Adventures in Dating…

- Mr. Monday is a flake and ain’t nobody got time. Number deleted.
- Dude who I was supposed to go on a date with yesterday is a snake and (wait for it)….HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Dude, get the entire fuck out. Forever. Evil awful human.
- I found out said info by simply going to his Facebook page. Dude, Facebook is like a glass window: I can see you and your “relationship status” and all the pictures she tags you in with hearts, dummy!
- I was chatting with a handsome fellow yesterday and it came to a crash when he said, “Just so you know, I’m 7 inches long and the girth is a little less than a soda can!” Yikes. I mean…Yikes.
- Buy a girl a drink first before you talk about your anatomy. For the love of all things…stop!
- Cooking dinner for myself and enjoying a glass of wine and the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills is a far superior time lately for me than hanging out with dudes.
- A bunch of 48 year old men (and older) like me on Match, so there’s that.
- I cannot tell you the laughs and nopes I say out loud through this entire process, but whatever, they’re good stories to share.
- Also, ladies, if a dude is interested, you will know. You won’t ever question it. I promise.
- I would rather read a zillion books than go on another disappointing date, but at least I’m putting myself out there.
- That counts, right??

For a while I had a regular who was on an Internet dating kick and would set up her blind dates in front of my well. She gave me veto power over her date because I would see and hear more than she would over the course of the date. Based on how they acted, and more specifically on what they ordered to drink. If they were lame, I’d serve her a Gin Martini with Pineau de Chaurentes. If they got the thumbs up it would be straight gin with olives for her to take a bit more time with. I poured a lot of Pineau those days.

Ask A Bartender: What’s The Worst Date You’ve Ever Witnessed? 

Things I need: a bartender who will also act as my wingman. GENIUS.  

I’m not entirely sure what goes through some of the men who do online dating and what they deem to be “appropriate” pictures or things to post.

Such as:

  • the dude who posted a picture of his boner in his pants
  • the dude who actually posted a picture of his penis
  • the bathroom selfies! (staaaaaahp this madness)
  • the dude who likes to wear women’s under things
  • the dude who’s in an “open relationship” which is some straight up bullshit and no, never, no.
  • the dude who takes a picture with no shirt on and well, he should be racing to put that shirt back on
  • the dude who has to stress all the time that he works out (we get it, fool, you love your muscles a lot. A LOT)
  • the dude with 893 shirtless pictures
  • the dude who wields a large knife in his photos
  • the dudes who pose with the fish they just caught
  • the cross dresser, complete with a woman’s wig and pantyhose


Instead of focusing on today and what happens in a few hours, let’s talk about my “dating” life because it’s funny.

- Mr. Artist and I had a great first date Monday. He even asked me out just a few hours after it.

- And I haven’t heard a peep from him since. Ha. This is what happens pretty much every time.

- I had another guy message me this morning, after I hadn’t heard/spoken to him in weeks. And what he asked was “How do you know about Connecticut?” Umm, yikes.

- I have just pretty much decided to be shruggy guy about all of this until someone super awesome comes along. And whenever that may be.

- But man these stories make me giggle.

So Mr. Gym is probably out. Done. Over…before it really began.

When a dude picks the gym and such vs. spending time with you, the lady he “supposedly” likes and such, yeah, that’s not my jam. No thanks.

A quote from him yesterday, while I was happily drinking my iced coffee, perusing the aisles at target…

“I do look fucking huge right now.”

I mean, am I supposed to slow clap for that? That’s weird, right? Like high five for being a fitness enthusiast, but to compliment yourself to the girl you’re supposed to be impressing? It’s odd.

I then asked him if he wanted to come over, eat the delicious leftovers and have some wine with me.

His response (and I couldn’t make this up if I tried):

“No booze. Can’t risk the gains. Gotta make muscles.”

Did y'all just throw up there? I almost did. This guy has zero body fat and a great body as is. But if he can’t enough some wine and cheese from time to time? Then clearly he is NOT the dude for me.

*kanye shrugging forever*

Dating is exhausting (or whatever this hot mess is called) and I just want to stay home in my sweatpants from now on. I am not sure what the point is. And like he was killing it the first week and then…nope.

So that’s that.

But seriously…who picks the gym over wine & cheese with someone you want to make out with?

Following up my post last night about it taking a turn…

Yeah, I bowed out. Long story short (and after the wisdom of some Tumblr gals), I responded to his text and said thanks, but no thanks. I want different things than said dude apparently does.

Listen, I am at a point in my life where I’d like to date. Meaning, I would like to go out on dates, get to know someone, etc. Perhaps I am old fashioned or whatever, but remember, I just was in a nine year relationship. NINE YEARS. That is a long time.

While some people may be all about getting some action (i.e. the dude I was chatting with), that’s awesome for them! I wish I could be like that, but I can’t. Never have been and I don’t see that changing. I don’t have sex with just anyone. It’s not me and I am not apologizing for it.

I get that this is what a lot of dudes online are looking for and maybe I was naive to think any differently. Oh well. You live and you learn, right?
I am going to put myself on a time out again from this whole thing. I just don’t have time to spare to “weed out” the dudes that actually want to get to know me and date vs. the dudes that want a ‘fuck buddy’ like the dude told me last night.

There are some things coming up for me that are going to be hard and emotionally draining. I know that I will be OK, but to say I am not nervous or anxious would be a lie. I am not ready to reveal all of this quite yet…but will in due time perhaps.

I guess I just put it all out there with guys from the get go, so I guess I just wish they would do the thing and then neither of us would have wasted our time and/or gotten our hopes up. Oh well.  That’s life.

I have a lunch date tomorrow.

Don’t worry, it’s not with Mr. Gym. Ugh, he’d probably think there were too many calories in the lettuce. Nope.

This guy actually asks questions and knows how to have a back and forth conversation. We’ll see.

My hopes aren’t up, but hey, it’s an hour of my time. He’s cute (in his pictures), he’s a dedicated dad and a hard worker. Plus, he pursued me and well, I like being pursued.

Thus, lunch tomorrow at 12:30.

I am legit Kanye shrugging through this entire dating process. At least it’s a story if it crashes and burns right?

(But let’s hope it’s not a waste of 60 minutes I could be reading a book).

Well, It's Over

With Mr. Handsome, that is.

Before I headed out to my lunch meeting, we were exchanging texts and he asked if I would be home around 8:30 that he could give me a call.  I said, “Sure, is something wrong?”

This was his response.

“Nothing is wrong, but I do want to talk instead of texting about this. I think there’s too much going on for me to be able to be good at a relationship or whatever. I like talking to you and hanging out, but I feel like I’m doing a lot of running around, etc. and I can’t dedicate enough time to really getting to know you.”

So that’s that. I don’t know why we need to talk on the phone about this because yeah, bro, I get it. You’re done with me. Cool times. I am bummed, obviously. We’ve talked daily pretty much for six weeks. We had a big fat date scheduled for Monday.

Alas, I can now make new plans I suppose.  I am definitely bummed, but it is what it is. I’m not going to wallow. It just sucks. I dig him and like his company and talking to him, but oh well.

These things happen.

I guess it’s back to the weird world of Tinder, OKCupid and all the online shenanigans and such.

Is it Wine O'clock yet?

REJOICE!  I cancelled my subscription (like 3 weeks early) and deleted Tinder.

Tinder was fun, but no substance. Match is like the one thing that will make me roll my eyes forever and a day. I’m sure it works wonders for others, but for this girl, ugh, waste of time and money. The dudes I met on there…

GIRL, BYE. They were either far older than what I was looking for, or just not my bag. Eyerolls forever. Don’t get me wrong…there were mighty handsome men and I’m sure some very nice, awesome dudes. But the ones I dealt with were not my cup of tea.

I’m a wee bit smitten with Mr. Handsome and we’ve chatted daily and he makes me laugh and he’s so damn cute and funny. Plus, he got me hooked on “House of Cards” and that show is the boss.

Am I saying I’m sailing off into the sunset with Mr. H and I’m done with dating forever? Nah. I’m not jinxing anything.  But I also know that I like him and want to see how this plays out…I have a hunch it’s going to be awesome, based on our lengthy conversations and text exchanges.

I am taking a step back from the online dating world to see if this thing with Mr. H has any substance (which I hope it does). Fingers crossed, friends. I have a feeling this may be pretty damn fun.

Plus, I wanna kiss his face, so there’s that.

Adios, Match and Tinder. It was (kind of) fun while it lasted.

Hey hey..>BYE BYE BYE!

Krav Maga

So I have been chatting with a very handsome fella today. He works in medicine, loves to cook, loves wine (!), totally my type and as an added bonus: he is trained in Krav Maga.

I mean, Ziva David style from NCIS! He said he would take me to a class!

And he said he would love to get a drink with me.

It made me smile today. A dark eyed man with skills and a brain and wants to see me? And he sings karaoke.

Yes, please.

Ha. This could be over by Monday but today it was a nice witty banter.