living life backwards

don’t write odes to the girl you refuse to be. you will live your life running backwards, pinning the rough edges of your shadow with rusty nails so that it doesn’t take her shape.

write a sonnet to the girl you will be. speak her into existence and spread your arms wide, catch the wind of the future in your sails and fly until she is in formation behind you.

i have known too many women who have spent their lives filling pages with the ghost of the girl they are trying to escape. with every word her outline grows clearer. fiction can not hide you from her–not for long. she creeps.

the girl–no, the woman you will be is a song. she does not exist in pinned shadow or barriers of ink. she is in the air already, breathless and waiting. you need only give her the words.

4x01 - 13x08 (with a bit of sneaky 13x06)

Hi guys, I come bearing pizza gifts via your favorite pizza guy. (yeah, it’s the one on the left. Have a bonus Gen though.)


So remember when this guy crawled out of the earth, out of Hell, and started putting his bad choices behind him? I mean an angel of the Lord might have had something to do with that…

Remember when Cain told him he was living his life backwards?

Anyway, I’m starting with 13x06 because I missed some stuff about GIANT RESURRECTIONS, so let’s skim through that quick because I love 4x01. Now remember that like Cas, there was no way to bring Dean back. Sam couldn’t find a demon to do a deal for him. As far as everyone knew it was over.


Dean’s resurrection


Cas’ resurrection


Dean’s resurrection


Cas’ resurrection

No big deal no big deal I’m fine. And you know what else? We don’t hear Cas saying ‘Hello Dean’. We can’t hear his voice or it will melt our brains out our ears.

But we’re not done with 4x01 because when we aired 13x08 we got more flashbacks to it, and this time we were TOLD to be looking for them because we had that actual in the text visual of Dean in Hell. Now I’ve talked about how this is to foreshadow having to save Cas, but as others have pointed out the promo for next week has Mary screaming, and she needs saving from a Hell of her own. I think it’s telling that we’re expecting to go to S1 next week because if the boys are going to save their mom then imagine what a big deal it must be for them.

So. 4x01. I wrote to @amwritingmeta about Shrike being the dark Cas mirror in 13x08, and I dragged up some thoughts about why that was. 

He’s immortal and becomes vulnerable and dies. He goes to hell and back of his own accord for someone else. He’s done terrible things, inexcusable, unforgivable things, but he’d presumably always done them with the belief that he was doing the right thing. 

He’s a dark mirror specifically because he allows the bad things he’s done to distance himself from the rest of the world. Shrike is alone, jaded and miserable, and Cas is not. Cas has his family.

But I needed to put my finger more surely on why I was getting these Cas feelings from Shrike and when I watched 4x01 it all fell into place.


Enter Castiel


Enter Shrike


Who gets hit by projectiles that can’t kill him


/humming noises

But that’s not convincing enough really, so how about this?


You know where I’m going with this.


Would you look at that! Stabbed with the same knife in his tan coat, pulls it out, then puts Bobby/Sam to sleep.

Now there’s a bit of a point to be made here, because this isn’t just a ‘wow look at all these parallels’ thing. Because while I said before “hey look at that Dean’s living Cain’s life in reverse” the difference imo is I don’t think Dean’s going to kill everyone he loves. 

But Dean isn’t the one who stabs Shrike in the chest. Dean isn’t the one who decides to push him down that corridor and fill him with darts. A corridor that’s covered with sigils and symbols, incidentally.


Nope. That’s this guy. Sammy walks right across that Devil’s Trap the same way that Castiel does. He takes Ruby’s knife into the room to give it up, to let go of his past, to begin to move on. Dean has to go on a journey of finding his faith in a divine being, in himself, and ultimately he’s grown I think. But you know who hasn’t had a chance because, in some ways, he’s been following Dean’s emotional lead for all this time? Sam.

…Lol it was a mystery Sam meta all along.

This is Sam’s journey. This is Sam’s healing. I said before that we’re building toward Swan Song (at least wrt the parallels) and I still expect to get there, but we have to deal with Mary and John on the way. We need to take it back to the start and undo the harm done to the boys, make them comfortable and happy with who they’ve become. Dean is almost there, Cas is almost there. And now Sam is being shown to be stepping out on that journey.

This is the dialogue from the end of 4x01.

DEAN: Right. And why would an angel rescue me from Hell?

CASTIEL: Good things do happen, Dean.

DEAN: Not in my experience.

CASTIEL: What’s the matter? You don’t think you deserve to be saved?

DEAN: Why’d you do it?

CASTIEL: Because God commanded it. Because we have work for you.

So if Sam is taking the role of Dean when he stabs Shrike with that knife, then it’s possible that at the moment he doesn’t think that good things happen. It’s possible that Sam doesn’t believe that he deserves to be saved. We already know that Dean has work to do because Billie told us, reminding us of 4x01 already–but what about Sam? 

I talked about Sam needing a win, but he also needs to believe in himself, and he voices in 13x04 that he was afraid he was losing his faith. Incidentally during those eps Dean was the one leaning on him, relying on him to fake it; they were switching roles with each other, but Dean’s requirement for faith has needed Castiel to fulfill it since mid season 4, not Sam, and he was never cut out for the role. So Cas is back, fulfills Dean’s requirement for faith, but Sam is the one who is having his faith slip and has nobody to put it in. So I’ll reiterate: Sam needs a win. He needs his faith to be restored.

Sam needs his own Cas. And as @tinkdw pointed out to me he’s all in blue next week, so. Welp. My poor boy is doing his own growing, okay.


Anyway. I hope this was fun. Go Sammy! Go Sammy! Go Sammy!

a psychopath walks into a bar
he buys her a drink
they skip the small talk
he asked her
do you love to watch the stars?
stranger, stranger
I don’t know you, but
I’m looking for affection
she doesn’t know if
he’s the right direction
or the wrong turn
but she hydroplanes into
midnight skies
two blunts too strong
two shots too long
a bottle of pills will get you right
a bottle of pills will get you writing–
he’s not crazy, but the doctors
says his brain might just be lazy
won’t configure those thoughts right
these pills will get you right
but you won’t sleep tonight
maybe not for a week,
it’s okay I’ll take anything
just to ease the way,
if it’s a label,
I’ll sign my heart right there
wherever it hurts the most–
empty my blood
into things that I don’t understand
which way is out
if I’ve been living my
whole life backwards?
he tells her about a friend
of a friend– he died last year
because he couldn’t get over
losing his first born,
they said he jumped from
this very building
that we’re watching the stars from
she asks him why
why did he do it?
sometimes we don’t have
all of the answers,
I think he was meaning to fly
away from all of it–
they say death is just a chapter
that we can’t read,
like it’s braille or something,
like how love makes us blind–
she says but this is all too much
why are talking in metaphors anyway?
you know, I like answers–
she went back to the same bar
a year later and it was just her
she never left the building
but he did,
she called the ambulance
but they said that he died
some words are freakish,
she doesn’t buy anything
instantly anymore–
she doesn’t fall in love so quickly,
she doesn’t talk so quickly,
she doesn’t drink so quickly,
it’s always wine.
let it simmer,
let it soak.
the psychopath
was her high school lover
and they finally met up for a drink–
some says he wasn’t the same
when she left town
and in truth,
he never changed,
but all the people are made out of knives
and that…. that, my friends,
is why he finally took his own life
—  emotions that we’ve killed

Death can radically enable us to enjoy life. By relativizing all that we do in our days under the sun, death can change us from people who want to control life for gain into people who find deep joy in receiving life as a gift. This is the main message of Ecclesiastes in a nutshell: life in God’s world is gift, not gain.

David Gibson, Living Life Backward

Has anyone talked about Wirt’s name?

(Both of the brothers’ names, actually –Gregory has the sense of watchful or alert. Greg is often the more alert of the two brothers to the outside environment, while Wirt is fairly self-absorbed. Gregory also sounds like gregarious –friendly and engaging.)

Wirt, according to a quick Google search, means worthy.

Keep reading

sometimes i feel like life is just passing by and i’m really getting nowhere, maybe fear is my drive to do something that i don’t love at the expense of something that i do– i may be living my life backwards

At times it seems to me that I am living my life backward, and that at the approach of old age my real youth will begin. My soul was born covered with wrinkles—wrinkles that my ancestors and parents most assiduously put there and that I had the greatest trouble removing, in some cases.
—  André Gide, “An Unprejudiced Mind”, trans. Justin O’Brien

             ❛That’s it, kid,❜  Han thought.  ❛You’re on your own.❜  
His vigil was over.  And he thought again of the man in his dreams who’d traded hopes and ideals for a truth that scarred him.     Dreams—illusions, and love the least reliable among them.     For another moment more, Han stood with his face turned towards the open blast portal, towards chill air and the distant rumble of combat, his eyes filled with the bright sky out there as he remembered.  Savored the untainted feel of the memory, because few things in his life weren’t overcast with the ambiguities of survival.   ❛How I’ll miss you,❜ he thought, too fast to stop himself.  ❛How empty these words are; how goddamn empty I feel.❜  
But Han wasn’t the type to live his life backward, to feed on promises, regrets, or impossible hopes.  He’d never been very good at waiting.  In a day, a week, a month, the feeling would be buried deep, absorbed into another rush of events that swept him on.  And the dreams never returned.

The signs as stories I never wrote
  • Aries: A story about a giant frog, who leaps from planet to planet in search for life.
  • Taurus: A story of a doctor that wakes up in a forest in the middle of nowhere after a drunken stupor. Now he has to live as a member of the Hopopopo, a strange tribe with an unhealthy obsession with beards.
  • Gemini: A story of a person who lives an uneventful life, with unnaturally vivid dreams. The only problem is that the person in those dreams is dreaming of real life.
  • Cancer: A story of small tales of the lives of 100 princesses, each breaking the usual stereotypes and relating to today's problems and personalities.
  • Leo: A story about a man with a strange condition, the werewolf syndrome. Every full moon, he suffers a random mental disorder.
  • Virgo: A story of a young teenager who meets the love of his/her/their life. One day, a lemon falls on the backyard with a paper; like a fortune cookie. "Your loved one will die tomorrow", it says.
  • Libra: A story of unfinished, anticlimactic stories.
  • Scorpio: A contemporary version of the Divine Comedy. Sex and profanity included.
  • Sagittarius: A story of a young boy, who is sent to space on a shuttle as a turning-of-age ritual. To gain the approval of his tribe and his family, he just needs to conquer a planet... simple. Right?
  • Capricorn: A story of a man who wakes up in his grave, and lives a new life aging backwards.
  • Aquarius: A story about a princess who is destined to defeat an evil overlord who is trying to destroy the kingdom. The princess decides to marry the evil overlord. What now?
  • Pisces: A story about a person in a floating house, who makes rain clouds for a living.
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
—  Woody Allen

More Tex in winter thoughts:

Tex can’t skate at all. She’s a disaster on ice. Carolina, who’s done figure skating for years, is smug. (Tex is beauty, she’s grace, she’s falling right on her face.) 

The Reds think this means they are safe to challenge the Blues to a hockey game. If Tex can’t join in, they totally can beat them! 

But then it turns out that if you give Tex a stick to help her balance and tell her it’s a contact sport she can figure it out. 

Hockey is fun

I noticed that recently I started including my parents in my daily details and life decisions. Now, don’t get me wrong I still make my own decisions I just pretend I’m asking for their opinion. It’s just kinda weird. I feel like I am living my life backwards. My whole life I have been so private about my whereabout, so discreet and most importantly so independent in making my decisions and life plans. I remember when I was 15, we were supposed to choose the major we wanted to go for in high school, and I chose the scientific branch and I needed my father’s signature on the paper obviously and he told me “ have you made your decision without talking to anyone about it? Don’t you wanna ask your older siblings? Your older cousins? ” And I just rolled my eyes. And I remember when I was 19, I’d just pack a bag and leave, they’d think I’m in some sort of youth organization event while I’m in a different city celebrating my best friend’s bday and staying at his house ( miss him so much btw ). Oh and then, at 23 when I completely moved out of their house ohhhh holy shit, they be knowing absolutely nothing about me nor seeing my face for months on.. and when I took an internship in another continent, I had everything planned and set, I even had my ticket bought before I came around to let them now. It legit went like “ baba, I’m going to Turkey for the summer ( that was one week before my flight) and I need a paper stating paternal consent, it’s law ” lmao. But now, as I am fully grown, financially independent, closer-than-ever to 30 woman, I am making the choice to include them, I call them more often, I tell them what’s up, I tell them about work, I ask for recipes even if I don’t use them, I ask about their day and what they had for dinner, etc.. I am not gonna go all sob story like how now they are older and they are the ones needing care and affection blah blah.. I just wanna say, for a stubborn kid who raised herself by herself, I’m pretty damn proud of me. That’s all. Thank you. Bye.


give me the chance to fuck with your mind ;)

xxyyxx- about you

In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people’s home
feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension,
and then when you start work,
you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years
until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school,
you become a kid,
you play.
You have no responsibilities,
you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months
floating in luxurious spa-like conditions
with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila!
You finish off as an orgasm.