A/N this has been linked to tumblr before and then deleted. It’s such good fun though and it’s in need of an edit (cos it was like the third multi fic I ever wrote) so I’m reposting it!
Reid x reader
“Guys I’m out. Going without sex or orgasms for this long is not worth a grand or the bragging rights in my opinion,” Emily handed her two hundred dollars to Derek with a defeated look on her face. “Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a very handsome fella over there that just offered to buy me a drink. I’m fairly certain he’s gonna be taking me home tonight.” She downed her drink before sauntering across the dance floor to where a dusky haired male had been sat intently watching her for the last hour.
“So it’s just Y/N and Pretty Boy left,” Derek grinned at the pair of you, adding the money to the envelope already containing his own and Garcia’s buy outs.
“You just wanna give in now Y/N?” Spencer looked over at you, a smirk on his face.
“Nope. I’ve got this. I can beat you. I will prove that guys need sexual intimacy more than girls.”
“Oh Y/N come on. We knew it was a long shot any of us beating Reid, but if it was gonna be any of us then it was going to be Prentiss just because of her sheer determination. Just give in now, I saw you eyeing up that bartender.” Morgan raised his eyes at you, glancing over to where the hot bartender was leant over restocking the chillers. Oh my, he had a nice ass. You could definitely sink your teeth into that. You’d bet he had something nice he could sink into you as well.
Reid shifted in his chair, following your glance and leaning into you whispering, “Do it, do it, do it.“
You punched him on the arm, glaring at him.
“You’re not helping Spencer.”
“I’m not meant to be helping, I’m trying to win here. Plus, which one of you was it that paid that escort to come on to me when we first started this little bet?”
“No idea what you’re talking about,” you averted your gaze to the ceiling.
What? It had been the only way you’d initially thought any of you could beat Reid.
Now it’s not like you were suggesting that the only way he could get laid was with a hooker. In fact when this whole thing had started you’d been as surprised as the rest of the team when Spencer had wanted in, you’d all kinda assumed he was a virgin, shocked when he’d revealed that actually his numbers were not that far below your own.
You’d just thought that if you could crack him first, then the rest of them would be easy pickings. So you may have contacted a local escort agency. May have suggested she come on to your friend and colleague and just pretend she’d noticed him across the room. May have offered to pick up the tab for whatever else happened afterwards.
Yet Spencer had recognised her as someone the team had questioned in a local case before you’d joined the team.
This had all started three months ago when Garcia had shown you all that ridiculous story of the 27 year old sex addict who gone along to a group therapy meeting, only for it to end up turning into an orgy.
You’d all laughed finding it hilarious initially until Emily had said, “And let me guess. It’s a man.”
“What makes you assume it would be a guy?” Derek had been offended on behalf of his gender.
“Statistically speaking it is more likely to be a male. Only 12 percent of women have openly admitted to actually being addicted to sexual activities,” the genius of the group had pointed out.
“Yeah but for it to turn into an orgy there had to have been some women in that group right. Other wise wouldn’t it have just been a load of guys beating themselves off together,” Derek stated.
“I agree with that. There had to have been some women there right? But you can bet it was the men that initiated it. Women find it easier to take care of their own needs without guys, whereas men prefer to have their needs taken care off by another person.” Emily’s come back had had you shaking your head, just waiting for Reid’s next comment.
“Actually, that’s not true either. Studies show that men and women have pretty much the same statistical preference when it comes to either engaging in intercourse with another person or masturbating alone. Around 65 percent of both sexes prefer sex with someone else as opposed to doing it alone.”
“And where do you stand on that preference Spencer?” You saw an evil glint in Derek’s eyes, him spotting an opportunity to make Reid feel uncomfortable.
“Depends what mood I’m in. If I’m feeling lazy then I’ll do it myself. If not then, I find someone to assist and to share pleasure with.”
You’d all turned to stare at him then, everyone’s jaws dropping.
“I’m not a virgin you know. Just cos I don’t come into work bragging about who I spent the weekend doing like Morgan or Emily do, doesn’t mean I’m not actually doing it.”
“Nicely said my friend, nicely said,” you held up your hand to him and he high fived it, a slight grin on his face.
“Hey, what about Y/N? She does it too. We all watched her walk of shame the other week,” Morgan looked directly at you and you shrugged.
“I don’t go into explicit detail like you though. And neither does Garcia.”
“Yet you two were happily discussing what new ‘toys’ you’d bought the other week.“
"What’s your point Morgan?” You were failing to see where this conversation was going.
“I just don’t like the assumption that it had to have been a guy, who initiated the orgy. Women are just as into sex as men.”
“Yes we are my handsome chocolate muffin, but I bet we could go longer without it,” Garcia patted Derek’s arm before looking around at the rest of you. You were all sat at around JJ’s desk, minus Rossi and Hotch who were at a lecture off site.
“You’re on then,” Morgan offered his hand out to Penelope who just gawked at it confused.
“Yep. Because I don’t think you could. So we’ll have a wager shall we. Which one of us can go the longest without any sexual activity.”
Penelope thought for a second before declaring, "I’m in. If these guys are.“
And so your little bet was born. You’d all agreed to be 100 percent honest with each other, and although you’d agreed never to profile each other, this was the one and only time you’d all allow it.
The rules were clarified, no sexual activity with another person and no self relief. Kissing would be allowed, but nothing further than that. The stake was set. Two hundred dollars from each of you, the winner taking the pot as well as bragging rights.
“Just to check…… Is this just sex with a member of the opposite sex? Or are we saying that all sex is off the table?” Both Spencer and Derek’s heads quickly turned in your direction, and you spotted a smirk on Emily’s face.
“All sex, regardless of gender….. But when this is over, please feel free to have as much girl on girl action as you like and to fill me in in explicit detail.”
“Haha not a chance Derek, what me and my lady friends get up to, stays between us,” you replied hearing him groan.
Penelope had been the first to cave only four weeks in. She and Kevin had been on a break when the bet was originally made, but now they were back together. She walked into work one sunny morning, an even brighter smile than usual across her face and a floral scarf round her neck despite the rising temperature.
She’d taken one look at us all staring at her quizzically before digging into her purse and pulling out four fifty dollar bills, sheepishly handing them over.
Derek had lasted another five weeks, him becoming increasingly cranky at work. It was hilarious watching him shifting uncomfortably whenever Garcia discussed her previous nights antics with Kevin.
Emily had suggested that you both wear skirts to the office the following day in order to break him, and so you both rocked up in tight fitting A line skirts with long slits up the side, finding every reason possible to have to bend over in front of him.
By the time he’d left for the day you’d both been certain he was going to explode. He sent a group text four hours later, a photo of himself lying next to a hot redhead.
And now three weeks after that Prentiss had declared defeat and from your view across the room it looked very much like she’d be getting her fix within a matter of hours.
You really wanted to win this, but you were also very, very frustrated. Sure you could cheat and go home and browse through a few choice videos on porn hub whilst having a good old intimate chat with your friend Ryan (Reynolds not Gosling, yes you’d named your rabbit. What of it?) but you knew you wouldn’t be able to hide it from the rest of the team the next day. As good a profiler you were, you were a horrendous liar when it came to personal matters.
But now it was down to you and Spencer…….and although the boy wonder had surprised everyone with his confession that he wasn’t a virgin and actually had had an arrangement with a bartender he’d met on a case, he’d already gone eight months without it and didn’t appear to be struggling at all.
Where as you weren’t used to going a few days without at least having a chat with Ryan. Poor old neglected Ryan, gathering dust in the back of your drawer. You’d make it up to him when this was over, maybe even buy him a friend to keep him company.
An idea sprung to mind,“Guys what if this was a draw?"
"What so you both admit defeat now together. That’s no fun. If you do that then it doesn’t prove anything,” Morgan shook his head at you.
“Oh come on, we’re long past making a point now.”
Garcia’s eyes suddenly lit up and she pulled Derek to her, whispering excitedly into his ear, a grin spreading over his face.
“Baby Girl I love it. But they are so not going to go for it.”
Spencer’s eyes narrowed at them, “Go For what exactly.”
“Trust me kid, what she’s suggesting is way out of your comfort zone. No way will you be down for it. Y/N maybe but not you. You just don’t got it in you Kid.”
“Haven’t got what in me?”
You watched the two of them wondering what the hell was running through their sadistic little minds.
“Penelope was suggesting that we change the bet now it’s just you two left…..And instead it becomes a contest to see which one of you can break the other.”
“Break the other? Why would I want to break Y/N? What would I even be breaking, I don’t understand.”
You did, you knew exactly what they were getting at. But you weren’t going to say anything….. Yet.
“Break her newly regrown hymen Reid,” Derek chuckled.
“Hymens don’t regrow, that’s a myth. It doesn’t matter how long a woman goes without sex it doesn’t grow………… Wait what?” he spluttered as his brain finally processed what Derek and Garcia were suggesting.
They fell apart laughing.
But…… It wasn’t actually a bad idea. And it would be seriously fun. You’d formed a friendship outside of work with Reid, but that definitely didn’t stop you thinking he was hot. And watching him getting flustered was the most adorable thing ever. And it would save you having to go out and find someone to fuck when the was all over. You could remain professional at work. It would just be sex after all.
“How would that even work? Like I have to convince Y/N to go to bed with me? Or she convinces me to go with her?” Reid interrupted their laughing and your train of thought and now it was your turn to exclaim.
"Essentially yes,” Morgan clarified when he’d regained his composure.
You and Reid looked at each other, each wondering what the other was thinking.
“Oh guys, it’s no secret that you two like each other. That night we played truth or dare….. You both admitted it and we’ve been waiting patiently for something to happen between you…. But you’re not giving us anything!”
Ugh, you’d drank so much that night it was a wonder your liver had not demanded removal from your body. And you’d been so embarrassed the next day when you recalled some of the questions you’d been made to answer, but also pleasantly surprised at some of the answers Spencer had given. But nothing had ever come of you admitting your mutual attraction to each other.
“So would we actually have to do the deed with each other? Or just get the other to admit that they wanted to? And how would you know which one of us won?”
“Either one is good with us, although of course you actually doing it would be mutually beneficial…. Especially after all this pent up sexual tension. And we’d just have to rely on you being honest with us.”
You took a deep breath turning to your friend. Were you going to regret asking this?
“What do you think Spencer? Think you can wear me down? I’m game if you are.”
You turn your snapback around on your head and put your helmet on, you grab your skateboard and your dog’s leash.
“There’s my favorite man!” You grin as he comes trotting towards you. “You ready to go Harry?” You ask the Australian Shepherd now sitting at your feet. You lean over and he gives you a kiss. You chuckle and grab his harness and strap him in it and hook his leash.
transitioning is magic. sitting around looking at my face and counting my chin hairs (3) and thinking look at this handsome fella & seeing myself topless for the first time in a long time where my first thought isn’t immediately ‘i want to die’ but ‘i can work with this’
rick and morty:a rickle in time & mortynight run sentence starters
**this meme contains very strong language that is definitely not safe for work! be warned!!
‘ you have dropped so many balls, man. ’ ‘ what kind of monster of you? ’ ‘ the whole point of freezing time was to stop giving a fuck. ’ ‘ who cares about the thing you guys are talking about. ’ ‘ it means relax and stop being a pussy. ’ ‘ and away we go! ’ ‘ i missed you so much. too much to hug you, though. ’ ‘ why don’t you go get a free sundae ice cream. ’ ‘ here’s $500 cash in unmarked monies. i’m just gonna put it on the floor and kick it on over to ya. go nuts. ’ ‘ sweetie, is your shirt on backwards? ’ ‘ think for yourselves. don’t be sheep. ’ ‘ yeah, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the universe can be. ’ ‘ you really dropped the ball, man. ’ ‘ shut up, you vindictive little turd. ’ ‘ you shut up, you big female asshole. ’ ‘ hey, don’t shove me! ’ ‘ oh man, i don’t feel good. am i me? i think so. ’ ‘ wait, who said that? ’ ‘ don’t move. don’t speak. don’t think. ’ ‘ we’re exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker… we’re entirely hypothetical. ’ ‘ cold stone creamery is the best. ’ ‘ what should we do with our remaining $20? ’ ‘ there’s no time to hold me accountable! there’s no time. like, literally no time. ’ ‘ eventually, everything either is or isn’t and we’ve got about 4 hours to be ‘is’. ’ ‘ whatever the question is, the answer is: i’m amazing. ’ ‘ that hurt! that was painful! ’ ‘ good, i’m glad it was painful. you deserve it! ’ ‘ what the hell do you have to be so uncertain about? your brand of zit cream? which chair to sit in while i do everything? come on, spit it out! ’ ‘ as i’m concerned, you’re a piece of shit. i can prove it mathematically. ’ ‘ actually, let me grab my white board. this has been a long time coming anyway. ’ ‘ so let’s save the measuring for when our dicks are out! ’ ‘ so in conclusion: you’re a mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. ’ ‘ and i honestly can’t tell you apart half of the time because i don’t go by height or age, i go by amount of pain in my ass which makes you both identical. ’ ‘ all right, everything resolved? everyone nice and certain about their position in my world? ’ ‘ the son of a bitch is gonna kill me! ’ ‘ diabolical, unfeeling sociopath. ’ ‘ we’re outnumbered! get in the cupboards! wait– don’t do that, they’ll know. think about getting in the cupboards, but don’t really. ’ ‘ is this what you want, you sick fuck? ’ ‘ you son of a bitch. you don’t stop living until i say so! ’ ‘ i think it’s certain we’re f’ed in the a. ’ ‘ we put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy! ’ ‘ can somebody let me out of here? if i die in a cage, i lose a bet. ’ ‘ you’re a walking burlap sack filled with turds. ’ ‘ you know, words hurt. ’ ‘ i would’ve been happy to pay for it, but they don’t exactly sell them at costco. ’ ‘ you’re never gonna see anything again, you little dummy. you killed us! ’ ‘ i’m okay with this… be good. be better than me. ’ ‘ i’m not okay with this! i am not okay with this! ’ ‘ oh, sweet jesus, please let me live! ’ ‘ shut up. the last time you felt something, we all almost died, you little… piece of shit. ’ ‘ are those chokers from the 90′s? what is this, a 90′s nostalgia thing? ’ ‘ whoa, jesus! what the hell are you doing here? ’ ‘ –i guess i remember that. wow. and you’ve just been here the whole time? amazing. ’ ‘ well, look at this fella. aren’t you handsome! ’ ‘ you know, this seems a little shady. ’ ‘ i go around and i do my business in public because i’m not shady. ’ ‘ listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call. i have no code of ethics. i will kill anyone, anywhere. ’ ‘ you sold a gun to a murderer so you can play video games? ’ ‘ if you spend all days shuffling words around, you can make anything seem bad. ’ ‘ you kind of wasted your thirties with that whole bird-watching phase. ’ ‘ hi, i’m sorry, but i think there was a misunderstanding. i’m an adult and would like to go home, please. ’ ‘ you’re enjoying this? don’t you feel a little patronized? ’ ‘ wait, did you fuck with my seat settings? ’ ‘ yeah, i said it. some stereotypes are based on fact. ’ ‘ whatever you wanna do, you little punkass, little bitch. ’ ‘ you are not like other carbon-based lifeforms, you put the value of all life above your own. ’ ‘ shut the fuck up about that! this isn’t a musical number. this is a fucking operation. we gotta be cool and fucking lay low. ’ ‘ number one is me, asshole! you’re supposed to be my friend! ’ ‘ two things i want to make clear to everybody in this room: never betray me, and it’s time to go. ’ ‘ how do you feel about all of these people who are being killed today because of your choices? ’ ‘ if you want to leave just walk out the front door. you think you’re being kept here against your will? that would be illegal. ’ ‘ can’t blame that on the dog… talk about silent but deadly. ’ ‘ alright, i’m done. ’ ‘ take your fart to its hole and say your goodbyes. ’ ‘ i’m gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat (INSERT NAME HERE). that’s my new word for shit because of todays events. ’ ‘ so, did you guys make out a little bit? is he gonna send you a postcard? ’ ‘ at least all the death and destruction wasn’t for nothing, you know? ’
“C’mon little boy, it’s time to go to the
grocery store. We need to buy some stuffs, right?” You took your 3 months old
son, Connor, from his crib and put him in the stroler. “Time to go for a walk,
You got out of your small house in Limerick,
Ireland. After Harry left that night, you didn’t want to stay in the house you
two shared. You’re not even sure if you could stay there. That night you packed
everything you had and moved to your best friend’s house for a few weeks. But
the thing is that word got out that you and Harry broke up and honestly, the
least you wanted was to be chased by paparazzi. So you moved to Limerick - a
small town in Ireland that your cousin lives -, changed your phone number, your
email and deleted every social media you had. You just… Dissapeared. Bought a
house close to your counsin’s house and have been living there since.
8 months after that night, you had Connor. A
hadsome baby boy that even in such a young age, already looked a lot like
Harry. Harry. You haven’t heard from him since that night. You never tried to
talk to him and not even wanna know anything about him and since you decided to
disappear from his life, you’re not even sure if he ever tried to talk to you.
“Hello, Y/n!” Mrs. Waters said as you passed in
front of her house.
“Hi, Mrs. Waters.” You smiled at the old lady
that helped you so much when Connor was born. She was your neighbour and was
the one who tought you how to take care of your son.
You waved at her and continue down the street,
to a little grocery store owned by Mr. Waters. As soon as you got in there, the
old man welcomed you with a hug.
“Hi darling, I was expecting you here. Today
the shop is almost empt, so no noise to wake little Connor. Just some lady with
her daughter. Both adults.”
“Thank you, Mr. Waters.” You gave him a smiled
and started to look for everything you needed.
“Mom, it’s this the sause you wanted?” That
voice. You could recognize that voice everywhere. “Y/n?”
You turned around to be met with the girl with blonde hair and that looked so
much like Harry.
“Gemma.” Your voice barely above a whisper.
“Gemma, why are you taking…” Anne stopped as
soon as she saw you. “Y/n?”
You just stayed there, looking at the two of
them. Gemma was the first to look at the little baby in the stroler, her eyes
filling with tears.
“He’s… He’s my nephew?” She asked and you nod.
Anne and Gemma got closer, to look at your son.
“Oh my gosh, he’s so cute and handsome. Hi,
little fella, it’s me, grandma.” The word brought tears to your eyes. They
looked so happy to meet little Connor. You could imagine how happy they would
be if you had the chance to tell them before. But aparently Harry did.
“Y/n, can we talk?” Gemma asked nervous. “We
know what Harry did to you, but he’s very sorry. He came back to your house a
couple of days later and you were gone. You disappeared and he never could tell
you how sorry he was and…”
“Gemma.” You whispered, asking her to stop.
“What are you guys doing here?”
“Can I hold him, please?” Anne asked, already
crying. You nod and she took the small baby in her arms. “What’s his name?”
“Harry is in town.” Gemma told you with
pleading eyes. “Do you think that maybe he could meet Connor and talk to you?”
“I can’t do that, Gemma.” You were scared about
the conversation you two would have.
“Please, Y/n, give him a chance to apologize.”
You’re not sure how you ended up in front of
the house that the Styles were staying, but you did and now you’re starting to
regret your decision.
“He’s gonna be so happy to see you and little
Connor.” You looked at the baby boy in your arms, holding him tighter to you.
Gemma took the stroler of the car, but you didn’t want to let go of your son.
Right now you were pretty sure the only thing keeping you from passing out was
the little boy in your arms. And Gemma and Anne realized that. “Ok then, let’s
You followed them, getting more nervous with
each step you gave.
“What if he yells at me again?” You voiced your
fear. “I can’t deal with that again, Anne.”
She looked at you with sad eyes, probably
knowing what happened that night.
“He misses you. He isn’t the same since you
left. You’re the love of his life and he made a mistake that made him lose you
and your baby. He’s not gonna risk do it again.”
You nod and got inside with Gemma and Anne.
Your could hear chatter from the living room and you could recognize Harry,
Robin, Louis, Liam and Niall’s voice.
“The boys were supposed to visit Harry today.
As I told you, he’s not the same and it took us all a lot to make him go back
to his life. He’s still acting and singing, but he still isn’t the same.” Gemma
whispered to you. They followed the
voices and you were right behind them, using the two women and Connor as a
“Hey, you guys are back!” Robin said, not
noticing you behind Anne and Gemma.
“Hey boys.” Anne smiled softly. “Harry, we
brought someone you would like to see.”
And then the both took a step aside, reveling
you. It took a few seconds for Harry to notice you and tears filled his
eyes as soon as he laid his eyes on you
and your baby.
“Y/n?” He whispered, getting up and coming in
your direction, but stopping when you gave a step back.
“Well, I think you have a lot to talk, so let’s
give them some privacy, right?” Anne took everybody from the room and you could
hear the front door closing a few seconds later, indicating they went out,
leaving you with Harry and Connor.
“Your mom convinced me to come here… Maybe it
was a mistake, I should go.” You said turning around.
“It’s a boy.” He whispered. You turned around
and he was full crying now, watching the little baby in your arms.
“His name is Connor.”
“Connor. I like that. Can I… Can I hold him?
Please.” He asked.
You handed him the baby and Harry smiled to
your son. That beautiful smile that you missed so much. God, seeing Harry now,
right in front of you, made you realize how much you actually missed him.
“Hey little guy. You don’t know me, but I’m
your daddy.” Harry looked at Connor like he was the most precious thing in the
whole world and that brought tears to your eyes.
“Y/n, I-I-I…” Harry looked at you, the agony he
was feeling clear in his eyes. “I’m so sorry for that night. I can’t even start
to express how sorry I am for saying all those stupid things to you. I am a
terrible person, I really am.”
“It’s ok Harry, I’m not mad at you. You just
didn’t want us and that’s ok.” You looked away to try and hide the tears
falling down your face.
“I did! I did want you and our son and I still
want! I got scared, Y/n. I was scared I wasn’t going to be good to you and
Connor and I panicked and said all those things. But I didn’t mean it, I swear.
Babe, please, look at me.” He was in front of you, holding your chin to make
sure you were looking at him. “I love you so much. And I love our son, very
very much too. I was an idiot and there isn’t a day where I don’t regret that
night. I’m so so sorry for everything I put you through. Just… Do you think you can
give me another chance to prove to you how much I love you and our baby. How
much I want our family together and how much I love you both.”
“I don’t know, Harry. You left and Connor and I
we have been doing fine without you. I don’t wanna agree with this and have you
leaving us later in the future.”
“I won’t, babe. Just give me one chance to
prove it to you.” He pleaded.
“We can take things slow… You can be in Connor’s
life for starters. The rest we can decide in later on.” You smiled.
“Yes, yes, yes! Thank you so much!” He gave a
kiss on your head and looked at the boy in his arms. “You heard that, little
guy? We’re gonna be a family. Daddy won’t ever loose you again.”
And watching Harry talking to Connor, you knew
he would keep his promise and that you all would be a happy little family very
Omg lisa now I need to hear the story of you telling your 92yo grandma about Larry 😩😂 What did she say???
SO, last year I was playing Chinese checkers with my gram and my phone lit up with a notification. I closed it out and left my phone there. At the time, my wallpaper was this manip of Louis and Harry. Here is how the conversation went
Gram :Who’re those boys? On your…*wildly gestures to my phone*
Me : Oh…Um. That’s Harry and Louis.
Gram :Friends of yours?
Me : *valiantly tries not to choke* Uh, no. They’re in a band I like.
Gram : He *points at Harry* looks like a fella I used to date. Handsome face.
Me : *Whistles* Well, look at you!
*We go back to playing checkers*
Me :So…Ha, fun fact. They’re gay. Like, It’s - They’ve been together for years.
Gram :*Doesn’t flinch* I’ve gathered that from the picture, dear.
Me : …They have matching tattoos and everything.
Gram : *Continues to play checkers* That’s lovely.
Me :*Bites my tongue as to not unleash six years of receipts*