look at all the idiot

people who put video tutorials online for literally everything are the backbone of this society i would be nowhere without the comfort that whenever i don’t know how to do something painfully simple i can look it up like i bet i could look up ‘how to preheat the oven’ and there’d be endless videos and i never have to look like a complete idiot again. thank you all for saving my life 

Besides the vast potential for hilarious shenanigans with the Reaper Trio (do we have a name for them yet, I know someone can come up with something better than that), I also just really like the thought of these guys as a family.

They’re home late from a mission so they all shuffle off to Taako’s place (where Kravitz maybe also lives?? or does eventually??) and Taako complains at length about how late it is but there’s a freshly-cooked meal waiting for them so they all know Taako’s been sitting next to his stone all night.

They try to tell stories about the mission but they’re all speaking over each other to make themselves sound the coolest - at least, Lup and Kravitz are. Barry isn’t nearly as worried about his perceived coolness; he’s been lovingly referred to as “nerd” for far too long now. If Taako (or whoever else is listening) wants to know the real story, he’ll just ask Barry later. Barry is brutally honest.

If there’s a uniform, Lup and Taako customize the trio’s. If there’s not, they come up with coordinating outfits. Kravitz insists he’s not wearing that. Lup insists that he is. In a truly underhanded move, Taako asks Kravitz if he doesn’t like the outfit that Taako personally made for him. There is only one right answer. (Lup made sure Barry’s included his bluejeans and gets a kiss on the cheek.) (The Raven Queen loves the outfits and soon everyone has them, including everyone in the office.)

Lup and Barry start acting sickeningly sweet with mounds of pda edging into what should not be pda right in front of Kravitz, so Kravitz starts talking loudly about what he and Taako did last night. The questionable pda screeches to a halt. Lup and Barry do not look at him or each other for the rest of the mission. Kravitz worries that Taako will be mad, but when Kravitz tells him, Taako starts howling with laughter.

Barry gets separated from the group during a mission and Lup is trying to act like she’s not worried, but Kravitz knows better by now. He holds Lup’s hand because he knows that’s a comfort thing with her and Taako.

They’ve all been away too long and they know Taako worries no matter what he says, so they call him and it’s just a mess of all of them trying to talk at the same time and Taako can’t make sense of anything they’re trying to say.

Kravitz keeps trying to use the accent. Lup and Barry also come up with accents to use. Kravitz stops using the accent but it takes the other two another full week to stop.

Barry loves the twins in different ways, but it’s nice to have someone else around who doesn’t spread chaos on a near-constant basis. Kravitz is a good choice for company during quiet moments, and sometimes when it’s just the two of them they don’t say anything at all. It’s a comfortable silence.

Barry and Kravitz are Not Allowed in the kitchen after nearly burning it down while trying to cook their significant others a nice dinner. The intentions were sweet. The resulting property damage was not.

4

all the times he surprised her and the one time he didn’t…

You’re an angel dressed in armor
You’re the fair in every fight
You’re my life and my safe harbor
Where the sun sets every night (x)

can we please let them slow dance in their pyjamas or something?
lil’ thingy for @sarawh, love u buddy

2

Sense8 | You Want a War?

Have you ever been to Paris? Good! Because I want it to be just for us.

rowana-renee-deactivated  asked:

How many cookies would it take to bribe you into telling me a story, Bucky? They're homemade, and any story will do.

all of them. i will tell you the story while i wait for all of the cookies.

once upon a time, a little shit decided to go fight nazis. 

usually when i start a story that way, its a steve story. but this time its a me story.

i too fought nazis, my friend, and it was not fun at all.  it turns out nazis dont like being fought, and will fight back. this caused us a great deal of stress and trenchfoot. 

as you may or may not know, my nazi fighting buddies were called the howling commandoes. we had a reputation as being ‘howling mad’ which most people assumed is where our name came from. 

it is not.

so shortly after we’d signed up as steves unit, we got sent out on a sort of breaking-in mission. it was supposed to be a pretty routine just-behind-enemy-lines gig, mostly to see how we’d do as a team. at that point, we were the first ‘integrated’ squad under american command, so they wanted to be sure we were up to snuff. basically they sent us a few miles into a relatively lightly-fortified occupied area to blow up a few supply trucks. it went pretty smoothly. we were still getting to know each other, a bit. we’d met in the hydra camp in austria and bonded pretty well there but it wasnt like we were sitting around doing icebreaker questions. so on that first mission we spent a lot of time chatting, getting a better feel for each other as people. like summer camp, but with more potential for death, and shooting of nazis, explosions, and overgrown science experiments in spangly pants. 

so maybe not like summer camp at all.  i wouldnt know, i never went to summer camp. 

anyways, we blew up the supply trucks and we were headed back towards base when we came across a nice little stream. most of us were pretty dirty, so we agreed to take a few minutes, strip down and wash up. the area we were in was supposed to be secure; it was a slightly disputed border area, but it had been safely in allied hands for months. probably it wasn’t the smartest call, but sometimes you get dirt places you never wanted dirt and are willing to literally risk death to get rid of that dirt. 

we left our gear in a little stand of trees on the far side of the stream and washed up. 

at this point, dumdum dougan was establishing his reputation as the Toughest Guy Ever, which was a rough gig when one of your squadmates is captain america, who literally walks off bullet wounds like a moron. nevertheless, dumdum had the mustache and was determined to be the manliest man around, so when the rest of us got in, clean, and back out as fast as we could manage, because the water was freezing, dumdum decided to prove how macho he was by pretending he wasnt cold at all, and the rest of us were wimps. 

naturally, the rest of us thought he was ridiculous. we were all pretty much dressed and good to go, and dumdum was still sitting in an ice-cold stream in april, bragging about how tough he was. i, being a little shit, covertly suggested we play a little prank. 

so the rest of us finished gearing up, then grabbed his things and started running. his pack, his gun, his boots…all his clothes except his hat, which was hanging off the handle of a knife he’d stuck in the tree. we knew he’d stop to get the hat, and that gave us a head start.

as soon as we started running, dumdum came out of the stream after us, and as expected, stopped to get his hat and knife. we had a decent head start, and he was yelling at the top of his lungs after us. we were all laughing our heads off, because he looked like a complete idiot, running after us brandishing a knife, in nothing but a bowler hat. 

unbeknownst to us, a nazi squad had been sneaking through the woods ahead of us, and were setting up an ambush on one of our transport trucks. they were all tucked away in the underbrush, waiting for the transport to get close enough, and had just popped out of the shrubbery and fired their first couple shots.

which was approximately when a ragtag-looking, still-wet group of cackling maniacs led by the bastard child of paul bunyan and lady liberty burst out of the treeline, being chased by an angry naked man in a bowler hat with a knife. 

there was a very long moment when everyone stopped shooting at everyone else and stared at us. 

and then everyone went back to shooting at everyone else.  but the ambush was angled to ensnare the transport coming up the road. we came from behind them, and they had pretty much no cover from our angle. as soon as we realized we’d run into a combat zone, we dropped the gear and started shooting. steve used the dinner platter of justice and cleared out about four nazis at once, and dumdum got the worlds unluckiest nazi with his knife. poor guy. there’s not a whole lot worse than your last sight on earth being a naked dumdum dougan.

 we’d unintentionally provided a perfect distraction, and the transport had time to regroup and return fire. between us, the ambush was taken care of in a few minutes. 

but the thing was, we’d broken protocol by stopping to wash up, and as a shiny new unit still on probation, the last thing we wanted was to tell anyone what had actually happened. 

so instead we told them that we’d known about the ambush and had decided to provide a distraction, and were just crazy enough that we thought the best way to do that was run howling straight into it. dumdum’s nudity was explained as a personal preference: the man just likes fighting nazis naked, sir, and you cant say it wasnt effective??

naturally, the story went everywhere and got bigger each time it was told. probably we should have gotten in tons of trouble but the story was such a morale booster that they let it slide. 

and thats why we were called the howling commandoes. 

literally the gay in Carry On is so soft,, so pure… we need more books like that where there’s just kissing until their mouths go sore,,,,, and kindness,,, Simon Snow who never kissed a boy in his life is now Simon “I Solve Problems With My Mouth” Snow kissing the BF whenever he needs to calm Baz down……………its great it’s a great time I may have cried a little

“Hey, vampires! Was all that human blood you drank today tasty? Sure hope so…because that was your last supper.”

Unknown Number: [text] Greetings, my friend! Allow me to express my sincere interest in developing a business relationship with you. My name is CROWN PRINCE WUMI and I am from an Outer Rim system very far away. After my father the King’s untimely death, I inherited Fifteen million five hundred thousand Galactic credits (15.5m GC). Shortly thereafter our government was overthrown. I am in desperate need of your assistance in helping me transfer this sum of Fifteen million five hundred thousand credits (15.5m) offworld. I am willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designated account. 
Obi-Wan: I see. So I would get a cut of this money, then, for helping you? Is that right?
Unknown: Yes of course! I am a trustworthy person and you can put your faith in me, my friend. 
Obi-Wan: Let me guess: I need to wire you credits first, right? In order for me to collect on this vast fortune you are offering?
Unknown: We must truly be meant to work together on this venture, for that is precisely what I was just about to inform you of! It will require a small Galactic Western Union payment of ten thousand credits to be made to a business associate of mine, one H. OHNAKA. He is a very trustworthy businessman and he will ensure that the rest of these proceedings go forward smoothly. I will send you his bank account details posthaste!
Obi-Wan: Oh my God. Hondo, is that you? 
Unknown: You are familiar with this associate of mine? How is that?
Obi-Wan: Hondo, it’s me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. 
[pause] 
Hondo: General KENOBI!!!! !!!!!! How about that! How are you, my good friend? It has been so long! I presumed you were dead what with the Empire and the killing and all. 
Obi-Wan: Yes, well, I am alive. And I’m not about to wire you money for whatever scheme this is. 
Hondo: I’m wounded that you think I was attempting to run some sort of scam on my old friend General Kenobi! 
Obi-Wan: Well the fact that you identified yourself as some sort of crown prince at the beginning sort of gave it away. 
Obi-Wan: Someone would have to be spectacularly gullible to fall for something like this, Hondo. 
Hondo: All right, all right! Perhaps you have a point. 
Obi-Wan: Actually come to think of it, why don’t you try this number instead? You might have more luck. [sends him Vader’s cell number] 

[later]

Unknown Number: [text] Greetings, my friend! Allow me to express my sincere interest in developing a business relationship with you. My name is CROWN PRINCE WUMI and I am from an Outer Rim system very far away. After my father the King’s untimely death, I inherited Fifteen million five hundred thousand Galactic credits (15.5m GC). Shortly thereafter our government was overthrown. I am in desperate need of your assistance in helping me transfer this sum of Fifteen million five hundred thousand credits (15.5m) offworld. I am willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designated account.
Vader: whoa sure im totally in !!!! 
Unknown: Wonderful! It will require a small Galactic Western Union payment of ten thousand credits to be made to a business associate of mine, one H. OHNAKA, before we can proceed. He is a very trustworthy businessman and he will ensure that the rest of these proceedings go forward smoothly. I will send you his bank account details posthaste!
Vader: ok cool 
Vader: lol its weird i actually used to know a guy named h. ohnaka but he was a pirate so obvs not ur friend 
Unknown: Ah, yes, a coincidence indeed! 
Vader: im on my way to the bank right now 

@lurkingcrow

because stupid humans. 

Human: tsk… of all the stupid things this idiot could do… look, they picked up a blue ringed octopus! 

Human 2: is it dangerous? 

Human: it’s australian, golden with bright blue circles. of course it’s deadly. 

Human 2: oh dear, how can one be so stupid to pick up random animals in australia??? 

Alien: what’s with australia? 

Human: well, everyone knows that australian animals are ten times more deadly than everywhere else. you don’t go picking up animals in australia, unless it’s a quokka. pretty much everything else is venomous, highly aggressive, or brings diseases. a combination of the three is possible.

Human 2: I remember that they had to censor an episode of a children tv show because it taught not to be afraid of spiders… in australia you MUST be afraid of spiders. 

Alien: so… let me get this straight. you come from what we define as a Death World, and yet on your death world there is a place even more dangerous??

Human: well… yes.

6
6

There’s a great mammal in the ocean known as the 52-hertz whale. All year, he practices his love song for the female. Travels thousands of miles to find her. But when he finally gets the chance to serenade her, she doesn’t give him a call back. Why? His love ballad is sung at 52 hertz, a sonic signature one note higher than the lowest sound of a tuba. The average female hears at 10 to 15 hertz. So she never hears his song.

10

               When my 60 seconds came around,

                    l realized l had everything l ever wanted

                         but nothing l really needed.