loser husbands

the signs as Equius Zahhak quotes
  • Aries: D --> For pete's goodfornothing di%xie whistling SA%ES, Nepeta
  • Taurus: D --> Fudgesicles
  • Gemini: D --> There are no %%ings up my sleeve D --> Also, I don't have sleeves
  • Cancer: D--> Is this where we embrace jocularly, as if we are "bros"
  • Leo: D --> :33 < *the e%posed belly commands to be scratched* *it commands it, do as it says*
  • Virgo: D --> Thank you, from the bottom of my ludi%ly powerful cardiovascular system
  • Libra: D --> This is f001ishness upon one hundred thousand prior, equally unsolicited f001ishnesses
  • Scorpio: D --> *Mr. Zahhak rolls his eyes, which remain concealed and a100f as ever*
  • Sagittarius: D --> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities D --> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities
  • Capricorn: D --> You gosh darned sillyface
  • Aquarius: D --> No
  • Pisces: D --> Sorry, my heart is galloping and I canter nunciate properly

New drabble cuz I haven’t done much writing lately

“Fenris Hawke.”

The name rolled off his tongue and left a pleasant tingling sensation in the pit of his stomach as his heart skipped a beat. His lips tugged upwards.

“Fenris Hawke,” he repeated, holding his hand out in front of him, fingers splayed and the gold ring glimmering in the low light. He flexed his fingers. Still there, a gentle pressure on his ring finger.

“Fenris Hawke.”

The world didn’t dissolve and crumble around him. Not even his ghosts could trouble him in that moment, lost in the background of the warm feelings welling inside of him.

Then another voice murmured, “Fenris Hawke.”

He looked around and smiled down at the man lying next to him, lying on his side and looking back up at Fenris. Garrett smiled back as his hand trailed over Fenris’ stomach and up towards his chest.

Fenris caught the offending hand and brought it to his lips, kissing the knuckles, palm and fingertips. Garrett’s smile widened.

“Fenris Hawke,” he repeated, voice rasping slightly. “I can definitely get used to that.”

Fenris chuckled, slinging the hand over his shoulder, slipping his own arm around Garrett’s back as he pressed against him, tangling their legs together.

“As can I,” he purred, grazing his lips over Garrett’s nose. “Thank you Garrett.”

“What are you thanking me for?” he chuckled, nuzzling against the crook of the elf’s neck affectionately.

“You know exactly what I have to thank you for,” Fenris replied flatly, but his smile remained, threading his fingers through Garrett’s hair. The mage chuckled, pulling Fenris closer.

“I think I could guess one or two reasons,” he murmured. “I can certainly think of a few reasons I’m grateful for you.”

Fenris smiled. There was no reason to speak of unpleasant memories for now, not when the moment was so perfect.

“I’m sure you can.”

Sassy Harry, Part 2

Part 1 here.


“They stuff people’s heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall,” he told Harry. “Want to come upstairs and practice?”

"No, thanks,” said Harry. “The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it — it might be sick.”


[In his first lesson with Snape]

“I don’t know,” said Harry quietly. “I think Hermione does, though, why don’t you try her?”


“— and you mustn’t go wandering around the school at night, think of the points you’ll lose Gryffindor if you’re caught, and you’re bound to be. It’s really very selfish of you." 

"And it’s really none of your business,” said Harry.


Lockhart cuffed Harry merrily on the shoulder. “Just do what I did, Harry!" 

"What, drop my wand?”


“You’re alive,” she [Myrtle] said blankly to Harry.

“There’s no need to sound so disappointed,” he said grimly, wiping flecks of blood and slime off his glasses.


“Got plenty of special features, hasn’t it?” said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. “Shame it doesn’t come with a parachute — in case you get too near a Dementor.”

Crabbe and Goyle sniggered.

“Pity you can’t attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy,” said Harry. “Then it could catch the Snitch for you.”


“You know your mother, Malfoy?” said Harry - both he and Hermione had grabbed the back of Ron’s robes to stop him from launching himself at Malfoy -

“that expression she’s got, like she’s got dung under her nose? Has she always looked like that, or was it just because you were with her?”


Professor Trelawney […] spent half the lesson telling everyone that the position of Mars with relation to Saturn at that moment meant that people born in July were in great danger of sudden, violent deaths.

Well, that’s good,“ said Harry loudly, his temper getting the better of him, "just as long as it’s not drawn-out. I don’t want to suffer.”


[After the champions see the maze]

“I’ll wait for you. Harry, shall I?” [said Bagman]

“No, it’s okay, Mr. Bagman,” said Harry, suppressing a smile, “I think I can find the castle on my own, thanks.”


Malfoy glanced around - Harry knew he was checking for signs of teachers - then he looked back at Harry and said in a low voice, “You’re dead, Potter.” Harry raised his eyebrows.

“Funny” he said, “you’d think I’d have stopped walking around…”


“Listening to the news? Again?”

“Well, it changes everyday, you see” said Harry.


“Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head.”


Narcissa Malfoy smiled unpleasantly. “I see that being Dumbledore’s favorite has given you a false sense of security, Harry Potter. But Dumbledore won’t always be there to protect you.”

Harry looked mockingly all around the shop. “Wow… look at that… he’s not here now! So why not have a go? They might be able to find you a double cell in Azkaban with your loser of a husband!”


“Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow…" 

"I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.”


"Some would say it’s your duty to be used by the Ministry!”

“Yeah, and others might say it’s your duty to check that people really are Death Eaters before you chuck them in prison.“


"Promise me you’ll look after yourself… Stay out of trouble…”

“I always do, Mrs. Weasley,” said Harry. “I like a quiet life, you know me.”


“And you’re supposed to be dying of spattergroit at the Burrow! If anyone shouldn’t go, it’s Harry, he’s got a 10,000 Galleon price on his head– “

“Fine, I’ll stay here,” said Harry. “Let me know if you ever defeat Voldemort, won’t you?”