pittsburgh penguins ranked in order of how much they hate me
evgeni malkin: posts pictures of himself on social media, knowing that i will see them and cry. grows patchy playoff beards that i am somehow attracted to. fights all the time. snipes filthy goals. takes,,, so many penalties. clearly wants me dead.
sidney crosby: every time he giggle-honks it is a personal attack on my well-being and i am 98% sure he knows it. also continues to wear The Hat despite knowing that i love his post-game curls.
kris letang: has a v cute son and a v pretty wife and doesn’t ever bring them over to my house ???? v v rude, tanger. obviously hates me a great deal.
patric hornqvist: gives me heart palpations whenever he’s shirtless. which is always.
brian dumoulin: deliberately made me fall in love with him before revealing himself as a frat boy who doesn’t know what indy music is in some bizarre plot to end me.
phil kessel: hasn’t given me his sister’s phone number, so clearly doesn’t want me to be happy.
carl hagelin: has prettier hair than me. knows he has prettier hair than me. chooses to flaunt the fact that he has prettier hair than me. clearly a lot of hatred there.
trevor daley: has yet to teach me his skin care routine or secrets for looking Like That.
chris kunitz: is 37 years old and still looks so Good that it can only be an attempt to end my life.
olli maatta: a literal ray of sunshine who wants to burn me alive from the inside out with the power of his smile.
justin schultz: has a sinister plot to make me attracted to men with missing teeth and beards.
matt cullen: is Team Dad but refuses to adopt me.
nick bonino: posts pictures of maisie and jake together with the understanding that i will see these pictures and pass out. obviously wishes me harm.
conor sheary: knows that i die a little every time he gets injured. still has the audacity to allow himself to be injured.
jake guentzel: hasn’t proposed to me yet???????? obviously hates me at least a little.
bryan rust: hasn’t responded to any of my long, extensive, hand-written love letters. clearly dislikes me.
matt murray: has a Large Dog named beckham that he will post about but will not bring to my home so i can pet???? wtf matt.
marc-andre fleury: loves me, supports me, wants me to be happy.