lord ogre

6

Gotham Villains + Stabby Knives

Shreklings

I was 13 years old, and it was my freshman year of high school. I’ve always excelled academically, and I graduated middle school a couple years early. I was in gym class, reluctantly. Physical education was the only subject I never really took to; mainly because I preferred to read and write in my spare time. I always tried my best not to fall behind, but that didn’t stop the jocks and upperclassmen from making fun of me. Not only did they give me a hard time about my scrawny physique, they also made fun of me because of my passionate love and devotion for Shrek. I worship the Ogrelord, and I never kept it a secret. My designated locker was decorated with pictures of Shrek, and a small shrine that I would pray to during passing period. I carried an onion with me everywhere I went; for good luck, protection, and reassurance. As I walked into the gym that day, two of the upperclassmen in that period slammed shut the doors behind me. I jumped. “Ha, what a pussy.” Said the first. “What, are you afraid of doors now?” Laughed the second. Before I could speak, I was surrounded. “I think it’s time we teach this kid a lesson.” One started to chuckle. “You don’t belong here.” Said another. They began to shove me. I looked around in hopes of finding the gym teacher, but it seemed I already had his attention. He was glaring at me with a sinister smile. He walked over to me and my aggressors and began to laugh. “It’s rude enough being alive when nobody wants you. You never should have come here.” He stepped into the circle and punched me in the gut. I fell on my ass. “Dreck Farquaad scum.” I mumbled after catching my breath. I reached for my onion and held it tightly against my chest. I prayed to the Ogrelord. “Shrek, I need you.” There was a brief pause before the upperclassmen began to laugh. One had the audacity to begin, “Shrek is dre-” Before he could finish, I hurled the onion as hard as I could and hit him right in the dick. He fell to his knees. The onion hit the floor and began to spin as the rest of the upperclassmen began to attack me. In the split second before they reached me, there was a flash of light as Shrek erupted from the onion. The shockwave from the blast threw the students across the gym. Their bodies were like ragdolls being flung every which way, but the gym teacher and I were seemingly unaffected by the explosion. In that moment, aside from the moaning of the wounded upperclassmen, there was silence as the smoke began to clear. The shadow of Shrek began to form amongst the grey and the Ogrelord stepped forth from the unseen. He was beautiful. I almost couldn’t believe it: My hero was there, in front of me, in all of his glory. He was everything I imagined and more. His green complexion was like that of an angel, and his eyes were full of purpose and intent. Shrek approached the gym teacher and looked him in the eye. He ripped off his sleeve, revealing the mark of Farquaad. I knew it. “This is my swamp.” Shrek said firmly. The Fuckwaad tried to run, but the Ogre was faster. Shrek grabbed him by the back of the neck and threw him into the wall beside me. He removed his pants, releasing his fully eshrekt, leg-sized pulsating ogre penis into the stale air. It seemed as though this world was unworthy of something so perfect. “Prepare for the shrekoning.” Shrek grabbed his member with both hands, directing it towards the gym teacher. He then broke into a cold sprint, and the Quaad screamed. Before he could get up or evade, Shrek’s mighty penis found its way into his mouth. Shrek mouth fucked him against the wall, causing the back of his head to repetitively clash with it. The Ogrelord was conducting his will, and I had front row seats. The Quaad tried to bite Shrek’s dick off, but as he spit out the chunk of flesh, Shrek’s penis began to regrow and the lost ogre flesh formed into two smaller Shreks. The Ogrelord ripped off the Quaad’s dick, and began to fuck the bloody hole. He then preceded to get triple-teamed by Shrek and his minions until Shrek’s dick finally impaled him, from his mangina to his mouth, Shrek ran him through. He was like a shish kabob on the member of the Ogrelord. Shrek slipped the Quaad corpse off of his penis and glared around the room, eyeing the upperclassmen that hadn’t died on impact. “This is the part where you run away.” He warned. His voice echoed throughout the gym. The upperclassmen were in shock, unable to fully process what they had just witnessed. An 8 foot ogre stood before them, erect and steadfast. I had been waiting for this moment, I would have wanted to make them beg and suffer, but the feelings and emotions I had felt for so long had been completely ogrepowered by mercy and love. It was strange, like the ogre was emanating some sort of aura. Simply through his presence, Shrek taught me to forgive and to love my fellow shreklings. Though many do not follow the Ogrelord, we’re all children of Shrek. We find kinship in the Brogre community, but regardless of our differences and beliefs, we were meant to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Only the unfortunate souls possessed by Farquaad and Dreck must be extinguished. The surviving upperclassmen fled the gym, and my layers had been restored. Shrek approached me with a tender, fatherly look in his eyes after equipping his pants once again. He gave me another onion and a pat on the head. I gave him a big hug. He looked down at me, and said calmly, “It’s all ogre. At least for now. But brace yourself for the Shrekond Coming. Keep that onion handy lad.” I asked Shrek not to go, but it seemed as though his time here, with me, was ogre. “I’ll always be with you laddeh. I may appear to be gone for a time, but I’ll never really leave.” I felt reassured, and safe. I turned to look up through the gym window at the sunlight glaring in, and I felt warm. At last, I was content. I turned to thank Shrek, but he and his minions were already gone. Despite his sudden absence, I was happy. For at the end of the day I found that only one thing truly mattered. “Shrek is love,” I said. “Shrek is life.” Shrek is everything.