lol trauma

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you you ruined me i will never be the fucking same fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

So I needed some room for my witchy shit

Because I had been ignoring it for WAY too long and although most of it was scattered around the house, the crap that you can’t hide, the stuff that makes people go “so a witch lives here?” was all over a table I apparently claimed as “witch territory”.

Call me Semiramis I-don’t-need-an-altar-I’m-fine-thank-you Magpie

But where, oh where, could I store all my witchy shit?

The bedroom?

The living room?

The garden?

The closet that I haven’t cleaned in a decade?

Ok, so I rolled my sleeves up and set to work. I threw away the useless stuff and kept the memories of my long passed youth (? wtf Rami you’re 23

BUT.

Oh boi.

While I was cleaning I found some bad shit.

And I’m talking about some REALLY BAD SHIT.

Memories and mementos of things I had forgotten, from people that had hurt me as much as they possibly could without killing anybody. At least not literally.

Objects directly connected to them. For you to have an idea, the MOST HARMLESS of the things I found was a CD that my then-21-yrs-old physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive boyfriend gave me when I was 15 (yup, those numbers are right).

And this is just the teeny tiny tip of the iceberg

Needless to say, I had one hell of a panic attack.

Now, the things per se weren’t bad, but the things they were connected to and the things they reminded me of were too fucked up for me to deal with alone. NO WONDER I had blocked this place from my mind and had postponed dealing with it for a DECADE.

So, what I mean to say is that I needed to cleanse this space before any of my witchy stuff touched it.

No, SCRATCH THAT.

So, what I mean to say is that I needed to cleanse this space before any of my witchy stuff touched it.

I know, I’m hilarious.

THIS SPACE NEEDS A SPIRITUAL DISINFECTION.

I threw some lemon incense in there (lemon=protection, motherhood, sheltering), but… it wasn’t enough so

Rosemary smoke cleansing! 

Look how pretty my cellphone’s shadow looks! Also, the smoke curling against the roof of the cabinet looks pretty <3 

Have a shadow bunny as well.

This blog has a deep VS light tone problem, I know

So I’m there smoke cleansing stuff, suffering because I shouldn’t burn things ‘cause I’m allergic…

And is it enough?

NOPE.

NOT NEARLY.

IT IS TIME TO BRING OUT THE SECRET WEAPON.

GONNA HAVE TO USE THE SPIRITUAL BLEACH.

GET SELENITE’D BITCH

I WON’T HESITATE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*Selenite sits there threateningly*

Made a hematite barrier, and also rosemary water is very good for cleansing! Pro tip!

PUT IT IN A BOTTLE YOU CAN USE AS A CLUB.

*Unintelligible screaming in Spanish*

Sound cleansing too!

CHIME CHIME SONS OF BITCHES

EAT PURIFYING MINT, MOTHERFUCKER

AND THROW THE CAT IN FOR GOOD MEASURE.

Ah, now THAT looks like a cleansed space!

A E S T H E T H I C C

I’ll give you a walk around my witchy supplies someday, and I’ll also explain the Stag figurine there (I’m a secular witch, as y’all know, but if I were to follow a Spirit (never a god), it would be Great Stag, the master of the Wild Hunt, emblem of virility, untamed wilderness, respect, willpower, adaptability, aid, caring, salvation, honor, and king of the Fae). This is me acknowledging his power and thanking him for his cooperation.

So anyway, what I really wanted to show you was how to cleanse a space where trauma has left its mark.

You can use things like

-Incense

-Smoke cleansing

-Selenite

-Hematite

-Rosemary

-Wind chimes

-Mint

-A poor innocent cat

But most importantly!

-Laughter

It’s nothing new that laughter can cleanse the soul, same as singing.

Laugh in the face of your trauma.

Show it that it can’t own you anymore.

If you’re safe now, banish its leftovers with a giggle, exorcise yourself from the painful memories.

Do not let it steal and hog space in your house and your mind.

Do not let it transform you into nothing but Something That Happened To You.

Let yourself be free of it.

At the end of the day, it’s not just a cabinet or a room or a house that we’re cleansing.

It’s ourselves.

-Semiramis, the Magpie Witchling

“Why are you so angry?”
“I think she’s just an angry person.”
“God she has so much anger in her!”
“She doesn’t know how to control herself.”
“Angry girl! She’s so angry! She’s got no reasON TO BE SO ANGRY! ANGRY ANGRY
ANGRY
ANGRY
ANGRY!!!!”

Come see the angry girl!
No one knows what sets her off,
don’t forget your peanuts!
Throwing them into her cage makes her SCREAM;

Come see the girl with
fire in her eyes!
It’s anger, she’s so angry,
we don’t know why she’s like this.

Come see the girl who cries
with fire blazing in her eyes;
she spits out blood when she gets pissed off
and you’ll never see it coming!

Our new main event! We found her
passed out on the sidewalk,
bloody palms pressed to her eyelids—
she / must / have / been / set / off / by / something / tiny—
go ahead, just try it! Call her names and
watch the fire fall to the charred ground,
her cheeks stained scar from the flame;
she’s a burn victim from that red hot rage.

Come see our angry girl!
Angry since she was small,
her mom and dad sat back and watched as she
screamed bloody murder shaking hard
on the shiny hardwood floor!

Come see the
angry girl spit out lava
when she’s filled with rage;
this girl is a straight up volcano. The lava pours out like vomit from deep inside,
it festers—and the red in the flame is her own thick blood.

Come see
our volcanic / hot / rage / filled / baby / faced / pain / engulfed
a / n / g / r / y / g / i / r / l.

ANGRY GIRL, (han hyland)

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Did you know that when you
push someone so far off a ledge,
their heart stops beating for minutes at a time
because they’re scared you’re gonna
push them all the way off?

Did you know that when
you decide you’re not going to push them
all the way off that ledge,
they’re not going to want to stay with you
any longer; they’re not going to want to
stick around to see if the next time,
you will push too far?

I push people so far away from me,
arms length isn’t in my vocabulary.
This is bodies of water worth away;
the Pacific Ocean has nothing on me—
I’ll push people so far,
they won’t be able to see my face but
when they finally decide they need to leave,
I will swim the length of the ocean to
pull them back to me.

Did you know that it doesn’t matter
if you swim oceans worth of water
to make it back to the person you don’t want to lose
because you almost killed them when you
teased them, holding them off
that ledge; do you realize that
they aren’t going to want
to stay, no matter how much you wheeze
from the trek to and from where
you left them?

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Touch me on the shoulder and
push my hair behind my ear and
whisper to me that you love me and
tell me I’m beautiful and that you
need me and need me and need me and
I will never stop loving every inch of you

UNTIL

one morning you wake up and you
leave too early or you
forget to say goodbye or
you just exist as you are but
don’t remind me that I’m okay and
I decide that you’ve begun to hate me
and in turn I hate you right back

UNTIL

I remember that I love you and
if you leave me I will never be able to breathe again and
I love you and I love you and I love you and
it feels like you’re ignoring me and
I just want you to love me

UNTIL

I realize I have to leave you before
you leave me; and you, inevitably, will leave me so
I decide you no longer mean a thing.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Laugh and I’ll laugh with you,
cry and I’ll cry too.

Say something cute and I will
say it again later when you’re not there and
tell me your favorite color and
it will be my favorite color too.

Not only will it be my favorite color but
I’ll paint it on my apartment walls and
I’ll buy a whole new wardrobe with nothing
but clothes that color and
tell me that you love high heels and
I’ll buy 60 pairs and when you dye your hair,
suddenly I’ll do my hair the same way.

Laugh and I’ll laugh too,
cry and I’ll cry too.

Hate someone and I’ll hate that person with you and
love a celebrity and I’ll love her too and
I’ll paste her posters all over my apartment walls and
I’ll watch all her movies and
listen to all her music and

you’re gonna think we are just
/ so, so alike / when really,

you make a move and I mimick you;
you make a move and I say JINX in my head
as if we moved at the same time and
you’ll owe me a soda even though really
I owe you a personality but
I don’t have the capacity to afford one.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging.

When I drive to therapy I am running late
because I am always running late and
I drive my car too close to the side where
the parked cars sleep for the night
and I hit a side mirror with my own and
drive away so fast I drive through a stop sign
right next to a preschool and
at therapy she asks me why I am being
so reckless and impulsive and I say,
“What are you talking about?” because
I can’t understand that my behavior
is at all impulsive
and reckless.

I don’t eat all day because I want control until
night comes and I eat and
I eat and I eat and
I eat
and the toilet bowl calls out to me and
I vomit until the veins in my eyes
streak red lines in their white and
I look like the monster that I feel I am.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self- mutilating­ behavior.

In a moment of absolute and utter hopelessness I think to myself,
“If I kill myself she will feel so fucking bad,”
and I swallow bottles of pills because
I think I want to die and I also want
the people who did me wrong to feel
the same ache that I have in my chest because of
what they did to my heart.

I am angry with my friend and she
thinks that I will cope the same as any
normal person and I go home / after our / fight / and /
I take a blade / to the soft flesh of my wrists ///
and slice ////// until the bathtub fills with red
and /// I think to myself,
“that will fucking show her.” ////
(I don’t tell her what I did. I want her
to know but the pain calms the anger;
the blood is enough.)

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

I sit in my apartment with Friends
playing on the TV and I laugh along
with the annoying laugh track and then
I drop an empty cup on the carpet and
I scream out with rage as if
the cup was filled with acid and
it burned through the carpet and hard floor
even though the fucking cup
was fucking empty.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

Do I even have a heart
beating in my chest?
How can I be alive when
I’m nothing more than
an empty shell?

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

As a teenager, doctors were desperate
to explain away my emotions;
they would say that I was just
an angry girl and that
sometimes kids are angry
and when I punched holes in the walls
and sliced open my skin out of pure rage
it was okay because I was just
The Angry Girl and
it simply didn’t matter what was causing
that severe emotional response.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

These are not my hands.

You can’t help me heal
when I don’t
actually exist.

I swear
you can’t see
me when
I’m like this.

Can you see me?
I can’t feel my limbs.

I’m scared. Please,
look at me so I can
know that I exist.

—  THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE PART 6: BPD EDITION (han hyland)
Trauma (Bass Boosted)
SEVENTEEN - Hip Hop Unit
Trauma (Bass Boosted)

I cannot lie: I got s h i v e r s while making this.

You may download for your personal enjoyment, but please do not repost or claim as yours.