living in pants

You’re sitting in the theatre. Everything is perfect. It’s accurate, it’s visually stunning, everyone is on point. It’s a perfect adaption. The title flies on screen.
Deep voice: Fullmetal Alchemist
Everyone in the theatre:(slightly different intonation) Fullmetal Alchemist.

So my husband is taking a shit, and he has one of those moments. When you roll a natural 20 on perception, but there’s nothing to perceive. So instead, god burdens you with some kind of awful, terrible observation.

He stumbles out into the living room, pulling his pants up, and blurts:

Fezzik, Inigo, and Vizzini are Ed, Edd and Eddy.

And I just sit there in dawning horror like

??????????????????????????????????

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My favorite homestuck character

Okay, but Jack Noir is THE perfect cartoon villain, and cartoon villains are hard to do well.

-Hilarious:  

Goes on a murderous rampage because he doesn’t want to wear a silly outfit, and because he’s bored.  Gets off on dog magazines.  Which is funny because later he actually becomes a dog.  Murderous impulses prevent him from escaping prison.  Don’t tell me that didn’t have you laughing your ass off.

But also Terrifying:  Ho.  Ly.  Fuck. 

 With the body horror chimera thing goin on and the fact he pops out of nowhere and Then he gets the pool ball eyes and Holy Actual living fuck. Bout wet my pants when he killed bro. What good is a villain if they can’t get your heart pounding a little?

-Not exactly a complex well rounded human being-(doesn’t really need to be since we understand he’s supposed to be like a video game NPC)–But multifaceted he can hold his own in comedic, dramatic, and action scenes.  And he can do them in quick succession. Hates Queens.

Loves Jade, and Licorice Scotty dogs, and Murder.

-But most importantly-Narratively logical.  His motivations are silly, and irrational, but he still HAS very clear motivations we can some up in one or two sentences. 


He kills everything in sight because being omnipotent is boring.  He chases after the Felt because it’s his town and his turf.  He Stabs the guard because we’ve establish over and over again that he kind of is addicted to bloodshed.  There’s never any confusion as to what his motivations are.  And if there is, it is perfectly obvious a mystery is being set up and we’re not SUPPOSED to know, not because the author doesn’t know.  This makes him scarier because we know that he’s actually driven to do evil deeds.  And it makes him funnier too because watching strange and quirky characters be themselves in awkward situations is one of the oldest forms of comedy there is.

But seriosuly though, how many cartoon villains, or villains outside cartoon genres, have you seen who only ever want one thing, only ever function in one type of scene?   How many Bond villains are called ingenious criminal masterminds and yet they do the most stupid things imaginable, because their narrative has no logic to it?  And how many villains can be BOTH funny AND scary?  Not many?

Jack Noir is a national fucking treasure.