1. You are in the dark. You steal someone else’s light bulb. You are briefly enlightened to the pain and suffering of the world. Then some bastard cuts your electricity supply.
2. You are in the dark. You pay a rogue time traveller a large but unspecified sum to import a literary salon from the 1750s to enlighten yourself. A philosopher escapes from the salon and causes an episode of epistemic havoc in your home town. You are banned from the local corner store. The sun comes up the next morning, as usual.
3. You eat a book on photonic flummery. Your digestive system is enlightened. The unsettling light of a distant, alien sun shines from your arsehole for evermore. It is surprisingly useful when visiting the bathroom at night, but the constant hunt for opaque undergarments is tiring.
4. You are in the dark. That light is an oncoming train. You catch the train and ride it to the end of the line, out to where the rails spool loose out into space and anyone with a skateboard can ride onwards from the depot into the endless, relativistic night. You are not only enlightened but become light, all m-c-squared of it. You dance until the end of the Universe.
5. You are in the dark with a single black rose and a net veil, dangling a glass of absinthe from a rowan twig in the hope of ensnaring an approaching poet. The poet offers you enlightenment but you refuse, because light is terrible for your complexion. You offer the poet endarkenment. The poet accepts.
6. You are not really in the dark. Nevertheless, you decide to dive your spaceship into the Sun, thereby first achieving enlightenment, then achieving on-fire-ment, and then laying the groundwork for next year’s Darwin award for over-literalism.
7. You are in the dark. You have been cursing the darkness for some twenty years. You are now quite good at it. You are approached by a recruiter for a startup aimed at outsourcing the swearing needs of busy executives, and accept a very generous offer. They throw in a branded anglepoise lamp for free. You are enlightened, but lose all inspiration.