I wanted him, wanted it to be real so much but I couldn’t confess that to myself so I pushed him away and ran into my loneliness shelter so rapidly. To the place where I was always safe and on my own.

I told myself that I liked it, being alone like all the stars who see each other but so away from each other that can never be truly together. But between the stars there are only empty space unlike me. I have walls, bricks i built that are too hard to break, between me and the others. I built my own prison and now I just can’t knock it down, can’t escape. Like the saying says you’ve made your bed, now lie in it…

I’m in the middle of a sea rawing without knowing which way I’m headed. I’m just staying alive, I keep saying to myself but I know that I’ll never get to see the ground so is it better to just give up now if I’m giving effort for nothing? Why is this meaningless struggle,when I can just lay down and look at the sky and dream about being somewhere else or I could just go in a deep sleep where I can forget where I came from, the ground. Either way it’s gonna end but it’s. my choice how to spend it…

As the smoke slowly leaves your mouth and enters the air between us illuminating the room, I think one of my last thoughts,
this isn’t love
—  E.M