literally what i tell myself everyday

Not just a kids game - Destiel

It was Saturday night and after a long day of hunting, the two Winchesters sat in the bunker accompanied by a certain blue eyed Angel and his brother Gabriel.

The four close friends sat in a rather misplaced circle in the center of the living room with a bowl of popcorn begging to be eaten in the middle of them.

“You okay Cas?” Dean asked in a caring tone, it’s became a habit for Dean to look out for his best friend.

“Yeah, I’m fine Dean.” Castiel assured, gaining an eye roll from Gabriel, apparently the only one that can see how in love they are.

“Let’s do something fun, what about playing truth or dare? Spin the bottle? You know any of those mischievous teenage party games?” Gabe asked through an upcoming smirk.

“You can’t be serious?” Dean asked, eyeing him up in curiosity, unable to tell if the trickster is joking or not.

“Oh, I can assure you, I’m serious. C'mon I’ll start. Sam, truth or dare?” Gabe asked, however there wasn’t really much up for discussion, he was pretty set on playing the dumbfound game.

“Truth” Sam chose, edging closer to Gabriel as he awaited his truth.

“Always picking the easy option… Have you ever kissed a boy?” Gabe questioned through an increasing smirk and a quick bat of eyelashes causing Sam to forget what he was about to say.

“Yes” Sam returned simply, however he did look over to his brother hoping for a good expression to be laid on his face; luckily the older of the two smiled in a comforting way, letting the younger know that he was supported.

“Did you like it?” Gabe pushed.

“That’s two questions. Dean truth or dare?” Sam mumbles, still a little embarrassed and shook about him basically coming out to his brother. He didn’t so much mind about the other two, he was pretty sure they already knew.

“Dare” Dean requests confidently, with his signature defiant bitch face on.

“Sit on someone’s lap until I say you can get up, you can choose who.” Sam dares Dean, making Dean look around the room, evaluating and choosing carefully, although he knew who he was going to choose as soon as Sam dared him.

He shuffled closer to Castiel and mumbled shyly to the Angel:

“Mind if I umm?” Dean asks, cheeks reddening by the second.

“No, not at all.” Castiel gladly allowed the elder Winchester to take a seat on his lap, Dean draped his right arm around the back of Cas’ neck and the left around the front. As they shuffled around a little to get comfortable Dean thought of who he was asking next.

“My turn. Cas, truth or dare?” The boy sitting underneath Dean turned to face he who had asked the question and was now inches away from his face, pupils dilating and lust growing by the second.

“I’d like truth” He said in a polite manner. As he usually does.

“Pretty basic question but who do you like?” Dean took the chance in asking, come on what’s the worst that can happen?

“I like you all, and I like the pizza man who taught me things and I like-” The brown haired boy was cut of by his slightly amused/slightly annoyed big brother.

“No you idiot, who do you like like? Who do you love? As more than a friend.”

“I um, do I have to answer?”

“Of course you do!” Sam and Gabe instructed.

“No, Cas you don’t. Not if you don’t want to, you can just pass.” Dean softly reassures the man sitting beneath him.

“Pass” He answered calmly.

“Well whoever she is, she’s a lucky girl.” Dean stated, earning a blush from Cas and a loud burst of laughter from the other two in the room.

“How oblivious are you? He doesn’t like any girl, he never has. He isn’t into girls.” The obnoxious brother of Castiel’s spits out through muffled laughs causing Dean to look to Cas to see if this was true, he couldn’t believe he’d never realized, although some things made more sense now.

“Uh, yeah I um, it’s true.” Castiel awaited a sour look or rude comment but instead was presented with a slightly shocked but happy face, almost as if someone was pleased with the news he had just received, almost as if he was hopeful.

“Sam, truth or dare?” Castiel asked the youngest Winchester in hopes to change the topic.


“I dare you to kiss Gabriel.” He took this moment to get his revenge for what Gabe had just done.

The two smirked at the dare, Sam positioning himself so he could lock lips with the trickster, soon enough the two had broke the remaining distance and were softly pressing each other’s lips against the others, Gabe rolled his tongue over Sam’s begging for entrance. Sam parted his lips allowing him access causing the two to deepen the kiss and forget about the others watching.

“Get a room” Dean said sarcastically, causing everyone to look at him, however Sam and Gabriel’s weren’t as innocent of looks as Castiels. They were more glaring at him.

“Gabe, truth or dare?” Sam asked through an undeniable blush.

“Dare, is that even a question? Of course I’m going to say dare.”

“ I dare you to… Uhh, down three shots of vodka.” He said, however he wasn’t thinking straight and realised as soon as he said it that this was probably the stupidest dare in existence.

“Really Sam?” Gabriel said as he downed the shots without a problem.

“Cassie, truth or dare?” The oldest of the Pair asked.

“Truth, I know the dares you give.” Castiel reminded the four.

“I’m offended, anyway. Who’s the hottest person in the room?” Castiel turned to face the wall before shyly admitting.

“Dean” was all he said, unable to turn back to face him.

“You’re not lying” Dean smirked causing Sam and Cas to scoff.

“Dean, truth or dare?” Cas asked.

“Dare” Dean answered, smirking with his choice.

“Oh um Gabriel can you dare him, I can’t come up with good dares”

“Sure little bro, Dean i dare you to kiss Castiel for five seconds.” Gabriel said through another enormous smirk, does he have any other facial expression? The other three wondered curiously.

“Too easy, Cas you okay with that?” Dean asked Castiel, earning an unsure nod from him.

“C'mon just imagine I’m some guy you like”

“Yeah cassie, that shouldn’t be hard should it?” Gabriel teased sarcastically, aware of who his younger brother liked.

Castiel nodded in an uncertain way, glaring at his brother. Dean then changed his current position moving his legs so that he was straddling the Angel, this way he was able to kiss him.

Dean lent forward pressing their lips together, he started slow not wanting to pressure Castiel, but then felt the Angels tongue pressing on his lips, begging for entrance; this he allowed him happily. He started sub consciously moving his hands in a gentle motion, pulling at the back of the Angels hair softly causing a small moan to be released by the smallest of the two.

After what seemed like an eternity Dean pulled away, gasping for air while smiling to the boy In front of him. He got up and placed himself on the floor next to Castiel, Dean then turned to him as he heard a small sniffle. What he saw broke his heart, Cas had accidentally let tears build up in his ocean blue eyes, letting one slip just as Dean turned to look.

“I’ll be right back” Was all the Angel said before swiftly running to the bathroom and closing the door.

“Shit. Am I that bad of a kisser?” Dean said in a worried tone, before following the previous footsteps from Castiel and heading to the bathroom.

“It’s Dean, I’m coming in.” He said Before cautiously opening the bathroom door and walking in, making sure to close the door behind him.

“Was it something I did? I’m sorry, but hey I’m not that bad of a kisser right?” Dean laughed, trying to lighten the mood and cheer up the innocent boy crying in front of him.

“No, you’re not, you’re really good. But Gabriel only done that because he knew!” Castiel choked out, rubbing his cheeks trying to clear them of the tears slipping out, but it was no use as more just kept spilling.

“Knew what? Cas you’re scaring me, tell me what’s wrong.” Dean said as he shuffled closer to the Angel, taking a seat next to him and placing his hand on Castiels knee in a comforting way.

“He knows I like- I like you. In that way. In the non-platonic more than a friend sort of way, that I’d never tell you that since the day I raised you from perdition I didn’t care about my duties, my responsibility. I just cared about you, and keeping you safe. That I hate myself everyday because I know you’re not interested and will never like me. That I would literally die for you- that I’m so in love with you and I’ve never even known what love felt like till I met you, I didn’t even know emotion until I met you.” The Angel finally broke, falling into Dean’s arms.

The love confession hit Dean like a truck, Cas likes him? Cas, the beautiful innocent angel? Loves the likes of him? Dean couldn’t contain himself any longer, he was in love with Castiel, he didn’t care anymore, the sight of his Angel breaking down in his arms over him hit a fucking switch and suddenly he didn’t care about anything other than fixing him, after all, that is what Cas always done for him.

“Cas, I- I love you, I didn’t tell you because I thought I didn’t have a chance, that there was no point ruining our friendship, I’m in fucking love with you.” Dean admitted, causing the Angel to lunge forward at him with an huge, wide smile planted across his perfect face.

Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s neck and pressed his lips against Castiel’s, his soft, perfect lips, the feeling sent fireworks off inside the two, a weird tingling sensation in their stomach’s.

“C'mon lets go to my room.” Dean said as he pulled away from the soft kiss, already missing the feeling of the angles lips against his own. He held his hand out for Castiel to take, which he gladly took, pulling himself up.

They walked out of the bathroom hand in hand and headed towards Dean’s room.

“We’re going, uh we’re leaving, see you’s later” Dean awkwardly informed his brother and Gabriel, he made a mental note to have a small chit chat with him later, but for now, he has an angel to look after.

Dean laid down, pulling Castiel down with him and wrapping his arms around him.

“This doesn’t mean I’m gonna wear a dress.” The Winchester said, earning a kiss from Castiel along with a chuckle.

“Nobody’s asking you to. Although you do have really nice legs.” Cas said.

“Oh shut up”

The two curled up together in bed, Dean had one hand wrapped protectively around Cas’ waist and the other resting peacefully under the Angels soft, dark hair.

“G'night Cas. I love you.” Dean spoke softly.

“Love you too Dean” Cas replied through a content smile, it wasn’t as if he was actually going to sleep but he enjoyed watching how calm and innocent Dean looked in his sleep.

Dean leant down and pressed a light kiss to the Angels head. To his Angels head.

anonymous asked:

Bakusquad asking bakugo for sex advice since hes the only one getting laid 😂

omg YES

  • First, he’d be like “FUCK OFF THAT NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,”
  • “Aw come on dude! You’re literally the last person to have sex with someone, so we wanted to know how you managed to get a partner int the first place!”
  • “So we figured that you must be really good at sex since we heard them screaming your name every other night”
  • Bakugou is literally a blushing mess trying to cruse them out
  • after a while I see him harshly insulting why each of them for the false myths they thought were real
  • “You guys are lost cause,”
  • “HEY WAIT-”
  • He would just get mad from all the teasing and tell them to fuck off
  • they would ask his s/o, embarrassing him in the process 
  • “How the hell are you two even together???”
  • “I ask myself that everyday” “What are you guys talking about?”

tenpointstohufflepuff  asked:

You really are a cheerleader! I admire it very much and wish I had your positive outlook. Serious question: have you ever been disappointed/upset/frustrated by the show?



I’m gonna give you a rundown of when that happened, so you don’t think I’m just an overly positive android (too soon?)! 

Let’s start with the “Pilot”. Yes. The Pilot. So like. I was so intrigued with this show because I had seen the Iron Man movies and The Avengers and really liked Coulson, so when I found out he was getting his own show, I was so pumped.

And then when I selected it to watch on Hulu, I immediately pressed “pause” maybe ten minutes through.

I was already over it. The show seemed too cheesy. I wasn’t gripped by any of the characters. Coulson was too Coulson-y (gasp. I shutter to think that these things actually went through my brain. But hey. It’s the truth.) 

So I stopped it. Watched something else. And didn’t think about the show for awhile.

Do you know why? 

Do you fucking know why? 

Because I hadn’t met FitzSimmons yet.

I’m telling you. They didn’t even come on the screen. So I was like… this show’s dumb. And didn’t give it a chance. (I should’ve.) 

So a year goes by. 

A year. 

One day, I decide to watch it past the ten minute mark. 

And that’s when I met FitzSimmons and actually watched the rest of the episode, and I was sold.

At least… to the FitzSimmons part of it.

And then the whole story grew on me. I was hooked after “FZZT” (weren’t we all?), and then even more so after “Turn Turn Turn” (weren’t we all?). 

Not gonna lie. Season 2 was super frustrating to watch when it aired (and that was after binging the first six). I was very underwhelmed by the FitzSimmons relationship and development. And then Jemma’s whole conversation with Bobbi and then her following conversation with Fitz? I was like… ummmm… where are they going with this? 

I wasn’t even blown away with the mid-season 2 finale like I should’ve been because I was like, “but FitzSimmons, though?”. 

I fell asleep through “The Things They Bury”. Several times. That happened. And “Melinda”. That happened too.

But my biggest disappointment/frustration is incredibly ironic. Because I pretty much *gave up* on the show when the season 2 finale aired and they finally made their date, and Jemma finally confessed her feelings, and then she was swallowed up by. a. rock..

When that happened, I was literally like, “Fuck this show.” 

And didn’t even plan to continue watching it. And then – by happenstance – decided to catch the season 3 premiere.



Then I fell asleep through “Purpose in the Machine” (not during the Fitz parts). That happened too. 

But once Fitz got Jemma back? I was hooked, lined, and sinkered. 

And then “4,722 Hours”. And seeing the Will/Jemma relationship (even though it was clear to me where it was going before) left me absolutely gutted.

A literal gut punch.

I know I’m the biggest Will fan now, but back then after the first watch? I was so pissed. 

The thing that first got me changing my tune was listening to Elizabeth’s podcast in This Week in Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. in regards to that episode (I highly recommend you listen to these podcasts. It will give you a newfound appreciation for the show. The people involved in this work love it so dearly, and you can really tell.). She almost issued an apology to the FitzSimmons shippers where you could hear actual concern in her voice, and I was like… why is this actress apologizing for her character? It just made me stop in my tracks and really consider what I was expecting from the show. And why she felt the need to apologize. Or at least explain Jemma’s motivations. 

So that was stewing in my brain for a bit, and then I got a bit frustrated that the Lincold/Daisy romance escalated so quickly when all FitzSimmons got was a fist bump. And then things started looking up from there, so I was happy as a clam with the result. But I was still very underwhelmed with the final four after 3x18. (Where’s FitzSimmons????)

And then a number of things happened. 

I started writing Glimpses where I had to go back and re-watch and really pick apart the characters’ psyches. I started chatting with other fans who would be like, “remember this scene?”, and I’d be like, “No.” (Because it wasn’t FitzSimmons.) Like. Before. I literally couldn’t tell you what happened in “T.R.A.C.K.S.”. I thought they were going back in time because I barely paid attention to the narrative. Goodness. Yes, this was me.

And then things got so stressful in my personal life, I could barely stand it. I cried everyday. And I just sort of subconscious bitchslapped myself, “Okay, dude. You can go into season 4, only paying attention to the FitzSimmons romance and expecting to be rewarded. Or you can go into season 4 and watch the show for what it is. And find joy. The only bit of joy in your life right now (I’m not dramatic. You’re dramatic.)” 

So I did. And the moment I was like, “That was an awesome episode!” – whether I believed it at the moment or not – it did something to me. Not right away. I faked it ‘til I made it. I didn’t let myself become overly critical of the episodes anymore because I was like, “What do you have to gain if you keep looking for disappointment?” So I didn’t.

And the magical thing is…

It fucking worked.

The more I was like, “I really liked that episode,” the more I actually did. I know. This sounds like Director Mace motivational garbage. But for me, it really, truly worked. 

And then. 

I re-watched the entire show. NOT. JUST. THE FITZSIMMONS. SCENES.

And I realized I missed out on a lot. Like. A lot when I solely focussed on those two before. 

I found myself crying in episodes I fell asleep in before. I did not fall asleep through any of them this time. The re-watch only increased my love and passion and zeal for the show tenfold. 

And I began to really, truly appreciate the show for what it was: an ensemble show in a superhero genre, focussing on character development and human conflict. 

Then I listened to every single podcast from the site I mentioned earlier. Only increased my zeal. 

Then I found two separate reaction video dudes who watch the show with a fervor that I’ve only matched recently. Because they’re not exclusively FitzSimmons shippers (they both ship FitzSimmons, but that’s besides the point). Their reactions and love for the show are so pure and good, and it was so refreshing to see the show through their eyes.

So. Yes. I admittedly started out as a sole FitzSimmons watcher. I loved their relationship so much, but I didn’t love the show as much. 

Now, I still love their relationship, but the show has captivated me as well. 

Focussing on the positives really gave me a genuine appreciation for the show. I have a newfound love for all the characters, not just FitzSimmons. I used to be indifferent about Bobbi, and now I think she’s a rockstar (heh). Daisy’s my third favorite character when I was in the “This isn’t the Daisy show” camp beforehand. May’s backstory is heartbreaking, and Jeffery Mace is the man. I could go on and on about everyone. 

So… to bring it back… yes. There have been times when I was underwhelmed and frustrated. 

But I can now tell you exactly what happened in “T.R.A.C.K.S.” and can enjoy each and every episode every time I re-watch it. I love all of them because this is my favorite show. 

I promise you I did not start out as a cheerleader. But being a cheerleader has increased my joy a hundred times over. 

I highly recommend it. 

You’ll see the show in a whole new light. 

And. it’s. awesome

nothing fucking ever works out for me. Like I’ve watched my family and friends get in and out of good and bad relationships and job opportunites left and right and not one thing has fallen in my path. I try to put myself out there and meet new people I try to find new things to do and I’m literally just shot down constantly. Nothing good has ever ever EVER happened for me. Literally never. No one can even deny it either and that’s what’s really starting to upset me. Like my friends can’t even offer me hope anymore because it’s lookin pretty grim. And don’t get me wrong I am filled with happiness for my family and friends I absolutely love watching the people I love succeed and find the happiness they deserve but I just literally don’t get why life can’t give me one break. Just ONE. I try not to give up hope and I try to be happy everyday and just tell myself it’s gonna happen eventually cuz it has to. But my heart hurts and I’m lonely. I’m unhappy and I have no help. And idk how much longer I can do this

anonymous asked:

what happened in your last relationship that made you two break up?

lots of shit. mostly because my ex girlfriend cheated on me 3 times, we fought literally everyday, and she was really mentally abusive towards me. she would tell me i’m worthless, a piece of shit, called me fat, and she told me to kill myself a couple of times, etc. i got fed up with it and finally left a little while ago. that was the best decision i’ve ever made for myself.

Fat Boys and What We're Told

Society teaches you that no one wants fat boys… What they forget to do is stop calling you, “fat.”

“He used to be fat.”

“He was fat.”

“He’ll probably always view himself as fat.”

“Well, he’s not fat anymore, he used to be, but he’s not now.”

“He’s still a little soft, but man, he used to be fat.”

You have any idea how hard losing a significant amount of weight fucks with you?

Do you understand how hard it is to not be afraid of food?

Have you ever had a panic attack at a restaurant, surrounded by friends, because you’re convinced everything on the menu will send your weight skyrocketing again?

Do you understand how hard it is to not let calories control you?

Do you know how hard it is to take your shirt off, even in front of someone you love, when you have only ever viewed yourself as overweight and unwanted, because the world has taught you that there is something inherently wrong with you?

Do you know how hard it is to not go back? How most days it just feels like it would be so much easier to go back to being what was considered ‘wrong,’ rather then continue to fight and see if you can one day be considered 'right’?

Do you know how it feels to be covered in stretch marks? Purple, red, dark.

Do you know how terrifying it is to think that you might not stretch back?

Do you know what it feels like to run until your thighs rub themselves bloody against each other? How much that hurts? To keep running despite that, because society has made you so desperate? I have scars. I see that shit everyday. I see what society can push a fucking sixteen year old kid to do, everyday. It can push us to hate our bodies so much that we will bleed to try and be accepted.

Four hundred pounds was what I knew for a long time.

And now that person is gone.

I’ve literally had to mourn the loss of myself for years. Four hundred pounds or not, that was still me.

Society teaches us that no one wants fat boys.

What they forget to tell us is that we’re the ones that are holding the gun. That we have to carry this with us.

Yes, we might be healthier now…

… But that was us.

And you chose not to accept us.

So, don’t tell me that weight loss is easy. Do not tell me that it is simple. Do not tell me that you just have to count calories and watch your macros. Do not assume that you will be the same on the other side. Easy? What part of this has been easy? It’s been like walking through mud for the last seven years.

And when I tell you that everyone I’ve ever dated has left for someone skinnier, and that that fucks with my head, do not scoff at that insecurity. It is an insecurity instilled in me by fashion magazines, male models, superhero figures, and athletes. By the idea that the “ideal” man has six pack abs, chiseled pecs, and monstrous arms. By the people that told me, “A girl could never love someone as fat as you.”

And when I tell you that I can’t find a shirt that hugs me right, don’t brush it aside. Yes, this shirt fits, I know. But it just doesn’t feel… right. It touches the wrong spots. It’s too much of a reminder.

Do you know what it’s like to have your mother find you crying in the clothing aisle? Your brain so overwhelmed and self conscious? To have to fight panic attacks every time you shop for clothes, because that feels like something you’re not skinny enough to do? That your body doesn’t deserve that button up, that’s for hot guys. You get the baggy tee shirt.

If you think women and men should look and act a certain way, you are the problem.

I was a kid.

A child.

Re-read that last line again, please.

And now consider it for a moment… Consider the gravity of it.

And your world, my world, the world that we share, drove me to not eating enough and running in a hoodie and long sleeves in the middle of the August heat until my thighs were bleeding and my feet were blistered, bloody. Thank god I finally found people that taught me how to safely lose weight. Thank god for my friends who helped shift my mentality to something far more positive.

I am a good person. I am loving. I give a shit. I check on the people I care about. I make sure that the people I love are okay. I try to be helpful. If I think something is wrong, if someone is acting different, hell yes I am going to ask if everything is okay. Sometimes people think I’m overbearing, but the hell with that. I’ve seen what happens when we stop checking on one another, when we stop actively making an effort to be there for others. People spiral, feel unwanted, ignored. That never ends well.

I bust my ass everyday to be a good person, to give everyone everything I have. To send as much good as I can out into the world. I know I won’t get most of it back, but that’s not the point. The point is to let others know that people do care about them, regardless of their shape or size. That how you look in the mirror does nothing to define you. That you always have merit.

I will not condone a society that tells people that no one will want them if they’re overweight. I’m one person, but I’ll kick and scream until I’m hoarse to fight back against that idea.

People ask me why I love coaching. You know why?

Because I never want someone to feel as though they are less. I do not allow negative self talk in my class. You’re there. You are doing your best and busting your ass to get healthy. I am not going to let you do it for the same reasons I did; out of desperation and the panic of never finding love. That’s why I love coaching. Because it affords me the chance to make sure at least the people that come to my class understand that there is NOTHING wrong with them. And that SOMEONE understands and that SOMEONE will never say, “Well, you’re not fat anymore.” I’ll say, “You’re busting your ass. You’re working hard. Be proud of that.”

Society taught me that no one would ever love me as long as I was “fat.” And I am going to fight so hard to make sure that no one feels like I did.

Break your mirror.
Throw away your scale.

Love your body.
Love yourself.
Be kind.

Dude, you’re sexy as hell.

Health is what’s important. Kindness is what’s important. Be kind. Gain your health.

You got this.

I used to be really bad. I would spend half an hour or sometimes more prepping myself to walk outside the doors to my house. Legit having to talk to myself and tell myself I could do it. Having to go to work everyday was a struggle. Just seeing people is still a struggle I’m kind of getting over recently. But I still have a hard time forming sentences to my first few customers of the day. I used to not be able to drive. Like it scared me so much. What if someone I knew saw me. Or just anyone saw me. Literally just being seen scared me. Which is a confusing concept to me. Cuz I hate being unnoticed but like I wanna be noticed?? Plus it made me sick.

I can’t stand it when someone compliments me. Like if I’m wearing new clothes it scares me that someone will point it out and say I look nice. If they say something mean than whatever. I used to have so many clothes in my closet that no one has ever seen me in. I only have a few items now. But I’m getting better. And I freak if they say something about my haircut. I used to have to get a haircuts on the day my weekend started just so I could get used to the idea of how I looked when my work week started. And would play out scenarios in my head for what people would possibly say. I think I felt it growing my senior year in highschool. Like I tell myself I punished myself for bad grades so I couldn’t audition for the musical. I separated myself from the thing that made me the happiest. Drama club. All my friends would be like where were you. One even yelled at me for not making it to rehearsals. I just couldn’t go anymore. And I understand it now. But one time I was in drama CLASS and I was surrounded in a circle of groups at all angles talking and I could just hear my ear drums vibrate. Or so it felt. And I couldn’t breathe. And I struggled with grocery stores for a long time. Especially the Fred Meyers produce section which somehow was always crowded with people. So I would make excuses and say I had to check out something. Cuz if I was in that space I was holding back so much whining and I wanted to cry. I don’t know. But yeah. Literally just so randomly formed. Thanks for reading this mess if you did. I’m getting better now!

when I was training to be a martial art instructor, we did a section on prejudice and how to treat everyone equally in a class
I brought up the expression ‘don’t punch like a girl’
a guy said ((and I literally quote)) 'I think that’s okay, it can be a motivator for girl in my class, I tell them not to punch like a girl and they punch properly’
I was too intimidated by this black belt hench man to stand up for myself then
I wish I had
Every word of what he said freaked me out
Women work harder because they don’t want to be a women
And this man thought that was okay

Owning up

I remember why I started this blog.

I saw a picture on the worldwide web of a nightstand that was made from an oak tree stump. I wanted to recreate it. So I followed the link. Spent the next two days chopping down a tree in my parents backyard, chiseling off the bark, sanding it down to make it useable next to my bed.

I found the original picture on a blog on this website. I scrolled through the pictures and fell in love.

So I started my own. I was a 20 year old college student drowning in my studies to become a nurse and juggling being a two sport collegiate athlete. I longed for a dog. I relished the outdoors and longed to be there than in the library.

4 years later, I’m done with school. I have an incredible husky. I’m no longer an athlete and I’m practically a lumberjack with the amount of time I spend outside.

But now, I’m a trauma nurse.

The magnitude and weight of those words can not be quantified.

Why am I writing this? For myself. I never started this blog for anyone but myself. Putting my words down has always helped me get a grip on my feelings and my emotions.

How do I tell myself about what I’ve seen over the last year and explain to myself why I’ve gotten away from this blog?

It all comes back to those two words. Trauma nurse.

I’m 24 and walk into work everyday not knowing if I’m going to be the last person someone sees alive. I’ve held someone’s heart in my hand after a thoracotomy has failed and the manual compressions I was performing weren’t enough. I’ve had to be the first to tell parents of a newborn that they will never again hear their child cry. I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible. Literally, it’s unimaginable.

Taking my nightly antidepressants has become a habit I don’t even think twice about. If I close my eyes, the only thing I see is blood and death. Thus, I’ve turned to prescribed sleeping aids just to be able to wake up and do it all over again.

I’m practically going through the motions when I’m not in the middle of life and death.

However, it is the only time I feel truly happy. I’m that sick and twisted.

Im constantly asked me why I do what I do. Why I willingly choose to take the hard road.

I always respond the same way. Simple: why do you assume I see two roads? I don’t necessarily believe in God. But I cannot deny that there is a higher power. For I know, that no matter how trying and difficult my job and life has become, I know beyond a reasonable doubt that this is the life I was created for.

I’m sorry to myself for stepping away from this blog for a year. But I’m finally to a point where I know who I am, and it’s time I accept that.


- When it comes to Fashion … I truly love everything about it.
I’m not the #FashionIsLife kinda kid but I do have it on my mind 24/7 therefore my style will always evolve because it comes naturally from my accessories to my undershirt that no one will probably see because it’s under 2 other shirts, no matter what kinda weather if it’s pouring outside, 6 feet of snow or over 100 degrees out it doesn’t matter & that’s my point I don’t do it for anyone or anything woman,compliments,social media my career etc … I literally only do it for myself because it’s me, I know I’ll be iconic one day because I tell myself that I’ll be everyday I promise you I do and I say it out loud not in my head …
I am my Craft
- Instagram: Orlando_Devon
- SnapChat: Orlando_Devon

(#3) 'I Don't Mind'

‘Can Ms (Y/L/N) please report to the principal’s office?’


I had never been to the principal’s office before and hearing my name on the tannoy honestly made my bones jump. I slowly rose from the seat grabbing my books and quickly placing them in my bag, ignoring the curious looks and the sniggers coming from the rest of the class. They were probably wondering why the ‘quiet’ girl was called to the principal’s office, and to be honest I was more confused than them. As I left the class and walked the hallway, I felt as if the walls were closing in on me.


‘Is this how it feels getting into trouble?’, I said to myself.


I went to one of the most impressive schools in the state, well that’s what the teachers tell us everyday when we misbehave. You know how they say ‘Don’t judge a book by it’s cover’, well, that’s how my school is, we may seem all suits and ties on the outside but you come inside and there is literally danger in every corner, I mean there’s a guy smoking behind the lockers right now-


Ooh, I think he saw me, better avoid eye contact.


Where was I? Oh yeah, how bonkers my school is, well, there’s usually students doing the dirty in the classrooms, and I’m pretty sure a teacher was on strike last year for trying to hook up with a student while the school board was having a look around and you want to know what my principal did? He told the school board they were ‘newlyweds, can’t keep their hands off each other’. I think they’re still seeing each other, and it’s not even a secret anymore, I mean the girl literally slapped his ass while he walked pass and he just grinned. What the hell?


I wasn’t the typical ‘quiet shy nerd’, I was just quiet because I didn’t want to get involved in anyone’s dramas. I learnt that the hard way, I think my first year at this school, there was a huge argument in the hallway between what seemed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, I walked past trying to reach the office when the guy literally grabbed my wrist and explained the WHOLE argument to me and asked me who was in the wrong. Seriously, though.


I usually stayed in the back of the classroom, the main reason for that was so I get a teensy bit of extra time during the end of a test, while the teachers are collecting the papers. They usually start from the front and take years just to reach the back. I wasn’t a straight A student, more of a B/C student but there was the occasional A that came up in the tests. One time, just this one time I got an A+ and words could not describe the happiness that rose within me when I saw the ‘+’, I mean yeah the ‘A’ was there but my eyes were glued onto the ‘+’. I wasn’t exactly shy, I talked to everyone and didn’t stutter when I was nervous and when I walked the hallway well, there was one thing on my mind, ‘Where the heck is the next class?’ and ‘Why do the students look like buzzing bees, can’t they walked in a straight line instead of moving from one side to the other?’. Sometimes, when no-one was around I would walk the hallway like I owned it, I guess you could say I was weird.




I didn’t even realize that I had reached the principal’s office and must’ve been standing there for a while now, since the receptionist was just staring to the wall and back to me. God, that was awkward. I told her that the principal called and all she said was,


‘Your a weird one’.


No, you’re the weird one, I wanted to say that but couldn’t open my mouth as the principal stepped out. He smiled at me and gestured for me to enter. Ooh, maybe I’m not in trouble.


As soon as I got in, I noticed a boy, or man. Or in between? Anyway, he was sprawled across the chairs and I noticed how he looked like he didn’t have a care in the world. He must’ve been around the same age as me, or maybe older. He had tattoos, ALOT of them, he was dressed in all black, with some suede shoes and a shirt that must’ve had only the last 2-3 buttons buttoned up. You could see everything, it was like those girls that showed their cleavage except he was a guy. Yeah, that kinda makes sense, right?


Wait a second, is he sleeping?


I quickly sat next to the principal, and he immediately started speaking-


‘This is Harry, Harry Styles, he is a transfer student from England. I apologize if it seemed as if you were in trouble but I couldn’t exactly leave him in here to look for you.’ He gestured towards Harry and I couldn’t help but grin. ‘Anyway, I needed a responsible student to help him out, and show him around and you and him share nearly all the same classes. If you wouldn’t mind, can you take care of him?’-


‘I don’t need taking care of, I am perfectly capable of finding my classes’. A deep, deep, raspy voice came from behind me and made me jump in my seat. When I turned around I expected to see this new boy, Harry, still sprawled across the chairs but instead he was standing right in front of me while looking down at me. And well my face was right next to his umm, yeah. I quickly looked up and was greeted by green eyes and brown curls that in my opinion were a bit too long. But he managed to pull it off with the bandana.


‘Harry, you have no say in this, (Y/N) will be showing you around, if you need anything you go to her’. I heard Harry groan, and the principal got out of his seat and opened the door. I was just about to get up when Harry gently pushed my shoulder down, and sat me back in my seat and he crouched down and whispered in my ear,


‘Guess we’re stuck with eachother’.


Is it possible for ears to sweat? Because I’m pretty sure my ear was sweating. I quickly got up and headed towards the door. Harry followed behind me.




‘So, what’s your first lesson?’, I noticed that the corridors were becoming crowded, probably because the bell had just rang to switch from 1st to 2nd period. The guys were all glaring at Harry and I’m pretty sure, one guy was holding his crotch. The girls were quickly walking past him, probably because they were intimidated by him. They all kept their heads down. ‘What are you looking at?’ Harry asked one of the jocks. I quickly grabbed Harry’s wrist and pulled him away from the crowd. ‘Harry, don’t say things like that to him’, I whispered, harshly. ‘Why, what’s he going to do? Give me a booboo?’, I knew he was being sarcastic as he turned his lips into a pout and made himself look like a lost puppy. ‘Yes, he will give you a booboo which will probably make you end up in hospital, Harry, please just stay away from him, he isn’t a nice guy’, I nervously said the last part as I know what happens when you get on the wrong side of him. ‘Did he do something to you?’,  Harry asked, he actually looked as if he was a bit worried but not for himself. ‘I don’t think we know each other that well, to be telling each other our secrets’, I quickly replied trying to change the topic.


‘Harry, what’s your next class, quick, we’re going to be late’.

‘Fine, all right, I’ve got Maths, what about you?’

‘I have Maths as well, all right let’s go, just a quick heads up, don’t call her Mrs Boston’, he gave me a confused look. ‘She just got out of an engagement, and well she’s hot-headed and gets real mad if you say ‘Mrs’.’ It was true, she just left her husband after finding texts between him and his PA, cliche right?




Maths was going awfully slow, after about 10 minutes, I felt someone poking my shoulder and the back of my neck, when I turned around, I saw Harry. Obviously. ‘I need a pen’. What? I’m talking to myself again, dammit. ‘What?’ I asked, even though I heard him clearly. ‘I need a pen’. ‘Harry, you have one in your hand, the same one you used to poke me’. He started grinning, ‘This one is finished, I need another one’. ‘Fine, here, now quickly finish your work or you’ll have to stay back’. ‘You don’t mind do you?’ He asked, and he looked nervous.’No, it’s fine’, I smiled at him and he happily return the smile.


I finished all my work and it was about 15 minutes into the lesson, Ms was talking ab-


-Poke, poke, poke-


‘What the hell? What is it now?’, I asked Harry, pretty irritated.

‘I need a ruler’, I quickly handed him a ruler.

‘And a rubber’, I handed him a rubber.

‘And a pencil, please’, I groaned and handed him a pencil.

I thought it had stopped but he poked me again.

‘I forgot, I need one more thing’.

‘What is it? Quick’. I was angry, now and very, very annoyed.

‘I need your number’.


Wait, hold up? Did he just? No, he probably needed help.


‘You need help on the Maths equation?’ I asked, silently praying it was the Maths equation.

‘Your so cute, I want your number, you know that thing on your phone, that way you can text and call people, just to talk and hear their voice’.

I turned around and put on a straight face.

‘Harry, you are very weird’.

‘I am not weird, and I want your number’.

‘Nope, not in a million years’.

‘You sure about that? You really don’t want to give me your number?’, He asked curiously.

‘Yep, I’m sure, I’m not supposed to be giving my number out to strangers’, I replied a bit more confidently.


‘Yes, reaaaally, Harry’.


‘Just you watch, I’ll get your number, one way or the other’.




Surprisingly, Harry was quiet throughout the rest of the lesson, I have to admit, I kind of missed him poking me.


Lunch came by and I quickly grabbed my lunch and sat myself down on one of the benches outside. I wanted peace and quiet and well, eating in the lunch hall, usually led to food fights, breakups (I know right) and fighting. I was peacefully eating my lunch when someone sat next to me, that was weird, I usually ate alone. I turned my head to be greeted with a grinning Harry.


‘Did you miss me?’, He asked cockily.

‘Harry, there are like 100 empty seats, and you chose to sit here?’.

‘All the seats are taken’, he gestured his hand around the benches.

‘Harry, are you blind, there is no-one out here except that kid over there who is studying’.

‘Oh, well I see lots of people here, (Y/N)’. He coyly replied, and I groaned.

‘Do you mind me sitting next to you, I can always eat on the floor.’ He said, even though I knew he wouldn’t move.

‘I don’t mind and where’s your lunch?’, I asked him curiously.

I soon regret asking him that, because he soon started taking my chips one by one and eating them.

‘Hey, get your hands off my chips, idiot’.

‘No can do’. I got a bit aggravated so I slapped away his hand.

‘Ow, that hurt’. He replied looking hurt.

‘Oh, I’m sorry’. I quickly replied, but  I soon realised he was kidding.

‘You hurt me, and now I want something in return’. He turned his whole body around, and faced me. He held both my cheeks and looked me directly in the eyes.

‘Your number, I need it now’.

‘Harry, no’. The bell rang and it was time to go to 5th period.

‘Fine, but I’m not talking to you until you give me your number’. He got up and left.


Did he want my number that bad?


I thought nothing of it, because I wouldn’t see him until tomorrow, and he would’ve gotten over it by then. No more Harry.. for today. I was kind of relieved.




Boy, was I wrong? Guess who sat next to me 5th period, yes Harry. I have a feeling he did that on purpose, because the class was empty when he came in and he smirked at me before sitting beside me.


‘Harry, are you still not speaking to me?’



Still nothing.

‘Fine, you can have my number’.


He face shot up, and he looked at me and I swear I saw his eyes twinkle and his lips were curled up into the biggest smile ever. I kind of felt bad for what I was going to say next.


‘Just kidding, you should’ve seen your face’. I started laughing but stopped when I saw his face.


He turned away and acted angry, but I could see him blushing.


Just then the teacher entered and so did all the students. The lesson dragged on and on and I missed talking to Harry. He didn’t even look at me once. What he was doing was worse. He was acting like a 5-year-old. Every time I started writing he nudged my shoulder so my hand moved and my writing was crossed off. He also started randomly drawing lines on my books. Goddamit.


‘You will need to pair up with a partner, and before you say anything and get happy, I will pick for you.’


God, I hate when the teachers pick the partners, it’s like they know everyone we have bad history with and put us with them. I just hope I’m not with the ‘popular gang’.


‘(Y/N), you will work with Harry’.


I saw Harry smirk, and he fist bumped the air. Seriously. Wait, now he will have to talk to me.


‘Ha, you’re going to have to talk to me now’.

‘Nope’. He said popping the ‘p’.

‘You just did’. I replied smugly.


‘This assignment will require you to meet up during free time, at the library to do research.’ Ms kept blabbing on and on.


Finally the bell rang, and school was over. I quickly got up and left to make my way towards the double-doors. I heard someone shouting my name and as I turned around I was facing Harry, who was pushing people out of the way.


‘What is it, Harry?’

‘Now that we’re partners and we have to meet up during the weekend, I need your number’.

Okay, he literally sang the last part.

‘No, Harry’. I started walking away.

‘Fine, we’ll just fail the test and I wont help. One. Bit.’

I groaned and walked back to him.

‘Fine, fine, but only for the project’.

He handed me his phone and I typed my number in.

‘There, you happy now?’

‘I’m very happy, over the moon actually’. He replied smiling at the screen where I had just typed my number.


I started walking away and when I reached my door, my phone started buzzing.


There was an unknown number, but I had an idea of who it could be.


‘Hello beautiful’. I started blushing and made sure no-one saw.

Another text came in.

‘This is Harry, by the way’. I started laughing.

He’s such a dork.

The rest of the night consisted of weird texts from Harry and corny jokes. I don’t actually remember why I was so adamant to give my number to him. We talked throughout the whole night and he even called just to say ‘good night’. After giving my number to Harry, I hardly got any sleep, I was up most of the night talking to him. But honestly,


I didn’t mind.


Hey, lovelies. Exams are finally over, and I decided to write again. Hope you liked this one. And please, please give some feedback and send some requests. Thanks and have an amazing day .xo


There is this family dynamic that my family has that I’m not entirely ok with. My family disregards my opinions, feelings, and ideas because I was/am a minor/younger. They seem to think that because I’m younger I’m automatically dumber. I have literally been diagnosed as being depressed, but I’m constantly told I don’t know what “real” pain is. My mom and I got into a fight one time and she told me to go hide in my room and cut myself because of my past self harm issues. My father constantly tells me to “shut the fuck up” when I’m defending myself against my moms insults over my septum ring because it “ruins my face” she says. She’s said that to me everyday since I got it pierced 8 MONTHS AGO. My mom and I get into arguments that I, for the most part, don’t start over insults she throws my way. We argue often. If I defend myself I’m the one being disrespectful. I’m told that I should be more grateful for the parents I have because they provide for me financially. The last really rememberable example was when my mom said “at least we were never homeless and you always had something to eat because that’s what parents do when they love their children.” However I have a friend who was homeless for year with her mom and younger brother, but not of her mom doing. Her shitty drunk step dad left them and took all the money but apparently only loving parents can and/or will provide. I’m glad my mom didn’t give me an older brother, because knowing that they made my very anti-black, black uncle man of her side of the family, they would put another kind of man’s word over mine any day. I respect the fact that my parents have provided for me financially, but that’s only half of parenting. I still need my parents to be there for me emotionally and to respect me as a person. How they treat me has damaged me and our relationship and I’m afraid I’ll never have a good relationship with them.