This is my traumatic birth story and I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so pls don’t read if you are sensitive to this stuff but I had to get it out thanks to Yukimura.
I know no one probably cares or will read this but, man…Yukimura’s life story and current Divine Bride Epilogue really hits home for me personally. I just need to get this out for myself. And my own feelings.
I knew from early on in my pregnancy that I would have trouble giving birth. I just had this feeling, I can’t explain it. I LOST weight during pregnancy, though my doc said “You’re my star patient! So healthy!” I couldn’t eat. I was thinning out like crazy except for my tummy and felt weak. I ate, MAYBE, a single piece of toast a day and I would probably puke that up. I wish I was exaggerating.
I know we don’t always know…but I knew. I kept asking my OBGYN questions, “can you do an extra ultrasound” “what about a C-Section? Should I have one?” etc but she would not listen. Always brushed it off. “You won’t have a C-Section it’s very rare.” Because I was thin…I was “healthy.” *rolls eyes*
When it came time to actually give birth it was terrible. No matter who you are, the pain is terrible. That aside, it took me close to 30 hours, with no sleep, because every few moments I had to keep switching positions because my sons heart rate would drop and the nurses were rushing in to move me into a new position.
Bless the nurses, by the way. I remember each and every one of them, as they switched shifts. They held my hand, they talked to me and joked with me. When I got a personal card from my favorite one I broke out crying at home. Anyway…
It was a terrible process. When it came “time” to push, it just wasn’t happening. It is mostly a blur but I believe I pushed for 3 hours. 3. Fucking. Hours. ( again, my labor was over 30 hours) I cried. I wanted a fully natural birth but that had slipped from my hands a long time ago. My husband was next to me encouraging me every step of the way. They used the vacuum on my son in a desperate attempt but it only caused more damage.
Finally, the delivering doctor admitted we were in danger. There was no other option but an emergency C-Section. In a matter of minutes we were whisked away to the operating room. I remember the fear I felt, when they asked my husband to wait outside while they prepped me in the OR. (I have been in the medical field personally and been interested in it since I was very young, wanting to be a doctor and my mother ran a clinic. I did sports medicine for years and i KNOW THE SMELL OF BETADINE.) I felt so alone and terrified.
When they finally cut me and began operating I could feel it. I guess they didn’t give me enough drugs but I looked to the anesthesiologist and said “I can feel their hands digging inside me” (LOL it hurt but whatever I could deal with it) and he upped my dosage.
They let me see my son for a moment. Less than 5 seconds…..just a glimpse of his blue face….before they took him away from me. I didn’t even get to hold him…Just a flash of his face. My husband and I will never forget the sound of his first cry and that was the greatest sound in the world!
No one would tell me what was going on.
“He needs some extra help so we are taking him to the NNICU”
That was all I got. All WE got. No one would talk to me. No one would tell me what was going on with my baby.
I got an infection and stayed a week longer in the hospital than was normal, but I don’t care because I got to visit my son in the NNICU. He was in there the whole time, hooked up to many wires and tubes…his little feet were full of poke wounds from getting his blood. I don’t want to go too much into it…
Taking him home was the greatest day of my life.
And now, he is a healthy and happy boy who LOVES animals of ANY kind, cars, and snuggles.
I am alive.
The doctor told me, in the hospital, that he was just TOO large for me. I am small and he was a very large baby. “He got stuck. We got him out to his shoulders and that’s all we could do…there was no other way we could pull him out, he would not fit.”
He explained to me, that had they not done the emergency C..we both would have died. BOTH of us…And extremely sobering thought.
My regular OBGYN was not ‘on-call’ during my delivery. Even so. She admitted to me “had we done a 3rd trimester ultrasound I would have seen how much larger he was than what your small frame could handle (:”
Oh, WOW. like WHAT I FUCKING ASKED FOR.
Gosh, this got long. But either way, it still hits home. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I was born in a time that modern medicine could save us both. I don’t blame Yukimura for being cautious. You should be. Birth is NOT an easy and beautiful process and anyone that has birthed a child will agree. It is SCARY.
Reading things like that just makes me so grateful. I know we all strive for natural…but I am forever in the debt of the people that helped me along the way and kept me and my son alive.
I could post pictures of my son hooked up in the NNICU but I have posted pics of him before on my popular blog and been paranoid so I wont. And don’t even get me started on PPD because I felt so terrible not being able to properly give birth.
Anyway, as much as voltage upsets me sometimes with its bullshit on ‘rape’ etc…I am extremely grateful to have a character that can relate to a rough birth. I would NEVER want my son to feel bad for me passing and him living. EVER. I will give my life a million times over for my child. Hands down. And also seeing my husband being so aware of the dangers at the time and worrying about it made me cry.
Bless this. Bless this event. I know it is more rare than anything but I am thankful that they gave me a backstory I can connect with. I can’t explain how hard this is to cope with as a mom and I know if Yuki was my son I would just want him to know that he is the only thing that mattered to me.
And again If he was my husband. I don’t care if I die, though it IS scary, of course. I do my part for my family, I know the risks, and I want them to both live a happy life and smile.