living that drea

3

it came to me that we have NINE pokegirls now meaning… that’s enough girls for a Love Live! band. and I always thought Serena’s marching band outfit from getta ban ban was adorable and it suits idol outfits pretty well. I’d definitely spend all my love gems on scouting them

(i actually spent an entire weekend of this i am deceased)

in my mind, there are two Gods:

the first, the One i knew
and grew with;
the One i loved from so young.
He, who i ripped apart books for,
who i prayed to for other people’s salvation
who i surrendered my soul to again
and again
without realizing the cost. (i asked
to be a victim soul, Lord,
i take it back.
i take ME back.)

the last time i prayed to Him and really meant it
i fell asleep and woke
with dead family.
we haven’t spoken since, except in shouts
or maybe
whispers.

the second i am learning.
have been learning, in this school of mine.
these theologies newer than the ones i was raised in:
liberation.
feminist.
queer.
the One i encountered in the Holy Land
bright and sacred and holy holy holy

they tell me this Holy One is kinder than i have been taught.
that my sin did not earn the Son’s death, but rather
the Son loved so much
He was put to death; but resurrected in love’s ultimate triumph.
that this is a Creator for the oppressed, the heartsick
this is a Deity for Justice and Love.

but these Gods are the same Man (and He feels
like Man, still, though God ought to have no gender)
and i cannot love the Savior without encountering
the Judge.

Please,
Take this cup from me.
Let me love You in a way that is uncomplicated

or else

let me be released from the guilt i feel is your judgement
let me free to find something Holy
i don’t have to burn myself to love.

—  tongues of fire (or living water?) by Drea Onzagle