End of year look back at my resolution of working out more and reading more.
I just wanted to share a special thing that happened this year.
I promised myself at the begining of 2016 that this year I would be more outdoorsy and work out more.
Well, I can say that this resolution was something that I struggled in the first few months, being with the snow and tough semeater at school.
It was around the end of March that I truly decided to really try to work out as i was very unhappy and dealing with a lot of pressure, stress, disappointments, loneliness, anxiety, and even a little depression.
Things were tough, but I started going to the pool, and this became my place, the place where I belonged. I had tried to force myself to work out at the gym with weights and running on treadmills and use other equipment, but I was very self conscious of so many other people there, and felt very uncomfortable.
When I was at the pool, no one was looking at me. I was surrounded by water and I felt protected by it. It was a personal thing, and no music to take me away from my thoughts. I could swim and at the same time, was forced to think about things that I was running from. For an hour, in the water, I was able to connect with myself and think about what where I was in life. I thought about where I wanted to be. And this helped me get my fustrations out. It helped me push through the difficulties of externalizing my thoughts, and being calm after.
I also wanted to share something personal that during my 2 years at college, I struggled to really focus on my studies as much as I wanted to, and trust me, I tried soo hard; I tried drowning myself with coffee to get motivation, going for runs, listening to music, etc and the efficiency rate of my retainment of information was really bad. I was wasting so much time, just trying to force this process. And honestly, studying and reading is a very hard thing, no matter the subject so know that to many, it will not come “easy”, but will be done with discipline and courage.
But to me, this discipline, instead of being so fearful, so dark and haunting, so undesirable, will become a lot lighter if you find the form of exercise that will externalize your dark feelings such as anxiety, depression, disappointments, fear, etc.
Your body plays a huge role in enabling the thoughts that allow you to succeed, and feeling great about your health is a major step in the positive direction of success.
Do not just focus on your knowledge because you will become drained and less efficient actually of lost time and effort.
You can INCREASE your efficiency actually by taking an hour out of your day to work out, which ever method makes you feel good, and let it take you on a journey that will change your life, as it did mine this year.
This will not happen in a month or a few weeks. It took me months of trying, being on the right path that I wanted to do, and I failed so bad in other weeks, where my dark thoughts came back and I was fustrated again, feeling like the old days.
In January, I started running 2 times a week, in Feb I started going out with the outting club at my college to hike and skii.
In March I started swimming once a week.
In April I started swimming two times a week.
In May, when I came home, I combined running and swimming and weights and as I started getting stronger, I ran once or twice a week, and swam twice a week.
In June, while juggling 2 jobs, and 2 summer classes, I swam 3 times a week until the end of August where I swam up to 4 times a week.
While I was so busy, I also had more energy and positive attitude to read more, and it was great. I got through 3 summer classes with straight As, I read more books from my Kindle, and lost weight!
In September, October and November, back in school I choose to live close to the pool, giving me more motivation to go there more often. Thus, I swam twice a week before classes and twice during the weekend, increasing my time and laps in the pool.
If you put in the time to take care of your body, it will reward you by giving you a boost of energy to focus more on studying.
In December, the stress of school and work slowed me down, and made me lose motivation a lot, until I decided to start again when I came back home. I just signed up for a Y membership to swim, work out, and use the sauna.
I lost about 13 pounds this year, but I gained the confidence I had missing for almost 3 years. I wish I hadn’t been so distracted these last 3 years in college to put myself first. I would buy clothes to make me feel more beautiful, but I realized how much more beautiful I felt after completing a great workout. I lost a lot of time to hanging out with friends, thinking their love and acceptance would help me cope with these dark thoughts. While friends are great supporters, they CANNOT be your main source of love and acceptance if you yourself do not give yourself that.
This year I saw a lot less of friends, but I gained an inner peace so valuable that I cannot describe. I also vlaued the time I spent with them more when we did spend time together, knowing I deserved a break from time to time to love others and let them love me.
A lot of this journey will be alone, and that is okay. You need to be alone to figure out who you are, what you want, and how much you can achieve.
You need so much time to dedicate only to your goals and dreams, but it will be worth it.
I shared my goals last year, this being one of them, and it helped me push through because I wrote them down and had others encourage me. I urge you to do the same.
I also had resolutions for other things that I didn’t achieve, but that is okay because I tried and I will try again next year. If you truly want something, you will keep on trying as long as possible. To be physically strong is a very powerful thing, and it will help you become a stronger person mentally, where you can show the world that you care about your health and are putting in hard work and time to do so.
This year was crazy, but I realized that you CANNOT give up on your own self.
Others may leave you, disappoint you, use you, manipulate you, ignore you, but you cannot give up on your own happiness because you are stuck with yourself for a long time and hating yourself and filling your head with dark thoughts will not make your time here on Earth easier.
Working on yourself will be a life long project, pushing forward and being pushed back, but progress is progress no matter how small, and trying to make yourself better and happier is worth more than anything else.
You are worth it, every single person on this earth, especially (little) girls who have been brought up with less expectations of achievements than their brothers or cousins or classmates.
You are worth the same opportunities of greatness, and happiness and responsibilities that any man could have.
Take care of yourself, and then start looking for these opportunities that will open once you put dark thoughts in the dark and let light and positive energy fill your soul.
Study hard and work out harder,
PS: I hope this post of my experience can motivate and help someone else in their journey. I appreciate posts on tumblr where a lot girls support and encourage each other, and I can say that no where else on the internet had it been so strong and part of my life. I love talking to you guys, sharing our perspectives, goals, struggles and experience so please message me if you need/want.
-pent’s forehead bleeds whenever smack is arround. In episode 30 when he is first introduced his forehead is seen bleeding and he says “ Don’t pretend you’re not here, I know you’re here. Come and get it smack!” And in the 50th episode his head starts to bleed right before smack appears.
-pent causally brings up shelby when gay spaghetti chef talks about how he likes his god like powers in episode 44 asking if she’d like that. It is quite clear that pent is trying to deny shelby’s death still
-smacks voice is heard when the letter is read to gino “if you’d rather be ruled by someone you hate, give khonjin this piece if you’d rather be ruled by someone who hates you- dont” (ep 49) It’s quite clear at this point that pent seriously hates gino
-When gino gives the letter to khojin, the image that is shown appears to be part of the poster image for supermental (ep 49)
-gino appears to have some connection to smack as in episode 50 while being punched by pent gino said “ANYTIME SMACK” before he appeared shortly after
-smack is hired to do something for dadjin in episode 40- the hiring was originally started by gino before it dadjin took over
-In episode 15 the quote “Have you’re husband ever made love” was said, and in episode 50 later appeared on the screen shortly before “hER MOVE, A NEVER DEAD SELBY UAVOU?”
-Pent seems to switch between being pixel art and being flash animated- seemingly when he separates from khojin he is freed before khonjin freezes him, then he returns back to pixel
-Pent is the creator of the khonjin house universe.
-In episode 37 pent says “Would you believe your not the only illusion who wants me dead?” When gino points a gun at him. He could be referring to smack- but as smack comes from the same universe as pent i cannot be certain. It is heavily implied that pent is taking about someone else from the khonjin house universe. Dadjin is a good suspect considering he hired Smack to do something
-khonjin and pent are never seen at the same time until episode 50 when they were split- implying that they shared a body
-pent is first seen laying on the floor, blood leaking from his head- presumed to be a gunshot wound.
-considering that pents head bleeds whenever smack is arround- it could be assumed that the wound was caused by smack
-Conner has said that pent and smack were once best friends, however when smack and pent interact it appears pent is irritated at him as if he did something
-the thumbnails of the videos seem to use more bright colors until the last two seasons that use a dark red and back- possibly representing the darker tones the series gets by the end (maybe im reading a bit too into it)
-Whenever shelby was mentioned on conners tumblr, he’d always reply with something about supermental- meaning more will be revealed later
ill add more to this post as i find more things out about the series.
We already had accepted the fact that you had gone Home…
Though our bonds through Time, did not weaken in the least…
Is it really possible for you to come back…?
The truth is, you never really left.
And that somewhere in Time, we are all fated to meet again.
This pending comeback has had me reflect on all the years that has passed. It might sound fickle or childish but this show came and left me during a time of really painful moments…moments that lead me to who and where I am now.
Moments that opened and closed a lot of doors for me. Memories that still challenge me ‘til this day.
That’s why…maybe that’s why hearing about its release has had me emotional. For many fans it might be the fun and games of dueling that has lasted this past 20 years. But for the lost me, the game and the friends I met through it was an added bonus (but in no way much less). As Atem was finding his way back Home, the questions he had regarding himself, regarding who he was and who he is, and who he can be…the purpose and wisdom behind every moment, every memory… all that struck a mighty chord in me.
So now….this. This makes me look back, and reevaluate myself again. In this journey of coming and going, arriviniving or returning…