotional disregulation.
  • Disconnection from peer group.
  • Episodes of dissociation.
  • Alternating explosive & inhibited anger.
  • Isolation and withdrawal.
  • Persistent distrust.
  • A loss of sustaining faith.
  • Disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.
  • Chronic helplessness.
  • Attributing total power to the perpetrator.
  • Becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator.
  • Including a preoccupation with revenge, idealisation & Stockholm syndrome.
  • A sense of a special relationship with the perpetrator or acceptance of the perpetrator’s belief system or rationalisations.

Situations involving captivity/entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim or a perception of such) can lead to prolonged feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and deformation of one’s identity and sense of self.

Adults with C-PTSD have sometimes experienced prolonged interpersonal traumatization as children as well as prolonged trauma as adults. This can become a pervasive way of relating to others in adult life described as insecure attachment.

Individuals with Complex PTSD also demonstrate lasting personality disturbances with a significant risk of revictimization.

tl;dr: Anakin Skywalker, the most famous victim of C-PTSD the world has never known.

Once Upon a Time bosses unveil plans for season 7

Warning: This story contains major spoilers from the season finale of Once Upon a Time. Read at your own risk!

The Final Battle led to a lot of loss during Sunday’s two-hour season finale of Once Upon a Time.

After the curse hit, Henry (Jared Gilmore) found himself in a Black Fairy (Jaime Murray) run Storybrooke where Emma (Jennifer Morrison) was locked up in a mental hospital, unaware she’s the savior and refusing to believe in fairy tales.

It turns out, the Final Battle is not an actual fight, but a battle for Emma’s soul. The Black Fairy hopes to crush Emma’s belief, thus causing all the realms in Fairy Tale Land to crumble and disappear — and she nearly achieves her goal, too. Though Emma initially returned to her old life in Boston, Henry was able to convince his mother to return, saving everyone’s lives.

But it’s Rumple (Robert Carlyle) who actually breaks the curse. Furious that the Black Fairy imprisoned Belle (Emilie de Ravin), Rumple killed his mother, thus ending her spell, returning Emma’s memory and bringing everyone home to Storybrooke. Unfortunately, the Black Fairy had already commanded Gideon (Giles Matthey) to kill Emma. Instead of fighting back, Emma decides to sacrifice herself rather than kill an innocent. But, in a scene echoing the season 1 finale, Henry’s kiss resurrects Emma.

Though the storybook was burned, it reconstitutes and subsequently ends. Yes, it’s the end of this book, but not their story. Everyone gets to keep living happily ever after together. And yet, in a flash to the future that echoes the pilot, a young girl named Lucy (Alison Fernandez) shows up at an adult Henry’s (Andrew J. West) door, exclaiming that his family needs his help. She’s the same little girl whom an adult Henry in the Enchanted Forest employed to protect the storybook when a darkness came for him in what turned out to be a flash forward. What does this mean?! EW turned to executive producers Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis to find out.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Many of the cast we’ve known over the last six seasons are not returning. Can you talk about how the story will be changing moving forward?
ADAM HOROWITZ: Just on a conceptional level, it’s the same show. We’re trying to tell the same kind of stories and honor the DNA of what Once Upon a Time was from the very start. But I think we — Eddy and I — felt that as we approached season 6, the time had come to close the chapter on a lot of the stories we had been telling, which was the impetus behind this season finale, and open some new chapters. While there are some characters returning and some not returning, it’s still the same universe, and it’s still the same kind of storytelling. It’s just that we’re going to be coming at it from a little bit of a different angle. It’s not going to be necessarily Storybrooke-based.
EDWARD KITSIS: Also, what we see is, a new hero is leading us into a new world, which is an adult Henry Mills. We saw that in what we realize are flash forwards, and then at the very end, Henry has grown up and he looks like he left home. He was an Author writing everyone else’s story, so to me it looks like he left home to find his own story and then something happened, and now he’s got to be the hero.
HOROWITZ: It’s a little bit of the continuity between the two iterations of the show, which is Henry. Henry has been the heart of the show from the beginning. Jared was amazing, and we couldn’t love him move; watching him grow up has been amazing. Now, we’re going to see what that character becomes in a 10-years-older version. But he’s still going to be that character and still carry that essence of the show and be the center of the family that’s at the heart of the show.

You gave so much closure to so many stories, how do you plan to reconcile that with some people returning next year but not others? Does that change their happy endings?
KITSIS: What happened to these people, those are episodes, those are things we will probably want to show. For us, we felt creatively it was time to end a lot of these stories. What we’re really interested in is, as we said, it’s like a new book. So we’re starting with new stories. Although it’s going to have some of the people that we’ve loved for six years at the center of it, we are going to meet new people and new worlds.

Will we see an influx of new characters and other fairy tales? How will you branch out in that sense?
HOROWITZ: Hopefully when you see the premiere, that will become super clear, so we don’t want to give too much away right now other than to say we do intend to branch out, we do intend to also stay with some of the characters we’ve been with. It’s about how do you honor everything that’s come before, but also widen the canvas a little bit?
KITSIS: Open the world up.
HOROWITZ: That’s the goal of season 7. In addition to the people that we’ve already announced who are coming back as regulars, and who are not, there will be more regulars we’re adding to the mix.
KITSIS: As we completed one journey, what we want to do next year is take people on another one. The DNA is still the same, which is fairy tale characters in the real world in search of hope. We still have Henry, we still have Regina, we still have Hook and we still have Rumple, and we still have people are that are going to come in and out that we know, but we’re going to meet a whole new universe and a new group of people. So for us as writers, we’re also excited to do that. Probably you’re going to see a world with no magic in it on one side, very similar to the way we did in season 1.

Thematically, what are you hoping to explore that’s different than what the first six seasons were?
KITSIS: We always say that Emma was a character looking for her family and finding hope. I would say that Henry was the heart of the truest believer, and what we saw at the very end is he no longer believes. Henry’s loss in faith and the idea of belief is the jumping off point. The DNA of the show remains, and always will be, of hope. Each character was always looking for their happy ending, and that is no different than anyone in the real world.
HOROWITZ: One of the hardest times to have hope in anyone’s life is when you’ve lost belief or faith in something. That is a jumping off point for where we are for the next season, which is, how do you deal with questioning faith and belief and finding hope again?

This scene with adult Henry echoes the pilot, even down to Henry saying he doesn’t have a kid. Has something happened to him in terms of his memories or has he just become cynical somehow seemingly being separated from his family?  
HOROWTIZ: These are excellent questions that might be better answered—
KITSIS: —in the teaser of next year.
HOROWITZ: But they’re excellent and insightful questions.

Is the storybook that Henry charged his daughter with protecting in the Enchanted Forest the book we’ve always known, or a book with brand new stories within?
HOROWITZ: It’s another excellent question, and without getting too specific about what that book we saw in the teaser is really about, what we can say is that Henry has grown up, he has remained true to what we’ve established and he is an Author.

Let’s talk about Lucy. Who is her mother? Is it Violet?
HOROWITZ: Violet is in the montage at the end. When Henry goes to school, she’s waiting for him at the school.
KITSIS: But that being said, unfortunately like a lot of us, your first love in high school ends up not being the person you marry. You end up leaving home and moving on. It is not Violet. Who the mother is, and who Henry fell in love with, is one of the things we’re really excited about next year. In the tradition of Snow and Charming, Henry and his wife are a very much Once epic romance.

Is there a Savior in this story?
KITSIS: There could be.
HOROWITZ: There very well could be.

Can you talk at all about this new darkness coming after adult Henry that we saw in the Enchanted Forest? Is this the introduction of the new antagonist for next season?
HOROWITZ: It is. It looked pretty scary, so I don’t think it’s a new friend-tagonist. What we see in the season finale in those little snippets is, it’s a darkness that grown-up Henry has to deal with and has a big impact on what’s going on in season 7. We’re still at that we need to be slightly infuriatingly vague stage.

Since the show is going to be centered partially around Regina next year, what can you say about her drive or her story going into next season?
KITSIS: I’d say she’s fighting for the people, just like a queen does.

The Evil Queen seems to be marrying Robin Hood. Will she play a role next season since Lana is sticking around?
HOROWITZ: I would say, never say never.

Rumple seemed to get his happy ending with his family, but what do you plan to explore with him next season? The darkness is still inside and he’s just killed his own mother, so how has that changed him?
KITSIS: We saw his happy ending with Belle, and they worked really hard to get it. What’s happening next in his life and what he’s going through is obviously what the story is. That one I don’t want to just fully tease yet. All this stuff is literally just being worked on.
HOROWITZ: We really would love for the audience to be able to spend the summer living with the happiness that we’ve seen these characters get, because it’s real, and it’s meant to be real. It’s not meant to be something that we’re doing that we want to destroy and make all horrible, or whatever. We want these characters to have really earned this place of happiness they’ve found. But because we’re telling stories, we’re going to have issues to overcome in the future, and Rumple is no exception to that rule. To tell you now what it is would give away so much, so we’d rather have the audience really sit with what we’ve left them with for now.

Because you see Emma get her happy ending, and we know that Jennifer is only returning for one episode, a lot of fans are worried Emma is going to die. Do you want to say anything to the audience?
KITSIS: Not really. There’s nothing to say. That is correct, she is coming back for an episode. Their happiness is real, and people should enjoy that. The thing is this: Right now, we’re not trying to take away the show we’ve done for six years, and we’re not trying to destroy people’s happiness right now, but we’re going to be telling a new version. But until they see that, they won’t understand what it is. So for us, we’d rather not whip people into a frenzy.
HOROWITZ: I’d like to underscore that for a second: Really we wanted the audience to not think about what we’re doing as throwing away what came before, but building on and expanding from it, so that what happened and what they’ve lived with and what they’ve invested in all these years still really matters; it matters to us as writers and we know it matters to so much of the audience. We want them to know that we do really respect that and we really do approach the story from that level. We’re not just clearing a playing field and starting over willy-nilly. We’re trying to tell these new stories and expand our canvas, but also honor what’s come before.

Hook’s always walked a fine line of giving into his darker instincts over the years. Is that something you might delve into again moving forward?
KITSIS: That’s definitely a part of his DNA, but we’re hoping to tell new avenues of story for the characters. The lessons they’ve learned on the show, like we don’t want another year of Regina wondering whether or not she should be evil; that’s been settled. When the dwarves bow to her, they bow to her as the queen. She’s no longer the Evil Queen. So we want our characters to move forward. But like any of us, once you get a hold of one issue, there’s always three others.

Can you talk about how you’ll be handling flashbacks next year?
HOROWITZ: We do intend to keep a flashback component to the show and we hope that how we do it is fun for the audience.

Now that you have this new direction, do you have a better sense of your endgame?
HOROWITZ: Our goal with the show remains the same, is the simplest way to put it. It’s that question you always get asked, which is, “Do you know exactly what the end is going to be?”
KITSIS: We knew for this chapter, we have ideas and we are creating a new chapter. We’ll see how that goes. We’re excited about the new journey. We think it’s very much Once Upon a Time. At the same respect, we are excited that we got to see those happy moments from our characters in the finale and really build to that.


Envy is when someone walks around with a pocket full of “That should’ve been me”.

Insecurity is when you turn up the volume on all the wrong voices.

Hate is what happens when you put a shotgun to the face of understanding and it cowers in the corner.

Courage is ripping your heart from your chest and saying “Here, hold on to this for me”.

Truth is everything you tell yourself when you realize you are the only one still paying attention.

Self is whoever you become when the door is locked.

Trust is jumping into someone’s arms and knowing you won’t have to pick yourself up when it’s over.

Love is a tablespoon full of hemlock that I’ve been dying to try.

Faith is doing what you love and watching the bills pay themselves.

Failure is when you talk yourself out of becoming something amazing.

Victory is standing in front of the school bully with no intention to back down and a fist full of irony.

Success is explaining to your mother exactly what you do for a living without feeling ashamed. It’s falling asleep at 2 A.M., waking up at 4 A.M. and going to work with excitement stitched into the fabric of your smile.

Success is a thank you letter from a kid who lives in a city that you’ve never even been to. It’s breaking up a fight between a person and everything that’s telling them they will never be more than what they are.

When I was fourteen, my friend Adam stole a dictionary from his English class. He brought it home and we set it on fire.

Since then, I’ve been defining things for myself

—  Rudy Francisco, Definitions

anonymous asked:

soooo happy that FMM claire has a bun in the oven!!! would love to see a classic pregnancybrain moment that she gets to share with jamie. mine hit me worst at 5 or 6 weeks in!

Flood my Mornings: Eggs

Notes from Mod Bonnie:

  • This story takes place in an AU in which Jamie travels through the stones two years after Culloden and finds Claire and his child in 1950 Boston.
  • Previous installment:  The First Step (Misunderstanding over Claire’s application+ baby news)


Jamie came awake and jumped out of bed in one single second, stumbling toward the sound of her voice in the kitchen. Stumbling; not running.  He knew from her tone that there was no danger to hand: a ‘goddamnit’ of frustration only. Nonetheless, it was the middle of the night, and Claire—unpredictable and mad as she was, on the whole—didn’t usually take to screaming at random

She was standing over the stove, her hands in fists at her sides and her robe slipping off her shaking shoulders.

“Claire, love?” He put a hand on the small of her back. “Have ye burned yourself?” 

“NO, the—blasted stove is broken—" She was agitated and angry and looked as though she were going to lay a kick to the offending appliance. “I just wanted to scramble eggs but they’re not—not—cooking!

“No? What’s wrong, d'ye think?” he asked, glancing at the pan, which sure enough, held only wet, raw eggs.

“The damned—stove is broken—” she repeated, teeth gritted in frustration as she gestured wildly at the item in question. “I just don’t understand, it was working fine at dinner—but — ”

She gulped air. Then, she burst into tears. 

“Och, hey, shhhh it’s no matter, lass,” he said, half-laughing as he pulled her to him and hugged her tight. “Hey, now, it’s alright—we’ll get a repairman out, if we must—”

She sobbed into his shoulder. “I’ve been trying for ten minutes and I don’t—I don’t—I just wanted EGGS —

“Dinna fash, mo nighean donn,” He choked back a laugh and only rubbed her back, swaying her as though they were dancing cheek-to-cheek, like the song said. “Here, let me make ye something that doesna require heati ” He went mute, gobbled for a moment, then pursed his lips hard together, his wame now convulsing madly from the effort not to burst out laughing . 

“What?” she said sharply at his sudden silence. She pulled back enough to glare at him. “WHAT?” 

Without a word, but with his lips quivering, he released one hand from her waist, reached over….and turned on the Stovetop.

You willna laugh, James Fraser. 


But thank GOD his pregnant wife cackled first. 

She dropped her forehead against his shoulder, wrapped her arms around his neck, and positively SHOOK with laughter, bringing him right along with her . They slumped against each other, hooting like the wee fools they were.

“Oh Jesus H. CHRIST, what is WRONG with me??” she moaned as she stepped away from him a few minutes later, wiping away tears and still giggling.

“Dinna fash yourself,” he said, turning the Stove off again. “It’s common early in a woman’s carrying, no? To feel a bit daft from time to time?”

“Well, yes, so they say, but—”

“Jen told me once that when she was newly wi’ child (I think it was wi’ Wee Jamie, come to think ) she lost her favorite book of French folktales and was near-distraught. Then the next planting season, she was turning the soil of the kailyard and up came Contes des Fées along with the rotted cabbage roots.”

“Oh, Jenny,” Claire hooted, leaning back against the counter. “Well, that does make me feel a bit less insane. It’s just so strange—I don’t remember anything of the sort with Faith or Brianna.” 

“No, indeed?”

“I should have thought that by my third pregnancy, I would have seen it all! Apparently not!”

He stepped into her arms and kissed her deeply. He didn’t want to voice the sad thoughts running through his mind. The still-raw grief from the loss of Faith. That at this phase of her last pregnancy, Claire had been close to starvation from months of war on the slow march toward Culloden. Much might have been missed, amid that bleak time; much had been missed, since. 

But those sorrows were of another life, and had no place in the foolish glee of this night. He said only, “No child of ours would make things easy for us, would they?”

“No indeed.” She rubbed her abdomen and made a stern face at it. “Just don’t make Mummy jump off a cliff or anything permanent, alright, little one?”  

Jamie grinned and added his hand, spanning them both. “Aye, young Fraser, be nice to your Mama, or you’ll have ME to answer to.”  They both sighed then, with twin, happy, humming sounds. 

Jamie did some quick calculation. “It’ll be August, aye?”

She smiled and nodded. “I think so—can’t say for sure precisely when we conceived, but yes, August approximately.” She suddenly groaned. “Oh, LORD, that means I’ll be carrying a 7-, 8-, and 9-month baby in SUMMER.” 

“Well, never you fear, Sassenach: I’ll be here with all the lemonade and cool cloths ye might desire.” 

“Well, that sounds much better than last time. God, this time next year, we’ll have him or her with us. Can you imagine?” She beamed. 

As did he, imagining. A new bairn. A wee brother or sister for Brianna. Getting to see Claire carry a child in peace and under the care of doctors. Getting to hold his child from the moment they would be born…. 

He kissed her temple. “Go sit yourself down, mo ghraidh, while I make ye some eggs.”

“Oh, no, I can do it!” She turned toward the Stovetop, catching up the Spatula. “Now that I know it’s just a matter of turning ON the bloody —”

He turned her firmly away and settled her into the chair. “I insist.” 

“You really don’t have to wait on me hand and foot, Jamie—I’m perfectly capable, and for all my teasing, I don’t expect royal treatment.” 

“Aye, I ken that. But it’s my joy to take care of ye, Sassenach. Always, but—particularly now that you’re carrying our child.” He took the Spatula from her hand in a manner that brokered no argument.

She sighed and then grinned up at him. “Well in that case, I’d feel much better cared for if you’d put cheese on the top.”

“Your wish is my command, your majesty.” He opened the Frigidaire, peering. “Sorry, I dinna think we have any.” 

“No, no, I know we do,” she said, furrowing her eyebrows and glancing confidently around the kitchen. “Just had it in my hand a few min—ohforfuck’ssake—

She walked with dignity to the counter, and oh-so-casually picked up the block of cheese.  

From the soap dish. 

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I can still count on one hand
The number of nights I’ve fallen asleep in your arms
Tracing patterns on your back with my fingertips
Until we’re both too tired to talk anymore
I adore the way your skin feels beneath my hands
Following the slow rise and fall of your breath while you sleep
Crystal blue eyes the first thing I see as the sun is rising
And lips so soft that I could drown in your goodbye kisses
As you tell me to have a good day at work
And to lock the door on my way out
Please leave the key under the mat

And I can’t help but see all of this as a metaphor
I’ve never been particularly good at staying behind
Being just another stop along someone else’s adventure
I have a history of savoring every moment as its devoured
Because any one of them could be the last meal
And I don’t want to forget the way they tasted

So maybe it’s a bit out of character for me
Or perhaps a sign of growth
That I’m still here
You’re right, most people wouldn’t bother with this
Walking into a paradise with a possible expiration date
But I guess I have a different set of priorities
After all, lots of things cause cataclysm
There are a million reasons that relationships end
Some mundane and some fantastically painful
So this theoretical threat, no matter how terrifying
Is just one of a hundred ways that this could end
And maybe I’m just being poetic
But I would rather lose you to circumstance
While knowing that you still love me
Than live through the slow and resentful decay
That so many others suffer

So please just relax
And try not to feel so guilty
Let’s stop worrying about all of the maybes
And spend our time enjoying this electricity between us
The laughter and the closeness
And the exquisite bliss when our bodies touch
Because I know that you’re as afraid as I am
Just in a different way
But you’ll have to trust me
I know what I’m getting myself into
And whether or not you agree
I consider your light to be worth far more
Than my fear of the darkness

Besides, change doesn’t always equal The End
There are so many things that this could grow into
Shapes and forms that this relationship could take
That we can’t even imagine yet
And I’m not well known for letting things go easily
So even if time and distance do make things difficult someday
If you’re willing to keep the porchlight on for me
I’ll always be able to find your doorstep
And I know you keep your key under the mat

—  Deadline by Jessy Hudson

Good morning!!!

Every change in your life is your choise, love yourself enough to have a healthy lifestyle, you deserve to feel fine and be happy, to be proud of you and to conquer of all your dreams,…..  


For more motivation, happy quotes, food benefits, and fun….check out my fitness blog! 

One thing I’m disappointed the Narnia films didn’t portray was Susan’s lack of faith in Narnia.

In the books, she spends most of the time saying things that implies that even while in Narnia, she doesn’t believe that any of it can be real. She doubts Aslan in Prince Caspian and she’s the one always reminding her siblings that they’re just children, that they’re from Finchley and have no place as monarchs in a magical world. She has a very practical mind and with practicality comes logic and common sense, all of which Narnia seems to defy in her eyes.

While the films definitely do give you a great representation of that practical Susan who thinks it best not to get involved and to do as little damage as possible, they don’t give you much implication that she ever doubted beyond the initial disbelief in Narnia early on in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. We only really get this small conversation in Prince Caspian between Susan and Lucy by the fireplace about doubting Aslan (a scene that was in the book, actually) but it’s almost as if she entirely forgot that conversation later as she spends the rest of the film shooting Peter disapproving looks for making stupid mistakes.

It’ll definitely confuse audiences that never read the books if we ever get a Last Battle film (or if the beginning production of The Silver Chair is any indication, it’ll be a matter of when we get a Last Battle film) when Susan is suddenly not a Friend of Narnia (if the writers decide to be faithful to the books). Even with some sort of explanation, we didn’t visually see Susan’s lack of faith in the films, so once the “she’s no longer a Friend of Narnia” concersation pops up, it’ll just be a cause for confusion, especially with how Susan was portrayed. Susan in the films was rather a warrior queen and just a mother figure and really gives no indication that she would lose faith in Narnia at any point. It would actually be rather strange for someone who’s fought in battles and seemed to have so much influence over her siblings and the country to suddenly go “Oh, Narnia? What a silly game that was that we played as children.” In the books we have a gentle girl who cares for her siblings and is only roped in to the whole Narnia ordeal because she’s trying to protect her family instead of through actual faith. She’s detached and doesn’t seem to actually involve herself into the workings of the kingdom. While not participating in wars doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care for the country (as someone who’s anti-war, I would do the same as her), we do get a few hints in the way people speak about Susan as queen and they all indicate that she wasn’t as involved or as attached to Narnia as her siblings. So in the books, the loss of faith was a bit of a surprise because it wasn’t as emphasized, but, through some closer analysis, it makes sense that she would lose faith or “forget”. But in the films, it seems to come out of left field.

It’s just one of those things that I wish the creators of the films made sure to show. It really gives the films that extra depth that the books carry and, since the books are considered an allegory by most, it would have been a great portrayal of that person that struggles with their faith, whether it be as a Christian or Muslim or whatever (because honestly, Susan’s struggle with faith most can see themselves in no matter what their faith is). It’s just one of those things that the films changed/ignored from the books that were actually what made the books as great as they were.

Faith is the realization of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1)

 But my own tides moved no longer to that chaste and sterile summons, and the knowledge of my freedom raced like danger through my blood.  

      “I have a gift for you too,” I said suddenly to Jamie. He turned toward me and his hand slid, large and sure, over the plane of my still-flat stomach.  

      “Have you, now?” he said.

– Outlander

“It was a girl,” I said after a moment. My voice sounded funny; hoarse and husky. “Mother Hildegarde baptized her. Faith. Faith Fraser. Mother Hildegarde has a very odd sense of humor.”

– Dragonfly in Amber

It was a small stone, made of a soft white marble. A pair of cherub‟s wings spread out across the top, sheltering the single word that was the stone‟s only other decoration. “Faith,” it read.

I stood looking down at it until my vision blurred. I had brought a flower; a pink tulip — not the easiest thing to find in Paris in December, but Jared kept a conservatory. I knelt down and laid it on the stone, stroking the soft curve of the petal with a finger, as though it were a baby’s cheek.

“I thought I wouldn’t cry,” I said a little later.

I felt the weight of Mother Hildegarde’s hand on my head.

Le Bon Dieu orders things as He thinks best,” she said softly. “But He seldom tells us why.”

– Voyager

“It’s true, though—what I said. You can’t truly lose a child. Do you—do you remember Faith?”  

  My voice trembled slightly as I asked it; we had not spoken in years of our first daughter, stillborn in France.  

  His arm curled around me, pulling me against him.  

  “Of course I do,” he said softly. “D'ye think I would ever forget?”  

  “No.” The tears were flowing down my face, but I was not truly weeping; it was no more than the overflow of feeling. “That’s what I mean. I never told you—when we were in Paris, to see Jared—I went to the Hopital des Anges; I saw her grave there. I—I brought her a pink tulip.”  

   He was quiet for a moment.  

  “I took her violets,” he said, so softly I almost didn’t hear him.

– Drums of Autumn

 “I saw ye with the wean, Sassenach, riding. Ye’ve a great tenderness about ye always—but when I saw ye so, wi’ the bairn tumbling about beneath your cloak, it—I remembered, how it was, how ye looked, when ye carried Faith.”  

  I caught my breath. To hear him speak the name of our first daughter like that, so matter-of-factly, was startling. We spoke of her seldom; her death was so long in the past that sometimes it seemed unreal, and yet the wound of her loss had scarred both of us badly.  

  Faith herself was not unreal at all, though.  

  She was near me, whenever I touched a baby. And this child, this nameless orphan, so small and frail, with skin so translucent that the blue threads of her veins showed clear beneath—yes, the echoes of Faith were strong.

– The Fiery Cross

Bree had told me the bare bones of his history; I knew about his Mohawk wife, Emily, and the death of his daughter, and I felt the small presence of my own first child, Faith, stillborn but always with me.

– A Breath of Snow and Ashes

I‘d come to terms with my memory of sharing Louis‘s bed—for the ten minutes it had taken— long since, and Jamie and I had long since come to terms with each other, turning to each other in the wake of the loss of our first daughter, Faith, and all the terrible things that had happened in France before the Rising.

It wasn‘t that hearing of Louis‘s death made any real difference at all—but still, I had a feeling of relief, as though some tiresome bit of music that had been playing in the far distance had finally come to a graceful end, and now the silence of peace sang to me in the wind.

“God rest his soul,” I said, rather belatedly. Jamie smiled, and laid his hand over mine.

– An Echo In The Bone

So many gory details didn’t show up on those tidy genealogical charts, I thought. Brianna was Frank’s daughter, on paper—and by love. But the long, knife-blade nose and glowing hair of the man beside me showed whose blood ran through her veins. But I’d thought I knew. And because of that false knowledge, I’d prevented Jamie killing Jack Randall in Paris, fearing that if he did, Frank might never be born.

What if he had killed Randall then? I wondered, looking at Jamie sidelong. He sat tall, straight in the saddle, deep in thought, but with an air now of anticipation; the dread of the morning that had gripped us both had gone. Anything might have happened; a number of things might not. Randall wouldn’t have abused Fergus; Jamie wouldn’t have fought a duel with him in the Bois de Boulogne … perhaps I would not have miscarried our first child, our daughter Faith.

Likely I would have—miscarriage was usually physiological in basis, not emotional, however romantic novels painted it. But the memory of loss was forever linked to that duel in the Bois de Boulogne.

– An Echo In The Bone


Summary: The day before the big wedding, Hook and Regina discuss the events of 6x15. (References to Captain Swan, Captain Cobra, Swan Queen friendship, and Regal Believer)

Notes: I’m taking the chance to have two of my favorite Once characters discuss what happened in Storybrooke when Emma believed Hook had abandoned them. Because both Hook and Regina care about Emma and Henry, and words need to be said. Spoilers for that episode, as well as upcoming episodes.

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It was the distinct clack of stilettos on the upper deck of the ship that startled Killian from his book. He had retreated to the Jolly to relax. His and Emma’s home had been overrun with wedding decorations, and though he was counting down the moments he could finally make her his wife, the overwhelming clutter had given him a headache. Judging from the distinct sound of Regina’s gait above, Killian doubted he would get a reprieve. 

He had just sat down his book, and was making to stand when the hatch to his quarters was unceremoniously thrown open, and Regina’s voice carried down, “You down there, Captain?”

“Aye, just let me–" 

His response was cut off when Regina appeared suddenly in a cloud of smoke. At his raised eyebrow, she simple replied, “There was no way I was climbing down that ladder in these heels and skirt.”

It was a valid explanation. Emma had often made asides about the difficulty of navigating the ladder in the more formal attire she wore on special dates. That he minded too much, as her climbing down had always given him a delightful view of her arse. Still, it rankled him that Regina had appeared without warning. No on ever approached his quarter’s without express permission – he was the Captain, after all – and he had half a mind to tell her such. But the set of Regina’s expression, and his own unwillingness to cause a verbal sparring match, made him bite his tongue.

Instead, he plastered on his widest smile, teething flashing as he asked, “To what do I owe you the pleasure, Your Majesty?”

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Um… you guys… John Hunger isn’t the way he is because he’s depressed. When you guys are depressed, do you have the rage-energy to swallow entire worlds and grow with the sole intention of breaking through reality to fight God? Like I understand that depression goes hand in hand with pessimism/nihilism and a loss of faith in love and friendships– but like, what depressed people do with those emotions is very different from what John is doing with them. When you’re depressed you lose the will to live. This guy wants to steal the lives of others for his Grand Purpose without their permission. He kills. A LOT. Do you really want him as your Depression Mascot?
Like, I can sympathize with him feeling that the world is horrible– that’s def a depression thing. But this fucker has a purpose. His nihilism gives him purpose. One of the things I remember hating most about depression was that it stole my purpose from me. It’s an entirely different thing.
John Hunger doesn’t need love and friendship and a warm blanket and hot cocoa. He needs to be taken the fuck down.