london to la

Since I know I’ll probably never be able to fulfil my dream of living and working in London, I’ve had to come up with a new dream. I keep telling myself I want to live in LA and settle down in California, but there’s a part of me that will always, always be drawn to New York. I’ve wanted to live there since I first visited in 2002 and it’s just never gone away :( I don’t know I’m very lost in life tbh. I just need to live somewhere where I feel alive, like actually alive, like I’m part of something.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.