hey so this is going to be a weird question and i know it being anonymous is kind of weird but how do you define sex and virginity? today a guy went down on me and i found myself wondering if im still a virgin and i really look up to you and was wondering your opinion. i think the hardest thing for me is that virginity is a social construct and i cant figure out why i still care
I really don’t have a simple definition for sex and virginity, and honestly I don’t want one. Virginity is a ridiculous concept. I was active in what would be considered a sexual manner years before I lost “my virginity” in the traditional sense of the word, and “losing my virginity” didn’t feel like much of a loss. Or a gain. Or anything. Just that I had experienced an additional thing. Like eating sushi for the first time or meeting someone I hadn’t known before.
I personally don’t put a high value on sexual acts, I say that as someone who hasn’t had a lot of sexual partners and has a pretty average sex drive. (Not that I shame people who have had a lot of partners, or people who put a high value on sex, or people who have a high sex drive.)
The truth is I don’t define these things because I don’t care. I really don’t. If I want to have sex with someone as long as I am not otherwise committed, and as long as I have consent, I’m gonna have sex with them. It really just doesn’t matter to me in the least.
I think people choose what they care about when it comes to intimacy based on what personally frightens them or exhilarates them more. Sex doesn’t frighten me or exhilarate me nearly as much as someone who can make me laugh. And that’s the truth for me. If I meet someone who can banter with me I’m much more flustered than someone wanting to do the do.
If this guy going down on you exhilarated you in a way you’ve never experienced before, that’s great! And you can choose what value you put on that! But make sure YOU choose that value. And if you enjoyed it, and you’re not hurting anyone, and it’s all consensual, have at it as much as you feel comfortable!
I really don’t have any answer for you, but I do have this thought: Have you ever considered that where you are in your sexual maturity is perfect for you right here and right now? What if tomorrow you woke up and you realized that you are absolutely doing the best you can, and you’re learning and experimenting and trying and that that is really hard! For craving intimacy, or not craving intimacy, for kissing, and touching, and trying, and really learning about what you like and don’t like? That you deserve to love yourself for trying new things in this world?
Because you do deserve to love yourself. And there’s nothing wrong with learning more about you.