look at me comparing myself again

Would never post this on any other site, honestly do not have the body confidence for that 🙈 it might not be a big change to some people. But when I compare the photo on the left from the start of summer, to the ones on the right, one from last night..I feel so much more happy about myself. For the first time ever I can say I’m proud of the running and working out that I have been doing. Don’t aim to be skinny and don’t want to lose my figure and I’m glad I have people in my life who support that and like me for how I look.
Although, probably just going to get fat again over Christmas 😂🎄🤶

A,

Hey, it’s me again… I know you don’t wanna talk to me… You made that very clear when I drunk texted you on New Years. You said you missed me too, but I don’t know who you were trying to fool. Because no matter what, I know you don’t. And god, it hurts, it hurts. Everywhere I look, every meaningless boy, or meaningless hookup I wrap myself in, it never compares to how I felt when I was with you. It could never compare to how happy I was to get a text from you, how happy I was to get to see you over Facetime, and see that crooked, yet seemingly perfect smile, and hear that near god-like laugh of yours. You said this wouldn’t work because of the distance. That we couldn’t be together because the distance, although separated us in a few hundred miles, really did separate us in heart. We started dating within one week of getting to know each other, we started sharing secrets under the silence of the moon, and when I told my parents about us, about you, they could tell that I’ve never been this happy since I was a little kid. Your smile was infectious, it was beautiful, the girl who refused to be anything other than sad was, for the first time in what seemed like eternity, happy. And then you broke, I don’t know what happened, it seemed to come crashing down the day you moved back home from college. I should’ve known, that when your texted turned from concerned and loving, to cold and distant that I should’ve left. I should have given you the out you needed. I should’ve gotten up and left, because that’s what you needed, and that’s what you wanted. I think about you all the time, I see you in every car passing by, which nearly gives me a heart attack, causing me to pull over on the side of the road, and it takes all I have not to crash into the nearest tree. Because Cherry Red Mustangs will be the death of me, because they remind me of you. And as stupid as it sounds, this life I have was better with you in it. And I wish you were here, I wish I could hear your voice again, and hear your laugh, and see the smile on your face when your cat does something stupid, and the small stupid jokes you would make. Because I found every flaw of yours completely and utterly beautiful, and if only you ever felt the same about me… But I guess I’ll never know, the distance is too far to travel with all this weight of what “could have been” and what “should have been” will forever tie me down to the same place. I will forever question my self worth, I will forever question why I wasn’t good enough, and I will forever question whether or not you actually loved me, or even cared at all.

Sincerely K, the one who won the “I love you more” game.

I Would Follow You Through Hell

I could take the warmth in your hand
And hold it deep inside of me
Pull apart the stitches and seems
Show me what your heart looks like

I would follow you through hell
Drag myself on the pavement
Let you take the pieces of my heart
Give you the promise I won’t leave

Shake the world in a new way
Drench it in lovely kerosene
Light a beautiful match
Burn the image into our hearts

Gold could only shine so bright
Compared to what you show
I would be your soul’s victim
And let my blood boil for you

Feel beautiful once again
Let me be the one to fall apart
I’m an addict for your taste
Heaven is empty without you

– M.E.A.

i can tell you about the demons that tuck me in every night, and how i lay awake with them, trying to fill this void in my heart with the loss of lost cause.

i can tell you about the way she touched my soul and not my body and how no one else tried to untangle the mess my mind has been in. but her.

i can tell you how i fantasize of never being heard of again because of the ache i feel deep in my bones and the dryness of my throat that can’t compare to the driest sahara.

i can tell you how i spill my feelings all into one text, and how i can’t get myself to send it, in fear of something. something greater than fear. rejection. how i see you happy without me, but happier with her.

the shock i got when i realized i made a mistake, will forever leave a burn on every place you’ve ever looked on my body and every place you’ve ever touched. the fire will burn and burn until someone else comes along, and puts it out. hopefully, that someone will someday be you again.

the final story i will ever tell is the story on how i wrote hundreds of poems to my ex lover, and how she would never read them. the poems about me being left broken on the bathroom floor, while i carve her name into the yellow tinted walls, asking the heavens why they wanted to collide two different worlds, who loved each other a little too much.

—  me ( stressed-kitten.tumblr.com )
5

Fatesona vs artist

Sooo I saw people (aka, Ronya in my case X’D) compare themselves to their fatesonas and decided to join in-
So…have my face that doesn’t really share any similarities with my sona. orz It would be better if my hair was open, but it’s being unruly today.
I will add in a colored drawing too as soon as I’m at the pc.

But well, now you know what that derp behind the art looks like.
Congrats. I will never show my face online again- I am not photogenic at all. orz
And, knowing myself, this will probably be deleted again in a few hours.

When I was little I’d always look out the window of the car on late night drives. It’s been forever since I rode in the back of a car at night and I finally got the chance to tonight. I did the same thing I did when I was little and looked up at the stars. It brought me back to when I was small. My worries sort of faded and all I felt was this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. The good kind. The kind where my heart felt like I was 7 again. Life was simple. I always thought to myself how small I really was compared to those stars. I missed myself. I miss the little girl I used to be with all those big dreams I had. I didn’t know depression or hurt. I miss being free from the stress life weighs on me now. I wish I could go back sometimes. But I keep learning.

Hey, it’s been a while since we’ve talked and I hate that. I wish we were as close as we used to be, I miss you. I read our old texts over and over again because for a little it feels like old times. I find myself smiling at your jokes, but then I start to tear up when I remember this is all in the past. Because in reality, we are just strangers with memories. You won’t even look me in the eyes. Staying up all night talking together turned into awkward silence. I don’t even know what to do. It’s you, it’s been you, and it always will be. Yeah I’ve met other guys, but they don’t compare to you. It was supposed to be me and you. We planned for a future. What happened? What made you decide I wasn’t enough? You once asked me if I thought we could work out. I replied, “I think if two people genuinely like each other, they’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. ” I guess you didn’t feel the same. Looking at our old pictures hurts. A lot. I think about you all the time and it hurts even more. Because how pathetic is it that I can’t get you off of my mind when you don’t even think of me? I saw her, she’s beautiful. I get why you chose her, she’s everything I’m not. A while ago I asked you what you would change about me if you could, you said you wished I was a little bit taller. I now wear heels all the time. You and I, we had so much in common, but also so many differences. I guess in the end you realized I wasn’t worth it. Wow, this is long. I’m sorry for rambling, this is embarrassing. Good thing you’ll never see this because I can’t work up the courage to hit send.
—  Text I’ll never send
3:31am
Confession

I’m too old for this shit. I’m too old to be self conscious about my looks. My forehead, wide nose, skin tone, my hair texture etc. But I am & I wish I wasnt. I would like to be ok with how I look in photos, & not be concerned with skin tone cause it’s not a compliment to be light. I’m ok whatever complexion I am compared to others. We’re all beautiful; & it doesnt matter what complexion I am & whose complexion I’m similar to cause I always get that wrong in my head & it shouldnt bother me the way it bothers me. It’s like I cant visualise myself if I cant figure out whose complexion I’m like (especially in media). Because skin forms the bulk of your body, & again that bothers me more than it should. It’s difficult for me to choose foundation etc. cause I’m always between two foundations & I’m bad at make-up. We need black owned cosmetics in my country.
Im also multiple tones & that’s fine. My head I think is my darkest part of my body.

I hate being diluted on phone cameras. Can some tech wiz create a phone camera which complement brown tones & doesnt wash it out. I want to be ok with the image I see of myself.

In real life I feel like I’m always a bland in between colour. I hate being a dull brown.

I never focus on my looks & I just realized it’s cause I dont work in a field where my looks are key. Cause if i did i would go crazy.

Beauty is a false sense of superiority just as it is a false sense of inferiority. It’s all false. I wish the superiority & inferiority could be switched off. & i may not feel either especially the superiority. Cause i feel guilty when i realise i feel that.

Could not be any more proud of this run. Last week I was looking through my running journals and comparing myself to how I was running my junior year xc (my fastest high school season). I found one particular run that stuck out to me: a 9 mile run that I had averaged 8:10’ mile pace. I honestly felt like I was never going to be able to accomplish a long run that fast again, but today on a long run with literally zero expectations because of the heat and because I ran lots of hills, I averaged 10 seconds faster per mile than I did two years ago. Never give up a goal; your body can achieve a lot more than you give it credit for.

I drew this weeks ago but never uploaded it. A little painting test of Toothless. Drawing feels strange and I really need to do it more often again. Not only are there a lot of image ideas I want to get drawn but I also want to improve : ( 

Looking at other peoples art and seeing their amount of output makes me both happy and sad at the same time. At the moment its rather discouraging because even though I know better I just keep comparing myself to other artists which is a big no-go if you want to get back on your feet again. 

I really hope to get back to the point where I am able to just draw stuff without worrying about the outcome or possible mistakes. I want to deliver quality stuff thats both fun to draw as well as inspirational or nice to look at at least. That would be nice.

SILLAGE || Evan x Lavender

“Merlin! Since when are you such a pain in the ass.” I muttered as she plumbed down next to me and started to rage like a complete fool. “Calm down..” I whispered and placed a hand on her shoulder with a small smile, for a moment she seemed calmed down, like she could just crawl against me. I knew she had lost many friends, nobody - including me - understood her sudden change of heart. My eyes shifted up when I felt someone burning holes in us and that was when I noticed Snape his almost deadly looking gaze. I still didn’t understand why that man was watching ever single step I took. And again she started to grump around nobody liked Snape at all, I didn’t know myself if I should or not. Actually he was rather nice to me if you compared his behaviour towards others. “Let’s go then.” I murmured and packed my stuff to follow her outside to walk to the lake and do our homework there instead. “What’s up with you lately tho, you’re grumpy non stop, almost aggressive.” But maybe I would find out anytime soon.

As usually I walked around the school in the early morning, trying to stay in shape at all times for quidditch before we would go ahead and train this morning. I heard some snobs near the forest and doubted just briefly before I made my way towards the sound. I could just be a spirit, we saw them often around here, but my curiosity was way too big to pass this. “Lavender?” I whispered whenever I reached the sound, she was crying, naked behind a stone, scars covering her perfect skin. “Hold on.” I whispered as I made a blanket appear and wrapped her up in it, only to carefully lift her up and bring her to her room, knowing we had all a small one for ourselves. “What happened?” I asked her as I carefully cleaned her wounds in case they would get infected.

2

A picture of me and the girls yesterday at lunch! When we first put it on Facebook, I wasn’t a huge fan of how I looked in the picture. SO I decided to compare it to a picture of me sitting much the same way from March of this year (2 months before I began my weight loss journey). While I’m not at my goal yet, my arms look so much tinier! My face is thinner! And I generally look a lot happier to see that camera than I did in March! Ha!

I’ve lost over 67 pounds, gone down 4 dress sizes, gone on a 5 mile mountain hike, and have fallen in love with myself again since that first picture. It’s been a pretty decent ride! :-D

3

Pre t. (First picture)

I started hormones on Sept 8, 2014
I had stop my injections on nov 21.

I started back up January 19. 2015

All together I’m 25 weeks on t.


Stopping was so hard.
Even starting up again. As excited as I was I still haven’t been able to look past the fact that I missed 11 weeks.
But here’s a compare and contrast
And a little reminder to myself that it’s okay and I’m still going.


Also im pretty sure i downsized
From mediums to smalls because I swim in this shirt.


Have a good day.

2

It was like 10203838484884848484 degrees in the gym tonight. I realized that throughout the day I did not drink as much water as usual so that caught up to me a bit. I still tried to work as hard as possible in Zumba without overdoing it. I forgot my ponytail holders today so it was a hair down, extra sweat in my face type of evening.

I was looking through old posts again and decided to use some of that motivation I once had to motivate me again in the present. I don’t need to compare myself to others or dwell on what I think people think I look like. Just gotta give my best whether that means a long sweaty workout or a rest day on the couch. Something feels a little different this week. (I know it’s only Monday) I think part of it is booking my flight home. I just would like to feel strong and confident as I go back and see people I haven’t seen in 9 months. I couldn’t be happier as to where I’m at physically (like location and job) and I would just like to be in a real good spot mentally too. This is a lot of rambling. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings guys.

It was a successful Monday.

I feel like I need to have watermelon for dessert tonight because it’s a day of the week that ends in a -y.

Tuesday- June 16th/2015

Today I got a unique note on a Nick Wilde shot, that his mouth shape looked like a hamburger…and it did.

This note was from the amazing Jen Hager! She is such an incredible supervisor, and on top of that, she was an animator that I looked up to when I was in school! In 2007 I was finishing my first year of college, and I found her demo reel online. I was BLOWN away, to say the least. In Canada, I felt disconnected to the industry, but finding her demo reel made me realize what other students were doing; it set a quality bar. I would watch it over and over again for inspiration and for educational reasons. I found it was easier to aspire to someone who was close to my age, and a student like me, because it made the goal obtainable. Comparing myself to Glen Keane, or Eric Goldberg always made me feel like I could never reach their level.

I still watch Jen’s reel, and better yet, I have the great opportunity of working with her and learning from her everyday! Check out her student reel here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlXGzUouqjE

Who’s your inspiration these days? Are there people in the industry, or students that you look up to?

When Paul Walker passed away I was devastated for a few weeks. I was so shocked and sad about his death..it definitely hurt the most compare to other celebs. Then I would remember that I still have Fast 7 to look forward too. After watching it Friday night the tribute emotionally wrecked me inside, and it made me realize I will never see this man in another movie again. Fast 7 was an excuse to myself that I will get to see another movie with Paul Walker, so it’s not goodbye, goodbye yet. Well let’s just say Friday night I actually had to do that when Paul Walker and Vin Diesel drove apart at the fork.


RIP Paul Walker. You really left a foot mark in my life. I’ve been watching you in movies since I was 10 or 11 years old. It’s been 13 years since then..and it’s definitely way too soon to say good bye.