if I may ask why are you going to community college?
I applied for all kinds of schools and universities but unfortunately my test scores weren’t good enough for the universities I hoped to get into. Even though I got accepted to all of my state colleges, I decided to attend community college instead in order to improve my grades (since it’s harder to transfer from a state college than a community college) and transfer to the university of my choice ! Another factor to this was also tuition costs; my family isn’t currently in a financial state to pay for a 4 year university so going to a 2 year community college and transferring to a university will save us a lot of money ☺️
I have a fear of snaking slowly, dispassionately into irrelevancy with the people I love; I also know we are all breathlessly irrelevant to the comings and goings of the universe. Irrelevant fears of irrelevancy on a Saturday.
Do you think Crielle's feelings for Gwyn would have changed if he was just Unseelie or ruined her body (instead of both)? If he was just Unseelie, would she have given him to the Unseelie kingdom and tried having another child? If he had ruined her body, would she still love some aspects of him instead of constantly plotting his demise?
I know I’ve talked about what would’ve happened if he’d not injured her before and was Seelie (he would’ve been raised and loved). But as for him being Unseelie / not injuring her? I’m not sure, tbh. That changes everything. I think they’d still hate him, but in a more detached way, and I almost wonder if that would have made them smarter about killing him early on.
I mean this is a woman who has killed her parents and covered it up. If she could be more detached from the situation and less entangled in it, I think she could have easily found a way to kill Gwyn as a child. (I honestly think one of the reasons she didn’t, was partly because she thought death was too good for him, and wanted revenge for what he inflicted upon her).
Any Unseelie get in that bloodline wouldn’t live very long. Regardless of what Gwyn’s powers were, he would have been destined to die very young. Reputation matters so much to the An Fnwy bloodline.
As for if he had ruined her body but was Seelie - she could have never gotten past the damage to her heartsong. It was like a permanent crack in the foundation of who she was, and she could never heal from it, and she also refused to let it go (if she had say, chosen to let go of her heartsong and have it transform into something else, there’s actually a chance she could have accepted him - which is something Gwyn realises and starts to grieve in COFT - that she did this for Efnisien, but not for him).
This realisation is actually a huge part of Gwyn’s…growth. I mean Gwyn murdered a stranger, drove a child mad, and then then hated himself enough for it that he went to another stranger (Augus) to get his heartsong changed. So he has this moment in COFT where he realises that Crielle wouldn’t do that much for him; but did it for Efnisien. Let appearance go so she could shaft Gwyn one last time, basically, lol. I think it’s a moment where he comes to term with…this idea that he’d never have his mother’s love, and that there was nothing he could have done, because she could have chosen to love him, and turned away from it.
This is all sounding super grim, lol.
I suppose it’s a habit I have as a writer, is that if I’m given enough time to think things over, I really like locking a character into one path. I like the…tragic-ness of that and I like the strength that comes in overcoming the circumstances or events that arise from that (or cowardice). Like, was there any way that Crielle could have loved Gwyn? Not without changing her fundamentally as a person, or changing Gwyn. They were both sort of locked into this horrific dance with each other, and there’s nothing Crielle could have done to prevent it, and nothing Gwyn could have done to stop it. Certainly Crielle is culpable for all the abuse she inflicted on him afterwards, but yeah, I like thinking of the other paths and then blocking each one off via plot or characterisation.
My mind is a lot of ‘what if this? What if that? What if this?’ And if I want to get to a certain point like, ‘what if Gwyn and Augus actually fall in love?’ ‘what if Gwyn decides to save Augus?’ ‘how do I stop Gwyn from dying?’ ‘what if Augus decides to save Gwyn?’ etc. I have to look at…a lot of possibilities? I don’t see them all. I miss things. I have like, moments of ‘well, damn, there were all these other options and I didn’t see them.’ But I get a lot of satisfaction from quietly blocking off the options and leaving a character with a pathway, because that makes me feel like…their actions are logical, even if they’re emotional or irrational, idk how to explain that. That’s a weird thing to say.
The only way Gwyn would have been loved, is if he’d been Seelie, and not harmed her with his light. In other words: if he’d literally been a completely different person, unrecognisable to us in every way.
me: if I ever got to go to ariana’s soundcheck, I would have a whole speech prepared telling her why I love her and asking her all the deep questions I have and they would have to forcibly carry me out because I would never leave on my own
It just occured to me that Gwyn's *noteworthy* willingness to enter into blood oaths is possibly him kinda flirting with reenacting the trauma of his first oath and I'm just gonna go cry for about 6 hours thanks for that. I'm probably late to the party with this one but reenactment as a symptom is not one I usually see done, let alone so well, in fiction. It's a credit to yours writing that a year after reading your work there's still more about my fave to discover <333
Oh yeah, absolutely, anon.
Like, Gwyn’s relationship with blood oaths is part reenactment, part…having his relationship with them destroyed because of being forced into them as a child (he sort of doesn’t understand their gravity while flirting with their gravity at the same time - and it’s the spot on word to use, I think, anon, that sort of flirting with it, it’s like…playing with something so dangerous for him, and he also…I’m not sure he really believes they’d kill him as an adult, while wondering if they would? Like ‘could I go through this again and survive it?’ etc.).
There’s a moment in COFT where Fenwrel just expresses disgust at how often Gwyn makes them / asks for them, and her response is the more appropriate one. There’s also the times Gwyn has offered blood oaths and people haven’t taken him up on them? Like, even in the AU What If, he offers one. And Jack’s response is like ‘wtf you’ll DIE?’ and Gwyn’s like /shrug/.
It’s definitely one of those areas in his life where he sort of unconsciously plays out this narrative again and again. And he doesn’t really do it all that safely. I recently read the scene where Gwyn makes the blood oath re: aftercare, and then what, nearly breaks it almost int he same day? And then later on, Augus has to actually remind him that it’s there, and not to leave in a completely different scene.
I mean all stuff that you’ve probably picked up on, I’m just thinking out loud over here, heh. Gwyn and blood oaths is like…a thing. :D I’m glad you feel the reenactment side of things is being done well! I never really know how I handle that stuff (I mean I can trust my instincts and feel like it’s okay, but that’s not how it comes across to others, y’know?) I just kind of love the myriad ways that Gwyn wears his trauma, the ones he knows about, the ones Augus has seen, the ones that no one’s really kind of picked up on etc.