aries: a sheepdog that misbehaves in the dog park and is asked to leave but probably means well. sheds so much and is so miserable in the heat. why did you bring this dog into hot weather? get this dog a haircut and a lot of water and take it swimming. aries dogs love not being super hot and sad. why not take aries to the beach, or at least put out a kiddie pool? aries need to be kept cool during the hot months of the summer
taurus: that one time i was on the subway and saw a corgi being carried in a duffel bag with it’s head sticking out and tbh that is the perfect sized bag for a corgi. a taurus is a corgi. taurus is the ultimate dog: normal head and body but legs so short they can’t jump high enough to be obnoxious. that’s a taurus. normal like everyone else, but won’t be bad unless they’re really upset and then they’ll fucking wreck your calves
gemini: cerebus, multi-headed hound guarding the underworld, nah, j/k, a dog that loves you but is very protective. a gemini dog will not hesitate to fight a tarp or a trash bag to the death in order to defend you. do not let a gemini dog be alone during fireworks or thunder. they will be scared and angry and try to fight the invisible enemy. let gemini know the true enemy is their own imagination, and then give them a piece of cheese or some peanut butter as a reward for being calm.
cancer: FUCK! CANCER! i forgot it originally, and you would have too. cancer is a dog. what kind? dog. what color? idk, dog color! cancer is just a dog! a good dog! not a forgettable dog, because there are tons of forgettable dogs in all the signs, but cancer is just … cancer is a good dog and that’s not something you often think about. your dog can be exceptional, your dog can be out of control. your dog can be a lot of things. cancers can be a lot of things. Ultimately, though, the only thing common among Cancers (no matter how they act) is that they are good dogs.
leo: “snoop lion lmao” yeah that’s low-hanging fruit, leo dogs are fluffy and hate being brushed and when you walk them you have to be like “ok do we keep going? or do we turn around?” because you are walking THEM so it’s THEIR CHOICE. when you’re the one being walked you get to choose, but that never happens, so deal with it.
virgo: a pure dog, a dog that isn’t scared of baths and likes being brushed and doesn’t mind pills if they’re wrapped in dog snacks. a dog that gets excited for HeartGuard and thinks its a treat. a dog that, if properly trained, will consider ice cubes a treat and harass you when you use the ice maker. the dog will steal ice cubes and run into the other room. no matter what, this dog will find a way to leap up and consume something delicious that you were excited to eat, and you will be mad, but you will use it as a funny story for the rest of your life
libra: a dog that is good and bad. a dog that will love you so much, but will love you by standing under the dinner table and constantly licking your legs while you’re trying to eat. this dog loves you and will cry at your bedroom door until you let it in and then it will lie crossways across the bed so you have to sleep in a sharp diagonal. sometimes you’ll wish your libra was a virgo, especially when libra is hiding under the porch because you’re trying to feed it beef-flavored pills that you wrapped in bologna, but then libra dog will do something amazing like give your cat a bath or bring you its favorite toy when you’re crying.
scorpio: some people would say scorpio is a coyote stalking the suburbs, eating cats and staring with strange yellow eyes. but actually scorpio is a dog that is so happy to see you it lunges into the driveway as you drive in. so you have to park on the street. large scorpios jump up and knock you down, small scorpios race around your ankles, tripping you. no matter what you fall and lie on the driveway while scorpio licks your face in agitated adoration.
sagittarius: a dog is armed with arrows. no, but this dog has stiff and spiky fur. this is not a golden retriever, even if it is a mutt with golden retriever somewhere int its lineage. this dog loves to run, particularly where it’s not supposed to. if you own this dog, and you’re going to the grocery store the morning after a blizzard, do not bring a sagittarius with you. they will steal a bulk package of toilet paper and leap out of the car, bounding joyfully through the neighbors’ backyards, while you try to trudge through hip-deep wet snow.
capricorn: this is a goat that yells like a dog. no joke, this is a goat, the small kind of goat that you see in videos, capricorn does cute parkour off the backs of older, less-cute goats. this is a goat that knows it is BETTER than many dogs, that its vines get thousands of more hits than a vine of eight golden retriever puppies, a goat that knows it has small soft horns and the right to yell like hell, and god damn if this goat doesn’t exercise that right. go, capricorn. we all want you as a pet. we’re all scared of you when you grow up.
aquarius: these are the dogs that people say are specialty breeds but are actually just mutts. that’s ok! they’re cute, they’re so cute. and good! and always healthier than the two sources. golden retrievers are prone to hip problems and standard poodles are high strung, but a “golden doodle”, a cross between the two breeds, tends to dodge those traits. they might not be viewed as “purebred” or somehow “elite” but they are just as adorable and twice as sturdy. their owners tend to be really pretentious. i don’t know how that translates to a aquarian’s horoscope.
pisces: yes i know that the whole “pisces are fish” thing is a Funny Meme Joke but pisces are actually seals. they look sweet and they are exciting to see but they often get eaten by sharks and you should never go in the water if you see a pisces swimming offshore. they are sleek and beautiful and innately charming, but they are also pretty much always damp. pisces’ favorite class in school is “ART ART ART ART” *flipper clapping*
tldr: all signs are Good Dogs and need pats and treats.