Catherine: You know, because you touched me now, that does mean we’re going out, doesn’t it? There is a rule…
50 Cent: Tonight… we are.
Catherine: Tonight, we are!
Graham: You look good together! Beautiful babies, beautiful babies!
50 Cent: … I want to be with a cougar.
Graham: Oh, a cougar!
Catherine: Yes, you are, a cougar. Can I just say, will it be in Heat? 50 Cent and Catherine Tate: ‘on’… question mark?

- Catherine Tate on The Graham Norton Show [video]

Virginia: It’s your turn to talk to him.
Burt: How do you figure?
Virginia: I talked to him when he stepped in dog doo when he was ten years old and all the kids called him Dog-Doo-Doo-Foot!
Burt: And I’m the one who talked to him when he was the only one in ninth grade without hair under his arms and they all called him Smooth Pits McHairlessness the Third!
Virginia: I’m the one that talked to him when his pants split open and his whole breakdance team made fun of his Spongebob underwear!
Burt: Sadie Hawkins dance, sophomore year!
Virginia: Sadie Hawkins dance, junior year!
Burt: I… fine. I’ll talk to him.

- Raising Hope 1x10: Burt Rocks

Jimmy: I’ve never seen him so hurt. I mean, that look on his face… he was devastated. What are we going to do?
Virginia: We?
Jimmy: Well, you lied to him too.
Virginia: I’m going to tell him I didn’t know.
Jimmy: I’ll tell him that’s not true!
Virginia: And who’s he gonna believe - his wife, or his son that we’ve already established is a liar?

- Raising Hope 1x07: The Sniffles

Burt: And you’re not really allergic to fruit.
Jimmy: What?!
Virginia: That was a lie that got a little out of hand. When you were little, you really liked fruit. And… every time we had any in the house, you’d just gobble it all up before any of us had a chance to have any. So I told you you were allergic to it. And you stopped.
Jimmy: So basically I spent my whole life getting punked?
Burt: She lied to you. Not me. I was very strict about telling you the truth.
Jimmy: But you never told me the truth!
Burt: Because I promised I’d keep her secrets. I’m also very strict about keeping secrets. As you can see, it’s been my own private hell. Private hell!

- Raising Hope 1x06: Family Secrets

TF: What is your last name, ma'am?
BW: Blaafengaar.
TF: Can you spell that for me?
BW: S-M-I-T-H.
TF: And that’s pronounced…
BW: Blaafengaar.
TF: Not… Smith?
BW: They changed it at Ellis Island when I was there two weeks ago on a bingo cruise.
TF: Okay… and your first name?
BW: Blaafengaar.
TF: And that’s spelled…?
BW: L-E-E.
TF: So your name is Blaafengaar Blaafengaar, spelled Lee Smith.
BW: Back in school, they had to call me Blaafengaar B because there was another girl in the class named Lee Jarvis.
TF: Okay… sure.

~ Saturday Night Live 35x21 - hosted by HBIC Betty White

I laughed so hard I almost died. Favourite sketch.