lmao sherlock xd

anonymous asked:

Hello, John, look at your cock, now back to me, now back at your cock, now back to me. Sadly, your cock isn’t in me, but if you stopped saying you aren't gay and kissed me, your cock might get in me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in your bedroom with the man your cock wants to be inside. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s lube and my riding crop. Look again, the riding crop is now handcuffs. Anything is possible when your man is me. I’m hung like a horse.

*CHOKES ON AIR*

anonymous asked:

"Why aren't we having sex?" Sherlock asks one morning over tea. "Because you're married to your work," John replies bitterly. "If I hadn't said that would we be having sex?" Sherlock asks. "I don't know maybe," John shrugs. "Why maybe?" Sherlock asks. "I think we'd have given it a go but I'm not sure we'd fit," John replies. "In other words you have a huge cock and you're not sure I could handle it," Sherlock says irritated. "Your words, not mine," John replies. "I can handle it, trust me."

PFFT omg hahahahaha~♥

anonymous asked:

"How? What? How!" John stammered the first time he saw Sherlock's erection. "What?" Sherlock said puzzled. John took a breath, allowed himself to formulate a complete thought and then started speaking, "you're huge, how do you get yourself into those tight trousers you always wear with THAT between your legs?!" "I have an excellent tailor," Sherlock replied, "can we please have sex now?" "I suppose," John chuckled. "Would you like me to top?" Sherlock asked. "Oh god yes!"

anonymous asked:

"Oh god Sherlock, fuck yes, you're so fucking amazing, that's it, don't stop, harder, harder, shit, just like that, fuck," John curses as his lover pounds him into the mattress. "Fuck John," Sherlock replies, "so tight! So good! Fuck yes, fucking perfect, fuck." The next morning there's a note slipped under the door of Sherlock's childhood bedroom - "Sherlock and John, I don't mind you having sex in my home but please mind your language. Love, Mummy." Both men are mortified.

*CHOKES ON AIR*

anonymous asked:

"Good morning John..." Sherlock says straddling the army doctor. "Good morning to you too," John smiles and flips Sherlock underneath him. "But I wanted to ride you," Sherlock frowns. "You can ride me," John smiles, "but I wanted to make out for a bit first if that's alright with you." "That's alright with me," Sherlock replies forgetting all about the fact that Greg is waiting for them with a case. The poor DI comes to see what's taking so long just as Sherlock slides down onto John's cock.

PFFT ~♥

anonymous asked:

"I'm sorry John it's just not big enough," Sherlock told him. "What do you mean it's not big enough?" John asked irritated, "it's always been big enough before now!" "Well it isn't anymore! I have needs John!" "It's not something I can just go out and replace now can I?" John shouted. "Yes you can, just go to Bart's I'm sure Molly has a spare," Sherlock told him. "What the hell are you talking about?" John asked. "This beaker, what did you think I was talking about?" Sherlock asked. "My cock!"

*DIESLAUGHING* ~♥

anonymous asked:

"Talk dirty to me," John said to Sherlock one evening after returning from his failed date. "Ok," Sherlock agreed, "There are 1,400,000 Earthworms in an acre of cropland," Sherlock said off the top of his head. "Oh baby you always know just what I like," John moaned touching himself through his trousers, "more." "Um... 5,000 Different types of bacteria in one gram of soil," Sherlock continued. "Oh, yes, oh god," John moaned louder, "don't stop!" Sherlock kept rattling off facts until John came.

HAHAHAHHAHAA OH MY GOSH XD

[part 1] [part 2]~♥

anonymous asked:

"If you were going to make me take a poison pill how would you do it?" Sherlock asks the army doctor. "Oh that's easy," John smiles and licks his lips. "Is it?" Sherlock questions surprised. "Would you like a demonstration?" John teases. "Yes," Sherlock nods. "Ok, I need some supplies and then we can get started," John tells him. When he returns he has condoms, lube and a bag of M&Ms. He brings Sherlock to the brink of orgasm and then tells him to eat an M&M. Sherlock eats the whole bag.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAomg XD

anonymous asked:

"Sherlock what are you doing?" John asks when the consulting detective crawls in bed with him. "It's 2am and there's a fuck loud bird outside my window," Sherlock replies as his head hits the pillow. "Would you like me to shoot it?" John chuckles but Sherlock is already sound asleep. Meanwhile Mycroft sits at home and smiles because his robot bird has done its job not only is Sherlock sleeping for a change, John didn't leave the bed to go shoot it.

hahahaha omg NONNY XD

anonymous asked:

"Hello?" Sherlock says answering the phone, "no I'm not busy, we'll be right over!" The consulting detective hops off John's cock and gets dressed as fast as humanly possible. "SHERLOCK!" John shouts as he runs out of the bedroom, "SHERLOCK!" John calls again hoping that his lover will hear him, "SHERLOCK!" John shouts as he hears the front door slam. "Where's John?" Greg asks when Sherlock arrives. "Shit," Sherlock gasps. "Well?" Greg asks. "Handcuffed to my bed," Sherlock replies.

*chokes on air* hhahahahahaha omg XD

anonymous asked:

"Challenge accepted," Sherlock says sticking his tongue out at his brother before going to bed. "What was that?" John asks from the bed. "Mycroft and Greg think they can outlast us in bed," Sherlock explains, "we're going to prove them wrong." "I don't think that's such a good idea," John says but when Sherlock takes his cock in his mouth he forgets the reason why. In the morning when Mummy Holmes hands both couples reservations for a nearby B&B John remembers why he was opposed to the idea.

PFFFT omg XD

anonymous asked:

"Sherlock what did you do to my phone?" John asks. "I haven't done anything to your phone," Sherlock replies. "If that's true why is it that every time I try to type the word dinner it autocorrects to 'watch me fuck my sexy flat mate?'" John asks. "I don't know," Sherlock says barely keeping a straight face. "And when I type drink it changes it to 'watching my flat mate suck me off?'" "That's really interesting John," Sherlock replies laughing, "maybe one of your exes is screwing with you?"

AHAHHAHAHAOMGXD!!!~♥

anonymous asked:

"Sherlock's prostate, the final frontier... These are the voyages of the HMS Watson, it's continuing mission to achieve orgasm and boldly go where no cock has gone before," John types into his laptop and smiles because it's very, very accurate. "Are you working on a new blog post?" Sherlock asks peering over John's shoulder. "No," John says trying to close the laptop only to have it snatched away. "John..." Sherlock frowns, "I thought space was the final frontier?"

*CHOKES ON AIR*

anonymous asked:

"What have you done to your hair?" John exclaims. "Don't you like it?" Sherlock asks shaking out his exceptionally voluminous curls. "You look like a porn star," John replies. "THAT'S EXACTLY THE LOOK I WAS GOING FOR!" Sherlock exclaims. "You wanted to look like this?" John questions. "My stylist said that this was fuck me hair and that if I didn't get laid within 24 hours she'd give me my money back," Sherlock explains, "so do you want to fuck me?" "Oddly yes," John nods taking off his jumper.

hahhaahhahahhahahhaa OMG XD

anonymous asked:

"John, John come back! We're supposed to be having sex! Where are you going?" Sherlock shouted as his lover made a mad dash for the bathroom. When John didn't answer the consulting detective freed himself from his handcuffs, threw on his dressing gown and went to see what was wrong. "John? Are you ok?" Sherlock questioned poking his head into the bathroom. "Get my med kit," John instructed. "Why? What's wrong?" Sherlock asked. "I cut myself slapping your cheekbones."

Pffft!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHHAA oh. my. gosh. ~*ded* ♥

anonymous asked:

"We need to talk," Sherlock told his flat mate. "What's wrong?" John asked. "Mrs. Hudson is raising our rent, I have calculated that the fastest way to make up the difference is to make a porno and sell it on your blog," Sherlock informed him. "Ok," John shrugged. "Ok!" Sherlock exclaimed. "Yes Sherlock, if that's what we have to do to keep living here then let's do it," John replied, "but we should probably make two, we can't let our fans think only one of us tops." "I agree."

pfft hahhaahhaha omg XD

anonymous asked:

"I suppose turnabout is fair play," Sherlock says when he sees a huge stack of papers in his chair. "I had Greg and the Yarders draw up a prenup of my own," John smirks. Sherlock skims the first page because the Yarders have actually started out by making it look legitimate and then starts laughing because clearly John hasn't read this. "You know if you sign this you're agreeing to make and post eight sex tapes a year to a blog called The Science of Seduction," Sherlock tells him. "WHAT?!"

LMAO!!!!! omg hahahhahahaha XD

[previously]~♥

anonymous asked:

"John, do I have to wear this?" Sherlock whines, "I feel like a penwing." "Penwing?" John says puzzled, "what's a penwing?" "You know a penwing," Sherlock says waving his arms, "black and white flightless bird, good swimmers, live primarily in cold climates, except for the ones that don't, penwings." "Oh penguins!" John exclaims, "how can you not pronounce penguins?!" "What are you talking about?" Sherlock replies puzzled, "I'm not mispronouncing penwings, see? Penwings!" "Whatever Sherlock."

*chokes on air* hahahahahaaahahaha~♥