I guess feeling friends fade away from your life hurts. It hurts because you don’t connect with people often but with them it just clicked. It hurts because you could feel the distance growing. They stopped texting you as often. You felt you were annoying them. You watched them post on social media with their new friends, and felt a pocket of envy in your stomach. It is so much harder to let go of someone when you are a quiet person like myself, when you know that friendships do not come often or easily. They do not sprout like flowers. They are rare occurrences, like twins, the Grand Canyon, or dogs with two different coloured eyes. So I am sorry, my friend, that my friendship did not satisfy you, and I’m sorry my friendship to you wasn’t as rare an occurrence as yours was to me. I’m sorry you got bored of me, I’m sorry we grew apart.
When a relationship ends, it sort of makes sense. People fall out of love with another, situations change, and there’s nothing you can really do about it. Your lovers come in to your life at a certain time and you give what the other one needs. Sometimes they’ll want what you’re giving them forever and sometimes they won’t. Even though breakups are terrible and earth shattering, they almost feel a little less personal than the end of a close friendship. I mean, there are countless movies, TV shows and books about this, remember? They’re a fact of life. It’s not you, I swear, it’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.
But the end of a friendship is all about you. It’s nothing but you. It’s almost like a personal attack on your character. Someone who once thought of you as a beautiful soul now sees some ugly in you. They wanted to talk to you everyday and now they’re willfully distancing themselves. Meanwhile, you’re left thinking, “What did I do wrong? Where’s my partner in crime? Why don’t you want to be a part of my life anymore? I planned on you having e a major role and now you’re reducing yourself to a cameo.”
I miss you. I miss texting you about every single stupid thing that happens in my life. I miss laughing with you and all of our inside jokes. I miss looking over at you and knowing exactly what you are thinking. I miss your family and the way you used to fill me in on their daily happenings and what crazy, judgmental things they said this time. I miss knowing that, at the end of the day, I had you– that when push came to shove, no matter how bad the situation might be, I knew you would be there. I miss my person, my other half and my best friend.
I hate that when people ask me how you are doing, and I genuinely don’t know. I hate that our conversations that once used to be so natural and seemingly endless are now just formal “how-do-you-do’s,” and “hope-you’re-doing-well’s.”
I hate that your face, the face I was so accustomed to seeing almost every single day, has become just another one in the crowd. I hate that we no longer speak, and that when we do, all of our conversations are awkward and now start with “OMG! I haven’t talked to you in forever!”
I’m mad at us for letting our friendship become this far gone. What happened? How did we not see this coming? How did we not feel ourselves starting to drift? I am mad at us for not fighting harder for the friendship that we had. It wasn’t like most friendships. It was the kind of friendship that neither of us could have anticipated coming to an end. It was us against the world, and now it is nothing. I am mad at us for letting it become nothing but a collection of memories.
I am sad because I don’t even know where to go from here. I don’t know what there is to be said. Nothing really happened to make it change, so how would we fix it? How do I make this horrible yearning for you go away? How do I shake the dreadful feeling of knowing that my best friend is no longer just a phone call away? We don’t even know each other anymore. How do we find a way to fall back together just as easily as we fell apart?
I hate that it probably can’t be fixed. I am hurt that you will probably never again be a huge part of my life. It hurts that when I threw my first housewarming party at the home my fiancé and I just bought, you weren’t there. That when I look around on my wedding day at all the faces in the crowd, it will hurt just as badly then as it does now to find that yours may not be there. But what hurts the most, and what I’m most scared of, is that you probably don’t even care at all. I am scared that maybe you haven’t noticed my absence in your life, or that maybe you have, but it just doesn’t matter to you.
I’m not naïve… I know that you have by now replaced me. I am scared that you don’t look back on our friendship as fondly as I do. I’m scared that our lack of a future doesn’t hurt you just as badly as it hurts me. I’m scared that you don’t miss me as much as I miss you.
However, even if that is the case, I like to hope that we will find our way back to each other, no matter how unlikely that now seems. I will never stop caring about you and wishing you well in life. I will silently smile from a distant sideline as you go out into the world and kick ass.
You will always hold a special place in my heart, even though I may no longer hold one in yours. I will never stop looking back on our friendship fondly and will always only have kind things to say.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing is for certain, I will never find another friend like the friend I found in you. Thank you for everything. I miss you more than you could ever possibly know.
I’ve realized after some time,
that you can never fully make people
like you, and accept you
for who you are.
don’t even bother
some don’t even
get to know you,
or understand you,
for the interior
rather than the outer
parts that you show.
So stop letting yourself
get so caught up
in wanting so badly,
to impress people
who don’t deserve
You are worth, a lot.
And there will always be,
some, who are too blind
to see you for what you are.
In the end,
it won’t matter
because you do not deserve
having people in your life,
who can’t see you
for more than what
you choose to show.
Keen Malasarte, “This is my farewell to the friends that don’t live up to the name”
I just wanted my best friend back. The one that saw through my mask and tried to fix things, not make the pain worse. But I guess people do change and sometimes it’s best to accept that and walk away before the damage gets worse.