1. Imagine how you’ll look in tight clothes. No rolls no shame.
2. You’ll be delicate and small. No longer will you be the fat ugly friend.
3. Collarbones. Imagine having them to touch instead of just looking at them in thinspo.
4. You’ll have a thigh gap. No more chafing and no more disgusting fat just oozing off your legs.
5. Watching the scale go down every day instead of watching it go up and feeling disgusting.
6. Your sister will envy you.
7. Your friends will be jealous of your self control and tiny body. They can preach self love while secretly hating themselves all they want. It won’t matter because you’ll be thin and beautiful.
8. Thin hands and tiny wrists.
9. Delicate ankles and small calves. No longer will you be an elephant.
10. When you walk it will be virtually silent. People won’t hear you coming a mile away with disgusting hippo footsteps. You will be tiny and quiet. A shadow and a whisper.
11. People will ask how you got so thin. Oh they’ll be envious but none of them are strong enough to reach their goals.
12. For once you will be in control. No more binging, no more hunger after already eating. You will be powerful in your decision to achieve your ideal body.
13. You won’t be too embarrassed to draw yourself.
14. You won’t have to only date fat people.
15. In a relationship you will always be tinier than your partner. They’ll be able to pick you up and twirl you around.
16. People will give you piggy backs instead of you giving them.
17. Never again will you be too heavy for something.
18. You won’t be dictated by your fat anymore. Whatever you want, wear it! Everything looks good on thin.
19. Imagine how cute you’ll look in lingerie. Lace will just accentuate your tiny form.
20. Getting naked won’t be embarrassing. Let them stare. You’ll be beautiful.
21. It won’t always be unrequited love. People you didn’t have a chance with as a fat girl will love you. People need to get past the outside to see the inside. Nobody will bother getting past a disgusting fat outside.
22. Wearing makeup will be fun, not embarrassing.
23. You will be your own thinspo.
24. You’ll spend way less money on food. Food is temporary and a waste of cash. Instead spend it on games and clothes.
25. Looking in the mirror won’t make you want to break it.
26. A flat stomach is cute and tiny.
27. Your face will look thin and dainty. No more double chins and disgusting fat cheeks .
28. When people take pics of you it won’t make you want to cry. You’ll be the pretty one.
29. You won’t have to keep your hair short. Long hair won’t make you look like a greasy land whale.
30. Girls will envy you instead of pity you.
31. You’ll be the smallest person in your family. No longer will you be the fattest.
32. People will whisper about how thin you’ve gotten.
33. You’ll be light like a feather.
34. Food won’t control you. Eating is a necessity, not a crutch.
35. Think of bony shoulders. You’ll be defined and delicate instead of a shapeless mass of fat.
36. You’ll be able to count your ribs.
37. When you bend over people will be able to see the ridges of your spine. No more flubber.
38. You’ll have a tiny cute butt.
39. Thigh high socks will fit and look adorable.
40. Boots that travel up your calves will actually fit.
41. Shorts will look good on you.
42. Carnival rides won’t be embarrassing. The bar won’t touch your stomach. If anything they’ll worry you’ll slip out. You’ll be able to ride with anyone because your weight is barely anything.
43. Seat belts will fit easily. No more embarrassing struggle to strap yourself in while people silently judge you.
44. Any style will look good on you. Experimenting with fashion will be fun and interesting. Your body won’t hold you back.
45. You’ll be in the underweight category instead of the overweight one.
46. Your father won’t be ashamed of your weight. Your grandmother won’t keep getting shocked by how fat you’ve gotten. Instead she’ll fuss because you’ll be too thin.
47. There will be a huge difference in your before and after pics, and you’ll be proud.
48. You’ll finally get to fit your aesthetic. No more being ashamed of how you look. You’ll be the cute nerdy book girl instead of the fat gamer nerd slob.
49. Instead of eating you can follow hobbies like painting your nails, doing makeup, drawing, writing, and walking out in nature.
50. If you want some fun you’ll be able to hook up with someone of quality. No sloppy seconds. You’ll be first choice, not oh-my-god-never.
51. In a romance novel you’d be the beautiful thin one, not the tragic never loved fat one.
52. Shopping will be fun. You won’t have to keep looking for bigger sizes. Large will be too large.
53. If you want to you can shop at places that don’t carry plus sizes and be able to fit.
54. Changing rooms will be roomy and you won’t feel squished. Looking in the mirror to see how you look won’t be a disappointment.
55. You’ll fit in tiny spaces. No more bumping into walls when you go by.
56. Your breasts will be small and perky instead of fat.
57. Rings will look cute on your bony fingers instead of squeezing them like fat sausages.
58. The scale won’t make you want to cry.
59. Nobody will recognize you. They won’t be able to believe you went from whale to skinny.
60. Choker necklaces will look delicate and dainty on your neck. You won’t have double chins getting in the way.
61. Your jawline will be defined and sharp. No longer will you be soft edges and squishy fat.
62. You’ll be the pretty one.
63. Guys will actually like you instead of think you’re a blob of disgusting fat.
64. People will date you.
65. When you’re measured against other girls you won’t be the ugly one.
66. You’ll be able to love yourself.
67. At Halloween parties you can dress however you want and look good. No more ghosts or pumpkins.
68. Onesies. Just imagine.
69. Guys will chase you instead of you chasing them.
70. It will be okay to have something nice to eat every once in a while because you’ll be a pro at staying in control and if you do gain half a pound you can lose it just like that.
71. You could be princess carried without breaking someone’s back.
72. It’ll be “You’re so skinny” instead of “You’re not fat”.
73. When you’re at the gym you’ll be the one making people jealous and embarrassed.
74. Your feet will look delicate and dainty when wearing heels instead of like fat blobs.
75. Thinspo blogs will use your picture as thinspo instead of reverse thinspo.
76. ‘Cute’ will be the first word to describe you, not ‘nice’.
77. People will be concerned. Maybe they shouldn’t have called you fat and ugly all those years. Oh well, now you’re thin and beautiful.
78. You could be a model.
79. Crop tops will make you look cute, not fat.
80. No muffin top.
81. At family gatherings your snobby relatives will be blown away by how beautiful you’ve become.
82. Your exes will wish they’d never let you go.
83. You’ll be able to pull of cosplay like a pro. You won’t be the fat version of everyone you cosplay.
84. Every day will be exciting because you won’t hate the clothes you wear or looking in the mirror or stepping on the scale.
85. Shopping for a prom dress will be fun. You’ll look like an ethereal goddess instead of a sausage roll.
86. You’ll be able to pull off a bikini.
87. Going swimming won’t be embarrassing. You’ll be able to wear a sexy bikini without feeling like a joke.
88. You could wear baggy clothes and look stylish instead of like a slob.
89. You could wear your boyfriend’s shirt and nothing but panties and it would be the hottest thing he’d ever seen.
90. People will stare because they can’t believe you’re so beautiful, not because you look like you just crawled out of a gutter.
91. Unhealthy food will taste gross.
92. You’ll have a small stomach so when you eat small portions you’ll still feel full.
93. Eating will become so unimportant sometimes you’ll actually forget to eat instead of binging like a pig.
94. You’ll look like a ballerina.
95. If you’re eating less meat you’re helping the environment and saving animals lives.
96. No matter what else is going on in your life you will have control over your body. Nobody can take that from you.
97. Empty feels better than full.
98. Processed foods are extremely unhealthy. You’re doing yourself a favor by not eating them.
99. You’ll have so much more time and money if you’re not wasting them on food.
100. You will finally love your body.
☆Remember to stay safe. We want to be skinny, not dead. You can’t slay with a killer body if you’re decomposing six feet under. Be kind to yourself. Every pound is progress.
get up early. yes, it’s super hard. yes, it’s painful. but it will help you start your day with enough time to have breakfast and do your morning routine without being rushed.
eat breakfast!!! many experts agree that this is the most important meal of the day. it tells your body that it’s time to get up and start going. if you’re trying to lose weight, don’t skip breakfast. it’s actually beneficial to eat breakfast because your metabolism will be get going and be faster for the rest of the day! eat a healthy breakfast, though– you want to give your body good fuel. you wouldn’t try to make your car run on water or something, and the same principle applies to your body. try to eat some fruits or vegetables with your breakfast!
HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE!!! I get that you might feel nauseous in the morning, but force yourself to drink a glass of water. headache? drink a glass of water and wait half an hour before you take an ibuprofen. a lot of the time, you’re actually just a little dehydrated. if you can’t eat and are going somewhere later, grab an apple or banana and put it in your bag for later. while you’re at it, fill up a refillable water bottle and put it in there, too. try to drink throughout the day!
look at your face in the mirror. is it greasy? does it have dried things around your eyes? does your skin feel gross? did you forget to take off your makeup last night? wash your face! even if none of the above are true! the water will wake you up and it will help clear your pores from all the stuff that built up overnight.
now look at your hair. greasy? clumping together? when was the last time you showered or took a bath? unless you showered last night, get in there and clean yourself off. work that shampoo into your hair, making sure the parts near your head get all soaped up, too. maybe even wash your hair twice, if you feel like it. (I like how it starts to make squeaky clean sounds after two washes!) when you’re done, get out of the shower, blow dry your hair, apply lotion to anywhere that needs it, put on some makeup/chapstick/etc, and feel ready to face the day!
well, sort of. time to get dressed, right? check the weather on your phone. what’s the highest temperature for the day? choose your clothing length accordingly. look at your calendar and check what you’re doing for the day to decide whether you want to dress formally or not. personally, I check the weather and calendar and set out clothes the night before so that I don’t have to do as much in the morning.
check what you have in your bullet journal or planner so far and make a mental plan for your priorities. (you can write it down if you’d like!) make sure you have an idea of how you’re going to manage your time.
go outside if you can! getting outside light in the morning helps reset your body’s clock and get you back on track for going to bed at night. also, vitamin D is really important! doctors recommend that we humans get at LEAST ten minutes of sunlight per day, at least where I live! check the stats for your local area and try to meet that goal every day. if you can’t, ask your doctor if you should take a vitamin D pill every morning.
take your meds! if you’re on a cumulative medication, such as antidepressants, it’s extremely important to try to take them at a similar time every day so that the levels in your body can stay regulated so that they can do their best to help you. if you haven’t, take a minute to look at your med’s requirements so that you know how you should take it. some say that you should take it with food, and others say to make sure you drink a full glass of water when you take it so that it can dissolve properly. whatever the requirements, try your best to meet them so that the meds can best help you!!!
another thing that can help you wake up is a little bit of exercise. you don’t have to run a marathon every morning– you can even just do a few simple stretches or yoga poses every morning. anything will help!
Can you PLEASE PLEASE write something with ace Tony who is actually afraid of sex and doesn't wanna have it. Ever. But he wants a loving relationship so bad it almost hurts. (it could be stony or tonyrhodey or winteriron? just no poly, please) Thank you!!
i would kill for ace!Tony fic where he tries to push himself into sex and in the last moment, when he is already in bed with someone he’s like “no, i can’t, please stop” because he literally can’t do it.
can you write asexual tony?
Ya’ll had such similar prompts that I mashed them together.
:) I think I’m gonna go with winteriron! Kind of went and did a no-power AU but
Tony’s still a rich CEO. (I took ‘already in bed with someone’ to mean ‘about
to have sex’ and not literally be in a bed.)
If you’re wondering why Bucky seems like such an asshole in
the beginning scene, it’s because he thinks that Tony is actually straight and
just using him as an experiment to sate his curiosity. This would hurt anyone,
of course, but especially a bisexual former soldier with self-esteem issues
because of his prosthetic, so he’s got a bit of an itchy trigger finger when it
comes to being hurt. (Also self-destructive tendencies are a symptom of PTSD.)
He also makes poor decisions when it comes to his mental health.
Also congrats this is REALLY FUCKING LONG. So watch out for
Kissing Bucky was good. Great, even! Tony liked kissing. He
even liked making out. Especially when Bucky tilted his head and licked into
his mouth at just the right angle. Tony whimpered into the kiss, clutching at
his shoulders. He hadn’t expected that saying he was a little (a lot) out of
practice would actually make Bucky want to kiss him more!
He couldn’t help the yelp that escaped his mouth when Bucky
grabbed his ass with both hands and squeezed. “Buck-!”
“Your ass is amazin’, doll,” Bucky drawled, dipping his head
to kiss and nip his neck.
Oh. Well, this was okay too! Tony didn’t mind having a
hickey or… several. He kind of liked that it showed everyone that he was
Bucky’s. Even if he did usually have to cover them up, he knew they were there, and it was a good feeling. And he did have a great ass. He was aware of
that. Hell, there were fan sites dedicated solely to his ass. He supposed most
people wanted to get a handful of it. And it wasn’t… terrible.
Tony tilted his head back and whined quietly at a
particularly sharp nip of teeth. “Are you trying
to make me look like I was mauled?”
“Yeah,” Bucky purred. “Dating six months and people still go after you. Gotta let ‘em know
Trini, Zack and Billy cracking up when they hear people gushing about Kimberly and Jason. Even after they’ve fallen from grace a little they’re still Popular Kids: Kimberly continues to be worshiped as the most beautiful girl in school and Jason’s got a new reputation as a Hot Bad Boy let me ride your motorcycle guy rather than All Star Quarterback take home to your parents guy
“Kimberly is perfect. She could punch my tooth out any day and I’d thank her”
“Is Jason a god? I think he’s a god, look at him”
because they’ve literally seen Kimberly with greasy hair pulled up in a terrible top knot, faded spongebob pjs and ketchup down her face as she attempts to win a burger eating contest she started, yes, so graceful, so elegant, and they’ve bore witness to Jason bleary eyed, struggling to put his shirt on right, with an awkward teen five o’clock shadow, and drinking cold coffee straight out of the pot and spilling it all over himself, yeah such a deity that one.
The school kids all see these two social Kings and Queens in their refined finished product in school, but what they don’t see is the utter Disasters they really are
their two boyfriends and girlfriend don’t mind at all though, they love their Burger Eating Spongebob Wearing Champion and Who Cares About Five of The Buttons on This Shirt Leader
hi i love your blog! basically i have a problem with describing characters... i have tons of inspirational boards on pinterest that help me gauge their appearance but i don't want my reader to assume everyone is beautiful, perfect, etc. is there any like prominent "ugly" facial features you can think of to make my characters more realistic looking? i don't want anyone thinking they're all models
Hi, and thank you! I’m glad this blog is helpful.
I can certainly give you a list things society defines as physical imperfections, both for face and body. Keep in mind that appearance is mostly subjective – what one person finds attractive another could think is butt-ugly. So just because you give your character one or more of these traits doesn’t mean they’re not attractive to other characters, if you need or want them to be – adding an imperfection just prevents Mary-Sueism.
- eyes set too wide apart
- a runaway chin (meaning they don’t have a defined chin)
- a big/hooked nose
- a too-sharp nose
- a large forehead
- a double chin
- eyes set too close together, which makes the face look broader
- crooked/rotten/missing/discolored teeth
- too-thin lips
- a chin that juts out
- too-light eyebrows or eyelashes (if you can’t see eyebrows or eyelashes, it makes the eyes look too wide and kind of scary)
- dark hair follicles, so girls’ legs or guys’ faces never look completely smooth
- greasy/frizzy/damaged/dead hair
- extra body fat
- being too skinny
- stretch marks
- physical handicaps
- skin tags
- a lot of body hair
- ugly feet
- pudgy hands
- sweating too much/having an unpleasant body odor
- oily skin
- dry/ashy skin
- freckles (I personally love freckles, but some regard them as flaws)
- skin conditions like eczema, rosacea, and plaque psoriasis
I hope this helps! If you need anything else, please feel free to ask. - @authors-haven
you first met jungkook when you heard the sound of a moving truck beep its way into the driveway next to yours
now u were always a child of adventure
ur parents worked a lot so it was basically u at home with ur grandparents and they were the most chill motherfuckers on the face of the planet
and the front door of ur house always seems to be unlocked so u were the poster boy/gal of “adventure is out there!!!”
cue me ugly crying that movie kills m e
u loved the outdoors and being adventurous
u were so tomboy and reckless it was hilarious
u drove every single member of ur family insane
they got called into school one time to u staring at the ground in the principal’s office next to a kid with a missing tooth and bloody nose
“he tried to hug me”
to summarize, u loved causing trouble, but have fun in the midst!
and yes, meeting new ppl!!
and at dinner, u would hear ur grandpops and grandma talking abt the couple moving in next door
and how they have also have a 6!! year!! old!! son!!
and u could barely keep ur head on the pillow that night bc omg! you can’t wait to have a new friend the same age as u!
so on that beautiful sunny saturday morning, at exactly 7am sharp, with ur scabby knees, bruised legs, ripped shorts, mismatched socks, run-down light up sneakers, and ur older brother’s hand-me-down power rangers sweatshirt, you marched on over to the driveway to meet your new best friend
and u see a middle aged man and a beautiful woman trying to carry in a couple boxes together and u guessed those were the parents
and as u were marvelling at how pretty they were, “man, if they look that good, how good does their son loo–”
“MOM, DAD, HELP IM STUCK IN THE SOFA!!”
u have no idea what came over u but u almost tripped over the tall weeds trying to get into the truck and find the source of the voice
you went straight to the yellow, flower-y sofa resting in the middle of the truck, with little boy limbs sticking out from under the cushions
u ran up and ripped them away and low and behold, u laid ur eyes on the most beautiful 6 year old there ever was
and from then on, ur heart decided to plant its FUCKING BOTTOM with jungkook forever
from the first day he met u he literally believed u were the weirdest person he’s ever met
but without a doubt, you became childhood friends
like best friends
u saw him naked for the first time when u were 8 and just bursted into his shower at like 8am in the morning
“Y/N WHAT THE FUCK GET OUT IM NAKED?????”
“omg it’s so smALL?”
he didn’t speak to you for two weeks after that
your grandparents would always have him over for dinner
you guys played make believe together and took naps in ur power ranger blanket together
but it’s also a lot of bullying
LOTS OF WRESTLING
taking turns making ugly faces, whoever laughs first has to go and tell ur grandma they pooped their pants and needs help changing it
“accidentally” slapping each other SUPER hard in the face
“you had a fly on ur cheek sorry!! couldn’t help it!!”
literally the purest and most innocent friendship ever ever ever
everyday in first grade, when you had reading time, he would be in the seat behind you and fold a tiny little paper plane with a sticky note and throw it at you
would keep folding them and throwing it at you until you noticed and turned around and yelled at him and got in trouble by your student teacher
“i hate u jeon jungkook”
you didn’t really
but it wasn’t until the third or fourth time he kept doing it that you realized there was a message on each of them
and they weren’t really anything cute
they were just like
“hey notice me”
“your hair looks greasy from the back”
“what book are you reading”
“don’t ignore me”
“am i being annoying?”
but your favourite was
“i’m glad you’re in my class”
because he would rarely ever show affection to you because your relationship was made up a lot of the “we don’t need to say anything to know it”, meaning you never needed to straight out express your gratitude to each other for the other to know that you’re appreciated
main point is you grew up together
however, after like the fourth grade
you both somehow decided that you were too cool for each other despite the fact that your crush on him was still there
there was something so mesmerizing about the fact that
he never truly ever demeaned you as a person??? like yes he was a tease and you guys always did those things to each other
but for a kid, he was always somewhat of a gentleman and would never make fun of you to deliberately hurt your feelings
unfortunately doe, in middle school, your group of friends completely changed
and although you guys sort of had the same status in school of being popular but very, very laidback, and your groups of friends acquainted with one another, your interactions would be saying hi, making small talk when you were with a handful of other people and smiling at each other as you pass by the halls
back then, you would walk home together every single day and spend time doing homework in the bedroom of one of you two
but as the grades went on and the workload increased, you found music and student council and volleyball whereas he found track and basketball and dance
his family went through troubles and he found it difficult to talk to people at times
and you were so busy with finding a job and saving up for post-secondary that you spent after school with your clubs or in the library studying
timing and interests for you guys were extremely unparalleled and eventually, things just grew apart before high school began
now, reader, entering high school, you only had one rule: forget. about. jeon. jungkook.
and it wasn’t like he was being a dick or anything to you, you just didn’t find any way that you guys would work out anymore
despite being best friends and literally showering together when you were 7 and your parents are best friends, you just never ever have proper conversations anymore, and things just naturally got awkward
and also life lesson for u guys omg so philosophical what it wasn’t anyone’s fault, you guys just happened to no longer have the same interests or the time to notice each other anymore - people drift apart. it happens.
and you were so okay with coming to terms with that
“oh my gosh is that jeon jungkook?”
“he… grew muscles?”
“giRL HIS HAIR”
“puberty hit him like a freight train???”
the morning of sophomore year, after a whole first year of properly avoiding him and being absolutely sure that he wasn’t going to get hot (jungkook is juST A LATE BLOOMER OK LEAVE HIM ALONE), you turned your head to the front doors and felt the wind get knocked out of you
bc walking in with his friends, with the school uniform seemingly perfectly snug and hugging every one of his curves
and for some reason
yes he looked more mature and yes he got fucking MANLIER
but you were instantly reminded of something that clicked in you when you saw that 6 year old boy stuck in the sofa on the very first day he moved in next to you
was it that innocence? was it the charm? was it the hair-swept-away-from-face thing? you diDN’T KNOW
but girl you were gone again
you dated people in freshman year and guys liked you, but you were never the type to chase or to fawn
you were just different from other girls like you would much rather be the type to be the one playing ball than the one in a miniskirt cheering on the team on the sidelines
that’s just who you are, heck you fucking punched a dude that wanted to hug you and say thank you, broke his nose and chipped his tooth like kk y/n
it was just difficult for you to grasp feelings, truly, but for some reason, this guy has just got you so weak???
and for some other reason, jungkook and the reminder and memories of you guys as kids just hits you like a truck and you’re already head over heels once again
and you go into first period to shake off the thought of him but ofc!!! he’s!!!! in!!!! ur!!! first!! period!!! literature!!! ihml!!!
so you take the seat diagonally in the front of him to make sure you don’t get sidetracked in ur favourite class and drool at him the entire time
you were taking notes from the board, analyzing and reviewing the literary device and short stories before delving into the actual stuff in literature when you dropped your pencil and leaned down to grab it
when you saw an arm reach down first
and hand it to you
you looked up
and you guessed it
biTCH IT WAS JUNGKOOK AND he had such a warm and friendly smile
and you could barely say anything
because on one hand you were like oh i’m glad he still remembers who i am??? like ffs? but your other side is like oh my god oh my god oh my god
so weeks go by and every single day you feel such a burning sensation at the back of ur neck like fufufufuffufufu he’s RIGHT THERE
and jungkook isn’t that type to be extremely boisterous and loud and obnoxious even if he’s hot shit
so you weren’t worried about him bothering you whatsoever after that like that was a fluke, he was being nice, whatever, it’s done
a couple weeks go by and you’re starting to feel better now, thinking you’ve got this crush thing under control
silent reading time
you were just assigned a new book by your favourite author! and you couldn’t wait to begin the book reports on these
so you dove into the world of fire-breathing dragons and mystical knights and creatures beyond reality
when you felt a poke on your neck
and you had no idea what it was? you were so engulfed in the story that you just scratched and left it, not thinking twice
and then you felt it again
it took you a second, but it hit you
and it hit you hard
you turned your head around slowly and your heart was beating so fast
your eyes fall on a small pink sticky note, folded into a plane, dropped on your shoulder
you don’t even DARE LOOKING BAC K AT HIM BC U KNOW UR HANDS AR E SHAKING TOO HARD AND IF YOU SEE HIM YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DROP DEAD
so you open it, careful to make no noise in the silent classroom
and on the single sticky note it read:
“it’s good to see you again. i’m so so glad you’re in my class.”
you sneak a tiny glance back at the boy behind you, your face flushing with heat and memories
and from behind his book, he looks up and gives you the tiniest, warmest smile you’ve ever received
you folded the paper once more and fit it in your pocket and returned to your dragons and knights and witches, all the while smiling like a fool to yourself because maybe, just maybe, you didn’t really drift apart that much at all
hi guys!! so sorry for the late update, hope you enjoy thisssss:)
also side note: just because it’s valentine’s day (i mean i dont celebrate this) doesnt mean that you need a significant other! buy yourself some hershey’s, make some tea, snuggle up with a teddy bear and a blanket, and switch on some netflix. today is any other day, so don’t demean yourself and your experience with this day because of your status!
alsoooo don’t wanna get a little preachy but, in this au i kind of hint at the fact that the y/n or reader is someone very tomboyish and doesn’t really seem to find herself chasing after boys. in no way am i trying to vocalize the fact that just because you’re of a certain nature, your personality towards boys reflects that. this is just a fictional work of how one might feel (presumably me lolz) when realizing feelings for someone they truly loved at one point. just because a woman who is normally tougher on the exterior has a sudden soft spot for a boy does not indicate that she’s lost sense of herself or that she succumbs to a boy. just because a woman is a certain way because of a boy that makes her feel different doesn’t mean she is any less of a woman herself. everyone is obligatory to their feelings, and how women choose to express themselves sexually or emotionally to a man they love is their own personal choice as long as they are within consent and are safe. everyone’s decisions and behaviours in love are consensual and their own - that does not demean them as a feminist in any way, shape or form. remember that.
Warnings: Okay… So it starts of with SMUT - I know it’s weird to imagine yourself in Bucky’s body but I can’t see a way round it - there had to be a hand job. There’s also sexual content and swearing.
A/N: Well, riding on a wave of inspiration that hit me like a train yesterday here’s another big chapter from me. I hope this fic is still making you smile and want more?
After yet another awkward interaction with Steve, a cold shower sounded like a good option. You needed to calm down quickly, otherwise he’s only going to suspect something more serious is going on. And who knows how long you’d be able to keep up the pretences?
Physically - the cold shower seemed to help, but mentally - you still couldn’t shake off the constant dirty thoughts about Steve. Not sure how long this charade would continue, you needed to find a better way of managing your constant arousal. Maybe Bucky was right and you needed some release?
It was something he had done since he was small– smiley-face suns and stick figures– but he had kept going. He had learned cross-hatching and shadowing; depth, perspective, and color; patience.
Until age ten, until the letter, Dean had drawn himself a suit of shining armor, a dragon to slay. He had drawn aliens and ray guns and wings. They were adventures that he wanted but that he could not have.
When he first arrived at Hogwarts, he drew Nearly Headless Nick’s stiff collar in his notebook margins. He tried to capture the flick of sparks off Flitwick’s wand, Seamus’s singed eyebrows at supper, the owls swooping overhead.
He had never been away from home before for more than an overnight. He drew the gentle curl of his mother’s hair, gilded in sunlight. He had learned how to draw the shine and to pick out colors and bright glare on matte paper by drawing imagined plate armor. But he drew the light on his father’s (stepfather’s) (father’s) crooked glasses, his sister’s sparkly nail polish when they held hands crossing the roads. There were things he missed that he could not have.
Dean hid the sketches under his bed and showed Seamus his little comics about Snape’s greasy hair instead.
In the war, Dean holed up in hollows and friendly attics and Muggle pubs. He drew Umbridge the Toad, noseless Voldy confused by the last dozen plus years of wizardly pop culture, the Ministry of Magic with its fingers stuffed in its stuffy ears.
He drew Snape as Headmaster, his sneer easy after seven years of notebook margin practice. Dean drew the Dark Mark over London’s skyline and he left his work nailed up around Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade, Godric’s Hollow. He signed his name. He had things he wanted to say.
There were long days when he didn’t talk to anyone– walking old fields and long roads, sleeping in haystacks. There were long weeks when he only talked to strangers– passersby, shop owners, sympathizers, snatchers who he traded curses with.
He drew the Gryffindor Common Room, hearths all ablaze. He listened to Lee Jordan’s radio show on the crackling airwaves. He drew his little sisters, who had gone to France with his mother and father. He drew faces from the darkened boys’ dormitory– Harry’s long bangs hiding his scar, Neville practicing his dance moves for the Yule Ball, Ron asleep with his head on his thick Weasley sweater, Seamus grinning at him over a three a.m. game of cards.
Seamus had taught him Exploding Snap. Dean had taught him poker, gin rummy, go fish. Dean sketched in Seamus’s eyebrows as curling bits of smoke, laughed, and pulled his blanket tighter around his shoulders in the sympathizers’ basement where he was spending the night. There were things he wanted that he could not have.
When the snatchers caught him near Hogsmeade, they took his knapsack. They took his sneakers, his wand, his spare cloak. They burned his notebooks in the hearth of Malfoy Manor before they led him down cold stairs and left him in the dark.
It was a long few months where he saw no sunlight except for a few precious moments where the sun hit the high, angled windows just right.
Ollivander and Griphook were already there in the dark. Luna came later. Blonde hair in a tattered cloud, one earring missing, she thanked the Death Eater for holding the prison door open at her and drifted inside. Dean, for all they would remain friends for the rest of their lives, was never quite sure how much of Luna was just Luna screwing with people.
It was a long few months– Dean got them to give him some paper and pens eventually. Luna made papier-mâché earrings. Ollivander napped six hours a day and they all piled him high with their extra coats and blankets and socks. Dean sat for quiet hours with Griphook, drawing his wife as Griphook grumbled “what an ugly face– so full and smooth. My wife’s a beauty, you better draw her as such.” Dean sketched in a jagged cheekbone, a crooked chin and Griphook almost smiled.
When Dobby got them out, Dean had pages and pages stuffed in his pockets, clenched in his hands. He carried them out with him, into sea air.
Ollivander made them replacement wands with old hands and tools transfigured from driftwood and beach glass. Dean walked out to the water while he worked and watched the waves mumble along the stones.
His sisters were somewhere on safer shores, his mother’s hair all gilded with sun, his father’s spectacles shining. Dean had told them he couldn’t go with them, he couldn’t run.
“They called you Gryffindor,” his sister Ella had said. “Not stupid.” Little Jenny had been crying and so had his father. His mother had packed him a bag full of clean socks. The snatchers had tossed it in a ditch somewhere outside Hogsmeade.
Dean and Luna left Ollivander and Griphook at Shell Cottage and then they went to Hogwarts.
In the years that followed, Dean would draw the war. There were things he didn’t want to forget. There were things he wanted to dredge up from the sludge and splatter down on paper, hoping maybe to keep them from circling his head at night, wanting attention.
He drew the protective dome that rose up over Hogwarts, the candles in the Great Hall, Cho Chang’s face lit up from an Expelliarmus– tried to capture light, tie it down to the page. Dean had killed three people in the war– snatchers, Death Eaters on Hogwarts grounds– and he drew their faces over and over when he couldn’t sleep. He drew Neville’s face (tired, kind), Ginny’s glare, Luna’s gentle, distracted smile.
Dean didn’t draw the first glimpse he’d had of Seamus after the capture, the escape, the night he and Luna set foot on Hogwarts ground. It wasn’t something he could draw. Dean didn’t remember the light on his hair, his cloak sweeping over stone, new muscles, new scars, new inches of height–
Dean remembered standing in the Room of Requirement with old classmates and new students moving around him, both his fists curled tight into the back of Seamus’s robes, both of Seamus’s tight on his arms. He remembered the heartbeat thudding up the column of Seamus’s throat, where Dean’s forehead was pressed close. He remembered not wanting to let go. He remembered letting go.
Dean remembered coming back into the Great Hall after the battle and looking at the dead– at Fred Weasley, whose crackling voice he had heard on so many late cold nights; Nymphadora Tonks, who he just barely remembered from first year; Remus Lupin, who had made him feel smart in class; Lavender Brown, who Dean had danced with at the Yule Ball– but not Seamus. He didn’t see Seamus there. He was sick and guilty with gladness.
Dean didn’t draw the dead, after. Dennis Creevey made a book of his brother Colin’s photos. Dean sat down with a blank page, a good pen, and tried to draw Fred’s grin. There were things here he didn’t want to forget. He scribbled through half-done smirks and tangles of unruly hair he just couldn’t get right. He tossed the botched pages in the fire and, after a long moment staring at his fireplace and seeing the hearth of Malfoy Manor, Dean put his pen away.
After the war, Dean went on camping trips with Luna, watched her look for creatures that might or might not exist. They skewered meatballs and chopped vegetables and roasted them over fires.
After the war, Dean went over to have tea and jam at Griphook’s. He recognized his wife when Griselda Griphook opened the door and grinned up at him. His tattered old sketch was framed and hung in the front hallway. There are some things that survive the dark, that escape into the sea air, that come home.
When Dean went with the Gryffindor gang to go cheer for Ginny Weasley’s Quidditch games, Lee Jordan commentated in the stands, sending George over into fits of laughter, red hair shaking into his eyes. There were days when no one expected an echo of that laugh, when no one flinched at the absence– less and less rare as the years went on. Ginny flew, twisting into tricks that she’d taught herself on her brothers’ stolen brooms. They cheered.
Ollivander’s hands were old. All of him was old. Dean showed up for an unplanned visit one day and found him in the back, gathering up the phoenix feathers his shaking hands had knocked to the floor. Dean helped him gather them up, sat him down, then brushed the plumes out gently and laid them out on the work table. By the time he was done, Dean had a job.
Seamus was trying to learn how to cook and it was going about as well as spellwork ever had for him. “Dean could just draw your eyebrows on,” Ella told him sweetly when he and Seamus visited Dean’s family for dinner.
When Dean came home from Ollivander’s, the whole flat smelled like smoke. The windows were thrown open to let the sunlight and cold air in, so Dean didn’t unwind his scarf.
Seamus sat on the floor by the coffee table, eating Chinese food out of a take-out container with a fork. He looked up, his fingers greasy, his winter coat bundled tight, his shaggy hair gilded with sun.
“Hey,” said Dean. “Stay there,” said Dean and went to find a notebook, digging in his pocket for a pen.
You pointed a finger at Jax, cutting his words off completely. Your eyes flamed with rage. “Don’t.”
Jax let out a loud sigh. He knew he had messed up this time. “Can you at least talk to me?”
You swallowed hard and ran your tongue over your teeth as you contemplated what you would even say to him. Things had been tense with Jax lately, especially with all the shit going on with the club. But Jax had a crossed a line. When things hadn’t been going so great with you, Jax had sought comfort in the arms of another woman. You didn’t know her name, but you had seen her around. She was a new croweater, and she was all too happy to crawl into bed with your old man. Jax had been seeing her for weeks, apparently, and you had no idea until tonight. You had walked into Jax’s room at the clubhouse twenty minutes earlier, thinking you would apologize for all the fighting that had happened between the two of you lately. You wanted to make things right between you and your old man again, and you knew the first step was an apology. But all that sincerity bullshit blew out the window the second you opened the door to see him on top of that skinny bitch. In a moment of rage, you knocked everything off the top of his dresser, then you turned on your heel, slammed the door, and stomped away. Jax had pulled on his jeans and followed you down the hallway, begging you to stop. Now here you were, in the middle of the clubhouse having an all out screaming match.
“What do you want me to say, Jax?” you shouted. You threw your hands up in the air, exasperated beyond belief. “You’re sleeping with another woman!”
Jax opened his mouth to say something, but he knew there was nothing he could say or do that would fix things. So he closed his mouth and just let you yell at him.
“I mean, what the fuck, Jax?” you shook your head. You couldn’t believe any of this was happening. You noticed a few beer bottles scattered on top of the bar, and you considered lobbing a few at Jax’s stupid head. “We’ve been together too long for you to be pulling this shit!” You stared at the empty bottles for a moment, then you turned back to him. “How long has this been going on?”
“Y/N, I don’t - “
“Tell me, Jax,” you demanded. “Was it a one-time thing? Have you been screwing around with her for months? What?”
Jax sighed. “Y/N, don’t.”
“Answer the question.”
Jax’s jaw tightened. “It’s happened more than once.”
You felt your eyes stinging as the words echoed in your head. You clenched your jaw and looked into Jax’s blue eyes, both of you unable to speak. You threw your hands up and shrugged. “I’m done.”
“You look like shit.”
You glanced up to see Gemma staring at you, a look of total amusement on her face.
“Good morning to you too, Gemma,” you sighed. You had hoped you could sneak into the house you had shared with Jax and grab the rest of your things without it turning into some dramatic show, but it didn’t look like that was going to happen. Not with Gemma around.
Gemma had no idea you and Jax had split yet. It had been a few days now, and she was still in the dark about what had happened. Gemma loved you, and she especially loved that you were Jax’s old lady. You knew she was going to lose her shit when she found out you had broken up. She’d be even more pissed when she found out why.
“What’s wrong with you, baby?” Gemma asked, her face growing serious as soon as she realized you weren’t in your usual happy mood. She glanced to the living room, her eyes narrowing as she looked over the stack of boxes and bags haphazardly scattered about.
Jax had been calling and texting you for the last two days, ever since the night you found him in bed with another woman. You hadn’t answered a single call or responded to a single text. You didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. You were angry, and you were hurt. You didn’t care if you ever laid eyes on Jax Teller again. In fact, you were pretty sure you would be better off if you didn’t. There was nothing he could say that would change that.
“Nothing, Gem,” you answered, setting your purse down on the kitchen table. You didn’t want to have this conversation with Gemma.
“Don’t lie to me, sweetheart.” She took a seat at the table. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m fine,” you insisted, “I’m just tired.”
She glanced towards the living room again. “You heard from Jax lately? He won’t pick up his phone.”
You sighed. It was already clear Jax hadn’t told Gemma what was going on, and it was becoming clear that he had no plans to. You knew you were going to have to tell her the truth, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. You were like a daughter to Gemma. She had even been hinting at you and Jax getting married soon. She would be pissed with Jax as soon as she found out the truth.
“I haven’t talked to Jax,” you responded, not looking at Gemma. “I’m sure he’s fine.” At that moment, your phone lit up. Jax was calling. You hit ignore.
Gemma narrowed her eyes and stared at you. “Something you wanna tell me?”
“Gemma – “
You could tell Gemma wasn’t going to let this go until you told her the truth.
“Jax and I broke up, Gem,” you finally admitted. “A few days ago.”
You shrugged. “I thought he’d have told you by now.”
She stood, saying nothing more. She stomped her leather boot clad feet out of the kitchen and towards the front door.
You pulled into the TM lot, wondering to yourself if this was a good idea. Gemma had stormed away from the house so fast, you were sure she was on her way to kill Jax. While you knew he kind of deserved it, you figured you should probably stop her from doing too much damage before it was too late.
You entered the clubhouse to see it relatively empty. You turned to see Chibs standing off to your right. He had witnessed the demise of your relationship a few days earlier, and he knew what you were going through. “Hey, love,” he greeted. He walked towards you and threw an arm around your shoulders in a friendly hug. “It’s good to see you again.”
You smiled weakly and nodded your head. “Have you seen Gemma?”
Before Chibs had time to answer, Gemma’s voice echoed from the main office. She stomped her way through the clubhouse, bypassing you completely and heading straight for Jax’s room. You sucked in a deep breath and looked back at Chibs with a sarcastic smile. “Found her.”
You hurriedly followed Gemma down the hallway. You had arrived just in time to keep her from totally murdering Jax. She snatched open the door to Jax’s room. Jax was sitting on his bed, lacing up his shoes.
“Hey, ma,” he smiled. Then he saw you behind Gemma. He stood up quickly. “Hey, babe, I’ve been trying to call you all – “
“Don’t call me babe,” you groaned.
“What the hell, Jackson?” Gemma demanded. Jax’s face fell. “What’d you do to her?”
“Mom, this is really none of your business,” Jax insisted, stepping towards Gemma. You watched from the hallway. You had to admit, it was getting interesting.
“The hell it is!” Gemma retorted, “What the hell’s wrong with you?”
“Mom – “
You decided you had heard enough of the conversation. You walked away from Jax’s room and listened to their voices trail off as they continued to argue.
You turned to see Jax standing behind you. You had stopped by the clubhouse to grab what was left of your belongings from Jax’s room. You were sure this would be the last time you would every set foot in there, and you were determined to do it without running into Jax. He and some of the other guys were supposed to be on a run, but it seemed it had been cut short.
“Can we talk?” he asked, his voice quiet and unsure. He sounded tired, and he looked even worse. His hair was greasy as it hung in his face. His blue eyes looked sad. He had been beating himself up for the past two weeks over what he had done to you. He couldn’t remember now why he had ever started this thing with the croweater. It was toxic from the beginning. He already knew that before he ever let her into his bed. He ended everything with her the night you had caught them together. At the time, he had been in his own world, oblivious to the pain he was causing you. That night woke him up. It wasn’t an excuse, but it was all he had.
“What do you want, Jax?” you sighed. “I’m kind of busy.”
“I made a mistake,” Jax stated. He sounded broken.
You said nothing, turning your eyes back to packing the box in front of you.
He took another step closer to you. “Y/N – “
“Jax, just go.”
“Please – “
He turned and walked out of the room, head low and eyes to the ground. He realized he had messed up, and now he was grasping at any attempt he could think of to fix things.
Gemma approached Jax as he walked into the front of the clubhouse. He looked up at her, his blue eyes heavy.
“Won’t talk to you, huh?”
Jax sighed. “No.” He looked at the floor for a few seconds. “I messed up, ma.”
“I know, baby,” Gemma told him matter-of-factly.
Jax rubbed his hand down his face and let out a deep, shaking breath. “What did I do?”
“You lost the best thing that ever happened to you,” Gemma responded, giving Jax an all-knowing look. “Now what are you gonna do about it?”
Jax looked down at his feet. “I gotta get her back.” He shook his head. “I just don’t know how.”
“You’ll figure something out, baby.” Gemma told him, placing a finger under his chin and smiling. “You always do.”