lord of the rings

I invite my closest friends and family to a gender reveal party, but when I open the box with maniacal flourish instead of pink or blue balloons, a television screen is revealed.

I dim the lights remotely as we hear Cate Blanchett say, “The world is changed. I feel it in the water.”

Too late, they realise.

The pregnancy? A scam.

The Lord of the Rings editions? Extended.

The doors? Locked.

Consider: Hobbits unused to carrying swords, initially VERY unclear on when it’s appropriate to whip em out

Merry and Pippin have a disagreement over, idk, whether cake or pie is better and both draw their swords like ‘HAVE AT THEE’ 

meanwhile Aragorn in the background like, boys please, please boys those are sharp

10

What is a soulmate?
It’s like a best friend but more. It’s that one person that knows u better than anyone else. Someone who makes you a better person, actually..they don’t make u a better person, u do that yourself. They inspire you. A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever. The person who knew you and accepted you, before anyone else did. Or when no one else would. And no matter what happens, you will always love them. And nothing could ever change that.

ok so, for people who have seen the LOTR films but not read the book I’d like to share some things that are 100% canon:

- Sam Gamgee uses the word ‘boner’. In a song. Several times.

- he also writes a poem that contains the phrase ‘golden showers’. (this is actually in the extended cut but they changed it to ‘silver showers’)

- at one point after he’s defeated Saruman steals Merry’s weed & runs away

- Denethor has actual mindreading powers

- so does Faramir (but he’s a nice person so they manifest more as heightened empathy)

- Gandalf ALSO has mindreading powers but for entirely different reasons. he reads Frodo’s mind while he’s sleeping at one point, casually reveals this to Frodo, and Frodo’s just like ‘huh neat’

- rather than bravely drawing the orcs away from Frodo like in the film, in the book Merry and Pippin just kind of, panic, bolt into the woods, and run directly into the orcs’ arms.

- Merry then draws his sword and hacks a bunch of orc hands off

- Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli name themselves ‘the three hunters’ before setting off to rescue Merry and Pippin because they are dorks

- they also improvise a whole song about how much they loved Boromir

- Aragorn does not initially tell the hobbits he’s a friend of Gandalf bcos he wanted them to like him for who he is. im not kidding. he openly admits to this.

- i feel like this is fairly well known but, if you didn’t know Frodo is 50 years old and looks 33

- hobbits PROBABLY age different to humans so looking 33 in practice means he looks about 21

- in accordance with the above Pippin is the equivalent of a 16-17 year old human

- Pippin can pass for a human child and looks like ‘a boy of nine summers’

- this isn’t that weird i just think it’s really cute: Pippin has 3 older sisters and their names are Pearl, Pimpernel and Pervinca. 

- Sam & Rosie have 13 children. One of them is called Goldilocks.

- Frodo has another best friend. His name is Fatty. He stayed behind in the Shire to cover for Frodo’s absence and ends up getting jailed for months by Saruman’s forces.

- Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, who steals spoons, is also jailed by Saruman. (She whacked one of his goons with an umbrella.)

- Grima Wormtongue MAY have eaten an entire hobbit

- Saruman invades the Shire and turns it into a communist hell police state.

- the whole Tom Bombadil thing is common knowledge but if you haven’t read the book i guarantee you he is weirder than you think. 

- to give just 2 examples: 1) the whole tom bombadil arc provides the explanation as to how Eowyn and Merry were able to dispatch the Witch King

- and 2) for unknown reasons sleeping in his house causes everyone to have horrible nightmares… EXCEPT for Sam who has a peaceful and dreamless night. no explanation offered for any of this. 

In the Shire, ‘you’re not invited to my birthday party anymore’ is a devastating slight regardless of the age of the target

Frodo knows perfectly well that this is not the case anywhere else but continues to use it on non-hobbits due to its power to disorient & bewilder