live-beautifully

“Tomorrow will be better. I will do better. I will be better.”

I’m beginning to look at others, much thinner than I, and find that sadness consumes me more than jealousy. I’ve been there. I’ve known the hell one goes through to fit into an undersized body. Sometimes I miss that body, but I do not miss the emptiness I felt within it.

The jealousy does come, though. Usually late at night when I should be readying myself for bed. But instead, I find myself running back through the day, feeling poorly about food choices and the workout that didn’t happen. I decide, on these fairly occasional jealous-nights, that tomorrow will be better. “I will do better. I will be better.”
And then tomorrow comes.

 The sun pours through my window. It welcomes me in the morning. “Yes, today WILL be better.” I begin contemplating whether or not to have breakfast. A fasted run or bike ride; a late breakfast so I can skip lunch.

I take a peek out the window, just to check the weather.
And I see the girl with sadness in her eyes, running to earn her food.
And I see the man, lacing up his shoes in order to do the same.

I am reminded of why that is not the way I want to live my life. Completely based on numbers: calories, pounds, tablespoons, mileage…yet almost entirely worthless. 

I am reminded that I should count blessings, memories, and smiles rather than calories.

I am reminded that feeding myself well and moving my body with a healthy purpose is a privilege. And it is one that will get me much further in life than the obsession of how my body looks at all times. It is one that will allow me true happiness–not the sick happiness from the drop in number on the scale that fades two minutes later.

These reminders come day after day. And they are needed every time. Yet, I feel that one day they won’t be necessary for me to carry on. I will find peace in myself, and peace with others. I will look at others and see them as a person, not just a body for comparison. 

So, today I woke up to the morning sun welcoming me. I decided today would be better. I will be better.
I take a moment to be mindful about how I am feeling. Physically and mentally. Are my intentions right or wrong.

Fighting the tears, I make breakfast. Fighting the urges, I relax until lunch.
What I feel is weakness, I know is strength.
What I feel is self-destruction, I know is self-care.

And I notice that the world didn’t crumble around me when I ate my lunch, too.
People didn’t hate me because I am a bit heavier than I was a year ago.
I don’t constantly search for my smile that was lost when I lost weight.

And that is enough to make me realize that today is better. I am better. Because today I’ve decided to seek a beautiful life instead of a misconstrued-beautiful body. I’ve decided to treat myself kindly so that tomorrow I can treat others kindly too. 

My life is no longer empty. My days are filled with friends, food, flowers, and life. 

I am no longer empty. I am filling my mind with happiness and hope. I am filling my heart with love and faith. I am filling my body with nourishment to live-not survive. 

I find myself, still, jealous over these bodies that are not mine. Envious of their determination and ability.
But, more often, I find myself jealous of those that lived when I was dying. I’m jealous that they made memories while I spent my nights alone at the gym.

I am choosing to live my life. I am choosing to try and find happiness in things outside of my body weight, size, and shape. I want to live a full, beautiful life. 

Tomorrow will be beautiful. I will live beautifully.

—  Bethany D. 
Inner Strength

‘You build inner strength through embracing the totality of your experience, both the delightful parts and the difficult parts. Embracing the totality of your experience is one definition of having loving-kindness for yourself. Loving-kindness for yourself does not mean making sure you’re feeling good all the time - trying to set up your life so that you’re comfortable every moment. Rather, it means setting up your life so that you have time for meditation and self-reflection, for kindhearted, compassionate, self-honesty. In this way you become more attuned to seeing when you’re biting the hook, when you’re getting caught in the undertow of emotions, when you’re grasping and when you’re letting go. This is the way you become a true friend to yourself just as you are, with both your laziness and your bravery. There is no step more important than this.’

- Pema Chodron, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change.

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  Music of My Heart  | *NSYNC ft. Gloria Estefan 

4

Good wood - beautifully crafted, sleek and simple lighting from LA based studio Feltmark. The ‘Ellum Solar’ is an eco friendly solar powered light that is held in place by a magnetic wall mounted base that connects to the moveable case, allowing you to flip the light over and enable the solar charging. Apparently one charge lasts 6 months which sounds pretty decent. Now to remove all my old lighting…

i never want to stop rereading what sorachi said about why he created gintama the way it was.. that his hero didn’t need a great big shounen dream because people don’t need big dreams to live through life and how he proved that he can make an amazing series without a main character that ‘’followed their dreams’’ like those other shounen heroes. he made a series filled with characters that live through their lives day by day without knowing exactly what their goal is and saying that’s ok and thats just how life can be like…thank you for giving us characters that we could relate to and a series that brings us never-ending joy and inspiring quotes about how to live life beautifully 

thank you sorachi 

7

New bujo set up! I haven’t actually started using it yet as I have about 5 pages left in my old bujo but as soon as I finish my old one I’ll start using this one in full force. I want to also add a cooking log and some meal planning? This is the first time I’ve splashed out more than £2 on a notebook so it feels v precious.

(ps these photos were taken in my uni garden I love where I live)

Pluto Sorcery
  • Pluto in the 1st House: "I am a divine butterfly, cocooned by the darkness of Pluto but thrust into eternal light by his own power.Tthe discarded shells of my old selves are hung like portraits where i can view how far i have come"
  • Pluto in the 2nd House: "I can live in ecstasy and beautifully stripped of material concern. I can release from these vices and understand what freedom truly means. I can create the most stunning melody with the jewels within"
  • Pluto in the 3rd House: "The ether of my voice and words will live on for centuries. My thoughts are transmitted from the mystic riches of Pluto and I am a scribe of the underworld. I am a beacon of truth and a glowing example of the power of words"
  • Pluto in the 4th House: "I am the eternal heirloom of my family and my ancestry will remember me, from my spirit that runs through their veins, and the potions I left brewing in their hearts. I can create a temple of prayer"
  • Pluto in the 5th House: "I can fall into the darkness and forge a new wonderland with my divine creativity. My inner child is at home in the cosmos, and my madness can be poured into art, delight, and pleasures. I can play a symphony for infinity"
  • Pluto in the 6th House: "Through my own aching bones and psychological ailment, I can see, I can feel, and I can heal. My hands are leaking with healing syrup, and my muscle memory knows the century old potions and therapies found in nature"
  • Pluto in the 7th House: "I am transformative spirit for the people in my life, I can swirl in their bones and show them the transcendent light that dwells within. I can show them the way to reunite with infinity through my own magic. I change the lives of others"
  • Pluto in the 8th House: "I rule the borderline between life and dying, and suffer ego death time and time again so when it comes time for my spirit to pass on I have become a master of the process and this gives me peace. Every time I rebuild i am shown an even brighter light"
  • Pluto in the 9th House: "I am a pilgrim of Pluto and explore the depths of my inner world and the outer world. I am a symbol of the mythology and philosophies that have defined us for generations. I am in search of divine intimacy and my words reverberate into the souls of others with TRUTH"
  • Pluto in the 10th House: "I leave a powerfully resonant imprint on the world and my energy remains long after my body vanishes. My role in society is vital, and my spirit alone can change the lives of others. I thrive on challenges"
  • Pluto in the 11th House: "I readily see into the souls of the people around me and I am a revolutionary breath in a mundane world. I am the spirit that heals humanity"
  • Pluto in the 12th House: "Through Pluto is how i get home. I feel a part of the oxygen, as if i circulate through everyone. My breath is a symbol of purity and healing, and my presence is a reunion with the divine. through isolation, I reunite"
2

bye

J-Hope; Bullets, Blood, Love

Gangster!Hoseok is back-tadaaaaaa. //other Gangster!Hoseok— 

❝Cause I had the Hoseok feels, I like this AU and… that’s about it…
scenario || 5340+ words

It was yet another beautiful day, the sun was shining, the flowers were blossoming beautifully like they have all these while, customers were coming and go like usual and there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but it was satisfactory living the live you’ve been dreaming to have—and now you’ve got it. Although some people don’t seem to get it or understand why you love your life so much, is probably because they don’t see it from your point of view. Some even knows who you have as a partner, your best friend and a lover but they can’t seem to wrap their minds around what do you see in a gangster.

But then the question you’d throw back at them would be aren’t gangsters humans, too?

Of course they might not bring you to ideal dates like going out to a restaurant to eat or go for a picnic under the moonlight or bring you out for joyrides and such but to you, you’ve grown accustom to cuddling at home on the sofa, having movie nights at home, talking comfortably in bed, in each other’s arms and there’s nothing else more perfect than that along with home cooked meals that Hoseok would try to cook for you but because of how poor his skills were, you’d always need to step in and help or he’d dial Seokjin’s number so that the latter could come and save the day before you’d return home—either way, it was your definition of happiness.

It didn’t matter that he didn’t bring you out for fancy dates, not because he can’t afford it but because he really can’t risk anything and you were not just anything in his life—you were everything to him and he’d be crushed to pieces if anything were to happen to his best friend, his most trusted person in the world—the love of his life. It didn’t matter where you were, where he brought you to, what he thought of as a date because as long as you were with him, as long as you were with Jung Hoseok… everything seems to come in second because he was the first thing that comes to your mind every single time—without fail, Jung Hoseok has become a priority in your life without you even realizing it. You fell in love with him from the moment he looked at you with those eyes, eyes that wanted to be saved, eyes that needed to be loved, eyes that pleaded you to not leave his side and ever since then, you’ve been hooked.

So even when you’re here working at a flower shop as a florist, the pay wasn’t as high as people would think, the long hours seem to bore others, the cleaning up and gardening process was a pain in the ass—it made everything worthwhile because this is the life you’ve wanted; and you didn’t give a single damn what anyone else thought about it because as long as you enjoy it, as long as you have no problem with it, and as long as you get to see Hoseok at the end of the day, this is perfect.

“Can I get a twelve flower bouquet?” A voice spoke, gathering your attention from behind the counter as you were scribbling something down; prepare the roses, twelve red, twelve pink for Mrs. Chan before mumbling something like please wait…

And when that voice replied smoothly with take all the time you need, beautiful.

You had decided that your notes could wait, looking up, meeting with a gaze that was quite familiar.

“Hoseok!” You grinned, pushing the paper away, dropping your pen so you could dash from the counter, pushing the door away so you’d get through and the creaking of the door closing entered Hoseok’s ears before he caught you in his arms when you jumped on him, overjoyed that he could stop by before he’d have his plans later on. “Hey…” He breathed into your ear, his voice soft and delicate, arms strong and protective around you as he held you up, feeling your legs locked around his waist to remain like that for a while. He turned to place you on the counter, you slightly taller than him but that’s nothing a little tilting of his head can’t fix to reach for your lips effortlessly.

Two, four, six kisses later and a very impatient bunch of people buzzing Hoseok through his phone, he had pulled away with a graze of his teeth on your bottom lip, one last pressing of his lips on yours before he groaned and reluctantly hold himself back, fishing his phone out to answer the fifth call that got through his phone, “What?”

From an irritated look on his face, his expression changed when he heard the people on the other end speaking, as if they were saying foreign things to his ears, as if he didn’t understand but the fact that he did made it even scarier. He furrowed his eyebrows, one hand clenching around your waist when he listened longer, to the explanation the other end was giving. From staring at the corner of the room to your face, his gaze softened when he muttered under his breath I’ll make sure she’s careful…

You tilted your head in slight confusion, using both of your hands to rake through his hair, lips needing to question something but you couldn’t when he slipped his phone away, a sigh leaving his lips before he pulled you into a hug, “You need to be careful…”

You swallowed when you heard that tone of his because it didn’t sound like a good one.

The last time he used that tone, you nearly got kidnapped—what happened now…well…there’s only so much your imagination could do.

“Namjoon said that he was passing by and he swore he saw a familiar car lingering around by the streets. There’s no saying what can happen.” Hoseok whispered into your ear, feeling his arm tightening around your waist, “Please be careful…”

You nodded and held him close, hugging him by his torso, your voice soothing into his ears to at least hope he’ll feel better because ever since you met him, you were always on the lookout. “I… I have protection in the left drawer and I’ll know what to do,” You leaned away, staring into his worried glazed eyes, his heart unable to calm down just thinking that anything could happen to you. He’d stay the whole day if he could but he couldn’t—he had things to attend to and they were short on men to be able to send someone to guard you and that would’ve been too obvious as well, even if you had a place for that person to hide or stay without going unnoticed, Hoseok rather not gather any unnecessary attention for you because you needed the sales, too. So he did what he could do best, set up an alarm system, put up a few CCTV’s around here and there (more than ten, to be honest) and also an emergency button that would directly send messages to everyone in his gang; that’s the best thing he could do. The ones closest to your area would automatically come to help and ever since he put that up, he felt safe for you but now… he didn’t know what would happen if you were targeted because of him.

“I’ll be fine, Hoseok-ah. I’ll close up early today, go home and wait for you then we’ll sleep together in peace, hm?” You suggested, moving one of your hands to frame his cheeks, “Does that sound like a good plan or a good plan?”

He couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, one that sounded out of relief as he moved his arms to band them around your waist, bringing you closer as he nuzzled his nose in your neck, inhaling your scent that somehow stood out better than the flowers in the shop, “I swear, you know just what to say…”

You grinned and kissed the side of his head, hands rested by his shoulders, “I’ll take that as a good plan, then.”


//

See, Hoseok was worrying for nothing! The long hours may have not been as interesting as it is but there were enough customers to fill up the day, sell out some of the remaining flowers, earn more than what you’d earn for two days, so it was three times the income today and what else could you have asked for? Not only have you went through the day with enough money but you were in perfect condition. Though, maybe the cuts on your knees wouldn’t cut it but it’s definitely better than anything that Hoseok has in mind. You walked towards the door with a sigh, patting your apron that had dirt on it, rubbing it off before you switched the sign on the door to sorry, we’re closed!

You sighed and smiled as you looked out of the door before turning on your tracks towards the counter because you needed to do some accounting first before you fully close up the shop. However, as you walked back towards the counter, you heard a clink on the floor and then a splatter, causing you to hiss as you looked down to the floor at all the scattered money.

You groaned, getting down on your knees to gather the money together. Stupid… I should really invest in a cash register… you grumbled softly, putting the money in a nice stack and you were about to get up but you heard something that sounded like that doorknob was being fumbled with. It’s either an impatient person that had needed to get some flowers for their girlfriend or just something else because being in this business, you’ve seen some pretty desperate people.

What made you stop and not get up was the fact that your eyes accidentally landed on the CCTV screen, displaying who was standing outside by the doors and it was not someone desperate for flowers.

They seemed desperate for something else.

You gulped and felt your hands shaking as you hurriedly stuffed the money into the box, locking it tight before shoving it into the cabinet as your eyes continued to scan the number of men standing outside by the door. One… three… there were four of them standing out there and you could see that all of them had weapons—one of them had a gun, two of them had knives, three of them had sunglasses, four of them wanted you—you could tell.

You silently flicked open the drawer, placing your finger on the trigger and already Hoseok’s voice echoed in your mind. Please use this gun… use it when you’re in danger—use it to stay alive and make sure you do, I need you to stay alive…

I need you.

And the other quietly reached for the red button, his voice lingering once more, and press this when you feel something is wrong, press it and immediately I will come to you if not my men, we’ll come for you no matter what, pressing it before the door started to rattle. It alternated from gentle to complete roughness and you could feel the aggressiveness. With your eyes clenched shut for a moment and a racing heart as you had tried to figure out a way to distract them before you’d try to leave through the backdoor as you reached one hand into your pocket where you pulled out the key to the backdoor.

You had your heart finishing your prayers as you got to your feet, crouching as you were ready to fight for your life—you had to. Here goes nothing.

You made your way towards the backdoor unseen since the door was still a barrier and you didn’t know if they were toying with you because they were so slow. From the amount of impatience they’ve shown at the door to deep silence, you were questioning if you should really use the backdoor. Instead of doing that, you took a few silent steps to the side, trying to peek through the curtains when you wanted to see if the coast was clear, it was the complete opposite.

You met with a pair of eyes, one that seemed familiar but it was the familiar kind that made the guts in your stomach twist completely at the fear with the shivers breaking your spine.

“My my, hello, princess,” The voice chuckled, shocking you on how loud that was considering the window was sealed tight. You took a step back, gasping when you heard a bang on the window, “Get her, boys.”

Hoseok, please hurry.


//


The beeping in the room seemed to have distracted the quiet silence as the interrogation took place in the basement. The sirens blasting seemed to have dissolved in the intensity that completely soaked everyone in. With one person tied to the chair, skidded knees, bruised knuckles and that wasn’t the only place that was bruised, he simply coughed and spit out blood, feeling his lungs abused with the amount of pain received by—

“I’m not asking again,” He pressed a gun to the lad’s chest, the one sitting on the chair helplessly with his hands tied behind his back, legs tied to the leg of the chair, “Who took our money?”

The man simply smirked, cocking his head to the side because this was useless.

“Don’t you need to worry about other shit?”

Hoseok’s eyes darkened, his finger locked on the trigger as he was this close to pulling it but—

“H-Hyung!” A voice boomed into the room when the siren seemed to have shot through Hoseok’s ears after many times of ringing over and over again but then, this room was soundproof and no sound could enter it, either. So when the door flung open, Hoseok was left to jerking back to reality, looking away to the side where he was met with his friend’s paled face, holding his phone up to show Hoseok a red screen that zoomed into a map, that zoomed in into the streets, that zoomed in further to the location of your shop with a big red dot blinking vigorously.

Hoseok nearly dashed out of the room with Jungkook trailing behind but stopped abruptly, causing Jungkook to almost bump into the latter but he was quick to his feet to stop. Hoseok snapped his body around, pointing his gun out and Jungkook didn’t even faze, noticing how Hoseok’s hand managed to bend around Jungkook’s figure before two shots were fired, followed by a piercing scream that got swallowed into the silent room.

“I’ll finish you when I get back,” Hoseok’s voice dripped with venom, his eyes moving over to Jungkook in the next, “We need to hurry.”

With two nods from Jungkook, he closed the door behind him, sealing it tight before flashing a wink at the man screaming in agony at the each bullet slotted in his leg, that’s for being a piece of shit, “Bye bye.”


//


“You can’t hide from us… princess…”

You swore you heard that more than five times now as you remained quiet, placing a hand over your mouth, the gun slotted nicely in your ankle because thank god you were wearing boots. You had thought this over and over and that if you were to dash out and use a gun, just a gun to kill them, you would have no chance. What are the chances they’d want you alive, for? They could kill you for all you know and if you went out there thinking you’d have immunity, you could be dead by now, too. It seems like you were wrong—it felt like there was an army here finding for you, as if you’ve commit a sin, as if you were the criminal. The many options you’ve had in your mind was insane and the amount of things you wanted to do now was also about that level of insanity; if only you hadn’t come to work today, if only you hadn’t worked on your own, if only you hadn’t open up until now, if only this was only a nightmare.

“Why don’t you make it easy for us and come out?”

“We won’t hurt you, we promise,” Another chuckled, clicking his tongue and then you heard a gun flicking after that. Fucking liars.

You felt your heart racing fast, trying to count down the seconds to Hoseok’s arrival but you weren’t too sure if he was even coming. It’s not that you doubted him but things were hard to predict when there could be a million reasons to why he would be taking so long to come. Where was everyone else, too?

Your back pressed harder against the wood behind you, trying so hard not to make a sound but it was hard cramming underneath the sink cabinet that was very small including with the pipes that took up some space as well. You had thought of calling the cops, you had thought of calling for help as well but who could help you? What if the cops came and they’d not only catch these people but also… Hoseok? What if Hoseok came in time and got into this fight, what if he was taken by the police as well? You didn’t want to and could not risk Hoseok getting into that kind of trouble.

Even if your life was at risk.

It was in that moment when you felt your breath hitching the same time the blasting sirens placed all over your shop had sounded, nearly startling you as well but you managed to stay in your place, knowing well on how this could be triggered. You managed to get your phone out from your pocket, tapping on the screen to see that it’s not you that triggered this. And the only other person who had this was… Hoseok.

What happened after the siren triggered was unimaginable—gunshots, curses, broken glasses, blood, I’ll fucking kill you!—everything.

You reached for your gun slotted by your ankle, needing to protect yourself when you heard something banging against the door of the cabinet you hid in. You hesitated on going out, unsure if you should even do this but then a voice interrupted what you were about to do.

Fuckers, you think you’d get away with taking my men away? The gunshots remained in the air, one after another, body after body—and you could hear engines revving up and cars driving away as well—were they leaving?

Maybe, you tell me, asshole. Then a gunshot was fired but that didn’t deter your mind away that was Hoseok’s voice.

Take cover, check the corners and check everywhere. Most of them left but I want these guys dead.

You wanted to come out but knowing Hoseok’s mind and the way he was thinking, you’d know he wanted you to stay in here even if you couldn’t do much to help and much less run away. But too many gunshots later, too many things breaking, glasses crashing, tables, pots, flowers—everything being destroyed within minutes was too much for your heart to take. Your only thought wasn’t staying alive—it was to make sure Hoseok was in one piece. Your hand was ready to bust the door open, preparing yourself to get out but it made your heart stop when the door flung open on its own.

H-Hoseok…

I want you to get out and follow Yoongi, no questions. He ordered, nearly yanking you out—it’s like he knew where you were all along. You hurriedly followed him up, eyes seeing that the body that was pressed against the door earlier acted like a shield in case anyone had shot your way—Hoseok had another way of seeing things.

“Hurry,” Yoongi breathed out the moment he held you in his hand, tugging you towards his motorcycle and he handed you the helmet, “Put this on,”

You didn’t waited for a second, slotting it on, tugging on the strap and he didn’t wait for you to put it properly because in the next, Yoongi had already revved the engine and sped down the road, dodging cars and breaking the road rules along the way as he had to get you to safety. That was the only thing he had in mind as he continued to go down the road, shifting to the left and right lane, not staying in the middle because once he started to hear bullets being fired from the back, he knew he had to speed up and lose these guys or you both would be the ones lost.

“Y-Yoongi,” You breathed out, arms clutching around his waist when he swiftly made a sharp right turn, going down the alleyway instead to the hideout.

“Just a bit more, we need to shake them off,” He cut you, not allowing you to speak as you squeezed his waist, needing to get his attention but he wasn’t listening to you—he was too focused into getting you to being safe that he didn’t know—

He pulled up to the garage as Seokjin opened up the shutter for him and quickly sealed it shut in the next. Yoongi let out a breath of relief once he had made it back, no one on his trail, no one following, no one coming and that he’s done it.

“Alright, what is it—“ Yoongi nearly felt his face paling when his eyes landed on you, turning around slightly to take a good look at you. Your eyelids could barely stay open, your lips parted and your face getting whiter by the second. You looked so lifeless, colorless—as if all life has been sucked out of you and if he doesn’t hurry, your life would really be sucked out from you. “N-No,” Yoongi breathed out, his body shaking as he got up from the motorcycle to get a good look at you.

His jaw fell, glancing down to the seat that what was leaking… was your blood. The heat that pressed against his lower back wasn’t your anxiety, it wasn’t the tension you felt from all of this—it was because you fucking got shot from the back.

“F-Fuck! Seokjin! Get the aid!”

Yoongi hurriedly came to you, lifting you up in an instant and he felt you wincing weakly as he carried you in his arms, not caring if his motorcycle fell down to the side with a loud thud because at this moment, there was no saying anymore what was about to go wrong. “N-No! Keep your eyes opened!” He scolded, literally screaming at you as he placed you down on the bed once he ran up the steps, his voice getting louder and louder as he panicked, watching your blood seep to the sheets of the mattress beneath you.

Fuck fuck fuck! Seokjin! He crawled down beside you, placing both hands on your stomach, halting the bleeding as Seokjin’s voice echoed back, what—

She got shot!

It was a dead pause of silence for a moment.

Fuck-—realization hit the other.

She’s losing blood, Seokjin! Hurry the fuck up!

W-Wait, I’m coming!

You couldn’t do as what Yoongi told you, keep your eyes opened. You couldn’t do what Seokjin was telling you as he appeared, please stay awake—because all you had in your mind was Hoseok… where are you?

Are you okay?

//

There was this loud gasp when you felt yourself twitching awake from the clang against the door and there were a lot of hissing, something like fuck, Jungkook, can’t you be more careful? Or even you’re going to wake her up, fuck’s sake.

It was a long process, deep silence, thumping heart, but your eyes managed to open after a while of just collecting yourself together to stare at the whiteness above your eyes. It took you a moment to keep your eyes opened because once you had them opened, you closed them once more, feeling the pain stinging in your lower torso, but one thing for sure is that the bullet was out and Seokjin had bandaged you properly in a way where it would hopefully lessen the pain but even with that, there was bound to be pain.

There was an exhale of relief being let out but you couldn’t really tell as you turned your head to the side, watching him watching you wake up as your eyes landed on his. You couldn’t tell what he was feeling at this point and you swore that you saw that solemn look in his eyes but then it clicked into you knowing what or why he was feeling this way as he looked at you. His hands clasped together on his lap, looming over his body a bit as he remained seated on the chair beside you.

Why wasn’t he saying anything…?

“H…Hoseok…” You breathed out quietly, one hand reaching for his and it’s like he flinched, as if he had not expected you to even touch him.

You felt a frown on your lips when he didn’t even look at you, his head hanging low, forehead pressed onto the top of his clasped hands as he let out a sigh.

So you tried again, placing your hand on one of his arms as your voice came out in a soft melody, a plea, “Hoseok…”

He swallowed the lump in his throat, his insides trembling as he looked at you, unable to speak when he wanted to, unable to say the words he wanted to even though he felt the terrible need to—it was for the best, it was for your best.

“I… I think we…”

“Don’t,” You stopped him once you knew where he was going with this—really? He’s not even going to give you a day or two until you recover?

“It’s for the best—“

Whose best?” You countered almost too quickly, unable to hold back the anger you felt bubbling in you despite being shot just an hour or two ago. You moved your hand away from him, grunting as you tried to sit up and he hissed when your face contorted in pain, feeling your nerves twisting as you had tried to get up. He nearly scowled at you, placing his hands on your waist to make you lie back down, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Trying to get you to stop,” You muttered under your breath as you couldn’t look into his eyes this time. He heaved out another deep breath, moving to sit beside you on the bed as he closed his eyes, feeling his tone change as he muttered softly, “I don’t want you to keep getting hurt…”

He allowed you to hold his hand—because really, he needed it too.

He felt your fingers lacing with his and almost immediately his eyes opened to look down on his hand in hand with yours, fingers fitting the spaces as if your hand was made for him to hold, your eyes staring at him with such love that it felt like a sin for you to love a person like him; the fact that you always said I love you to him made him feel like he didn’t deserve a person like you, he didn’t deserve someone that could ever accept him, he didn’t deserve your love.

“But you’re going to hurt me more if you do this…” You mumbled, squeezing his hand until he remained his stare at you, and you’re going to break yourself if you do something you don’t want to do… your voice was soft, it was weak but the words packed more than a punch and your words were solid as fuck. He was left to staring into your eyes, getting lost into the two dark pools that could easily reel him in and never let him go—he could see building a life with you, sharing the love that everyone could envy, loving you was too easy to do that he got accustomed to it and you were right.

He’s going to break himself if he ever tried to stop loving you.

He was going to crumble to pieces if he ever let you go.

“You always say the right things… it’s like you know,” He murmured, leaning over to press his forehead down on yours, his breath just hitting your lips, his skin on yours as he reached up to take your cheek in his palm, feeling his warmth on your skin made it feel like any pain in the world was bearable.

What do I know?” You questioned, smiling when you could see that whatever he had planned in saying, words of I think we should break up had easily changed to we’re going to stay stronger than ever as he fixed his eyes to settle on yours and yours only, “It’s like you know whatever I’m thinking, feeling—everything,

You let out a chuckle, though, it wasn’t such a good idea when it made your muscles tense and your laugher turn into a wince, clutching onto him with your other hand on his shoulder and he really scowled, “You’re not supposed to be laughing,”

“As if I could control that…” You grumbled, huffing at him but all he could do was smirk at you as he gave your lips a gentle peck before he murmured lowly, “How about I help you with that?”

“Come here, pretty boy,” You breathed out with a smile, your arms moving around to hold him by the neck and his lips melted against yours when they touched before they deepened with passion. From just five seconds to ten, and ten to thirty and then to many more seconds after that, you were left breathless and unable to think straight, the blood shooting straight to your mind with the amount of adrenaline kicking into you just feeling his lips working on yours, his tongue swirling on the tip of your own, his teeth purposely grazing against your bottom lip before he took it between his teeth, giving it a playful nip and he immediately pulled away when he felt you whimpering against his lips the moment you felt his weight pressing down on your wound.

“Aish,” He breathed out, face scrunching in guilt, “S-Sorry…”

You flashed him another smile, shaking your head as you leaned up gently to give his lips another generously long kiss before leaning back onto the pillow, “It’s alright…”

He stared into your eyes for a while more, feeling himself getting more lost by the second and it’s like anyone who had tried to give him a map to find his way out would get burnt a long time because he would never want to find a way out from getting lost in love with you. All he did was smile, feeling one of your hand in his, tightly interlocked while the other rested on your stomach, above your injury. His eyes seemed to relay a message but he brought it out into words instead.

I love you, so…so much… you know that, sincerity spoke.

I know, playfulness took a toll, you should know that I love you, too, genuine replied.

Even when I’m in the deepest of pain… Jung Hoseok, I’ll always love you, honesty add on, getting scowled by concern, don’t say that—I won’t let you get hurt again…

Regardless… through thick and thin, through it all—I’ll never leave you…, gentle admitted, laced with nothing but honesty.

Thank you, shyness took over, causing you to raise an eyebrow as you mumbled softly what for?

For loving me… staying by me… not leaving me…

You smiled. Idiot, you were about to leave me

He snorted. That’s why I’m the idiot…so thank you for loving an idiot like me.

All you could do was smile once more, before you completely shut him up with a kiss—not just one, of course.

I’d be the idiot if I didn’t love you, Jung Hoseok.