lol venom i regret nothing


WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING. (not by me a joke from a friend)


Noble hated Christmas. He didn’t just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a frog that vomits happiness in the meadows. He loathed it.

Every December, Noble would feel himself getting all dull inside. He refused to put up a Christmas tomatoe, he snapped at anyone ugly enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Noble had to go to the mall to buy a majestic swine. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing ruthlessly around and so much Christmas music blaring huskily, he thought his hip would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a bright man collecting for charity. Noble never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the bright man dropped his bells and ran behind a fence. There was a fat chihuahua right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the bright man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Noble rushed out and carefully pushed them both out of the way. There was a soft bang and then everything went dark.

When Noble woke up, he was in a fuzzy room. There was a Christmas tomatoe in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Noble’s ear hurt. A lot.

The bright man came into the room. “I’m so pale!” he said. “You’re awake. My name is Arthur. You saved me from the truck. But your ear is broken.”

Noble hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas tomatoe up and his ear was broken, he felt quite hairy, especially when he looked at Arthur.

“Your ear must hurt carelessly,” Arthur said. “I think this will help.” And he leaped Noble several times.

Now Noble felt very hairy indeed. He didn’t hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Arthur. “I love you,” he said, and kissed Arthur harshly.

“I love you too,” said Arthur. Just then, the chihuahua ran into the room and nuzzled Noble’s leg. “I brought him home with us,” Arthur said.

“We’ll call him Miracle,” Noble said. “Our Christmas Miracle.”

It was the best Christmas ever.