lol i am never on tumblr anymore

tell me what child
has not responded to the question,
“how was school today?”
and didn’t, at least once, respond with,
“it was fine.”

now tell me what child’s mom
responds to the “fine”
with a scream so loud it creates
a hurricane,
the ocean waves make their way to the car ride home from school and
you are drowning and
drowning and
drowning underneath
her screams.

and then - radio silence.

my mom can go
weeks, months, and months and
months and months
without saying one word to me.
without touching me, talking to me,
loving me.
loving me.

my mom is an all-star
love withholder.

when I was in fourth or fifth grade,
my mom was filled with
red-hot rage and I cannot remember
what I did to fill her body with it.
but I can see her in my mind,
an empty outlined body
overflowing with red crayon colored in;
she was so angry. so angry.
and I am not sure if I was the one
with the crayon in hand, or
if she is the one who put the crayon
inside of my palm and
closed it tightly and then
convinced me that I was the one
who did something wrong.
that I was the one
who caused her to become dried out of all her love.
from hurricane to desert,
body outline on paper colored in with red and
in this memory I am not sure
that I even knew there was water
or a drought.

but during this period of,
“I’m angry so I don’t love you anymore,”
there was a day when
instead of arriving 45 minutes late
to pick me up after after-care,
she arrived 45 minutes early.
when I saw her walk through the gym doors
my face became alight with glee at
the sight of a mom being there;
the sight of MY mom having
cared for me enough to arrive
on time. earlier
than on time.
and I ran from the edge of the gym to
the door which she came through
and into her arms,
I grabbed all of my weight and
at her I threw myself. I hugged her hips
and smiled and smiled and
as my arms stayed wrapped around her,
hers stayed stick straw next to her sides.
never once did she raise
even a finger,
never once did she even THINK
about hugging me back.
when I realized I was alone in my love
I let go and I searched her face
for at least a tiny shred of,
“I love you, I’m just angry.”
but came up empty;
I always came up empty.
she grabbed me by the wrist and said,
LET’S GO.
and I felt my light face fill up with shameful pink and
I shut my eyes so tight I swore
the skin would rip;
I kept them shut, shut, shut
until the world was so dark I could have sworn that I saw stars
because I didn’t want to see anyone
look at the way I was unloved
after sharing so much of myself.

my childhood
went like this.
this. this was it.
I only received love from mom
when I didn’t want
to be touched.
when I didn’t need
to be loved. when I didn’t
want
her
to
fake
it.

my mom used the silent treatment
when she wanted me to know
that she was angry /
my mom was angry when I did something
that anyone my age
would have done /
my mom told me that
if someone doesn’t say that they love you
at least twice a day,
that means that /
they /
don’t /
love /
you. /

everyday my mom reminded me
that if you do not allow your tired vocal cords
to vibrate the words, “I love you,”
at the people you care for,
they will DIE
and when they DIE
they will DIE thinking that YOU DIDN’T LOVE THEM.

when my mom was angry at me,
she would not tell me
that she loved me.
when my mom was angry at me,
she would not speak to me at all.
when my mom was angry at me,
she become the epitome
of a child in a fight with another child
and she would go into
Silent Treatment Mode;
I would cry at her feet until she decided
to give me mercy.
I would tell her
how sorry I was, how truly
sorry I was for taking that crayon
and coloring her in red,
how sorry I was and
how much I didn’t mean it.
“it”.
how much I didn’t
mean “it”.

and finally,
with tears seeping into my cheeks
and my face turned pink in a deep
guilty shame, she would say,
“okay.” and then I would beg,
I would plead with my red, tear-soaked eyes,
“I love you!” “I love you!” until she would take the bait and finally say,
“I love you, too.”

and all was well.

until the next time:
until the next “fine”
until the next hurricane,
until the next drought.
until the next time I grab the red crayon
and color her outline red all over again.

that was all it was.
it was nothing more than the crayon
because I never really knew
why she decided she would go silent.
there was never an explanation,
there was only the,
I-am-angry-at-you-so-I-don’t-love-you-anymore.
that was it.

my mom is an all-star
love withholder.
so don’t be surprised when
I am holding onto your feet
as you try to walk away and
you drag me on the concrete because
you say you need a break and
I cry onto your shoes until
you remind me
that you love me.

—  LOVE WITHHOLDER (han hyland)
You Reckon Cindy's Taken?
Final Fantasy XV
You Reckon Cindy's Taken?

So I had to make this into an audio file since Tumblr is being a meanie and even though I have 3 minutes and 40 seconds left of video upload today it’s telling me I can’t upload anymore video…ANYWAYS…

I got this dialogue running back to Hammerhead to get the Regalia. I have never heard it before…ever…and I was a little surprised how Gladio was like “curious as I am to see” when asked about Cindy lol

and lol at Prompto sounding semi sarcastic when calling Gladio a Casanova.

Prompto: You reckon Cindy’s taken?

Gladio: Don’t think so.

Noctis: And you’d know.

Gladio: Not exactly hard to tell. A guard like hers doesn’t come down easily.

Prompto: Even to a Casanova like you?

Gladio: Curious as I am to see, my priority’s keeping His Highness safe.

anonymous asked:

nonbinary ppl don't exist, this was created by tumblr ppl lol. you are either a man or a woman, cis or trans..

I can feel snot running down my upper lip as my vision blurs. I must look positively crazed right now.

My Victorian servants are rolling their eyes at me, as if they’d expected such a reaction and yet are exhausted by it.

“You never existed! This–” my maid waves wildly around her, at the crimson manor that housed me all these years and the dead and twisted tree under which I buried grand-papa on my sixth birthday “–isn’t real!”

“B-but–”

“Illusions, child,” my butler says, a crooked grin growing on his face, like a crack in his parched skin. “Illusions weaved by the people of Tumblr.”

I lose my balance and fall.
As I lay there, disoriented, I notice autumn leaves rustling on the ground through my slowly fading feet.

“Tumblr?” I ask.

My servants (or were they ever even mine?) break into laughter.

“Yes, Tumblr, my child,” my butler says, his voice croaking, “a fairy realm on the left of Avalon.”

“Well,” my maid interrupts, “on the right if you’re coming from Glastonbury.”

“Either way!” My butler shouts, before exchanging a sour look with his wife. “You were never real! Your whole existence, a mere trick from Tumblr!”

I am not listening anymore. I try to wipe my face clean but my hands are gone. I look down at where my legs used to be and see empty pyjamas.

As I fade into oblivion, to the sound of my old servants bickering about traffic, my mind conjures one final thought:

fuck u i’ll keep callin myself nonbinary lol

Holiday break

Client 1: So you are never online anymore where have been ?
Client 2: Tuesday I will be online will you be around? I can’t find your room in search
Client 3: I am looking for you Jade baby I hope all is well . Reply to me ..

Message to my new clients , regulars and fans … Its the holidays baby , I closed the room and I have gone on vacation till January no official date set to return . I love you guys but even my pussy needs a vacation lol..  In the mean time I will still be posting tumblr content, sometimes hosting popup events and hosting my December  escort seminar .. till then enjoy the content big dicks xoxo

You guys mean so much to me you have made 2017 amazing for me in so many way .. Please stick around for 2018 more to come in the new year from me . xoxox. Enjoy your  holidays and drink respectfully .

                           Love Jade ,

                                          Gargles your balls

Originally posted by queendemilovatic


Oh this is my shit …. Bizouncing till 2018

when someone talks shit about you
  • 7th grade: omg they said what! that's not even true, like what the frickle frackle! i trusted them with my life and my deepest secrets! there is no going back! i am so hurt and never recovering! they cant just say that! i am such a nice person! what made them think they could do this! i cant even be in a room with them anymore! !!!!!!!!
  • now: lol yea im a lil hoe
Today is my 26th birthday

am I the oldest person on tumblr yet? While I’m not nearly as active here anymore as I used to, I’m still around and browse the app every now and then. This is my 6th birthday here. I thought it would be fun to go down memory lane.

2010

Only my second month of being on tumblr, I had barely any followers and no one messaged me.

2011

This year I got hundreds of messages and edits from you guys, insane! I also turned my blog into a disco somehow?

2012

This is when the age anxiety clearly set in. I again recieved hundreds of messages and edits.

2013

Yup, carrying on the theme of existential crisis, I remember blasting Taylor Swifts song 22 until 00:01. Oh young me.

2014

A good one it seems, wow look at me being all positive. I had to take care of my presents myself, according to the tags lol. Poor mom.

2015

This one was mellow, the tags mention me having a post about turning 20 and how I’ve never been as comitted to anything as much as this site. 

2016

And here I am still, one year later. 26 now, but still don’t feel or look it imo. Tumblr is literally a part of me, and even though I don’t make gifs anymore I still enjoy being here. Looking through my archive, at all the posts I’ve made and messages recieved honestly gives me so much joy. I love the time I’ve spent here, and am proud of my creations and achievements. No one I know still knows about any of it. Thanks to everyone that’s also sticking around. Cheers mates! 

So here I am, again. I wanted to make a post last Christmas season for a follow forever but due to my busy schedule because of my business I didn’t get to make one. So here I am actually making one.

I want to thank each and every one of you.. most especially my followers. without you, i wouldnt be actually updating my blog anymore if it weren’t for you guys.

I would want also to thank for the people whom I follow because you guys fill up my dash with never ending updates of our boys. 

I once told myself that when I get a thousand of followers I would make a giveaway but right now my followers increased and increased as time goes by and I never once did a giveaway (because i’m broke guys. lol). I had this tumblr since 2011 and I am that you guys sticked to me from the start. I hope you guys find my blog nice and up to date. Okay, I am now rambling and saying nonsense stuff again so here goes for my follow forever 2014 edition :)

28061991 ~ minyuukk ~ stillinlovecnb ~ jjong-asm ~ yongscoffeeshop ~ cnbrunei ~ yongsarang ~ yghws ~ cnblue-centric ~ thiscanofworms ~ colormecnblue ~ segawangcoffee ~ yonghwass ~ yonghwa-in-my-heart ~ cnbluelovely ~ listencnb ~ cnburningbeast ~ f-ortunecookie ~ cntotheblue ~ bluenabluena ~ sexybassist ~ tonilovesblue ~ sori-jilleo ~ thechoomingbingu

I love you guys so much~ thank you for being friends with me and for talking to me when i message you guys!