losingitall

“Losing It All” Romitri Au - Dimitri POV - Part 1 (Part 2)

Blood. There was so much blood. Ipressed my hand against her abdomen and swallowed down the panic. “Don’t worry,Roza. It’ll be okay,” I lied, furiously hoping she hadn’t heard my voice crack with every word.
Shaking her head, she spoke, her voice faint. “Comrade, I thought you didn’t lie.” My throat began to ache as I held back the tears. “I almost had him,” she said through shallow breath.
Glancing down at the strigoi a few feet from Rose, I thought back to the fight. She’d fought perfectly, exactly as I’d taught her. She’d anticipated his every move. What she hadn’t anticipated is that he’d be carrying a knife. Strigoi never did. Immortality put a stopper on your fear, and bloodlust only added to the god-complex.
Ripping my t-shirt off, I desperately pressed it against her side. Then, with shaky hands, I ripped my phone out and called for backup. “Бог черт возьми,” I murmered hanging up. Too long. It would take them too long.
“Dimka?”
With all the gusto I could muster, I met her eyes. “They’re coming.” But she shook her head.
“They won’t make it. I won’t make it.” Her hand lightly cupped my cheek. “I love you. I need you to know that.”
Suddenly, the tears began to spill over. “I know, Roza. I love you too.” Kissing her forehead, I felt her body shaking under me. I’d never felt so helpless, so useless.
“No,” she said, coughing up blood. “You don’t…you don’t know.”
I put my finger to her lips. “You can tell me later. Rose, don’t…”
“Dimitri, there won’t be a later.” Her voice was firm. “You have to listen.” She struggled with the words, and the pain in my chest grew unbearable. “Are…are you listening?” I nodded. “You have to take care of Liss. Okay? And tell my parents that I love them.”
“I will, Rose. I will.”
“Comrade, don’t cry. Look at me.” I met her eyes. Despite her strong front, I could see the fear in her eyes and it killed me. “I love you. You have given me the best fourteen years anyone could ever ask for. The day we said ‘I do’ was the day I truly started living.” Her eyes clenched shut and her shallow breathing sped up. Then just like that, it stopped.
“Rose?” No answer. “Roza??” No answer. I buried my face in her hair and allowed myself to cry. Surely, the world couldn’t keep turning. Surely, after losing such a bright soul, such a beautiful life, the world and all the horrible things in it would come to an end.
Screaming, I grabbed my stake and threw it as far as I could. Useless. It was useless now without anyone to protect. And I cried. I cried until I knew the tears would come no more, but it didn’t alleviate the pain. It didn’t even begin the touch the pain. It was like drowning. The waves hit me again and again, but I just couldn’t die.
Faintly, I heard footsteps behind me. Good, I thought.  Let them come. Let them kill me.
“Guardian Belikov?” I didn’t move. They were too late, and I hated them for it.
“Leave me here,” I said emotionlessly. I felt a hand touch my arm and a tore away from it. “I SAID LEAVE ME HERE.” I felt a sharp prick, and all went dark.

I woke up and wiped the sleep from my eyes. A faint pain radiated in my chest from the horrible nightmare. “Rose, you wouldn’t believe the dream I just had.” That’s when I noticed that I wasn’t our room in the royal court. This room was too white, too clean. The hospital.
Panic shook me. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t have been real. A dark figure emerged in the doorway. Christian. The snark I’d grown accustomed to was absent from his face, and his eyes were tinged with red.
“Belikov, how are you feeling?”
“She’s gone,” I said simply. Even as I said the words, I knew they must be wrong. Suddenly, I remembered my promise to Rose. “Lissa. Where is Lissa?”
He rubbed his eyes and leaned against the door frame. “She’s not well, Dimitri. They have her in her own room, and she’s taking enough pills to kill a horse. Sonya is making her some silver charms.” He reached out with a large silver ring. “She made you one too.”
Shaking my head, I tore my blankets off. “No. I have to have a clear mind, Christian. I have to take care of you and Lissa. I promis…”
“Belikov, stop.” He put a hand on my arm and guided me back into bed. “You need to rest.”
“NO. I have to tell Lissa what Rose…I have to…Rose,” I lost my words in sobs. “She can’t be gone.”
Christian slipped the ring into my hand and hugged me tight. “I know, man. I know.”

Tumblr Tuesday:

Also, remember than anon is on for Talk to Me Tuesday (you don’t have to be anon, though.)

Tagged by betternikki

So, apparently, these are the rules to this game.
Rule 1: Repost the rules
Rule 2: Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then make 11 new ones
Rule 3: Tag 11 people and link them to your post
Rule 4: Let them know they’ve been tagged

betternikki’s questions & my answers:
1. What is your favorite shape and why? - My favorite shape is one of my hand-drawn stars. They are cartoonish and a little different every time…they make me smile.
2. If your favorite running/athletic shoes could come in any color combination, what would you choose? - I’d want them to be bright, crazy colors, like dark hot pink and flourescent yellow.
3. What was your least favorite subject in school? - MATH. Gah. When it clicked, it clicked…but it rarely clicked.  It was mostly extremely frustrating, and I loathed it.
4. What food do you not like that you wish you did? - Onions. I like them if they’re cooked, but I wish I could eat raw onions on burgers or salads…it looks so good, but tastes so terrible.
5. If you needed to be rescued, what superhero would you hope would come to your aid? - That dog from the cartoons with the barrel around his neck. I always assumed there was hot rootbeer in there. Why hot rootbeer sounds good to me when being rescued from a snowstorm (I am obviously being rescued from a snowstorm in this scenario) is anyone’s guess.
6. What would be “somewhere over the rainbow” for you? - It was at my wedding. One of our best men actually wrote a version of that song for me to walk down the aisle to; my life has taken some serious twists and turns, and to be finally marrying the man of my dreams felt surreal,  like walking into technicolor world from shades of gray.
7. What’s something that was a huge childhood dream that no longer matters to you? - When I was growing up, all I wanted was to be a movie star; then I moved to California and went to a performing arts school and realized how far-fetched that dream was, and suddenly knew a life of constant auditions and rejections wasn’t the life for me.
8. Use their, they’re, and there properly in a sentence- together. - Their dogs are over there, and they’re adorable!
9. If you could meet me, what would you want to do? (If you wouldn’t want to meet me, then pretend that you would.) - Run a mud race with you! You seem like someone who could make that experience fun…plus, you’re a beast (in a fitness-related way)!
10. What’s something that really grosses you out? - Any bodily fluid except blood, and watching other people eat.  Eeeew.
11. What’s something that’s trendy/fashionable/popular now that you think is dumb? - High-waisted pants. I’m not sure if they’re still in fashion, but those were the most ill-advised fashion re-do ever created. 

My questions:
1. What is your favorite color?
2. Do you have a nickname, and if so, what is it and how did you acquire it?
3. What is your favorite fitness accessory (besides shoes) and why?
4. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? What was his/her/its name?
5. What activities/sports did you participate in when you were in school? Do you still do any of them today?
6. What is one thing about yourself that you wouldn’t change?
7. How many siblings do you have?
8. If you could take your ultimate dream vacation, where would you go and with whom?
9. What is your favorite book/author or song/artist?
10. Name one thing, besides fitness, at which you excel?
11. If you could choose, what would be your “spirit animal”?

I’m tagging these lucky ducks to participate next (if you don’t want to do this, no worries…and if you want to do this but weren’t tagged, feel free to do so and tag me so I can see your awesome answers!):
runlojorun
leannmean
ourtimetochange
jessicamaynard
sparrowrunner
losingitall
runningwithpump
x-opher
regainingmymoxy
christwalk
hayruns

Done with negativity for the day.

amandafullofhappiness replied to your post: my eating yesterday does not determine my value as…

just remember everyday is a new day :) dont let what you do one day determine who you are

aliblogsgradschool replied to your post: my eating yesterday does not determine my value as…

You are so right! You are extremely valuable regardless of food choices. :] Love you, Nikki!

catherinegetsfit replied to your post: the details of yesterday- under the cut in case…

Nikki, it takes so much courage to admit to a binge and post the details. This does not define who you are. Today will be better.

losingitall replied to your post: the details of yesterday- under the cut in case…

There is never any sense when the binge monster come to town. Whats done is done and its not really that bad. Its amazingly hard to put it all out there to be so honest, I hope you just move onto a new fresh and happy day. Please don’t dwell on it :)

arestlessmind replied to your post: the details of yesterday- under the cut in case…

We all have those days and it definitely took a lot of courage for you to admit it. Don’t worry about yesterday, just accept what happened and move on. Today is a fresh and new day!

shortmom replied to your post: the details of yesterday- under the cut in case…

I like your “moving on” attitude … it’s so important to remember that yesterday’s or last week’s screw ups don’t mean we’ll repeat them today. For me, owning up to the mistakes puts them on my radar so I will have less chance for repeat.

ariavie replied to your post: the details of yesterday- under the cut in case…

Remember how crappy a binge makes your body feel.Enough binge-enduced stomachaches will make you reconsider. I’m glad you’re not freaking out about it. That shows some progress right there! :)

Thanks everyone (and the ones I didn’t post)!

reinventyourlife replied to your photo: GPOYW- last year Halloween edition Unfortunately,…

You’re being negative again missy! You’re gorgeous and still look hot in that dress, I’m sure.

You totally read my mind my saying this while I was compiling this post.

Putting it all out there helped me assuage my guilt and also show that it’s not as bad as I felt it was. It also helped me see that if I have too many days like yesterday, I could be back at 170 by Thanksgiving. Yikes!

I’m going to make my next 2 days of eating the best they can be, enjoy my trip this weekend, try not to compare myself to my gorgeous, tiny sis-in-law, and get myself straight when I come back. Is it wrong for me to want there to be a noticeable difference between when they see me this weekend & Thanksgiving?