live life with love

*Watching random people’s vlogs from Vidcon because I couldn’t go and this makes me feel like I was kind of there, and also because I love seeing Matt and Steph interact with fans*

Person filming vlog: So guys, as you just saw I got to meet Matpat and his wife

Me:


(Gif credit to my friend GT_Streams on Twitter, ily B!)

Flashbacks - Living in the Past

I can be talking about my day.
I can be on my phone, looking through Tumblr.
I can be lying down with my love.
I can be in the back office making estimates.
I can be doing anything really…

It doesn’t matter if I’m happy.
It doesn’t matter if I’m having an amazing time.
There’s no telling when it would happen.

—Flashbacks appear out of nowhere.

Flashbacks are… horrible.
Well, least for me it is.
As a person who was diagnosed “majorly depressed” last year and was suicidal up until May 2017…
The flashbacks I experience is really not pleasant.
When I have a flashback, I freeze.
Personally, my flashbacks’ duration is very short.
About a second, if not, less.
It happens and disappears quickly,
kind of like a shooting star.
Although the actual flashback is short,
the affect caused by it lasts quite a while.

Personally, the flashbacks I experience are not me “remembering” things that happened… It’s me re-living that experience.
It’s as if I traveled through time.
I’m back to that day, and the pain I felt that day…
I experience again, as if it just happened for the first time…
My heart aches, just like how it did that day.
My heart feels like it’s getting squeezed, and it gets so hard to breathe…

You think that sucks? Well, it gets worse.

What’s crazy is…
My flashbacks…
Some are not my flashbacks.

What I mean by that is…
Some of the flashbacks I experience—
That memory I’m remembering, it did not happen to me…
It happened to someone else.
Confused? I don’t blame you.
Not sure how to explain this nonsense… 

Basically…

Basically, my brain is very good at imagining things.
If someone were to explain about their experience,
I’m not listening. I’m picturing.
My mind goes on a trip to that day,
and everything that’s being explained to me,
it’s happening right in front of me.
I’m there, with them—
They can’t see me.
I can’t talk to them.
All I can do is see it all happen,
as if I’m a ghost.
That’s not it, there’s more…
Not only am I picturing the experience,
but I can even hear the voices in their head.
Everyone in that setting’s voices in their head—
All thoughts going through their mind—
I can hear it all.

How she looked like to him,
the views he must’ve seen—
I see it all.
Just my imagination, of course.
Not only his view, but her views too.
The expressions he made,
His gentle smile…
His…
Everything.
I see it all,
from all angles.
Everything.

So when I have a flashblack, I freeze.
I feel like I’m getting suffocated in my memories,
in their memories—

Mind you, their memories,
Those are just my imagination.

I forgive people.
I don’t hold grudge towards people,
even if they hurt me,
I don’t hate them.
If anything they do not crosss my mind.
But if I were to bump into them, I wouldn’t mind.
I wouldn’t feel a ‘certain way’,
I can be respectful and polite.
Because I forgave them.

Even if I forgave them,
I live in the past.
That’s my bad habit.
I tend to live in the past.
I take really long to heal,
if not, I never heal.

They say, “People who live in the past, loses their future”

I sure do want to move forward.

But these flashbacks—

Oh, Dear God,

Help me.

I’m in a living hell.

A hell created by me.

Take life at a pace that feels right to you. No one said that you need to rush to get to the very end destination. There are no rules to see how fast one can live their life. Life is just simply meant to be lived. So take it slow, or take is a bit faster. Either way, make sure that it feels comfortable to you.
—  Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin