literature lolz

Dracula: Okay, my lawyer is here and he can’t know that I’m a vampire.

*sees Jonathan Harker shaving and holding up a mirror*

Dracula: CRAP THE GUY’S GOT A MIRROR

*comes up behind Harker and grabs the mirror out of his hands*

Dracula: SILLY MAN YOU DON’T NEED THIS

*chucks the mirror out the window and flees the scene making Curly’s ‘whoop whoop whoop’ sound*

*Harker just stands there, half his face covered in shaving cream, and has no idea how to react*

Dracula: Ha! He doesn’t suspect a thing!

1.25.15 || Sunday 2:51pm

The only way an individual should ever discuss classic literature.

This is my friend and I procrastinating, as we both have papers due tonight.

anxle

Beauty and the Beast was the only Disney romance that ever truly worked for me as a little girl. You know why? Because he gave her a big frigging library.

“You’re a monster! Literally, you are a monster! You’re holding me hostage! This is obscene!”

*sees all those books*

“On second thoughts, I am willing to negotiate. So you were good-looking before all the ‘witch turning you into a bear’ stuff happened, right? It’s fine if you weren’t, of course, but I have to know.”

*Me and the goth girl friend holding a séance in my bedroom* *Me* “Well, the old lady died right in this room. The real estate woman admitted as much when she sold us it.”

*Her* “How old was she?”

*Me* “Um, 96, going by what the neighbour said. She died peacefully in her sleep.”

*Her*  “Is that the type of situation that involves someone coming back as a ghost?” 

*Me*  “Technically, no. But I really would like to ask why she thought this hideous yellow wallpaper was a good idea. Yellow!?”

At 16, I really would buy many candles and raise the dead for anything.  

*That old boyfriend* “You think you’re so smart, huh? You and the books.” *Me* “Nah, I’m pretty sure I’m just an idiot. Reading Jane Austen a lot doesn’t change that. Sometimes I say smart-ass things but, mostly, yeah, I’m an idiot. It’s how I ended up with you, obviously.”

He didn’t really know what to say after that.