looks like a promisse

Dear Future Girlfriend,

if you are falling in love with me, it’s only fair, that you know what you are falling in love with.
You are falling in love with my insecurities and my obsession with trying to deal with everything on my own. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my tendency to be clingy and the try to keep a distance at the same time. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my mental disorder, my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could really love me.
But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile, when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings, not just because it’s sweet, but because you are the first thing that i think of, when I wake up. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and provoking things I say, and the way I blush, when people ask me about you.
You’re falling in love with the cheesy things I do for you. But to me the most important thing is, that you fall in love with me, the ‘real me’, despite my thinking that that’s impossible.
I don’t know how you’ll be, but i know you’ll amaze me. Whatever you may look like, I’ll think you’re georgeous. I keep my promisses and there is one promise I’ll make you right now. No matter what you’ve been through and what you’ve done in the past, no matter how many people left, no matter how many people you think can possibly understand you, I promise I’ll always be there for you, and that I’ll listen and understand as best as I can.
You’re amazing, whoever you are, and I’ll do my best to be whatever you need.
We will do all things I laughed at other couples doing before I met you. With you I’ll be a better version of myself. I’m sure of it.
But I’m scared too. I’m scared that I will give my love away to the wrong person, someone who doesn’t deserve it. That’s why I dream of finally having you in my arms. I want my love to be for you and you alone.
I hope you don’t mind that my mom doesn’t know I’m gay yet. I hope that you will stick with me when I can’t tell her about you, and that you will when I do. If you’re still in the closet too, I will be right there, holding your hand in there the entire way.
I think about you all the time. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve yearned to be with you. I want to take you to places. To beaches, to mountains, to cities. I want to go on adventures with you.
I want to hold doors open for you. I want to make something for you. I want to buy you flowers and candy and gifts. I want to play guitar to you. I want to be intimate with you.
I’m faithfull and I’ll never hurt you. You’ll be my world, and the only person I’ll try to impress. I’ll never hide you from anyone. And when we’re in public I’ll hold your hand, because I want people to know that you are mine and I’m yours.
Yeah, I’m not the prettiest girl out there and I have my many flaws, but I have a huge heart that I can love you with. I’ll do anything just to see you smile. And when I’m with you there’s you and only you. No other girl will exist to me.

And until that fatefull day that we meet, I am thinking of you, missing you and loving you.

your future girlfriend