So my friends had kind of always joked with me about “emotionally immature” I was and how I had trouble understanding emotions and etc etc. And I laughed about it too, because it was weird that I just can’t understand it or other people like everyone else can….but I never really thought anything of it.
But the other day my friend (who’s training to be a psychologist looked at me funny when I was explaining how I don’t experience emotions the same way they seem to. He kind of said as an afterthought, “You know you might have a form of Aspergers.”
It kind of struck me. So I went online and took some tests just to see if I should even consider this as a possibility. (I was sick in bed and sort of bored, so I figured…why the hell not?) The test is out of fifty points. Getting 11-22 is “average for the general population”, 23-31 is “indicates that one has slightly higher than average autistic traits”, and 32 and above “indicates a high degree of autistic tendencies”.
I took the test and got a 38. The site recommended that I go to a mental health professional to be officially diagnosed.
Now I know it’s an online test so you can’t put everything into that…..but still. I’m obviously showing autistic tendencies and that’s something that…..I don’t know.
But after I got my score I did research online about Aspergers (I’d never really looked it up before). And….almost everything made sense to me.
Attachment to routines, unadaptable to change, difficulty developing close friendships, a tendency to isolate oneself, difficulty understanding their own emotions and the emotions of others, minor triggers can lead to extreme emotions, talking about subjects excessively, lack of eye contact, repetitive rituals (body movements, habits, behaviors), repetitive and abnormally intense interests, enhanced perception in patterns etcetcetc
The list just kept going on and on with me mentally keeping a checklist.
I don’t……really know what to do. I feel like I should go to a psychologist or something. But I don’t really want to be labeled by this if I do have it. I want to understand I guess. But I don’t want people judging me by this first and then getting to know me later…..if that makes sense.
It’s very confusing. And as I’ve already said….I have trouble with emotions.
And I don’t want to tell my friends really either because I feel like they’ll just sort of blow it off.
I know that I hid stuff like my confusion pretty well. It’s only recently that I’ve become somewhat open with it at all. I hadn’t told anyone until…maybe two months ago?
So….yeah. Any advice? ha.