lord retail

A woman is looking for a wedding cake topper. We just clearanced out a bunch of our wedding stuff to make room for some…. designer bullshit thing- whatever. No one really bought cake toppers from us anyway because the only reason you would do that here instead of at a wedding place is if you made the cake yourself, need a gag topper for a bachelorette party, or you are REALLY LAST MINUTE. 

But she needs one and we don’t have any in the usual place.

“I think we might have some in the clearance section,” I said, remembering that we’ve had one that’s been sitting in clearance even before we started clearing up that section. So I take her over there and look around for a bit. 

“I see Jesus, I guess I could use him.”

I have no idea what she’s talking about until she points to a little plastic king figurine from one of our toy sets. 

“That’s um…” She looks at me like if I attempt to correct her that she would correct me right back. “Nevermind.”

I found the cake topper wedged between a few other wedding things and she lets out a loud squeal of what I presume is meant to be joy, but at that pitch it’s very hard to tell. When her volume finally subsides, she takes it into her hands and says:

“Oh bless it, bless it! Look at what the Lord has Done. Look upon it and see how good The Lord is!”

And me.

My pagan ass. 

Is trying so hard to not snap back with- ah yes. The Lord. That’s who remembered the cake topper was in the clearance Aisle. Totally not the incredibly tired retail worker who has walked past it once a day for the past three weeks. 

Surely, this is The Lord’s Doing. 

The Lord REALLY wanted you to spend $15 on a cake topper. 

And that is why he sent me, godless heathen, to this very aisle. 

Every day. 

So that you could get your topper. 



“Dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains”

White Flint Mall, Bethesda, Md.

Built in 1977 it originally featured 125 stores. Now all but 3 are vacant. Part of the mall is actually demolished. Dave & Busters closed about 5 days before we got here. Walking through the place you get the feeling like you aren’t supposed to be here. Can’t be too great for the remaining 3 businesses.


Today I had a woman condescendingly say ‘good girl!’ as I caught her fish, like I was fucking dog.

Is being treated like a human being too much to ask, for a retail worker? lord.