Life Lessons I Have Learnt From Reading The Back of Horror/Scary Movies.
I don’t watch scary movies. See, I have an active imagination, and that shit comes back to me WHEN I’M SLEEPING. So no thanks. However, as I am the one that stocks the movies I’ve developed a compulsion for reading the back of every. single. movie that comes out. NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE/TRITE/SCARY/PRETENTIOUS IT LOOKS, I read the back.
Here are a list of life lessons I’ve learned from reading the back of scary movies.
If your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend-with-uterus/other-with-uterus is pregnant and weird shit starts happening? Get thee to planned parenthood.
Before you move into that cute picturesque town house out in bum fuck egypt, sage that shit. burn some sage as you walk into each room. Make sure there’s no possessions of former tenants in the attic.
If you find things from the last tenant BURN IT WITH FIRE!!!
Also, RESEARCH BEFORE YOU MOVE YOUR WIFE 2.5 KIDS AND DOG INTO ANY HOUSE. You don’t want some pissy spirit to fuck with your shit or your family.
If you are the unfortunate person that has had a “great and unfathomable evil” in your house, don’t bother moving (unless it is to, say… Mars.) Because that big bad unfathomable evil will follow you and will continue to torture your family for at LEAST 2 sequels until it’s direct to DVD. (I suggest going to a sanitarium….but there are issues there as well.)
No matter where you are going RESEARCH the route that are taking. Do you REALLY wanna take directions from the toothless bumpkin at the Gas-N-Sip (he wants long pig for dinner ~_-)/
Do NOT go on ANY coed trip to cancun/someplace tropical/a far off island. Nope. Nope. Nope. Don’t even go there.
If you get a bad feeling about a place, trust that feeling, and keep on trucking.
If your child ever goes missing and comes back acting “different”. Look, I don’t care if your the biggest Atheist to have ever Atheisted, you need to dunk that child in holy water until it stop bubbling. Pray to God, The Spirits, The Prophet, Every and ANY Deity that might give some random ass shit about your life, RINSE and repeat, until that Evil THING is out of your kid.
Never take care of your besties geriatric grandparents. IT DOES NOT END WELL.
Sometimes you just gotta get a little God in ya. I’m not saying that Holy ground is gonna protect you… BUT IT’S BETTER THAN WHATEVER BULLSHIT IS FOLLOWING YOUR HAPPY ASS FROM PLACE TO PLACE!
If you ever break down and you got no cell reception and some nasty ass grody mother fucker pulls over to hel you, grab that machete in your back seat and tell him that you are fine and that you don’t need no mother fucking HELP!
NO. OUIJA. BOARDS. EVAR!1!!!!!!!!! (CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH!!!)
NO. SERIOUSLY. AVOID. OUIJA BOARDS. PERIOD. EXCLAMATION POINT! TILDY~~~~ DO NOT DO THE THING!!!
If dead relatives start leaving creepy cryptic messages on mirrors in your house. MOVE!
There is no such thing as a clean break from the supernatural.
If you do have some evil spirit thing coming at you, try an intervention. Ask it why it’s angry. See if you can’t help them get some closure SO THAT THEY CAN LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE!!!!
Creepy children are Creepy.
The moment you see bones you need to turn around and head back from whence you came.
Caves/Castles/Mountains/Shacks. AVOID THEM.
If you inherit something you think is haunted, donate it to the landfill of the town three town over (or better yet, in the next state.)
Never be the last to leave the office. Like. Ever.
Don’t go to another country expecting to have a good time. You’re gonna die. And it’s gonna be painful.
If your dead friends start contacting you via social media; contemplate never using the internet again… and perhaps moving to Mars or something.
I’d say never leave your house BUT THAT’S WHERE THEY GET YOU!!
Needless to say, you now understand why I don’t do scary movies .