So through the years it’s become a necessity for the Batfam to get good at distracting large groups of civilians so that other members can sneak off and change or so that no one really notices that ‘hey Red Robin and Spoiler just left and now Tim Drake and that blonde chick are entering the room all disheveled-like’.
So I headcanon that, even though it’s not anything official, they all have signature ploys that they use whenever there’s a need for them to distract a large group of civilians from whatever nonsense is going on.
Bruce: Bruce usually just becomes ‘Brucie’ and knocks something over/falls off of whatever he’s on/trips/laughs really loudly at ‘a joke he just remembered’. Legends are still told about the time Bruce Wayne knocked over six (6) priceless vases at a charity auction in the span of twenty minutes.
Dick: Dick usually leaps atop whatever table/furniture is around and loudly announcing his intentions to start a boy-band to honor his heroes Britney Spears/Bruno Mars. Every time this happens the Internet basically shuts down for a few hours. Sometimes he signs a song if extra distracting is needed (usually ‘Circus’ or ‘Uptown Funk’) and every time the name of his band is different. Notable band names include Titans of Pop, Dick’s Dicks, and The Scaly Panties.
Barbara: okay, we all know that Babs is totally an activist for a number of causes. So she usually either ends up roasting whatever Republican congressmen happens to be nearby (happens mostly at Bruce’s galas) or starting random mobs of protests based on whatever she’s feeling particularly passionate about at the moment.
Jason: Jason has the advantage of being Legally Dead, so he doesn’t have to worry about ruining his reputation or civilian ID. Jason also has the advantage of being a Relentless Shit, so usually he either starts spewing the most ridiculous conspiracies about Batman (fun fact- Jason was the one who first spilled the beans that Batman and Bruce Wayne had a torrid ten-year-long love affair) or he lets everyone in on the secret Wayne gossip he just dug up. Nothing harmful, mostly stuff about Dick getting drunk and marrying a goat, Tim Drake being a cyborg, Damian Wayne actually being six and not ten.
Duke: Duke really tries his best to be good in his civilian ID. He’s usually the one pointing out the window and yelling ‘WAS THAT BATMAN?!?!?’ while Bruce and the others sneak off in the other directions. One time though, there was an emergency and he just couldn’t think of anything to do. And that’s the story of the time Duke Thomas re-enacted forty-five minutes of the first Lord of the Rings movie (perfectly, as witnesses will attest) to stop Riddler and the Penguin from killing hostages at a Wayne family gala.
Cass: Cass dances. Sometimes it’s elegant ballet, and she’ll take different partners in the crowd until everyone is clapping and laughing and hoping that the Princess of Gotham picks them next. Sometimes it’s hypnotizing break-dancing that usually ends up in a huge crowd with everyone straining to take video. Several of her impromptu performances have made it online, and she already has curious letters coming from Julliard and the Joffrey Academy of Dance.
Tim: while Tim isn’t quite a meme yet, his ability to do the weirdest shit while sleep-deprived is something that everyone in Gotham is deeply aware of. There is no predicting what Tim will do if he has to distract people. Some of his past stunts have included him singing both parts of ‘Fuck You’ from Holy Musical B@man, reciting the entire Gettysburg Address while trying to cram seven strawberries in his mouth, and starting a food fight at one of the Wayne Foundation charity events.
Stephanie: Steph is notorious because she really doesn’t have anything to lose. She’s done everything from creating mosh pits in Gotham’s main road to encouraging people to pick out ‘souvenirs’ (read: Bruce’s property’) from the gala. Her favorite distraction though has been the time where she convinced Harley Quinn and a room of three hundred shocked people that she was Bohemian Rhapsody Wayne, Bruce’s lovechild from Texas.
Damian: the first time Damian had to distract a large crowd, Jason gave him the helpful advice of ‘Just scream.’ And so Damian did. He screamed for the entire fifteen minutes it took for the entire assembled Batfam to change into costume and bust in through the windows. Bruce Wayne later told the press that it was ‘a showcasing of modern art, something Damian greatly enjoys’. Damian’s real showstopping distractions though are his Animal Ratings. He finds whatever dog/cat/bird/rat is nearest and loudly starts examining/praising it. Rumor has it that the Gotham elite now smuggle their dogs into Bruce’s parties in the hopes that Damian will give their pooches an 11/10 (which is a joke because that’s the only rating Dami is capable of giving any animal)
Dick: Who the hell picked Rainbow Road? All these damn colors are making my eyes hurt–and that’s the second time I’ve fallen into space!
Jason: Damian did.
Damian: It’s better than the Haunted Mansion Tim wanted. The roads in that place are all edges!
Tim: At least that Chomp thing isn’t there. I’ve run into that guy every time I’ve seen him!
Jason: That’s because you suck. Shit! Not another fucking bomb!
Dick: I was playing this before you guys were even born. I am a god at this game.
Jason: Dick, shut up. You’re in last place.*gets a question mark* *question mark gives him a golden mushroom* This has to be the most useless fucking one. *repeatedly presses the ‘Z’ button* All it does it is jump me back and forth like I’m fucking glitching!
Dick: You just don’t know how to use it.
Jason: Strong words from someone playing as Yoshi. *gold mushroom launches him over the edge and into space* Well fuck you too, Wario,
Dick: Yoshi is lovable just like me. Besides, everyone knows Wario is just the asshole reject of the family. *gasps* Did you do that on purpose?
Tim: Dammit, Damian. Quit with the fucking turtle shells!
Damian: That wasn’t me!
Tim: I can see your screen!
Damian: STOP SCREEN CHEATING!
Tim: STOP HITTING ME WITH RED TURTLE SHELLS!
Damian: THE GAME KEEPS GIVING THEM TO ME!
Jason: Which one of you fuckers hit me with a red turtle shell?
Tim: That would be Princess Peach over there with her endless fucking supply.
Damian: I picked the wrong player! You three douchebags wouldn’t let me change it!
Tim: Oh, but this suits you so much better.
Damian: Whatever, Mario.
Tim: This game exists because of Mario.
Damian: This game exists for you to be anyone but Mario.
Dick: I got a star! Eat dust bitches! *passes everyone up* *falls off the edge into space* *gets put back in last* God dammit.
Tim: What’s with all the fucking banana peels, Jason?
Jason: You tell me, Mr. “I strategically placed upside down question marks everywhere to inflict maximum casualties.”
Tim: You have no proof that was me.
Jason: I saw you on your screen!
Tim: You screen cheated?
Damian: Doesn’t feel so good does it?
Tim:Can it, Peach.
Damian: Wow, what a clever pun. Did you strategically place that too?
Tim: I’m gonna strategically punch you in the face.
Dick: It’s so nice and drama free in last place.*laughs evilly to himself*
Damian: Have fun trying to hit me while I’m pelting you with red turtle shells!
Tim: *gets a question mark* Not if I have some turtle shells of my own. *question mark gives him the squid that puts an ink blot on his screen* Aw hell.
Damian: *laughs loudly* That’s some defense you got there.
Tim: I can’t see shit! *slips on Jason’s banana peels*
Jason: *is in 1st place* *hears a blue turtle shell coming* Is that a blue turtle shell? Tim and Damian, shut the hell up. I said, is that a blue turtle shell?
Tim and Damian: *both get out of the way of the blue turtle shell*
Jason: *gets hit the blue turtle shell* WHO THE FUCK SENT A BLUE TURTLE SHELL?
Dick: *more evil laughter*
Tim: It was Dick.
Damian: Did you screen cheat to find that out too?
Tim: This is Mario Kart. They literally show you where everyone is on a map! THERE IS NO SCREEN CHEATING!
Damian: YOU WEREN’T SAYING THAT WHEN JASON DID IT TO YOU!
Dick: I’m coming for you Jason.
Jason: Get the fuck away from me, Dick. Take your blue turtle shells, and get. The fuck. Away.
Jason, Tim and Damian: *get electrocuted*
Dick: *passes them all up*
Tim: Damian, I swear to God, if that question mark gives you a red turtle shell–
Damian: Let me pass you, and this won’t be a problem.
Damian: Then feel my red, fiery wrath! *shoots more red turtle shells at Tim*
Tim: You sadistic little–
Dick:Told you I was a god at this game. *is seconds away from winning in 1st place*
Jason: *presses ‘start’ and ‘restart race’ a millisecond before Dick crosses the finish line*
Dick: *gasps* YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! *throws his controller at Jason*
Tim: *gets hit by the controller*
Damian: Too bad you couldn’t have screen cheated to know that was coming.
Tim: *attacks Damian*
Dick: *attacks Jason*
*10 minutes later*
Bruce: You were playing Mario Kart. Mario Kart, boys. Grand Theft Auto doesn’t even make you this violent. Why is Tim’s nose bleeding?
Dick: It’s Monopoly all over again. It all started because Jason cheated.
Tim: *holding a tissue to his nose* Dick threw a controller at me–well, at Jason, but it hit me.
Damian: Serves you right, screen cheater.
Tim: I will bleed on you.
Jason: You shot a blue turtle shell at me. What was I supposed to do?
Dick: Take it like a man is what you’re supposed to do! You want to know what you’re not supposed to do? RESTART THE RACE JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING!
Bruce: Why is this my life?
This is pretty much exactly what happens when my fam plays Mario Kart. We get everyone together for a nice, friendly game of racing with funny attack methods, and it turns into a bloodbath. I’ve been every one of these. I’ve come close to killing most of my siblings–ESPECIALLY when they screen cheat. I hate that crap. I just ruins the game. And of course I’ve been a sore loser and either restarted the race or turned the console off before someone else won. I’ve bitten my brother before for hitting me with a blue turtle shell, and he once shattered our tv screen by humming his controller at it because he was playing against the CPU and Peach kept hitting him with red turtle shells. Good times.