looking kinda androgynous

Okay, so…

My HRT tranniversary is coming up on June 26.  That’s super exciting, but there’s also something subtly upsetting about that fact, and I wish I knew how to properly process it all.

I’ve said before that I’m often incredibly jealous of other trans women - probably to a dangerous degree.  There are those of you who haven’t even started hormones, or have only been on them three months or so.  You have amazing hair and gorgeous bodies and adorable eyes and shit.  It’s awesome and I’m so happy for you but I’m also jealous as fuck.

Even after a full year, I still get misgendered constantly.  I have a high amount of body and facial hair, my general look is pretty masculine, the hair on top of my head pretty much refuses to grow so I still have a huge bald spot, I have tits but my chubby stomach is bigger.  On a good day, I look kinda androgynous, if I’m really, really trying.

Passing is a goddamn myth for me.  I don’t know if it still qualifies as clocking when you still look like your old self 24/7.  My own friends and family can barely manage my name and pronouns sometimes.

I say all this not merely to complain (though sometimes it’s healthy to do so anyway) or to hate on all the beautiful trans girls out there.  I say it because I want everyone to understand that there is no standard narrative when you’re trans.  Particularly women like me who are unemployed and lacking in resources just don’t have the ability to immediately transform (a la Caitlyn Jenner).  We don’t get to be flawless goddesses.  Some days we’re lucky if we manage vaguely feminine.

My name is Amy, I’ve been on hormones almost a full year and you’d probably never know it.  Don’t let girls like me get erased.