Missing You extra amounts today.
(not thinking, just feeling)
I wonder what my Opa would say now, if I was sitting with him in his old house’s lounge on a Saturday morning (the usual time being around 9am, before we headed off to Gateway so we missed the human traffic that occurred on the weekend), while watching some Austrian movie (always far too loud), and asked him his views on death.
I wonder what he would say if he knew how scared I was. If I told him this still keeps me up at night.
I wonder if he would still be wearing his favourite jersey with his favourite Adidas slops and his favourite sweatpants everyday.
“You need new clothes, Opi.” We’d say, while chuckling at our little old grandfather/father who didn’t seem to change his clothes. Ever.
Oh but don’t forget how smartly you’d clean up for the formal functions, my Opi. You were so handsome.
I miss you, Opa. I wish I wasn’t so selfish and didn’t allow my stupid fucking eating disorder to come in between me and my family. Goddammit Opi godfuckingdammit I wish I spent more time with you near the end. I needed more time with you, you were so wise and now your wife is in need of you. Your support. Your love. Your dearest ‘mousey’ is struggling with her tummy and having to sleep in a single bed. Alone.
I wish we could give her the comfort you could. But nothing replaces a human one commits ones life to.
I am so sorry I could never ask you the deeper questions. I would so LOVE to hear what you had to say. I am so sorry you only knew me from baby to selfish teen stage.
Oh, Opi. I have grown so much. If you were to see me now - You’d be so proud. I have changed so much. My morals and level-headedness has somewhat returned (hey, I’m only human) and this week, I did a little reevaluation regarding my life and my studies. I have new goals, high goals, goals you KNEW I was capable of.
You always told me: “You’re never going to have a problem (Well, listen. Between me and you, I know what this was about. You were a bit wrong about this but it’s okay. It’s okay.) You’re a very, very smart young lady.”
I am thinking of you too much lately. My heart is hurting now. I wish we were 10 minutes earlier in getting to the hospital. To have held your hand before you passed to your next (eternal) life - I would’ve given anything.
I love you so much (Didn’t tell you this enough. You should see how often I tell everyone I love now, that I love them! Especially Andrea (pronounced in your little Austrian accent). God, Opi. You would’ve loved my boyfriend. I’m going to marry him, Opi. I wish you’d met him. He is so intellectual and inspiring. He’s my muse. His passion is contagious.
I’m crying now.
It really stings, realizing wishes are just wishes and my hope of all aforementioned longings, will not extend beyond the hope stage.
My children will know about you one day.
Your accordion, your ability to play the piano (teaching me chopsticks (haha)), the guitar, the harmonica, those WEIRD Austrian instruments that I love so much. The list goes on. Your experience in this world was amazing. I am grateful you were privileged enough to see so much of the world.
Play nice upstairs, no flirting with the ladies, as I know you did best. (We joked around about this for years). Your game changer is still with us (THANK GOD) and looks forward to joining you for the rest of your lives. You two fought hard, but loved harder.
I aspire to have my own ‘mousey’. (Hi Kylie, I think we’ve made it x)
I love you. I miss you. Thank you for a wonderful 16 years of my life.
Goodnight, sleep peacefully. I’ll see you on the other side my darling Opa.