look at me being all sustainable and shit

Horoscopes by Gil Hizon - Week of March 26 - April 1, 2017

Cease and desist, queen!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Bitch, the time for mulling and pontificating is OVAH! This week, you must make the decision that will change your life 4EVAH! Usually, I’ll be the first to tell you to follow your heart but ERRBODY knows that in this economy, that shit is easier said than done. There are consequences to your actions, whether it’s well-intentioned or not. Be strategic about your next maneuvers. You still gotta look out for yo own ass and not end up selling your “wares” at the corner of Highland and Lexington at 4AM in the morning.
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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

The key to brainstorming a new project is having pure intentions. Think of it like seeds, gurl. The healthier they are at the onset, the better that tree will look like. Of course, I’m not a fucking gardener so what the fuck do I know? What I do know, is karma, bitch. And the rules of karma is as follows: you will always get what you put in, and you will always get it two-fold.
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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Bitches should be angry at you for changing your mind too damn much. But I have to say, I have grown to respect your flair for flippy-flopping. It’s not that you’re scatterbrained, it’s just that you recognize that being passionate about a certain project requires your mind to be flexible and open to different ways of executing the damn thing. But gurl, not everyone is as accepting as me. You may have to explain your ways to other hos.
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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

And just like that, it would seem that your vision in regards to making your dreams come true snaps into fucking focus. It’s like you’ve been seeing images with a different filter and this week, you’re finally trying out Valencia. But think of it another way: maybe the key into figuring out the path to success is not using any filters at all.
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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’ve been spending the past few weeks in brainstorm mode and that’s all been great. But there’s such a thing as too much pontificating. The more you dwell in “what ifs,” that more yo ass will get confused and the more you’ll aggravate your investors. Find a stopping point in this brain exercise you’ve been immersing yourself in before you drive yourself and ERRBODY else mad.
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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’re a wise ass person with a lot going on. Why are you immersing yourself in this high-school-themed quandary? That shit is all beneath you, gurl. Maybe you’re experiencing a moment of weakness about a current sitch and it’s making you nostalgic about easier, podunk challenges you’ve faced in the past, but lemme tell you, queen: playing with fire, no matter how small, can lead to a flaming shitshow. And nobody got time for that.
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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

If you’re trying to build your new legion of fans, then badmouthing your former boss might not be such a good idea. Whatever your experience with that nasty ho has been, you are to keep mum about the details. If you have to fucking lie, so be it. And here’s where it counts. You’ll be the one singing your ex-boss’s praises while she be the one talking shit about chu. Guess who’d be more palatable?
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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

If there’s ever a question this week as to whether you have the bandwidth to put up with the shenanigans of your posse, the answer is a big fat fucking NO. I urge you to put your muthafucking foot down when your usually-fun-but-very-annoying-this-week bitches get out of line. You are not errbody’s mother and you are certainly not anyone’s doormat!
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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You would rather retreat in the shadows this week, and if it was any other time, it may be cute. But circumstances are such that there just ain’t enough manpower to get a project through the finish line. Look, queen, it’s okay to utilize the bare minimum of your part in the process rather than standing some bitches up. Like I always say, if you’re gonna shit on someone’s process, you bettah have wipes.
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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

This so-called “well-rounded” diet of yours may be making yo ass… well-rounded. Look, queen, it’s so easy to get tantalized by fads in the nutrition world, but in the end, there is no such thing as a quick fix. With any dietary journey, it’s best to stick to the basics. Simply put, the more you put bad shit in your body, the more your body will go to shit.
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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Look bitch. I know that you’ve been managing your well-being your entire life. I am proud of what you have accomplished by yourself without any help from other queens. But this mode of doing things on your own cannot sustain itself. I’m not saying, play the fucking damsel in distress. I’m just saying, try your best to allow others to make your life better. Trust me: you’d be doing them a favor and it’ll make you feel all good inside that heart of yours (if any).
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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Where your social media friends are concerned, those bitches bettah run for cover. You are in the mood to fucking unleash this week, and there ain’t no stopping that mouth and those type-thirsty fingers of yours. Hey, we all have our ways of dealing with certain shits the world likes to throw in our faces. It’s all good. All I’m saying is that, some of your constituents may need a warning or three.
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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!