lonesome insanity

I randomly made up and submitted a resume to this local place that I really want to work at, but already assumed I wouldn’t get it because I don’t really have much experience in that field and I feel like I’m not cool enough to work there? If that makes sense?

Well they’ve actually contacted me via email for an interview on Monday and I’m kinda hyperventilating right now I mean I really want this job and would be thrilled if I got it, but I’ve been a major fuck up at my last places of (very short term) employment and I just

FUCK I’m just sick of being a fuck up tbh. I dont wanna fuck this one up. I wanna be able to at least outwardly appear as if I have my shit together, instead of just being that junkie girl piece of shit who can’t hold a job or support herself

I know I have to just go for it and let what happens happen. Try and try again, right? Thats all I can do. I’m just so tired of exhausting myself taking a few steps forward just to spiral back even farther than where I started, AND THEN hear your loved ones say that you’re not even fucking trying? ‘Its like you don’t even WANT to be sober’. Ha. Ha ha ha. Wow.

I have been suicidal or at least with suicidal ideations for so many years now that I truly can never look into my own future and attempt to plan it because I never believe I will be alive by then. So I guess that means I better grow some balls and fucking do it. Don’t talk about it be about it.

^^^^^i just wanna point out that I waited a bit before posting this and reread it like five minutes later and realized how fucking negative and harmful my thinking and outlook on life is. I got an interview for a full time $10 an hour barista position and I just stew over every little thing I could possibly do wrong and work myself up into a frenzy. A self destructive self loathing frenzy.